How do I tell people to leave me alone? - Mothering Forums
Birth and Beyond > How do I tell people to leave me alone?
babycatcher12's Avatar babycatcher12 03:18 AM 08-19-2010
I'm not sure if this is where I should be posting this, but here goes...

I am planning a HBA3C for this birth. My family for the most part is okay with it although we're not telling my grandparents (who live about 1 1/2 hours away).

The thing is though, I'm feeling very intruded upon lately. My mom is coming to visit (which normally would be fine AFTER a birth), "just in case". I really don't want her here for the birth. She always thinks you have to "do something" during a birth, and I'm not sure she'll leave me alone if I'm laboring. She also brings her 2 dogs with her. I hate them. I'm a dog lover in general, but these are 2 15+ year old toy poodles that 1. stink and 2. are just irritating as hell.

My grandparents keep calling "just to check in" or with some lame excuse like "we wanted to make sure you're windows are locked". I *thought* I would have several days this week to just relax and hang, but...they called yesterday and they're going to be in town. They thought they'd stop by to see how we're doing and for dinner. (These are the same grandparents we're not telling about the homebirth). So now I feel like I need to run around and hide all traces of my planned home birth (things like towels in the baby crib, the big blown up birth pool etc).

I'm tired of people speculating when I'll "pop" (seriously...that term is really irritating me right now). I don't give a poop when the next full moon is, and just cause it's going to be full doesn't mean my water will break.
I'm tired of people talking about what we're going to name the baby (eventhough we haven't told anyone or made it even slightly official).

It seems like every little comment about my birth, people "just checking" and people just talking about my labor/birth is driving me absolutely insane.

So this is more of a rant, but I'm seriously contemplating going and hiding out in a hotel with DH and our boys...not answering the phone, checking emails, or talking to anyone until the baby comes. But that would probably launch a police search.

Please tell me how to get people off my back or is it totally normal to feel this way? Dh doesn't know what to do...he just kind of smiles at me when I start to get upset. Am I over reacting? (It's really come to a head in the last 24 hours or so). Thanks!

Chula13's Avatar Chula13 03:30 AM 08-19-2010
Well I would have said dont tell them about the homebirth at all but I guess its too late for that. Could you send out a mass email to family telling them that your caregiver has asked that you keep your stress level under control and when they call you constantly even though you know they mean well that it stresses you out?


As far as your mother goes if you dont want her had the birth you need to tell her as soon as possible. Perhaps saying that you would feel more comfortable if it were just you and dh.


Goodluck mama and keep us posted
MsBlack's Avatar MsBlack 08:51 AM 08-19-2010
I'd say--TOTALLY normal to feel this way!

I agree--send out a message somehow--on your outgoing voicemail, with an email, a sign on the door...whatever. You can be-- warm, funny, friendly or as cranky as you like in telling people "love ya--but I don't want to talk about being pregnant, giving birth or naming my baby. I need a lot of privacy right now--no offense if I don't pick up, or return calls soon." etc, and so forth.

As for your mom and her dogs...wow. I have a friend with a similar dog and I don't think I could take having that little stinky, needy thing in my home for days on end. Is there a way to stop her visiting now, and postpone til after the birth? Or at least leave the dogs in storage, er I mean kennel , j/k, for this trip?

And if you don't want her at your birth, I'd get that sorted out ASAP. Let your dh and/or mw take care of it, if it seems too daunting for you....

Happy birthing!
MyFullHouse's Avatar MyFullHouse 10:08 AM 08-19-2010
If you have 2 phones (cell and land, or whatever), leave a message on one along the lines of "Thanks for calling the Baby Lastname hotline. All is well. No baby yet, but we'll be sure to get the word out in a timely manner. If you need to reach us for a different pressing matter, please call the other line. Thank you for thinking of us while we rest up for the big day." Don't leave your other number, b/c anyone who matters will already have it. Then turn the ringer off of the first phone, and have someone else check your messages from time to time.

I'm no help with surprise visits. Our family all lives out of state, and we're in a gated community. Guests need to be called in in advance, lol.
Twinklefae's Avatar Twinklefae 10:19 AM 08-19-2010
It actually sounds like you are getting pretty close. Most people I know go into labour shortly after screaming at someone. Hang in there, it'll all be better soon.

Or just change the answering machine message to "No, I haven't had that baby yet. Go away."
MegBoz's Avatar MegBoz 12:00 PM 08-19-2010
Quote:
Originally Posted by babycatcher12 View Post
Please tell me how to get people off my back or is it totally normal to feel this way?
Totally, TOTALLY normal! Absolutely!
& I HATE that term "Pop" too. Kinda rude - both when used to refer to giving birth and when referring to a mama who's belly's beginning to grow substantially.

I was so beyond miserable at the end. I figured I'd go early - like 38 or 39W (for some stupid reasons) & I went to 41W 4D.

DH was very helpful though & understanding. His mother was not supportive of our plans for NCB & kept making comments like, "Yeah, but those ctrx really hurt."
"Really, MIL? REALLY? Gee, I had no idea I might have to cope with pain if I didn't get an epidural. Wow, good thing you provided that brilliant insight for me." (No, I never said that to her! But thought it, of course.) DH was under strict orders to keep her away from me & that started at like 36W or so. He was totally understanding & cool about it.

Everyone else, like my Mom just knew how upset I'd get at comments like, "No baby yet?" The type of comments that forced me to stop working. My Mom was funny, she made a point of saying, "I"m calling to see how you're doing. Notice I'm NOT calling to ask if you're in labor."

I agree - send a mass email. They will understand! Heck, this is a time people EXPECT you to be emotional & maybe even irrational, so you should get a 'free pass!' & if they DO get annoyed, who cares! They are wrong if they're not sensitive & accommodating with your requests for privacy & space. YOU shouldn't have to be the one to leave your own house to get privacy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinklefae View Post
actually sounds like you are getting pretty close. Most people I know go into labour shortly after screaming at someone.
That's something I never heard. I started wanting to choke my co-workers for the, "No baby yet?" "YOU ARE STILL HERE?!" comments by about 39W. By 40W 0D exactly (my due date), I arrived at the office (knowing I wasn't even "late" considering average gestational length for a first-timer like me is 41W1D) & 2 ladies looked at me as if I'd come to work after my arm just got ripped off & was sitting dripping blood all over my desk. Really, that's now they acted, b/c they knew it was my due date on that exact day. Now I know not to broadcast your exact due date, or to at least pad by 2 weeks if you tell a specific day.

I stopped working ONLY because I really was going to freak out & start screaming if I got any more of that. I couldn't take it & was losing my mind. DS didn't arrive until 11 days later.
TifosiGirl's Avatar TifosiGirl 02:44 PM 08-19-2010
I'm 41w5d today and MAN, do I hear you!!

I've been screening my calls, letting everything go to voicemail first and have largely been ignoring facebook and email.

Hang in there - I hope it's not much longer!
babycatcher12's Avatar babycatcher12 01:51 AM 08-20-2010
Thanks!
Quote:
If you have 2 phones (cell and land, or whatever), leave a message on one along the lines of "Thanks for calling the Baby Lastname hotline. All is well. No baby yet, but we'll be sure to get the word out in a timely manner. If you need to reach us for a different pressing matter, please call the other line. Thank you for thinking of us while we rest up for the big day."
Love this!

Quote:
It actually sounds like you are getting pretty close. Most people I know go into labour shortly after screaming at someone.
I certainly hope this is the case for me. Because I seriously feel like I'm getting more toxic by the day. Poor DH and kids.

Quote:
I've been screening my calls, letting everything go to voicemail first and have largely been ignoring facebook and email.
I've been trying to do this too, but the minute someone can't reach me...they post something on FB or send an email saying "hey! I just tried to call you are you in labor?" I *almost* posted back to my MIL today saying "nope...just trying to ignore you", but thought better of it just before I pushed send.

Thanks for not making feel completely wicked about being grumpy and wanting to just hole up somewhere. So glad I'm not the only one.
St. Margaret 02:12 AM 08-20-2010
At that point of intrusion, I'd enlist DH to call each person and tell them to keep it to themselves, stop calling and messaging you, and to uninvite mom until after the birth, and no dogs, ugh. But I can hardly imagine people acting that way! What's wrong with people.

Actually, DH did kinda do that for me when the ILs invited themselves to the birth (hospital) and he made sure they stayed OUT and didn't tell me they were there . One more reason to have a homebirth this time! I can't trust them ever again to stay away when I tell them I mean it.
Sudonk's Avatar Sudonk 03:45 PM 08-20-2010
Lots of good advice here! Have you talked to your mom yet? I think in your situation, I would call and tell her that you really appreciate the extra hands around the house after the baby arrives and will need her there at that point. Play up how helpful and wonderful it would be to have her there to help with the big kids after the baby arrives. Then you can lead into the fact that you would much prefer her coming after the birth and again, emphasize how much you'll need her then, to help divert any hurt feelings about not wanting her there for the birth.

Definitely leave out any comments about stinky old dogs. LOL!
nainai0585's Avatar nainai0585 11:14 PM 08-29-2010
My mom has been calling me EVERYDAY for the past 2 WEEKS at exactly 9:30am to see if the baby was born yet (I'm 39 weeks 4 Days). Saturday my 4 yr old was at his Jiu Jitsu class and she calls me on my cell (freaking out b/c I wasn't answering the land line ), making me leave the class (I didn't want to be rude to the other parents/students), then hangs up within 5 seconds saying that she was just checking.
Then my younger sister (21 yrs) takes one look at me this past Friday evening and says, "Wow, your huge! I feel so bad for you in this heat. This is why I made sure my baby was born at 36 weeks so I wouldn't have to go through what your going through" - No, the reason why you had that baby (who is in a very loving adoptive home thank god) at 36 weeks is b/c your a selfish b**ch who didn't want to look pregnant when you went back to college - thought only.
Luckily dh's family KNOWS not to call me, b/c I will ignore their call. But this has been our relationship for years. I can go weeks without talking to them.

I'm surprised ds, dh, and my brother haven't left the house yet. Dh has given me the loving name of super b**ch this past week...which truthfully is rightfully earned. My favourite statement right now is, "Please don't talk to me, touch me, or look at me (except you Sean - my ds)."
homebirthing's Avatar homebirthing 01:26 AM 08-30-2010
This is a good time to start setting healthy boundaries. You should put an outgoing message on the phone and turn off the ringer. I did that in the end of every pregnancy.

Hi! You have reached the Biermeier's~ we are all doing great and are taking this time to spend it quietly together as a family. We will let you know when baby comes! Leave a message and have a great day!

And with your mother...you just need to tell her no. No.

It will cause you less stress and she will get over it. Nothing like a new baby to ease a grandma out of a funk.
kindacrunchymama's Avatar kindacrunchymama 03:37 PM 09-07-2010
I absolutely suggest the message on the machine and turn off the ringer. Also leave an auto reply for your emails. In both messages include that you do not wish to have "suprise vists" and to please arrange vists in advance. I would also leave a note on your front dorr to tthat effect, if suprise vists are all that common. If you need to lie; tell everyone you are just not feeling very well and would prefer no vistors right now.
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