Afraid to have sex after vaginal birth...Normal? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
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It's been exactly 8 weeks since I had my daughter. My DH keeps bugging me to have sex--but I really have absolutely NO desire to. There are a few reasons:

Besides being insanely sleep deprived, feeling sooo un-sexy and still being in some pain from the birth (My pelvis KILLS me sometimes-especially the pubic bone)-- One of the biggest reasons is....this was my first vag birth (DS was c-section) and the birth tauamtized me (shoulder dystocia-MW's basically has to TEAR her out of me), I just don't want to even think about that whole area, KWIM? Not to mention I am worried that it will feel "different" down there for DH (and me). I feel so embaressed about this. I feel so beat up down there--I think it looks so nasty and unnattractive now (I looked at it with a mirror). I am afraid to even think about him getting anywhere near me with u-know-what. I also had a 2nd degree tear--I am worried that may hurt too.

Is this normal to feel this way??

edited to add: I have told him how I feel, and he understand--just frustrated. he says he wanst to be with his wife--and its been so long. We never went 2 months without sex...ever. Even after the c/s that traumatized me. I just want to feel normal about my body again and not be so afraid/annoyed/disgusted at it.

Tired mommy to a 2, 4, and 6 year old!
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#2 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 03:10 PM
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Yes, I think it's very normal. I'm almost ashamed to say, but it was 6 months pp before we dtd. I also had a 2nd degree tear that took quite a bit longer than I expected to heal. The thought of sex absolutely terrified me.

When you're ready, and when it's time, just focus on feeling close and connected with DH, not about great sex (or even complete sex). DH & I felt like fumbling teenagers those first few times--which was kind of cute.

And oh yeah--lubrication!
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#3 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 03:32 PM
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Normal! Just looking at my son used to gross me could something so big have really come out of my body? I never wanted anything else going in or coming out of there ever again!!

I made my DH wait the full 6 weeks they recommend. He was keeping track and at 6 weeks on the day we DTD only because it would have killed him if I'd said no. I had no desire for it and was frankly terrified, but I felt bad for him.

Ditto to using plenty of lube, and just go slow. Honestly, it hurt for about 6 weeks. DH was pretty turned off by all my wincing and grimacing, but I kept telling him it wasn't his fault, things were just different down there and needed some time to adjust. By about 12 weeks PP, it stopped hurting.

BTW, I don't think he's going to be disgusted by you. If anything, I'm willing to bet he has new-found respect for your body after what he just saw it accomplish! Maybe just DTD in the dark or by candlelight for a while until you start to feel more confident in your body again. Good luck!

Mommy to a boy (6), girls (4&2), and our baby boy (8 months)

Missing Ashlyn 10/18/06 and Brennan 10/18/10
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#4 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 03:41 PM
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Totally normal. We waited 3-4 months. Of course, at 6 weeks DH was ready, but understood when I explained that I was not emotionally or physically ready yet. It was a long time before I could even look at or touch my own vagina, let alone have someone else! I had this general, overall sense of fear and anxiety about it. When I found that I no longer tensed up when wiping and just generally stopped thinking about my vagina, I realized that I was ready. And you know what? The sex was GOOD after that. As in really. And I'm sure its because we waited until I was ready. DH was frustrated, sure, but we still did other things.

For me, things do feel a little different, but not in a bad way. DH doesn't notice a difference, and was not disgusted at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. Go slow, and do it when you are ready. You'll get there.

Mama to DS1 (2/08) and DS2 (9/10).
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#5 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 03:50 PM
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Totally normal and understandable, I would think. Maybe you could try bringing intimacy back in other ways at first, starting small. Get back to high school stuff and become comfortable with each other again. Spend a good solid 3-5 minutes everyday just kissing and touching each other (hugging, rubbing arms, holding each other, etc.). Just get those pheromones back in play. And as you get more comfortable, go from there. If you're still too sore 'down there' or aren't ready for actual sex, try some other things to bring him or each other pleasure. I've read that men become a lot like women after birth in that it's not always about the actual sexual act, they want and need that intimate closeness with their partner as well. He sounds very patient and understanding, which is great. You might surprise yourself if you make some small efforts to be close to him again and something is naturally rekindled in you. Sometimes just getting started is the hardest part.

Andi, 32 - SAHM to Aaron Patriot born at home on 8/7/09 and devoted wife to Paul. : EC, Non-Circ ::
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#6 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 04:12 PM
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I so understand. My first birth was a c-section and this last one was a VBAC, but i also had an epis and 4th deg tear. Believe me, it was scary. We actually just dtd for the first time this week, so 15 weeks out from the birth. It was not nearly as bad as the first time after DD's birth. With her it felt like my cervix was bruised or too close to the opening. I actually had to tell him to stop becasue it hurt so bad.

This time I felt a little pulling and slight burning around the epis site, but it was actually kinda enjoyable. I went with the idea of "wait till you actually want it". A few rounds with a B.O.B. will help you get more comfortable with the whole idea. Plus, 8 weeks is still early. At that point I was physically revolted by the idea of sex. It will get better. Till then, get DH a nice "new father" father's day present (think lotion).

W (26) and C (27) parenting G (11/06 ) and D (2/09 ) plus a new one (3/11)
Sometimes the greener grass is actually AstroTurf, a false promise and nothing more.
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#7 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 04:15 PM
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Don't beat yourself up or develop a complex over it. This is a major change for you and your body. Remember going through puberty? Wasn't everything bumbling and awkward? Hope that doesn't scare you more! lol

I was very worried about DTD and waited 3 weeks. TBH, I would have waited longer but it was our one year anniversary so I made a tentative start...and thus began a very enjoyable practice Looking back I wonder if I could have tried earlier. Who knows?

Now is also the time to add some spice and experiment as change is not always bad. Something about the birthing process helped me to learn more about myself. It's like random physical sensations and locations now make a connection in my brain. Very nice!

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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#8 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 05:18 PM
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Totally normal. Tell him to back off & that when you're ready you'll let him know. The added pressure does not help imo.

Doula mama to dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08) and expecting (Apr '17)
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#9 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 06:37 PM
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Normal, normal, normal. DS is seven months old and I am just getting interested in sex again. Sex for the first time (at around 8 weeks) was brutally painful and I couldn't tolerate it for more than a few minutes. We did it again at about 3 months and it still hurt. So my very patient DH understood that it might be awhile longer before we started regularly having sex again. And it three months longer.

Please don't feel ashamed about this. Pregnancy and birth wreak absolute havoc on the body, and you need to recover. The bottom line is you need to heal. Ask your DH to back off until you're ready. Yes, it's hard for him to go without sex for months at a time. But I promise you that he will survive. Your health is way, way more important.

Loving wife partners.gif and mama to my sweet little son coolshine.gif (Fall 2008) and a beautiful baby girl babyf.gif(Fall 2010)


When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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#10 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 09:55 PM
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totally normal. We couldn't dtd for TEN MONTHS after dd, and a full 13 weeks after ds.

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#11 of 11 Old 06-19-2009, 11:01 PM
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Well, okay, if things were perfectly "normal," the birth wouldn't have left you so injured, but given the injury - normal.

I had some awful tearing (vaginal, perineal, labial) with DS, and couldn't bring myself to look at my yoni for months. When I did, it looked as though my most intimate geography had been entirely rearranged. Like a map of an unknown country. The doctor cleared me to have sex after six weeks, and I tried, and it hurt so much we had to stop. It took another few weeks for us to try again.

Give your body time to heal. Make it clear to your husband that any go-ahead you give is tentative and you may have to call a halt at any time. And don't give that go-ahead until you feel a little more whole.
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