Dh says he will read ONE book - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 42 Old 11-04-2010, 05:01 PM
 
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Okay, aside from that being a heterocentric way to put it...

My philosophy is perhaps not "no vagina, no vote," but "no vagina, no veto."

Trust me, I discuss these things with DH like there is no tomorrow, and it's not like I (or very many women at all) would literally be that dismissive to our partners or not take their feelings, preferences and concerns into consideration. But when it comes down to it, even if we each get one vote for "half" of the baby, I get one for my own body and DH does not. Ultimately, that's 2 to 1, or at bare minimum, 51% to 49%.

IME, 90+% of the time, when women say "no vagina, no vote," they don't mean "I'm going to make my decisions in a vacuum and do whatever I want to do and [partner] can go to h3ll if he/she doesn't like it." They mean, "If push comes to shove and DP is not on board, no matter how much information I give, how much honey I drip on it, how much I am willing to concede or discuss or debate or handhold, and we are 100% completely at a standstill, then, yes, *I* get to make the decision."

"No vagina, no vote" might sound unnecessarily oppositional, but it is usually used as shorthand for "when push ABSOLUTELY comes to shove"-- and that's precisely because it's not unprecedented for women to say, "Well, I wanted X, and I felt really strongly about it, and it's the safest choice for us, and I did everything I could to explain this to DP and allay his/her fears, but ultimately he/she 'didn't agree,' so we had to go with Y." Where Y may be a "compromise" (at best), but it's not what the mom has decided is the best choice. So ultimately, we're left with the mom being "allowed" to have her preferences and the partner being able to veto. IMO? That's bull. When push absolutely comes to shove-- a circumstance certainly best avoided-- SOMEONE has to have the advantage. And you bet I believe that's the person carrying the baby(ies) and giving birth. I'd hate it to come to that, I think people should do their absolute best to avoid that scenario if they care at all about their relationship, etc., but if it comes to it, it comes to it.

DH's input, discussion, influence, absolutely. But flat out refusal will be met with, "I'm sorry you feel that way," in my household. And yes, I do feel that's how "it should be" as a rule. But shoulda woulda coulda-- I know I'm in the minority. Luckily for me, DH recently said, "Of course, it's my baby, of course I care-- but it's not just the baby, it's your body. I don't have to carry and birth that baby-- why should I get to dictate anything about pregnancy and birth? I trust your judgment and agree with you, but even if I didn't, I can't see any reason why *I* should be able to tell you what to do."

What really happens in most of these cases is that the "burden of proof" for NCB or HB or whatever falls on the mom, because it's not "mainstream," even if it's provably better. So even if she "proves her case," her DP's consent is considered necessary to move forward with this wacky/risky/questionable course. Like she's not considered to have really proven her case if her DP doesn't consent. Well, whatever. Lots of people don't believe the truth. That doesn't make it untrue.

/rant
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#32 of 42 Old 11-04-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mmaramba View Post
Okay, aside from that being a heterocentric way to put it...
<snip>
When push absolutely comes to shove-- a circumstance certainly best avoided-- SOMEONE has to have the advantage. .
Ah, fair point on hetero-centric. Technically it should be, "No birthing vagina, no vote." In any case, I didn't make up the phrase & I really disagree with it!

I totally agree with you. & I've written book-length posts on it before, where I also pointed out that if a DP is slightly uncomfortable with a birthing scenario, say HB, he* should suck it up & deal with it because if Mom is slightly uncomfortable with the hospital, that can actually impede labor's progress!! Physiologically, her discomfort is actually detrimental to the event!

So considering that fact, if someone has to compromise, that's another reason that it's simply the logical conclusion that the DP be the one to do so!! Mom's comfort level absolutely should be more important than DP's.

*Not trying to continue to be hetero-centric, but I just don't want to take the time to constantly type s/he & him/her. My posts are long enough! Same reason I usually call babies "he" cuz mamas are always 'she'!
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#33 of 42 Old 11-04-2010, 06:48 PM
 
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I would love to get a doula, but I don't think we can afford it.

Some time ago, a "medical expert" was on MSNBC talking about how doulas were "unfortunately" a "luxury" that most people can't afford. She's wrong. And it infuriates me that she started and spreaded this misinformation.

Get prices. You may be surprised. And because having a doula present lowers the rate of unnecessary interventions, including cesarean, just think of how much money you'll save.

Outside of major urban areas, they can run as low as $250.

Student doulas will do it for free, and most doulas I've talked to are willing to negotiate or do a sliding scale.

Hynobabies may help YOU in handling the birth, but no amount of it will make sure that your wishes are honored in the delivery room. I'm telling you, get a doula!! (Or don't. I just have my biases. )

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#34 of 42 Old 11-04-2010, 11:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Chavelamomela View Post
I agree. My DH is also not a huge reader. I would read passages aloud from the birth books I was reading, we went to an awesome birthing class series, we had good discussions with our doula, and we watched some films. DH was seriously prepared and an awesome partner. He refused to read the books because he's just not a reader, but we constantly spoke about what we wanted for the birth and he was awesome.
This! If he's not a reader (which my hubby isn't) then pressuring him to read a book is not going to help. He may do it, but still not be invested in the birth process. I talked my hubby into going to Bradley classes. He wasn't very into the idea, but being with other couples and learning in a more interactive way helped him get into it alot. I think it was the 3rd session (out of 12) when he turned to me and actually became engaged and part of the process, he also said we should have a home birth! Which was the opposite end of the spectrum from where he had been before. We did not have a home birth, my decision, but a really great birth at a hospital, where everything we had learned in the class, along with a fabulous midwife ensured us the birth we wanted-No medications or interventions. The classes really helped me as well. Iwas not great about practicing the excerices and did not use a lot of the relaxation techniques, but the solid information about my body and birthing kept me grounded, centered and committed-all of which I needed in giving birth to my almost 11 pounder. It was also a great way for us to connect make the process about both of us.
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#35 of 42 Old 11-04-2010, 11:35 PM
 
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Student doulas will do it for free
This is not true; in fact, when I attend doula trainings I always encourage new doulas to charge *something.* I don't know any new doulas who work for free--and they shouldn't, IMO. It's a demanding job. With that being said, I'm sure the OP can find someone who is just starting out and who is charging a lower rate, or she can do a payment plan.
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#36 of 42 Old 11-05-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by firedancer1212 View Post
This is not true; in fact, when I attend doula trainings I always encourage new doulas to charge *something.* I don't know any new doulas who work for free--and they shouldn't, IMO. It's a demanding job. With that being said, I'm sure the OP can find someone who is just starting out and who is charging a lower rate, or she can do a payment plan.
I found one who did. But I apologize for the generalization.

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#37 of 42 Old 11-05-2010, 04:59 PM
 
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I agree with the pps who said not every dh is cut out for labor support. Mine sure wasn't!

Another vote here for hypnobabies AND a doula (better yet, a hypnobabies trained hypnodoula!). I know many doulas who DO work for free or reduced rates; many of us have the philosophy that every woman deserves a doula regardless of her financial situation.

Loving mama to ds C (6/07) and dd N (11/08). Joyously welcomed our rainbow1284.gif, dd2 A (8/11).

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#38 of 42 Old 11-07-2010, 01:53 AM
 
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Another vote for doulas, as well as the birth partner-- and he doesn't have to read the whole thing either-- if you go through with him and point out things, or highlight passages, that will help too.

The big turning point for my DH in realizing what I was "going for" with our (one day) birth was watching movies though. It's a good visualization for guys who haven't been picturing this labor for years like some of us have. DH sat and watched "Birth as we know it" (absolutely amazing btw) with me, and at the end he was basically stunned, and now he totally gets what I want and need. He might not know specific breathing patterns or massage points, but he knows what my goal is, the vibe I want from the birth, and I think that's more important.

Don't discount him just becasue he won't read guys. For some people it doesn't come as naturally, and it may be that he doesn't retain information as well. He never said he wouldn't learn- he just said limit it to one book. Heck for my DH reading Birth Partner would probably take a month. It's not realistic to expect everyone to devour books the same.

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#39 of 42 Old 11-07-2010, 12:52 PM
 
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Im another wife with a husband who doesnt read books and its not because he's lazy or unwilling to participate, but its because he finds ME to be the authority on all things pregnancy and childbirth. WHY?, because ive been studying it for years! (darn baby fever lol) and because he trusts my opinions, findings and intuition. He trusts ME over any book that i could throw at him, so i pretty much do like some posters above...I regurgitate what i learn to him so that i can educate him as well.

Ive watched the Business of Being Born with him as well, so that is most definitely a good place to start. And then with everyone in our peer group popping babies left and right, he comes to me with any questions he (or his friends!) has.

NMY actively making my dreams happen :
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#40 of 42 Old 11-07-2010, 01:05 PM
 
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Get yourself a doula, ASAP

A doula will also help your husband be better support. If you can't afford one, there are many doulas who will work on sliding fee scales with low income families. I think you would find it money very well spent.

I also vote for The Birth Partner. I recommend it to nearly all the husbands of clients as a really good general book that covers a bit of everything in a matter-of-fact kinda way.

Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

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#41 of 42 Old 11-07-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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I vote "the birth partner".
And get thee a doula.

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#42 of 42 Old 11-07-2010, 11:45 PM
 
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Edited: I just read your updated post. It seems you are mostly on your own on this one: hire a doula, find a way: barter, trade, go on a payment plan if you need to.

Best, best wishes to you, mama, for a safe, healthy and empowering birth, and all the support you need and deserve.
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