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-   -   Dh says he will read ONE book (http://www.mothering.com/forum/213-birth-beyond/1276484-dh-says-he-will-read-one-book.html)

dakotablue 11-02-2010 09:12 PM

Last pregnancy Dh promised he would read books and never did, despite owning them. We ended up with a C/S. I truly believe that things wouldn't have happened the way they did had he been more informed. (I don't entirely blame him or myself or the staff, but we all hold blame. I think he could have stood up to the nurses who were pushing things when I didn't want them and wasn't in a place to argue.)

That aside He says he promises (which I do believe) he will read one book. It need to be good and comprehensive.

What do you all recommend?

I on the other hand and reading everything I can get my hands on (like last time) And we are going with a MW this time which will also help a great deal.

Juvysen 11-02-2010 10:06 PM

I vote "the birth partner".

c'est moi 11-02-2010 10:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
I vote "the birth partner".
i was going to say that too. only one my husband read and he was well-prepared. he also highly recommends to other dads.

bluesky2010 11-02-2010 11:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by c'est moi View Post
i was going to say that too. only one my husband read and he was well-prepared. he also highly recommends to other dads.
Yup it is neccessary to read some books.

Rejoicing 11-02-2010 11:59 PM

Oh the Bradley Method book!!! We read it together at night and practiced, otherwise my husband would not have read it at all. He liked doing it together, though! That book is THE BEST! If I could only read ONE book to prepare for birth, that would be it. The one I have is not by the bradley guy, but some woman, elizabeth something or other. It is set up simple and has tons of pictures.

zinemama 11-03-2010 12:05 AM

I recommend hiring a doula and letting him find his own book and read it. If he's not motivated enough to do that on his own, you're going to want someone else there who's informed and on your side. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't fathom a partner who couldn't be bothered to read a book the first time around, and despite what happened, now says he'll read only one.

Ola_ 11-03-2010 12:50 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I recommend hiring a doula and letting him find his own book and read it. If he's not motivated enough to do that on his own, you're going to want someone else there who's informed and on your side. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't fathom a partner who couldn't be bothered to read a book the first time around, and despite what happened, now says he'll read only one.
I agree with this unfortunately. It sounds like he's not really into becoming informed and standing up for you. I would pick a book for him on the odd chance that it may catch his interest and get him reading and researching more on his own, but otherwise I wouldn't really count on him to be too much support in labour. It's better if you both have reasonable expectations and get someone there who can be a reliable support person for you.

dogretro 11-03-2010 01:16 AM

ITA w/ The Birth Partner. It is a v excellent book. I would also read it and make sure to discuss the parts that you consider to be important. I had a frank discussion w/ dh after having him read two chapters b/c we had decided not to spend the money on a doula. Now, my dh is VERY supportive of my birth choices and fully agrees w/ them, but I did need the reassurance from him that he was fully in my corner. Good luck!

kcparker 11-03-2010 12:20 PM

If he likes lots of solid, unbiased information, charts, and detail, The Birth Partner is GREAT! If he wants something a little less tome-like and a faster (but still informative), funnier read, Your Best Birth, the companion book to The Business of Being Born, is really worthwhile too.

PS: I second the idea of hiring a doula also!

kawa kamuri 11-03-2010 12:42 PM

That's kind of crappy considering it's ya'lls baby and your body going through pregnancy and birth. Why choose to remain ignorant especially in light of your previous birth? I'm sorry, lady. If my SO was so kind to consent to reading A BOOK but no more I'd probably invite him to wait outside the birthing room and hire a doula to give me the support I need and that's the most mild thing I'd do. Seriously.

weliveintheforest 11-03-2010 01:00 PM

the birth partner. You might want to go through ahead of him and highlight stuff.

Youngfrankenstein 11-03-2010 01:03 PM

I haven't read the Birth Partner so that may be a good choice, but I had my dh read the second half of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. He liked her no-nonsense approach. I don't think he would have enjoyed the birth stories in the front at all.

Would he watch The Business of Being Born? I think that really tipped the scales for my dh. It's available from Netflix on DVD or streaming. I DO NOT recommend Pregnant in America!

kawa kamuri 11-03-2010 01:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein View Post
Would he watch The Business of Being Born? I think that really tipped the scales for my dh. It's available from Netflix on DVD or streaming. I DO NOT recommend Pregnant in America!
Rent Orgasmic Birth while you're at it

goldingoddess 11-03-2010 01:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
I recommend hiring a doula and letting him find his own book and read it. If he's not motivated enough to do that on his own, you're going to want someone else there who's informed and on your side. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't fathom a partner who couldn't be bothered to read a book the first time around, and despite what happened, now says he'll read only one.
I would too hire a doula if I was in your situation.

That said my husband didn't read any books, and never showed any interest in reading books. But we talked about birth and what to expect and my expectations A LOT. Like daily. I talked about my fears and hopes, my 'vision' for the birth constantly, and we would have engaged conversations about it. We talked about routine interventions and haw awful they were and were watched the business of being born. So even though he never read any books, I felt that he was fully prepared through our almost daily discussion of birth and what we wanted to happen.

alicewyf 11-03-2010 01:20 PM

My DH read The Expectant Father. There is some non-homebirth-and AP-friendly stuff in there, so you might want to warn him about that, but my husband really liked it. It was just enough info for him to understand what was going on without getting into too many details. I did try to get him to read The Birth Partner but he was so not into it. After reading a bit of it I do understand why, as it can get technical at times.

We did take the Bradley course together and he picked up a LOT from that, and really enjoyed it. My midwives could tell that he was a "Bradley dad" when I was in labor!

rhiOrion 11-03-2010 01:47 PM

Another vote for The Birth Partner

konayossie 11-03-2010 02:52 PM

Another vote for Simkin's The Birth Partner. I had read tons about birth myself, and got this one for my DH. He read some of it, but I read all of it and learned a lot more myself! I am so glad I read it b/c it was the only resource I looked at that talked about some of the interventions I ended up with (like amnio-infusion). It would be super-helpful for a birth partner.

I also agree with having him watch The Business of Being Born. Watching a movie is really low commitment, and DH was totally on board with all things natural birth after watching it.

Catherine12 11-03-2010 04:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rejoicing View Post
Oh the Bradley Method book!!! We read it together at night and practiced, otherwise my husband would not have read it at all. He liked doing it together, though! That book is THE BEST! If I could only read ONE book to prepare for birth, that would be it. The one I have is not by the bradley guy, but some woman, elizabeth something or other. It is set up simple and has tons of pictures.
I think you're thinking of "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way" by Susan McKutcheon. I really love that book - it is comprehensive and clear, with a lot of great advice and exercises partners can do together. And I know my dh has found it useful.

Amatullah0 11-03-2010 04:28 PM

I was going to recommend The Birth Partner too!

I also recommend hiring a doula, not just because of your DH's mentality, but because a doula is not emotionally attached to your birth like you and your DH are, and therefore she has the ability to help you make rational decisions in labor(as opposed to fear-based ones)

Chavelamomela 11-03-2010 04:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by goldingoddess View Post
I would too hire a doula if I was in your situation.

That said my husband didn't read any books, and never showed any interest in reading books. But we talked about birth and what to expect and my expectations A LOT. Like daily. I talked about my fears and hopes, my 'vision' for the birth constantly, and we would have engaged conversations about it. We talked about routine interventions and haw awful they were and were watched the business of being born. So even though he never read any books, I felt that he was fully prepared through our almost daily discussion of birth and what we wanted to happen.

I agree. My DH is also not a huge reader. I would read passages aloud from the birth books I was reading, we went to an awesome birthing class series, we had good discussions with our doula, and we watched some films. DH was seriously prepared and an awesome partner. He refused to read the books because he's just not a reader, but we constantly spoke about what we wanted for the birth and he was awesome.

Smokering 11-03-2010 05:06 PM

Quote:
I don't mean to sound harsh, but I can't fathom a partner who couldn't be bothered to read a book the first time around, and despite what happened, now says he'll read only one.
Ehhh... I dunno. My DH was great during labour, but refused to read any books ahead of time. He's a slow reader and was very busy, and preferred to get his info from my incessant waffling about all the stuff I've read. I asked his opinion about things I felt he should get a say in, like refusing vitamin K and so on, and he pretty much said "I trust you, you've done the research, just tell me what to do". So I wrote up a two-page document for him, telling him what he was supposed to do during labour, listing all the procedures we were refusing and accepting, and even putting in a "If Things Go Wrong" section telling him what to do if I needed a C-section or had to be separated from the baby and so on. (Just as well, as it turned out - I wasn't sectioned, but did have a PP emergency-ish situation that meant he had to hold the baby for half an hour while I doctors did nasty things to me with forceps.)

And he was very supportive. I'm not sure what his beef was with reading books exactly, but it didn't bug me too much. He'd read the odd article I linked him to, if it was short.

ETA: Hiring a doula might be a good idea in your situation, though. I don't mean to put you off the idea!

jestrella 11-04-2010 04:01 AM

One book? Surely there are bigger issues represented here.
As a birthing woman I would not stand for a partner putting such limits on his participation in the process.

Juvysen 11-04-2010 10:17 AM

Eh. Dh never got around to reading the stuff I wanted him to, but was fully on board. We took the stupid hospital "this is what we're going to do to you" class, and I battered on about what I had read after it came up in class. Turns out I hate to be touched in labor, so all the preparing he did was sort of moot... he did help me reconsider when I was considering drugs, though.

Turquesa 11-04-2010 11:29 AM

If your DH is busy, go the movie route. The Business of Being Born, Pregnant in America , and Orgasmic Birth immediately come to mind. The first is available for viewing on Netflix. And I have to chime in with another vote for getting a doula.

arb 11-04-2010 11:37 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by jestrella View Post
One book? Surely there are bigger issues represented here.
As a birthing woman I would not stand for a partner putting such limits on his participation in the process.
Yeah, the bigger issue may be he's not someone who likes to learn through reading. I begged my partner to read The Birth Partner but he never really did. But in the end he got a LOT out of our birth class, which was 10 WEEKS of 2.5+ hr classes (we totally loved them, too). I think it's asking too much to expect all men to be suited as labor coaches. No fair to start the journey of fatherhood feeling like a failure. Ask a close, experienced friend to be there or hire a doula (newly minted doulas often work very cheap--I know because I did!).

lyterae 11-04-2010 11:49 AM

DH watched The Business of Being Born with me, and we're reading through The Birth Partner together. I'm not really concerned about what he is or is not reading.. Most of his information comes from me telling him stuff or him asking the midwife. I have also picked up a couple of Bradley books from the library to read through. My main focus is to make him comfortable with birth (this will be our first homebirth).

dakotablue 11-04-2010 12:04 PM

So I guess "The birthing partner" it is

Thanks so much for your replies.

Truth be told Dh has a hard time concentrating when reading and he has GAD. He felt that my telling him information was enough, but he didn't call on that information when needed. When we were at the hospital he kinda had a I trust you and the doctors mind set, not ever considering that I really couldn't be trusted. He has never done well in emergency situations. Once in college I had a seizure like reaction to a medication and he just sat down and cried. I had to sign to him to call 911.

I would love to get a doula, but I don't think we can afford it. I am however thinking of getting hypnobabies. That seems more like something I can do without having to rely heavily on him. OR I could maybe find a doula in training for the same amount...I think the hypobabies would be more effective...?

I am angry with him for not being stronger and not being more involved, but I think I have to recognize his limitations. He, outside of his GAD,(which he is really really working on with a Dr.) is a wonderful husband, father and provider. I am upset with myself for not going with my gut and having a MW the first time, because he was too nervous to have a non hospital birth. There are hospitals within 20mins, he didn't see logic in traveling 45-1hr MW hospital.

Also, his mom had 4 c/s and no one in his family (until DS and a few cousins babies born right around the same time) had a baby in 15 years.

Anyway Thanks so much for your replies, even the ones upset with Dh! I'm glad there was a consensus. We will also rent the business of being born. I've wanted to see it for a while, but would have to rent it, now I have a great excuse!

MegBoz 11-04-2010 01:06 PM

I totally agree that some men just aren't cut-out to be labor support & I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It doesn't mean he's not a good husband & won't be a good father! But it IS a bad thing for him to not realize his limitations & make sure you get the support you need if he can't be the one to provide it for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotablue View Post
I had a seizure like reaction to a medication and he just sat down and cried. I had to sign to him to call 911.
Whoa - yeah, big, red, huge flashing flag here! That's OK, some people are like that, but it is NOT OK for him to think that he could be effective labor support. To be good labor support, you have to be the type of person to really keep their cool in an overwhelming situation. Again, it's OK that he is NOT that type of person - but NOT OK for him to not realize this limitation and realize that it means he can't be effective labor support.

After all, even a really well-equipped DH has NEVER "BTDT" - so having a doula with experience is super helpful. As others have said, it's like having a sherpa to climb Mt. Everest. Even though you DO need to get prepared yourself, it's still good to have assistance from someone with experience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dakotablue View Post
I am upset with myself for not going with my gut and having a MW the first time, because he was too nervous to have a non hospital birth. There are hospitals within 20mins, he didn't see logic in traveling 45-1hr MW hospital.
OK, sorry, but this makes me INSANE! Some people say, "No vagina, no vote," when it comes to the issue of a DH being opposed to HB or FSBC or even MW in a hospital. I disagree with that because even though only the mama is the one giving birth, the choice of HCPs DOES impact the baby too & health care decisions pertaining to the baby should be made jointly.

However... I say, "No education, no vote." Health care decisions should be made based on science -> logic, reason & research! NOT emotions, fear, traditions, and "cuz that's what everyone else does" etc.

and, this too is going to sound harsh, but anyone who doesn't see the logic in driving farther to a better hospital IS NOT INFORMED AT ALL! That displays a gross ignorance. An extreme lack of knowledge about birth in America. So someone so excessively uninformed has no right opening their mouth at all, IMO.

The BIGGEST predictors about whether or not you'll have a CS... the #1 and #2 factors that determine it are....
1. Your choice of HCP
2. Your choice of birth location.

So, yeah, it matters. It's worth the drive.

Get a doula - ask around, find one in training. Definitely, absolutely. Scrimp & save, or find an NCB-experienced friend, but you need good labor support.

St. Margaret 11-04-2010 04:03 PM

I do love hypnobabies, and I think their sale might still be on, 20% off... it also had plenty about how the birth partner must protect the mama, so that might help him.

BUT I would really look into your birth setting and HCP. And depending on how REALLY supportive they are, GET A DOULA. A great doula will protect you and help you stick to your goals in the face of BS doctor stuff, and if you have a good relationship, you can trust her to let you know if things got to the true point of interventions.

I don't know if my DH read any books before our first birth... maybe Unconditional Parenting, because I read it and it blew my mind as summing up everything I believed, and I shared it with him and he totally agreed. But that's hardly helpful for birth! He did come to a good birthing class with me, and helped with hypnobabies and read the parts in there for dads. But he listened to me as I went over everything-- I wanted to share what I was learning and process it, and he was grateful that I was doing the research, and he was very committed. Just reading or not reading may not tell the whole story, but support and knowing when you need MORE support (ie a homebirth or doula, etc) is key.

Smokering 11-04-2010 04:27 PM

Quote:
Some people say, "No vagina, no vote," when it comes to the issue of a DH being opposed to HB or FSBC or even MW in a hospital. I disagree with that because even though only the mama is the one giving birth, the choice of HCPs DOES impact the baby too & health care decisions pertaining to the baby should be made jointly.

However... I say, "No education, no vote."
Hear hear!

(I wish I'd had the guts to say that to MIL a few times during my last pregnancy... not that she'd get a vote anyway, but there are times people need to be told "Dude, you don't have the right to HAVE an opinion on this before you've learned anything about it... and you definitely don't have the right to pit your off-the-top-of-your-head prejudices against my hours and hours of research." Ahem.)


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