Who did (will) you invite to the birth? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:34 AM
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Moved from I'm Pregnant to Birth and Beyond

Stay-at-home mom to 2 beautiful.busy.boisterous boys b. 08.17.05 & 12.29.08
Nirvana is . . . the living happiness of a soul which is conscious of itself and conscious of having found its own abode in the heart of the Eternal. --Gandhi
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#32 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 02:57 PM
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Originally Posted by ElaynesMom View Post
I guess it was my own stupid fault for not being more assertive.
None of that is your fault. How on earth could you EVER expect people to behave like that?! HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR! Covering your mouth, inviting a crowd--just awful.

I would have been too stunned to react, I think.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#33 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 03:06 PM
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For my first birth my dh and my mother were there. There were also 4-5 hospital staff. I wouldn't have been opposed to my MIL being there too, but she was out of town at the time of the birth. My mom drove me nuts in labor, I learned to never invite her to a birh again.

For my second (at home) Dh, DD1, MIL and our midwives were there. Mom was not invited.

Heather Mike Married 8/1/99 Mom to Charlotte Aug 04, Nov 06, and Katherine Oct 07
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#34 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 03:31 PM
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In addition to my DH my mom and sister were in the room while I was pushing and when dd was born. During labor my MIL and SIL visited for a bit, so did my dad and brothers.

I'm comforted by my family so I'm glad my parents and siblings were there. Since my MIL and SIL were unobtrusive and there's no friction between us, I didn't mind having them there.

I really think it hard to be sure what you'll want till you're in the middle of it.

Kristy, wife to Josh proud mama to Katie: since 3/08 and Emma since 8/12.

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#35 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 03:44 PM
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Just me and dp. We are inviting a midwife. I hope she's okay with being hands-off and just coming in the room if we need her.

With my first (hospital birth), there were more people than I wanted, and one that I had definitely said NO to earlier who just pushed her way in (grrrr). This time, we're calling the mw when I go into labor, and nobody else!

If it's at night, we'll let dd sleep. If not, we'll call my godmother to come get her with the explicit instructions that she is not to tell anyone we are in labor. My godmama is the only other person I can imagine in the house, coz I know she'll be happy to just hang out with dd, be "door guardian", and make snacks or whatever. Even my sis is not invited (which is touchy coz I was there for 3/4 her births) because she is a very "medical" nurse type and not particularly supportive of what I want for this birth.

If my MIL gets a whiff that the baby's on it's way, she will be banging on our door and pushing her way in. She makes me clench up, so I specifically do not want her there.

So hopefully nobody in the house but me and dp. Even the mw is a concession to dp; he wants a birth attendant there, which I'm "okay" with, but really don't desire. Maybe godmother as door guardian and dd's support person, depends on how things go.

I plan on having all the "stuff" ready ahead of time, so hopefully I won't need anyone to run around and get things, and dp can be with me the whole time.

Happy and in love with my family!
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#36 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
None of that is your fault. How on earth could you EVER expect people to behave like that?! HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR! Covering your mouth, inviting a crowd--just awful.

I would have been too stunned to react, I think.
Thanks so much for saying this, it makes me feel better to know that other people feel this behavious is bizarre. My mother seemed to think all this was fine. There is a reason we aren't close I guess.
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#37 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 04:46 PM
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I am of the minimalist persuasion too. During DS' birth, I only had my DH, MW, doula and doctors (it was a hospital transfer) with me. My mom was waiting for me to invite her but I decided that if there ever was a time in my life to be really, really selfish and make it all about me, it was for the birth of my baby. I'm sure it offended my mom and MIL that they weren't invited but my job is to give birth to our baby, not to please everyone. Besides, they got over it pretty quickly.
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#38 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 07:21 PM
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From where do you draw your strength? What lets you focus and be in a place of strength and peace?

Part of my birth preparation was finding my answers to these questions, and I know that I draw inner strength from being able to have self-awareness in the midst of chaos. While birth isn't chaos, it did require a lot of beautifully intense focus, and DH was just the right person to help me with that!

I had a hospital birth, and our doctor was in the room as much as we wanted her to be. There was also one primary nurse who was with us throughout. They got whatever we asked for/wanted, and DH was a great support for me. The doc respectfully stepped in at a place where some experienced guidance was helpful, and no one interfered with the synergy that DH and I had going on.

So for us, having others in the room would have been distracting and possibly unhelpful. Everyone is different, though.

My SIL had her mother in the room with her for I think her first birth, and found her to be not very helpful. Her mom wanted to keep talking to her and asking her what she could do for her - whereas a good birth partner is prepared and knows not to ask questions like, "How can I help you?" during birth. Because the birthing woman just might answer
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#39 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:08 PM
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I consider myself pretty introverted. With my first, I really thought that I'd want to be alone with my dh (at the birth, and for a time afterwards). My mom and dad (not together) both ended up coming for labor/birth. I had a c-section, so they weren't in the room, but they were there in recovery.

It was great. They went home after the birth, and they didn't come back to the hospital (I delivered 1 hour from my home; 2 hours from their homes). I was so lonely!! Crazy lonely. All my friends nad family were leaving me alone, just like I'd asked, and it made me nuts.

So, the second time, I chose to deliver in my hometown (still an hour from home, but where my family and many friends live). I had a waiting room full for the birth, which was awesome. We were there 36 hours, and there was someone visiting the whole time. It was fabulous!! Even dh was surprised that it made me so happy. But, it did.

It's like birth brings out this weird side of me that finally likes people. So, I'm on the side of tell the folks to stay home, but you'll call when you're ready to see them. Then, if you want them, CALL.
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#40 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:35 PM
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I had a hb with both.
My ds was born at my inlaws(we were living there) and mother in law was there. And I didnt like it And dh hated it..I mean HATED it. He felt really nervous about the birth in general, then felt like he couldnt get comfortable with her there. On the plus she did get to witness her first birth which eventhough she had two boys vag. they knocked women out right before pushing stage so she never "saw" a baby be born..and we got wicked after birth pictures. downside is I swore and MIL was there and I felt awkward..not tomention she saw EVERYTHING including a tattoo in an area that you dont expect amil to ever see

DD we had at our new home. Just me, dh, 2 midwives and a student..and a VERY curious cat and OH MY GOSH was it ever better. Dh felt a lot more comfortable. I felt more comfortable to complain/whine/tell my dh what a (Words that I cant put here) he was, stuff that I didnt obviously want my mil to hear. And I felt more rested and peaceful. I was able to birth just dh and I with the midwivesin another room.

I speak like my births were long
Ds active labour 3.5h(frm beginning to holding him)
Dd-45 m

mommy daddy son daughter = our family
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#41 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:37 PM
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I wanted my DH with me, and I invited my mom. We also had our MW and a nurse.

I spent most of my labor in silence, meditating and zoning out with DH's close support. My mom had been SO excited to be at the birth, but she ended up quietly leaving after a few hours. She later told me that DH & I just looked so intimate and connected, she didnt want to disturb it. DH called her when I started transistion, so she could have a heads up if she wanted to come back. She got back just in time, and was there when DS came out.

I was really glad she gave DH & I our private space, and I was also glad she was able to see DS born.

Mama to Xavian, born 11-24-09
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#42 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:43 PM
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For my first L&D it was just me, DH, MW and my mother. With my second, it was me, DH, MIL, my mom, MW, MW's asst., and birth photographer. It was so wonderful to have such a support and wonderful atmosphere the second time around.
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#43 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 09:57 PM
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I spent my whole pregnancy feeling very stongly that I wanted it to just be me, dh, and the mws. DH's cousin, whom we are both very close to, had hinted that she would like to be there if I wanted, but I didn't. When I was in labor she just happened to come by with her whole family (her dh and 3 teenage kids), which was actually really great. DH felt like he needed lots of help at that point setting up the birth tub and just getting himself ready for everything. Their youngest daughter timed my contractions; everyone was busy. Once things got settled down (other than my contractions, which were getting more and more intense), and they were getting ready to leave, I decided on a whim that I wanted dh's cousin to stay. I was so glad she was there. She helped me for the 30 or so minutes between when everyone else left and the mws got there. She took pictures. She reassured dh, who was pretty excited and a little nervous. She had three homebirths herself and had been at several other births, so she was a wonderful support person. If we were going to have another baby (we aren't), I would want her there again.
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#44 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 10:46 PM
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With DS it was just DH and me. It was an induction() so everyone knew when I was going to the hospital. The family was there but waited outside. It was great to have them come in immediately after DS was born and bond with him and support me!
With DD I had a doula,DH,and another mama/friend. While with both births I tended to just focus inward on myself and my body(and tune everyone out for that matter!)it was nice to have my friend there for support and just cool in general that we were both at each others birth's of our children. She helped me when DH was just kind of trying to figure out what to do, ha-ha! Having a doula was helpful b/c DH gets kinda freaked out at the whole labor and birthing process! She provided me with suggestions he had no clue about By the time DD arrived my MIL and parents had made it into town so they got to see her right away too(and hear me during the birthing process since I was the only one on the floor). kinda funny!

Wife to DH(15 years)and Mama to: Jacob(5/02)kid.gifribbonpurple.gif, and Alina(7/07)energy.gifI luxlove.gifbellyhair.gif
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#45 of 50 Old 02-15-2010, 11:37 PM
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When I gave birth to DS 8 months ago, I wanted only DH and the midwives around. (it was a homebirth that ended in a c-section). After some thought, I felt bad for my mom, who had flown all the way from Greece to be here for the birth of her first grand-child and so I decided to let her be around along with MIL. I asked my dad not to be in the house while I was laboring cause I feared it would be too distracting and I didn't feel comfortable being naked while he's here. Through the labor, I had asked both mom and MIL to be out of the way, and help the midwives only if they are asked to, which they didn't have to do at any point. They were very discreet and sweet and I almost forgot they were here.

Greek vegan mama to an amazing little bean born in May 2009.
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#46 of 50 Old 02-16-2010, 02:46 AM
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Birth #1: Wanted my husband and friend (who I knew would stand up for me to the nurses in the hospital) but there were also nurses (they were doing what was their purpose but I wish they hadn't been there) and my MIL came in while I was pushing, my strong friend allowed my MIL to take my other leg instead, which was not only humiliating (I tried to get my hubby to get her out, the nurse tried to get her out and I was trying to push) but totally distracting because I felt like she'd drop my leg! I hadn't planned on my mother being there either but when in pain asked for my "mommy" to come and she quietly sat in the back of the room.

Birth #2: Home-birth. Husband, midwife, cousin taking pictures, sister in law video-taping, mother watching my first child, first child watching sister be born. Sister in law was unexpected and so we put her to "work" with the camera. The only person there that distracted me this time was my mother - cringing her face when she saw me in labor. My maternal grandmother was there in the afternoon when I went into labor - she talked with me until the contractions became too much to talk through. I cherish the memory of that time with her.

Upcoming birth #3: Planning another home birth. Planned attendees: Husband and our two children, midwife, possible midwife's assistant, mother in law (whom I'm much closer to and comfortable around now - and we plan to let her know she may NOT "participate" in the birth this time - that she may only be there in the back of the room quietly this time if she comes), my mother (but we may ask her to go out of the room unless she can keep a straight face or just come in the room once baby is born), I'd invite my grandmother if she lived closer, and not sure if we'll just hand the camera to someone already on this list or enlist someone to specifically come and take pictures. It is a lot of people but I will most likely labor mostly in my room with just me and dh - until I go into the pool in the living room. The pool covers/blurs most of the nakedness. The lights will be dimmed and everyone will know it is important to be very quiet during contractions - in between we have a good ol' time - least until they come faster/harder and pushing.

Rachel, mom to 6 children.
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#47 of 50 Old 02-16-2010, 04:40 PM
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I haven't read past the first page, but thought I'd add my two cents.

I'm another one sitting here waiting to go into labor. I'm having a HB, and it will be my MW, her assistant, DH, and DD if it's not the middle of the night. My mom is actually in town staying with us, but I don't want her around if I can help it during labor, and certainly not during the birth. She is only here to help out with DD, but honestly, if she weren't here, we were ok with DH taking that role.

I'm actually hoping to labor at night, and get the MWs in without waking everyone. I've been really feeling the need to be alone the last day or two, and think it will carry over to labor as well.

ETA: With DD, everyone was in the hospital waiting room. My parents, ILs, SIL and her husband, DHs step-siblings. We called and said we were at the hospital, but not to come. They did. And they all had to drive 6 HOURS to get there. It really, really bothered me to know they were all down there just waiting all night. And I know it's going to bother me a little to have my mom in my house this time. We aren't calling anyone else to let them know I'm laboring, just so I don't feel like I'm on anyone's timetable, because it really bothered me last time.

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#48 of 50 Old 02-17-2010, 12:49 PM
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DH and I are planning a homebirth. We have invited my mom & dad, my MIL, and DH's 2 aunts. My mom and MIL will be in charge of supporting me with DH, my dad will be in charge of DS, and 2 aunts are video and photography. My Midwife and her assitant will be there aswell.
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#49 of 50 Old 02-17-2010, 03:17 PM
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I withdraw within myself during labor and I definitely don't need or want too many distractions. Even music distracted me, (and I'm a music lover!).

DP and my doula were the only invites and if I happen to do it again, the guest list will probably stay the same.

S~ Peace loving, natural living, FuNkY vegan mama to Keiran bouncy.gif 23/Dec/06:
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" ~~ MLK
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#50 of 50 Old 02-18-2010, 10:41 AM
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Attending my birth
my husband
my doula
an young woman friend recently married
my doctor

At some point 5 minutes before birth, 52 hours since labor began, I requested loudly but kindly that I need everybody in the room to stop moving. I needed to concentrate. The next push progressed as did every push after that.
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