would anyone NOT recommend a doula? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 72 Old 11-11-2009, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
crazyrunningmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,459
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was just thinking, I'm always raving about how great doulas are and how much they can help avoid medications, interventions etc. Just wondering if anyone had a doula with a previous pregnancy and felt they were unhelpful?

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
crazyrunningmama is offline  
#2 of 72 Old 11-11-2009, 07:40 PM
 
Doberbrat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 444
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well I was thinking of getting a doula this time around but the hosp just instituted a policy of ONE support person only due to h1n1 since I'm not about to kick dh out over a stranger, the doula idea is out

so check your hosp policy first.
Doberbrat is offline  
#3 of 72 Old 11-11-2009, 07:52 PM
 
busymama77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,109
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I couldn't imagine having anyone else there to support me besides my DH. But that's a personal preference for everyone, I guess. And yes, that makes sense to check your hospitals' policies. You never know!!

One happy mama to 1/06 , 3/10 , and married to my best friend
busymama77 is offline  
#4 of 72 Old 11-11-2009, 11:56 PM
 
sanguine_speed's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 3,634
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I suppose there could be bad doula experiences, but I can't imagine an overall sentiment that doulas are a bad thing.
I had a doula with my third birth and will definitely have one this time too.
I found having another person around very important as I tend to play caregiver and worrier and I know my partner found my previous births very overwhelming--I see a doula as important for us both. I remember my second birth I kept asking DP if HE was okay, lol.

4 kids under 10
sanguine_speed is offline  
#5 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 01:19 AM
 
MamatoA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Upper Midwest USA
Posts: 52
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It depends on you and your partner, if any. And the personality of the doula.

I was planning on hiring a doula and asked my MW for recomendations. Her answer really gave me pause. She said that in her experience, the doula can come between the mom and partner and close the partner out. My DH is quiet, shy guy and I could see him being outside of the birthing process if I had another person in the room. In the end, I interviewed some doulas and asked them pointblank what they thought about this and how they worked to include/support DH. Some had good ideas, some had never considered it before. We decided not to hire a doula and my DH was AWESOME at the birth. No regrets. Just my experience. I'm not anti-doula at all; we just decided not to have one.
MamatoA is offline  
#6 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 01:49 AM
 
Veritaserum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've had three births with doulas and two without. Dh and I both prefer having a doula. He's not comfortable shouldering the responsibility of primary labor support. He's there and he does do helpful things, but he can relax more knowing that if he's not thinking of exactly what I might want/need it's likely that the doula will.

I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd. I think it really depends on the couple. Having a doula helps us both relax and enjoy the birth more.

Homeschooling Mom of 5 dds reading.gif

Planning my fifth natural birth using Hypnobabies for baby boy coming in June 2012! nocirc.gif

Veritaserum is offline  
#7 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 01:54 AM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I don't like them. A well trained and loving hubby can do everything that a doula does.

Also, I've been to two births in which the doula "messed with" that loving couple energy. So sad.

My own births were awesome. Just my hubby and my beloved cnm. My hubby was so supportive and did everything I needed.
philomom is offline  
#8 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 02:10 AM
 
xixstar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Carroll County, Maryland
Posts: 1,243
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my husband is my primary support person, but I'm also very high needs and assumed I would be in labor too. I hired a doula to support DH so he could better support me -- it was the best thing we did for my labor.

I love my doula and she totally rocks, but I never once felt that she was my primary support person because it was all about getting attention from dh. She gave him breaks when needed (or mostly distracted me when he was gone) and really just helped out in very peripheral ways -- which was exactly what we wanted.

I don't think a doula has to fill the role of mom's support person, they're very helpful supporting our partners too.

Karen happily partnered mother of 3 beautiful girls (teen/toddler/newborn).
xixstar is offline  
#9 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 02:25 AM
 
Kirsten's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Washington state
Posts: 5,463
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veritaserum View Post
I think the midwife's comments about doulas coming between couples is a little odd.
I don't think it is odd; I understand what she means. Not that she'd TRY to come between the couple - but that it could easily happen if the mom is really needing a lot of support and/or the dad is nervous or underprepared.

I don't think doulas are bad. I think they could be wonderful for single moms or moms with a deployed dp or something like that. But - IMO - there is no bonding like what happens when your dp is your only support person. I think (I HOPE) most men will live up to the expectation and needs of the laboring woman - if the doula isn't there to take over. Not that she would TRY to, but it would be pretty easy for a (first time especially) dad to think "she knows better than I do; I'll just step back and let her do it".
Kirsten is offline  
#10 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 02:59 AM
 
clicksab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 477
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I find this thread very interesting!

I did not have a doula for my first birth because I felt that I didn't want anyone else but DH around. However...I did not have a normal labor and birth. And you know, my DH was amazingly knowledgeable, very supportive, and was pretty much all that I could hope him to be. BUT, there were still things that he couldn't do for me and he was absolutely in need of some support for himself! I was ridiculously clingy and wouldn't even let the poor man pee or give him a break from pressing into my back. We really needed someone else there that I trusted.

So I see the doula as a support for the both of us...and I made sure to hire accordingly. I literally asked every doula we interviewed how they would feel if DH or myself asked them to leave because we needed to be alone. The doula we hired I loved because she was the one who, on her own, asked me lots of questions about my DH and his involvement. She knows that this is all about US.

Sabrina loving wife to Nate , frazzled mom to Gabriella (1-23-07) and Robert (2-9-10) My bed and heart are overflowing!
clicksab is offline  
#11 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 08:46 AM
 
calpurnia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: south of the thames
Posts: 2,607
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i didn't have a doula partly because i knew that dp & two midwives would be there & we have a small flat! an extra person would have been such a squeeze. my midwives were very supportive when dp needed to take a break, & were great mediators when we ended up a hospital transfer.
calpurnia is offline  
#12 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 10:35 AM
 
HollyRhea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 92
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There are as many kinds of doulas as there are women doing it. I've been a doula for three years and have supported a lot of couples with very different dynamics. I always tell them in the initial interview that it's important that the husband is the primary support, as much as he is comfortable. My role is to enhance the experience for both of them because they are BOTH having this baby. If a couple is laboring together in the shower or is doing wonderfully together, I leave the room - accessible but out of the way. And I try very hard to be sensitive to the dynamic between them. If I feel that the husband is stepping back, I rub his back and bring him back to her or subtly suggest a way he can help if he seems lost. I also encourage husbands to go to the baby if the baby's at the warmer - so often they feel like they don't have that permission to be fully involved. Of course not every husband feels this way, and not every couple wants a doula present. I don't think I'm the right fit for every woman and some women really will labor best without an extra person's presence. It's so individual, and I think if you have a sense that the doula isn't necessary for you, she isn't.

I'm also quite biased because the doula we hired for my first baby didn't arrive until I was pushing. My husband and I labored at home for 18 hours (alone) and that experience was like cement for our relationship. It gave me confidence that we could share in the parenting and that I could trust him fully (I had my doubts, we married soon after we discovered we were pregnant).

I also chose not to hire a doula for my second labor. I had a feeling that it wouldn't be necessary, even though I believe in my profession and know that the right doula can be a vital asset to a long labor. I was right, though. My second labor was so fast even the midwives missed it. So in my first labor my husband was my doula, in the second he was the midwife.

HOWEVER! This is my third baby coming in March, and I've enlisted the help of one of the most experienced doulas I know. I would really like to experience that female support this time, and third babies can be wild cards. Who knows what this labor will be like. We're also having a homebirth and man, it can get messy. Doulas are good for that sort of thing, too. My role at homebirths often turns into cook/laundress/babysitter/housekeeper.

So even if a doula isn't what you want now, you may feel differently later or vice-versa.
HollyRhea is offline  
#13 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 12:22 PM
 
nina_yyc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Calgary, Canada
Posts: 2,025
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.

We should all be so blessed to have the perfect partner and the perfect relationship and a manageable labor, but it really isn't realistic to assume this will happen for everyone.

I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.
nina_yyc is offline  
#14 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 12:51 PM
 
HisBeautifulWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: It costs too much
Posts: 494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
I had a 48+ hour labor ending in c-section. I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?
HisBeautifulWife is offline  
#15 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 12:59 PM
 
crunchy_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Missouri
Posts: 5,968
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had one w/ number #1 and she was fine and dandy, but I didn't w/ #2 and will not with #3 as well. I think it does depend on your personality and the relationship between you and your dh. But I certainly don't see it as a necessity for a natural birth. For me I like more privacy and there is no way that a doula could anyway replicate that wonderful support that dh provided me and I really don't want someone else in our space in such an intimate thing. It was a wonderful bonding experience and I can see that having someone else there could get in the way of that because my trust and feelings towards him and his towards me are just entirely different. Dh always knows exactly what I need or can figure it out- even if I am in my labor zone(which for me means I don't talk)- he is the best cheerleader and can be papa bear when needed.

Happily Married to my : 11 yrs- Mama to wild-eyed monkey boy 7-04, fiery little girl 4-07, and the happy smiley baby that sleeps 11-09!
crunchy_mama is offline  
#16 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 01:41 PM
 
wrappedupmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Kankakee, IL
Posts: 58
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm a volunteer doula, currently taking a break since I just had my own baby recently. I decided against having a doula for myself. I don't like touched or "comforted" when in pain. A lot of what most doulas have been trained to do, and would encourage my husband to do, would be of little use and actually make me upset. I'm also a very private person and don't want many people around (I UCed my second, almost did my first child and regret not doing it the first time around). However, I now in a way wish I did have my doula friend present at my birth to watch my DD. My husband did wonderful managing everything, but he was so busy between me and DD that he didn't probably enjoy the birth as much as he could have. If we have more children I may have someone around to help with my other kids next time. Though, I might not, we'll have to see. I really like my privacy in labor

Mama to DD 12/05, DS 8/09 , nursing, baby wearing, cosleeping, non-vaxing, no circ
wrappedupmama is offline  
#17 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 02:15 PM
 
Mamabeakley's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: In the labyrinth
Posts: 2,087
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am a doula but I've never had a doula myself, and probably never will. DH is awesome labor support and we plan home births.

However, I would unilaterally recommend a doula to any woman/couple planning a hospital birth. When couples say "we want it to be just us" I gently point out that in the hospital it WON'T be: there will be at least 5 - 6 people in and out of the room none of whom will be primarily responsible for meeting either partner's emotional/physical/ mental support needs. I think I am often more useful to the partner than to the mama - because the partner is providing her support, I'm backup for the partner.

Here as mama to W (2/04), R (5/06), D (7/09), and J (12/9/12!), co-parenting with my DH

I WOH part-time, am a doula & childbirth educator, home/unschool, and hope we are nearing the center of chaos


 
  

Mamabeakley is offline  
#18 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 02:48 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
I can't remember where I read this (maybe A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth? Birthing from Within?) but a significant portion of men do not fully take on the role of support person/labor coach.
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
philomom is offline  
#19 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 03:00 PM
 
onlyboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: FL
Posts: 3,755
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
Yes, this is true. He *should* support his partner. Nevertheless, there are women who find themselves laboring with an unsupportive partner. Maybe they shouldn't be having a baby with this person, but they are, and they deserve support. A doula is perfect in this case.

For my births, I didn't have a doula but I also have a husband who is incredibly supportive.
onlyboys is offline  
#20 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 03:22 PM
 
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,294
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband was all the support I could ever ask for with my labor. He was just amazing and the nurses/midwives (not to mention me, of course!) all loved him for it. I did not get to push my baby out, but I did labor to 10 and then push for 9 hours naturally and there is no way on earth I could have done it without him.

That said, my mom was also there. She provided him breaks (he was putting counterpressure on my back - poor guy's hands hurt for days. ), brought both of us drinks/snacks, and occasionally piped up to give us her opinion. She was invaluable too. Now, even though she was awesome outwardly, the fact that we had to transfer (non-emergency) really scared and shook her and I am not sure she will be at the next birth (HBAC).

If she is not there, we are having a doula, no two ways about it. I am sure I cold do it just DH and me, but a doula will just make it so much easier. And the doula I would pick is also a Bradley coach, so she is all about the mom/dad energy and just being peripheral support.

As for:
Quote:
I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to support you for that long with no breaks, then turn around and help you out with the first few days of newborn life. If you're in doubt, be prepared.
I kind of agree. I think we expect "good" or "involved" husbands to take care of wife and baby after birth and mom is just expected to rest. Dad has been through the wringer too. After my labor and then transfer and cesarean, we was twice as wiped as I was. He crashed for 13 hours as soon as we were in recovery, while I stayed up for another 8 hours and only slept in tiny spurts for the next 24 hours (and didn't really feel tired). I think I may still have gotten the benefits of all the hormones. He refused to take more than a couple seconds break during labor, but he sure could have used one!

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
Sk8ermaiden is offline  
#21 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 03:35 PM
 
leavemealone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,760
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have found that when I am in labor, I don't necessarily want my DH around. That may make me a bad wife, but he annoys me during labor. LOL I found I wanted him around when I was pushing, but not during the actual labor. I don't know what it is, maybe b/c he is very medically minded and believes that drs know all, hospitals are always the best place to have a baby, and epidurals can cure almost everything. He gets nervous and wants somebody to do something to "fix" that pain I am having. Try as he might, as a man, he will never understand what labor is like. I think he thought a doula was a crazy idea at first, but he now recommends a doula to his friends who are having babies. I don't want tons of people around, but having someone who has been through labor before has helped me in the past. Her presence really did help put him at ease during labor.

I recently changed my username, but I still say "Hello" to all those who know me in real life! Hi P, S, T and K!
leavemealone is offline  
#22 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 03:59 PM
 
Veritaserum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
I don't think it is odd; I understand what she means. Not that she'd TRY to come between the couple - but that it could easily happen if the mom is really needing a lot of support and/or the dad is nervous or underprepared.

I don't think doulas are bad. I think they could be wonderful for single moms or moms with a deployed dp or something like that. But - IMO - there is no bonding like what happens when your dp is your only support person. I think (I HOPE) most men will live up to the expectation and needs of the laboring woman - if the doula isn't there to take over. Not that she would TRY to, but it would be pretty easy for a (first time especially) dad to think "she knows better than I do; I'll just step back and let her do it".
Well, we did it without doulas for our first two. There wasn't any special bonding. I didn't get the support I needed. He wanted to help me, but he did not know how. He was frustrated because I needed help and he couldn't give it to me. He was relieved when I suggested that we get a doula with our third baby because he knew that she could either give him suggestions or provide support herself, which was fine for me and dh. I was happy to get the support I needed and he was happy to know that I was getting it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
We should all be so blessed to have the perfect partner and the perfect relationship and a manageable labor, but it really isn't realistic to assume this will happen for everyone.
Exactly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
Wow! What an inflammatory comment. My husband is a wonderful man who just doesn't happen to be gifted at labor support. It's not like he's cold and callous and unwilling to be present. He simply likes a quieter role. I'm perfectly fine with that and in no way feel abandoned by him. I think it's unfair to expect that your husband is going to provide perfect labor support. If it happens, great, but if your man doesn't happen to be good at labor support it does not mean that he's uncaring or worthless.

Homeschooling Mom of 5 dds reading.gif

Planning my fifth natural birth using Hypnobabies for baby boy coming in June 2012! nocirc.gif

Veritaserum is offline  
#23 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 04:08 PM
 
philomom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9,431
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veritaserum View Post
My husband is a wonderful man who just doesn't happen to be gifted at labor support.
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.
philomom is offline  
#24 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 04:09 PM
 
meganmarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Bergen county, NJ
Posts: 670
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
Agree with veritaserum, this comment seems more judgmental than it needs to be. There is such a thing as a loving, supportive husband that does his very best but can't be everything you need in labor. My husband is a ball of stress during childbirth. He is filled with fear and anxiety, he knows the situation is not in his control and he worries about worst case scenarios. This is who he is, and I love him despite this. Because we all have flaws. So as much as my husband stepped up to stand by me, hold my hand and rub my back during labor, thank God we had the doula there to calm him down and reassure him that everything was going to be ok. That emotional support for HIM allowed him to be there for me.
meganmarie is offline  
#25 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 04:17 PM
 
Sk8ermaiden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,294
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.
Wow, that is really judgmental. I happen to have a man who IS perfect labor support, but I would not love him any less if he wasn't. Nor would the births of my children be any less special. And just because he couldn't be 100% of what she needed in labor doesn't mean the births of their children were any less a "peak" experience.

Every person has strengths and weakness. My husband is completely incapable of being romantic (The "You want flowers, I'll plant you a rosebush" kind of guy who shows me his love by inflating my tires - he even forgot to actually propose to me when he gave me the ring), and doesn't know how to start communication when I am upset at him. I can be lazy and impulsive. We have a great marriage and I love him more every day.

This men being the labor support is a pretty new idea in the scheme of things, and I believe that is probably because most of them are just not hardwired for it. Sure, they can learn, but some will take to it better than others.

I'm Kellie :, married to Chris , and mom to one baby girl (7/12/09).
Sk8ermaiden is offline  
#26 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 04:20 PM
 
nina_yyc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Calgary, Canada
Posts: 2,025
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by HisBeautifulWife View Post
Why not? If you have to go through it with no breaks what makes them exempt?
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You know, my dh and I talk about this from time to time but we both believe that if a man would not support you fully during labor... maybe you shouldn't be bearing his children. Haven't we given all to our hubbies when they have been sick/injured or in pain? Why shouldn't we expect them to do the same for us?
That makes it sound like if you enlist additional support, your relationship sucks and it's your own fault for not finding the perfect partner. That's not a thought that really helps anyone at 7cm.
nina_yyc is offline  
#27 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 04:49 PM
 
JamieCatheryn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: SW Pa
Posts: 5,103
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
I did best without one. If I have people to rely on I look to them for help with things they can't do anything about, that needs to come from inner strength or from God. I'm sure a doula wouldn't have gotten between DH and me, but I didn't want to feel like I was leaning on him either. He kept me company a lot, and a couple of tough parts he was there to help me know I could do it, but mostly I felt I was just having my baby myself, not worrying about support or help. For me, a doula would have made it into a bigger deal and therefore harder thing than it needed to be.
JamieCatheryn is offline  
#28 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 06:08 PM
 
annekh23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 896
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think it takes a lot of self and couple examination to really know what is going to be best for you and to then find a person that meets those needs.

I don't think I'd even heard of doulas when I had my first, we lived in the UK then and I think doulas are a lot more unusual there. It seemed like society was telling us birth was something that should be between husband and wife. When it came to the crunch, I needed to be induced and even though we thought we'd prepared, we didn't really have a clue and I lost the plot, so they turned of the pit and pretty much demanded I had an epidural before they turned it back on. What I really wish is that I'd asked my mum to come with me, there was no way we could plan for her to be present, as they lived too far away and were working full time, but as I was induced before my due date, they were actually staying with us and ended up taking me to the hospital. I'm pretty confident she'd have got me through without the epidural, we'd been planning a homebirth, but when I found I needed to be induced, my midwife suggested getting an epi before they even started, it was only at my mum's encouragement that I even tried without.

As well as being induced, it was fast, so when planning for my 2nd birth, I seriously considered a doula, but decided in the end that I didn't want to take the risk of them not making it. It turned out to be horrific and I think really was a situation where the epidural was a good idea. It was one of those rare births where a c-section would have been a better outcome, I don't know if a doula would have helped or not. The person I would have used was my postpartum doula and she was very supportive as a processed it afterwards and had I had another birth in that area, I would definitely have used her as a doula, but by that time I knew her pretty well and it would have been more like a trained friend.

We'd moved by the time I had my 3rd and I revisited the doula question and had pretty much decided to skip it because we were planning a homebirth with a midwife and though they were a team of two, they arranged it so we got to know both of them. However, it ended up that I needed a c-section and I did ask a friend to be with me, which was fantastic and didn't hinder anything with my husband, it just allowed him to concentrate on the baby when that was needed and for me not to feel completely alone. There is a lot going on in the operating room and I didn't even grasp things like the sex of the baby without my friend right there talking directly to me.

Anne, Christian mummy to Nathanael 05/28/03, Ada 06/10/05, Grace 05/24/09
annekh23 is offline  
#29 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 07:55 PM
 
Veritaserum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,291
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post
You've had five babies with a man who can't support you properly through your labors? That makes me feel so sad. What stories will you tell your sons about their birth days? My son hears how amazing his dad was and how we did the work of birthing together and how we felt closer than ever after each birth. It was truly a peak experience in BOTH of our lives.
No one explained to me before we got married that my marital happiness depended upon his theretofore untested labor support ability. I'm glad to realize that my marital happiness doesn't depend on this and that my supportive, loving, and realistic partner understood that my labor support needs would be best met by hiring a doula.

My children will hear their father talk about how amazing their MOTHER was and how wonderful it was for them to be born into a loving and relaxed environment. It was loving and relaxed because my husband felt supported by my doula (and midwife) and was therefore able to be where I needed him to be. We felt closer than ever after each birth and the births of our babies have been some of the best moments in our lives.

Homeschooling Mom of 5 dds reading.gif

Planning my fifth natural birth using Hypnobabies for baby boy coming in June 2012! nocirc.gif

Veritaserum is offline  
#30 of 72 Old 11-12-2009, 08:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
crazyrunningmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,459
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Wow, some of these comments. I don't really "get it" why anyone wouldn't want a doula (which is why I started this thread) but I never thought people would be so defensive about their choice to rely soley on their dp. It makes me laugh because I saw it as a strength of my dh's and of our relationship that he said "get a doula, get two if you like, I want to make sure you have all the support you need". He was very very concerned that he wouldn't be able to support me as completely as I would need and he thought it might damage our relationship if he let me down (which I know has happened in other marriages). And yet, I am completely happy to be bearing another one of his children! How amazing! He is the best, most involved, thoughtful, caring dad ever. But he knew damn well that he could never know enough about labour to be my only support. While it is a huge and significant experience for him and for us, I'm the one squeezing out the baby, it is all about me. And surprisingly, during my 36 hour labour he needed to pee and eat (so selfish, I know). Anyway, I will certainly be having one again this time.

mama to two DD's, 7 and 3 (3 rounds of IVF and more FET's than I can remember)
crazyrunningmama is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off