So conflicted about where to birth. - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Where should I plan to give birth?
Home with CPM 1 12.50%
Hospital with CNM 4 50.00%
The Farm 3 37.50%
Voters: 8. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 22 Old 01-27-2011, 05:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I keep going back and forth and second guessing everything, probably because my first birth was a bad experience. I don't have a whole lot of trust this time around, and I am scared of the pain. (Long story short, I tried to home birth, transferred, the care from my MW was not at all what I expected, I had LEEP scar tissue, cervical swelling/lip, posterior baby, shoulder dystocia, etc, etc, and not so great postpartum care in the downtown hospital.)  (The story is here http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1099751/emotional-support-for-transfer if you are so inclined.) 

 

I have three options for this birth, and if anyone could weigh in and offer some insight, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like I can't rely on my own advice to myself, or advice from my mother (*cough*) 

 

So, three options:

 

1. Home-- I am having a hard time finding HB MWs near me. And I'm hesitant to put my faith in ONE person, since last time my MW really let me down.I also let myself down, and I am worried about failing again. HOWEVER, home would probably be the best place for my DD, who will be 2yo for the birth. We have no close friends here, and no family nearby. My mom will try to fly in a few days before the birth, but she has never done things like put my 2yo to bed, etc. And she's pretty mainstream. I would leave my DD with her, but only for a short time. I would also NEED a doula if I stay at home. DH is not exactly a "coach".  :)  Oh, and I am dreadfully scared of transferring here in our town. Of the hospital here, someone in my tribal area said they "wouldn't take their dog" to our local hospital. It's scary/bad/mainstream. 

 

2. Hospital with CNMs-- The down side is that I don't get to pick my MW, I get whoever is on call. It's a good hospital with a good NICU, etc. (Vanderbilt Univ. Hospital in Nashville) The "Vandy Midwives" have a great reputation. But WHAT would I do with my DD? We live an hour from Vandy. I can't leave her home with my mom and drive an hour away in labor, not knowing when I'll be back. 

 

3. The Farm-- I am 2 to 2 1/2 hours from the Farm. We visited, and our MW there seems great. We'd have my mom come stay with me until I go into labor, and then DH would drive down when I went into labor (he'd be home, going to work every day.) The Farm is rustic, though, and the cabins are very tight. I'm not sure about my mom, what she'd even DO with my DD while I was in labor. It's pretty darn small. What if I am screaming? What if my mom says something negative? What if it's a little too rustic to be comfortable for 7-10 days before the birth and a few days after? The good things are that I think I'd be safe there. I mean, if I can't birth naturally at The Farm, I must be a big failure! Or have something seriously wrong that I'd truly need to transfer (although that would break my heart.) 

 

I feel like I am rambling and probably not getting all the important points out. I am 21 weeks, and this decision is weighing heavily on me, to the point where it's keeping me awake at night, which anyone who is pregnant and also has a toddler know is awful in the morning.  :(  

 


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#2 of 22 Old 01-27-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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Whew okay take a deep breath 

 

I think you would be most comfortable at home with the right midwife. You have the time to search, so I would start -- don't be afraid to open up about your past birth, the expectations you have now, and what you need to have a positive birth experience. Take your time : ) I think at home you can feel confident knowing your daughter is there. This was a huge concern for me when I was due with my son; I wanted my daughter to feel safe, connected, and happy but I wanted a smooth birth too. Having her here while my parents cared for her was totally fine, and she never heard me moaning/shrieking. 

 

I'd right more but I'm pooped. Good luck 


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#3 of 22 Old 01-27-2011, 06:38 PM
 
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I've just settled on my place of birth after having some similar worries.  I couldn't sleep until I had it settled either.  It sounds like your main concern is your DD, which was mine as well.  My DD is 3.5, and will be almost 4 for the birth--but she's super high needs and super attached.  She's never spent a night away from me and she nurses to sleep most nights.  I finally just made a decision to have a hospital birth, because I needed to have things settled.  I was really concerned about how DD will deal with it, but honestly, I've just had to let go of that.  I can't take care of her when I'm in labor--I need to focus all my energy on my birth.  I hope that my mother is able to get here quickly (she lives 2 hours away) and I hope she and DD have a blast.  But if she doesn't, I have to let go.  Spending the night safely in her own home with someone she's comfortable with isn't going to emotionally damage her for life.  We'll get through it.

 

I think you need to do the same thing.  I think you need to take your daughter out of the equation for a minute and figure out where YOU feel the most comfortable.  And then you need to start preparing her for whatever that plan is and start making arrangements.  If there's a concern that your mother might not make it in time, then I would find a backup plan just in case.  Find a neighbor or sitter or something that you trust and start getting DD comfortable with them.  Once you have your place of birth determined, you can start dealing with the emotional work you need to do to get ready for it.  I have failures from my first birth I'm dealing with too, but just having the birthplace determined has lifted an enormous load off me.

 

Good luck to you--this is tough work!

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#4 of 22 Old 01-27-2011, 09:44 PM
 
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Option 1 (homebirth): It seems like you have some time to try and potentially find someone.  And I agree with previous posters, be brutally honest with providers, don't hesitate to grill people!  I would not, however, choose your place of birth based on the needs of your DD.  Not home, not hospital, not anywhere...  Choose based on YOUR needs during labor.  I would start really asking in your tribal area about great midwives, great doulas, and maybe even a support person for your DD...  I've met quite a number of MDC moms in person, and I know there are moms on here who have experience with childcare.  But make your decision for YOU, and then you can figure out how to work something out for your DD to fit YOUR needs.  You get to be selfish in birth!!

 

Option 2 (hospital):  It sounds like you'd choose this option out of the fear that you'd have to transfer again, and you'd just rather go to the best hospital?  If you think you'd be the most comfortable at the hospital, then that's what you should do...  But again, figure out YOUR needs.  Despite the fact that at this very moment, it wouldn't be feasable for your DD, I'm sure you can make it work before actual D-day if this is really what's best.  I wouldn't choose this option just out of fear of transfer though.  Find in your heart what YOU need, and plan accordingly.  Fear is a poor basis for any decision...

 

Option 3 (the farm):  I think if anyone can offer you a great hope of an awesome, hospital free delivery, it would be the farm ladies!  I wouldn't worry about things being too cramped, and I would also think that this option might give your DD more things to do with a support person; woods to explore, other kids to play with.  And if you're screaming, so what?  Again, at 2, it wouldn't be the end of the world to hear mama yell her head off.  She might be upset for a day, but at that age, stuff just rolls right off...  It'll be forgotten soon!!  I also think the farm midwives have a really good reputation of knowing how to be there for women during their labors...  It's in all their stories.  I think they would understand how you might need extra support and love considering your previous experience, and your DH's inability to be as supportive as you'd like.

 

As for your mom in labor, whoever you decide to birth with, let them know your mom is pretty mainstream.  That she'll probably be a necessary presence for your DD, but that they might need to run some interference.  I can tell, honestly, by some of your concerns, just how lacking your midwife probably was for you.  I don't think my midwife would have let ANYONE say anything negative to me during my labor.  I talked with her before hand about keeping anyone but her and DH out of the room, and I'm pretty sure that wolves couldn't have gotten past her.  I had my midwife and her apprentice and DH at my birth, and I honestly wouldn't have needed a doula once, even if you had taken DH out of the equation.  My midwife was super supportive -- when I got to the rough part, she was there the whole time.  Coaching, reminding me to breath, rubbing my back and my hips.  I think that a really good midwife will be extra hands on and supportive if that's what you need, and maybe in interviewing, let your midwife know that you want SUPPORT.

 

Tough decision mama.  Whatever you decide, think of YOU first, and then line up those ducks to get what YOU want and need!


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#5 of 22 Old 01-27-2011, 10:10 PM
 
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I'd go to The Farm :)

Good luck, however you decide.


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#6 of 22 Old 01-28-2011, 07:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beauchamp View Post

3. The Farm-- .... I mean, if I can't birth naturally at The Farm, I must be a big failure! 

 

Yikes! That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. That actually contributes to me thinking you should take the farm off the table. Plus, are the CPMs at the farm really, truly that much better than the MWs available to you for HB? I mean, I know Ina May Gaskin is a famous, fantastic MW, but to make a long trip, stay in a cabin that sounds like it is very unappealing to you, and sacrifice the comfort of your own home WITHOUT gaining the 'benefits' of hospital birth? Eh, strikes me as the least appealing option - UNLESS you can't get a decent MW for home birth. Also what about transfer? What is the hospital like that you would transfer too if you were at the Farm?

 

For HB, you mention the local hospital is bad. Well, are you sure it's bad for birth? Sometimes, hospitals that are fantastic overall are horrible for birth & vice versa. For example, when I was first PG & clueless, I was planning on delivering at Johns Hopkins here in Baltimore... literally one of the very top hospitals in the whole nation! (According to US News & World report.) HUMPH! HORRIBLE place for healthy women to birth!! (Thankfully I got educated & switched out by 20W). NO WAY would I birth there as a healthy woman. So my point being, dig deeper on this issue. 

 

As for the Vandy MWs, That is a disadvantage that you don't get to chose - BUT - I think in a hospital birth, the entire facility has a big impact too. What are the nurses like? What is PP care like? Do they have tubs to labor in? Do they allow water birth? These things don't change regardless of which MW you get in labor - AND, since they usually want you to meet with them all at prenatal apts, you can get them all to review & approve your birth plan, so there would be no question of debating issues like no IV fluids, intermittent monitoring, etc. etc.

 

My point being- if you think you might need a hospital, and these MWs are good, and the hospital itself is good, I wouldn't let it bother me too much that I can't pick which MW I get. (Although I'd definitely have a doula.) Not that I think the hospital is necessarily your best choice - it's a tough one. Best of luck to you.

 

 

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#7 of 22 Old 01-28-2011, 09:49 AM
 
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I wouldn't go to the Farm because it sounds like you wouldn't be comfortable there.  The birth center where I had DS1 had three rooms--a green one, blue one and peach one.  I did not want to birth in the peach room (and even had it on my birth plan!).  But because of other births that day, I had no choice.  I had to be in the peach room.  I had my eyes closed the whole time.  I did not want to see that peach room.  It sounds silly and it certainly didn't ruin my birth, but if you feel a bit uncomfortable when  you're not in labor, you will be much more uncomfortable when in labor.

 

My vote would be for home or hospital.  Like PP said, make the choice that feels most comfortable for you.  While it isn't great to make decisions out of fear, if the decision relieves the fear, then I think it can be okay.  Being at the hospital might really put your mind at ease and allow you to relax.  But if you think it wouldn't, then go for home.

 

I also wouldn't worry about your daughter.  She will be fine!!  Even if she has to be away from you for a day or so.  I left my son for the first time at Christmas with my parents and he had a wonderful time.  He asked for me and my husband once, but was never upset. 

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#8 of 22 Old 01-28-2011, 10:17 AM
 
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I would stay home,but then I am biased since I had 2 home births.My first was a UC,and the 2nd was with a hands off MW.Dh tended to our 3yo dd while I birth our second. You need to do whatever you feel most comfortable with. With my first I did not even want a MW and there was no way I could birth in a hospital.

 

I hope you can find a decent MW or find comfort in the other options. I wasn't too happy having one,but dh wanted someone,and she turned out to be very hands off(what I needed).

 

One thing I always told people was to prep yourself for a UC,because you never know if you will have to birth on your own. It has happened to 2 moms I know planning hospital births,but they weren't able to make it in time to the hospital.

 

Best wishes and so sorry about your first birth. I had a lot of *bad* things happen after dd was born. You just never know,and do the best you can!

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#9 of 22 Old 01-30-2011, 07:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OP here. Two things that worry me (or, two *other* things, LOL) are 

 

1. My mom. I am not sure how she will be at the birth. She says she will "be fine", and that may be true. One thing I hate to even say on a public forum is that my mom has some issues with alcohol. There have been times when she's clearly been drinking and my brother has told her she can't be near his kids when this happens. I don't think she'd bring alcohol to my house when she comes for the birth (flying, not driving) but even so, the idea of leaving her overnight, or at night, or for several hours with my DD...I just don't know. I love my mom dearly. But that trust is not 100% for this reason. She has also in the past had nothing to eat and had a pot of coffee with a bunch of diet pills to the same effect as alcohol (most notable Thanksgiving Day 2008, a family affair...sigh.) She's GREAT with DD when we're there and she's sober. It's rare times when she is under some influence, but I just don't feel totally safe leaving, KWIM?

 

2. Leaving DD with...pretty much anyone. I know I will have to do it sometime. But I just can't see myself finding someone who I trust THAT MUCH to keep my DD for potentially a loooong time. (DD's total labor was 21 hours, although I pray it is shorter this time.) I feel like I want my DH to be nearby, at least to check in on her from time to time, i.e. DH and I driving down to Nashville to birth = headscratch.gif confused.gif huh.gif

 

 

 

Oh, and the thing about the Farm re: my comfort. I feel like I sound like a spoiled brat for saying that it might not be comfy enough for me. I do like the simplicity of the place, the peace, etc. But my own home...I have a king size bed. I have a bad/injured back from the Army, so I like my own mattress. My own kitchen, fridge, etc. I might be at the Farm for up to 2 weeks prior to the birth, and days to a week after. That seems like time that would be most comfortable spent at home. But the idea of transferring to Gateway Med Center scares me (I've heard bad things in my tribal area about it.) 

 

Or the good hospital in Nashville with the CNMs, at the very least, the stay there would be short, and then we go home quickly. But while I am there, the MWs and labor nurses are there to care for me and the LO. (And hopefully not bug us or be intrusive, and therein lies the rub with that.) 

 

SO HARD! 


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#10 of 22 Old 01-31-2011, 08:33 AM
 
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Have you considered having DH as your main support person for DD and doula for you?  This might work if you found a HB MW.   I know most of us want the father at the birth (or say we do) and in some cases they are an essential person in the process... but in others, not so much.  

 

It might seem weird to even consider this but is it essential for you guys that he is there the entire time and for the actual birth?

 

It sounds like you are not comfortable with your mother as the main person caring for your child and that would likely lead to you being anxious and nervous where ever you are and that does not lead to a good birth.

 

Another thought I had was a hotel or something near the hospital you are considering (only IF you decide you would feel ok with the hospital birth).... your mom or someone could stay with DD there but then DH could very easily run over there to check on her every couple hours as needed to help you feel better and ensure things are going ok.  He could also possible sleep there with DD if you sleeping in the hospital overnight.  My daughter LOVES staying in hotels and thinks it is the greatest thing ever.

 

Good luck with your decision!

 

 

 


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#11 of 22 Old 01-31-2011, 09:18 AM
 
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It sounds like for you, the perfect scenario would be a homebirth next door to Vanderbilt hospital.  Since that perfect birth option is unfortunately unavailable to you, then you have to pick the compromise that is least offensive to you.  If you opt for a homebirth, thoroughly interview your midwife and ask her what she would do in the situations you came across last time.  Make sure you pick someone that you are completely comfortable with and feel like you can trust, and talk through all your fears and concerns.  If you don't feel comfortable asking all those questions and don't trust that she will give you the kind of care you need, then she isn't the right midwife.  Also get a doula you trust, and then start working through your fears.  How bad is the local hospital?  Is it something you could live with in case of transfer?  If you have your doula and midwife transfer with you, can they mitigate some of the bad things about the hospital?  The other suggestion about getting a hotel room for your DD and mother next to Vanderbilt hospital sounds like a good option too if you could make that work, and are comfortable with a planned hospital birth.  I agree with the other posters that the Farm just doesn't sound right for you from what you've posted, and there's nothing wrong with that.

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#12 of 22 Old 01-31-2011, 07:49 PM
 
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Wow...that is a deeply personal choice to weigh in on.  For myself, I have always known I would choose a home birth - but I have seen a lot of births at home and hospital as a doula.  I also know that the farm is a wonderful choice and might be the very safest option available for someone so close to it.  A hospital birth with an experienced doula might be a good choice too - depending on your doctor and nurse.  Either way, you should talk to someone in ICAN or SOLACE to help you process your disapointment with the last situation.  Birth Blessings!!!


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#13 of 22 Old 02-01-2011, 11:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beccadoula View Post

Wow...that is a deeply personal choice to weigh in on.  For myself, I have always known I would choose a home birth - but I have seen a lot of births at home and hospital as a doula.  I also know that the farm is a wonderful choice and might be the very safest option available for someone so close to it.  A hospital birth with an experienced doula might be a good choice too - depending on your doctor and nurse.  Either way, you should talk to someone in ICAN or SOLACE to help you process your disapointment with the last situation.  Birth Blessings!!!



Yes, I know it is. I've reached a point where I'm not sure what I think anymore. I've been over the choices so many times and might be creating reasons which aren't really valid, KWIM? I don't have anyone I really trust who I can ask "What should I do?"...except here on MDC.  redface.gif

 

I asked the Vanderbilt MW about the nurses, and she said that basically once you give birth, it's a standard postpartum unit, i.e. the moms who used the MWs for a natural birth are co-located with the mainstream moms, in terms of the same postpartum experience, same nurses, etc. That concerns me a little, because I don't want the "threats" of sugar water bottles, etc. I don't want the fight, you know? I want to relax and enjoy, not battle and sleep with one eye open in case some nurse comes in with a bottle, or a vaccine, or other test, checkup, bath, etc, for my baby. 

 

 


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#14 of 22 Old 02-01-2011, 06:17 PM
 
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Maybe a home birth, water birth, with a good midwife and doula?  That would be my dream. 


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#15 of 22 Old 02-02-2011, 07:57 AM
 
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I would ask the MWs about your concerns with the postpartum care issues at the hospital, and if they have seen any of that actually happen.  In my limited experience a hospital with a good natural birth reputation also follows with good post-partum reputations.

 

I used MW in a hospital with my 1st and will again this time.  The nurses are the same set whether you are under MW or OB care - but think of it this way - all the nurses should have experience with moms who used MW care and may be more interested in avoiding many interventions and other things both during birth and PP.

 

We never had a single issue PP with anything BF related or offering any kind of bottle or nipple or pacifier.  We were always asked first and never had to fight.  They strongly encouraged BFing and I feel if I had not already been set on it would have tried to convince me to give it a try.   They have a lactation center on site and one of the lactation consultants makes rounds every day to help out the new moms and provide information and they are of course available at other times as well.  The nurses were helpful with latching and BFing as well.

 

Certainly many hospitals would not be like my experience but there is probably a good chance the experience would be fine.  Things like rooming in with baby and making sure you or DH is with the baby at all times ensure that your wishes are followed.

 

Sounds like you need a list of pros cons for you with each option.  Weighing and ranking the things that are most important to you and things that are more of a preference.  Then look and see which option has more of the pros related to things that are the most important to you and go from there.  Maybe trying to find a way to visit the hospital and the farm with a list of questions in hand and some of your concerns to discuss would help too?

 

There may not me one perfect or good choice, you may always wonder if you made the "right" choice.  The key here seems to be to make a choice you can live with and is the best you can make at this time of those choices that are available and then try to go from there with no regrets and a plan to make that choice the best it can be!

 

Good luck!


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#16 of 22 Old 02-02-2011, 08:20 AM
 
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I was in a similar situation as you-- traumatic homebirth, totally let down by MW.  It was my 4th unmedicated birth so I wasn't naive going into it.  I had PTSD afterward.  For my next birth I chose hospital with CNM, and an epidural.  The birth itself was a great experience but being in the hospital does suck.  The nurses were bitchy and I couldn't sleep on the maternity ward.  But the birth itself was lovely and relaxed.  My next birth I also had an epi but my MW office closed-- so I was with a female OB.  The nurses were a lot nicer at that hospital but I had sleeping issues again.  However that birth too was very relaxed and magical.  As far as your DD, can your H stay home with her and you hire a doula or bring a friend?  My husband was a terrible coach/ partner too and I felt more at ease not having him around.  So he stayed home to watch the kids.  And if your mom could be a difficult influence ask her to visit only after the birth-- would that be possible?  hth!

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#17 of 22 Old 02-20-2011, 08:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MegBoz View Post

 

As for the Vandy MWs, That is a disadvantage that you don't get to chose - BUT - I think in a hospital birth, the entire facility has a big impact too. What are the nurses like? What is PP care like? Do they have tubs to labor in? Do they allow water birth? These things don't change regardless of which MW you get in labor - AND, since they usually want you to meet with them all at prenatal apts, you can get them all to review & approve your birth plan, so there would be no question of debating issues like no IV fluids, intermittent monitoring, etc. etc.

 

My point being- if you think you might need a hospital, and these MWs are good, and the hospital itself is good, I wouldn't let it bother me too much that I can't pick which MW I get. (Although I'd definitely have a doula.) Not that I think the hospital is necessarily your best choice - it's a tough one. Best of luck to you.

 

 


I don't know what the nurses are like postpartum at Vandy, but through googling, I've read that the postpartum experience has been good/great for some. They have one, maybe two, tubs to labor in, but you are not allowed to birth IN the tub. Tubs are first come, first served. At my last appt, the MW said their first goal is healthy mom, healthy baby. Their second goal is helping me achieve a 100% NCB, if that's what I want.

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#18 of 22 Old 02-20-2011, 08:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by puddle View Post

If you opt for a homebirth, thoroughly interview your midwife and ask her what she would do in the situations you came across last time.  Make sure you pick someone that you are completely comfortable with and feel like you can trust, and talk through all your fears and concerns.  If you don't feel comfortable asking all those questions and don't trust that she will give you the kind of care you need, then she isn't the right midwife.


I interviewed another HB MW. She seemed very nice. The only thing that bugged me later was that she didn't say very much at all. Granted, in her defense, I did most of the talking. (Dh commented later on how much I was talking...how helpful and supportive, right? eyesroll.gif But he also mentioned that she didn't really expand on very much at all.) For example, I related my first birth story, and then asked her what kind of things she would've done differently. She answered something along the lines of "a lot of things." (paraphrasing because I don't recall exact words.) I asked her about what kind of support she gives, if she is totally hands off, or does she do some things that are kind of a doula's role? She answered "everything." It was a bit vague, to be honest. Maybe I should have pressed for more info. I don't know. confused.gif She seemed like a very nice person, don't get me wrong, and she did seem to understand me more than my first MW. I'm just not sure there was a total "click" happening.

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#19 of 22 Old 02-21-2011, 06:20 AM
 
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Big hugs!

 

I had a home birth planned with my third and, after a lot of reflection, soul searching, and frustratingly one sided conversations with the midwife I switched to a hospital midwife practice around 25 weeks.  It was a VERY hard decision, but once I made it and focused on moving forward with my choice my sleep got a lot better.  LOL

 

In my case the vbac supportive hospital I selected was about 45 minutes away.  I had two children (4yo and 2yo at the time) and that was a big concern.  What we did was rent a hotel room near the hospital (about 10 minutes away)... the plan was to go to the hotel as soon as labor began and meet my doula and my MIL there.  I'd labor there for a while then go to the hospital with dh while MIL stayed with the girls (who loved the idea of being with Gramma at a hotel with TV and a swimming pool).  We did have one unplanned family weekend vacation when I had a "false alarm" but overall it worked really well... it was nice having the kiddos just a few minutes away since dh could go back and forth between the hotel and the hospital easily and they enjoyed their adventure too.  BUT you do need that adult care person for the kiddos... I agree that if you have reservations about your mom's ability to "parent" without supervision, perhaps ask around for a doula who would be willing to act as your child's doula instead of as yours?  I know a few doulas and CE who offer "sibling care services" and you may be able to find someone similar.  Or perhaps start asking at ICAN, LLL, NINO, MOPS, or MDC Tribal Area for someone you could get to know before the birth who would stay with your little one?

 

I don't have any great ideas but I did want to offer a hug... I know how stressful it is to be bouncing back and forth between options.  My first birth was an unplanned c/s, then my second was a vbac with significant birth trauma due to complications at literally the last minute (shoulder dystocia that didn't resolve with the gaskin manuever leading to 4th degree tear/pph for me and resus for dd2), and I was SO certain that a homebirth was "what I should do" for birth number three.  But I eventually realized that if I wasn't totally confident in the ability of my midwife to address the specific complications I was worried about, and if I couldn't even get a serious conversation going about those complications and "what ifs", then that midwife in that birth wasn't the right fit for me.  I didn't "want" a hospital birth and it certainly brought with it considerations about child care and "getting there" during labor but in the end it was the right decision for me.  I have a wonderful low intervention hospital vbac using the birthing tub with just DH, my doula, a nurse, and the midwife present (slightly sticky shoulders but no dystocia and just a tiny 2nd degree tear along the old scar line).  I had a great pp stay with full rooming in (this hospital re-did it's pp ward and was very "spa" like in look/feel).  And the older kiddos had fun too.  Do I regret not having a homebirth?  Yes, a bit.  But I made the right choice for me and in the end that's the most important thing.

 

I hope you find your balance and have a wonderful birth no matter where it happens!


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#20 of 22 Old 02-21-2011, 11:59 AM
 
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I interviewed another HB MW. She seemed very nice. The only thing that bugged me later was that she didn't say very much at all. Granted, in her defense, I did most of the talking. (Dh commented later on how much I was talking...how helpful and supportive, right? eyesroll.gif But he also mentioned that she didn't really expand on very much at all.)



I would just like to say that some midwives tend to hold back a little at the first visit - they let you do the talking so they can figure out who you are and what you are all about. At least, this is what a couple of DEM friends of mine have said.

Beauchamp, this is a big, hard decision, but just try to remember that no matter where you birth and no matter what happens during that time, be kind to yourself. It sounds like that the stress from last time and the stress of this decision are working so hard at keeping you from relaxing and learning how to accept, move on, and enjoy this time. I personally would say to try to birth at home, but only if you put some real time and effort into healing your past and being open-hearted. Life is so very imperfect - I have also had a VERY traumatic pregnancy and birth and know how overwhelming and scary it can be to go through that again. Thankfully, I had a healing and life changing experience with my next birth and YOU CAN TOO!! Really - you just need to put the work into healing, building confidence, and looking forward to the beauty that is to come.

Good luck with this decision hug.gif

Oh, and just to add, one of the main reasons I wanted to birth at home was because I did not want to be away from my DS during that time. I wanted his little 2 year old eyes to see how normal it is for mama to to have a baby - not some big medical to-do. Now, he is 3 1/2, I am 22 weeks with my 3rd, and he keeps asking me when does the pool go up in the dining room, lol! I think not wanting to be away from your DD is a very valid and important point.

hh2.gif Proud Mama to DS1 09/07 ribboncesarean.gif, DD 07/09 hbac.gif, and DS2 06/11 uc.jpg.  Feeling more and more blessed with each day!

 

 
 
 
  

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#21 of 22 Old 02-22-2011, 11:39 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by tracymom1 View Post

I interviewed another HB MW. She seemed very nice. The only thing that bugged me later was that she didn't say very much at all. Granted, in her defense, I did most of the talking. (Dh commented later on how much I was talking...how helpful and supportive, right? eyesroll.gif But he also mentioned that she didn't really expand on very much at all.)



I would just like to say that some midwives tend to hold back a little at the first visit - they let you do the talking so they can figure out who you are and what you are all about. At least, this is what a couple of DEM friends of mine have said.

... I personally would say to try to birth at home, but only if you put some real time and effort into healing your past and being open-hearted. Life is so very imperfect... .

Well, the HB MW I interviewed sent me a fairly long email about what she feels went wrong with my first birth. I feel much better now that she wrote me a bit and said a bit more. My DH still says the vibe is not ideal, though, making him uncomfortable about HB at this point.

So, I wrote out some random thoughts. I feel like I need to figure out what is important to me for this birth. I have a huge list, but I am going to narrow it down to: drug free, in my home environment/comfy, knowledgeable support, easy care for DD, safe in case of true emergency, little to no other interventions. Some other things are more minor: potential for water birth, potential for labor in water, postpartum experience, and travel considerations. Of course, none of my three options are perfect!

Vanderbilt hospital with CNM team.
drug free-- certainly possible.
in my home environment/comfy-- no. But maybe a tour would make me feel better. If the hospital is nicer than the horrid downtown hospital where I delivered DD-- seems hard to believe it could be worse.
knowledgeable support-- yes. If I bring my own doula who I know and who will stay with me.
easy care for DD-- yes or no. Yes if we can feel good about a hotel setup just in case I go into labor at a weird time. Or decide something about leaving DD home with Grammy if I go into labor in the middle of the night, etc, and DH would have to be okay about going back for them, or something, once the baby is born. Obviously, I am with the doula.
safe in case of true emergency-- hands down yes.
little to no other interventions-- possibly. I would feel better grilling them with some more specific questions at our next appt.

the minor stuff
potential for water birth-- No.
potential for labor in water-- yes, if tub is available, first come, first served
postpartum experience-- not as good as home, but hopefully okay. Need to bring a birth plan/postpartum care plan.
travel considerations-- some, with Grammy & DD, and driving home, obviously. Driving in labor...hmm.


Home.
drug free-- yes
in my home environment/comfy-- Yes. Crawl into our own bed. Food in our own fridge. Nice.
knowledgeable support-- Need a doula. Only one HB MW available, and the "click" was not 100%. Not sure how important this is.
easy care for DD-- Grammy down the hall. Yes. DH can check on her whenever and be back to me quickly.
safe in case of true emergency-- Local hospital minutes away. Not a good rep for NCB at all, but probably okay for something life threatening.
little to no other interventions-- Yes. We call all the shots at home.
the minor stuff
potential for water birth-- Yes.
potential for labor in water-- yes.
postpartum experience-- easiest in our own home.
travel considerations-- none. unless transferring for emergency.

The Farm.
drug free-- yes.
in my home environment/comfy-- No. Cabin is private, yes, and not a hospital. But rustic (is birth when I really want to be camping?) and cramped, not as comfy as home, or possibly a well equipped hospital.
knowledgeable support-- 1,000+ births...hello!
easy care for DD-- sort of. Grammy and DH on site. So small though. Weather? Darkness? No other room.
safe in case of true emergency-- The transfer hospital down there is much farther from the Farm than the local hospital is from our house. Farm MWs have back up there, though.
little to no other interventions-- Yes. We call all the shots at the Farm.
the minor stuff
potential for water birth-- Yes, in a small standard tub or we bring an inflatable.
potential for labor in water-- yes.
postpartum experience-- camping? too rustic? Would I be dying to get home but not want to drive 2 1/2 hours while bleeding, breastfeeding, in pain from birth, etc?
travel considerations-- Long drive to get me and DD there ahead of time. Grammy flying/driving in. DH leaving work to drive 2 1/2 hours down. Long drive home postpartum.


Thoughts? Does one option stand out?

Mama to Fenergy.gif(06/11/09) and baby boy C baby.gif (06/09/11) 

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#22 of 22 Old 02-22-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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Home still stands out to me as your best option.  Maybe you can give the midwife a call and tell her exactly what you told us - that you are feeling a little wonky about your first meeting.  I would think she might be willing to have another consultation to discuss your past experience in more detail.  Maybe that would give you a better idea of how you feel about her.  And, just to mention, not everyone has the warm fuzzies about their midwife.  The very most important thing to keep in mind when deciding is your confidence factor - how confident are you in YOURSELF and how confident are you in your midwife's ability to handle your birth on your terms?  Will she respect your wishes?  Oh - maybe you could ask her for the names of a couple of women that she has birthed with in the past for references.  My last midwife did this for me and it helped soooooo much to talk to a few other mamas about their experiences with her.

 

It is a hard decision, but one that does have an answer.  I struggled as well with my choices for birthing this time around, too.  Deciding I was ready for a UC was a very strange thing for me because I never knew it was what I wanted until - literally - I woke up one day and said, 'I can do this on my own.  I am going to do this on my own'.  You will find your path, mama!  I promise!


hh2.gif Proud Mama to DS1 09/07 ribboncesarean.gif, DD 07/09 hbac.gif, and DS2 06/11 uc.jpg.  Feeling more and more blessed with each day!

 

 
 
 
  

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