Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile" - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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Birth and Beyond > Ever feel guilty for being so "fertile"
Piglet68's Avatar Piglet68 06:55 PM 04-01-2004
In response to the OP...I don't feel guilty. Just extremely blessed. having left kids 'till later in life, I didn't take it for granted that I would get PG so easily. I am thankful for that each day. my heart goes out to my infertile sisters.....

KKmama's Avatar KKmama 07:13 PM 04-01-2004
I agree with whoever said she felt "awkward" about being so fertile... And no, I don't talk about it, either. It really doesn't seem fair that people who really want to have babies, who would be great parents can have difficulties conceiving. I don't know that I would handle it so well myself if I were there... I had a glimpse of it when I thought I might lose *one* ovary. I don't know if this is how people with fertility issues feel, but I was feeling really betrayed by my body.
adinal's Avatar adinal 08:03 PM 04-01-2004
Betrayed is a really good word for how it feels. LIke you can't trust something that you have been able to trust your whole life, and now suddenly it doesn't work right.
ekblad9's Avatar ekblad9 01:26 AM 04-02-2004
I don't really feel guilty, I guess. A little bit like "why should I be so lucky". I try to appreciate what I have.
gonnabeamom's Avatar gonnabeamom 03:15 AM 04-02-2004
This is real weird for me because I feel like I've been on both sides of this.

I've been very quiet about it, but I've had 2 unplanned pregancies 3 or 4 years ago. The first I found out about when I m/c (which I talk about) and the second came three months later and we decided no to have the baby(which I generally don't). The OB I was seeing at the time was doing a lot of infertility work, and even said to me when I came in with the second pregnancy "Oh you fertile woman you" For the record I was on birth control at the time. My sister doesn't ovulate, and has known this since her early 20s-she's facing heavy duty if treatments. I knew at the time several friends who had lost children late in pregnancy or at birth. I didn't exactly feel guilty but I did feel frustrated- I wanted so much to be able to give away my pregnancy- not to have the baby and give it up, I wasn't strong enough, but to give away the pregnancy.

Imagine my shock a few years later when after resolving some health problems I didn't get pregnant right away or after 6 months, or after a year, or after having everything checked out, and charting and timing sex carefully, and putting those hips up, and taking fertility teas, and etc. I felt let down and confused and guilty, and angry.

During the period when we were trying a close friend got pregnant, with her a$$hole boyfriend, and was incredibly devastated. She had believed she would never have an abortion, but was clearly unready to have a child on her own, and the boyfriend was never going to be any help. I told her I'd be their either way, and went with her to get her tests, etc done. So In the middle of my own infertility I got the best reminder in the world that fertility when you don't want it is no more blessing than not being able to have a child when you don't want to.

So it's sad to me that we can't somehow reallocate all this, and it's sadder still to see how easily women on either end of the fertility spectrum get stereotyped or vilified.
adinal's Avatar adinal 04:25 AM 04-02-2004
brilliant point gonnabe.
copslass's Avatar copslass 03:31 PM 04-02-2004
Oh my, yes.

My oldest was a senior in high school, the youngest of my four was 11 when this last dc was conceived.

His conception was not even a full accident, only half of an accident! :LOL To be honest, I was pretty horrified.

We announced his presence at a family party, and later my cousin told me that she's been undergoing fertility treatments and that the night before my announcement, they'd discovered the IVF had failed. She shared the hurt she felt hearing my news the very next day. We cried together.

Thanks for providing a place to share this.
hnybee's Avatar hnybee 04:40 PM 04-03-2004
I guess it's just finding a balance between compassion and acceptance (of my own fertility)

I'm working on it.
Greaseball's Avatar Greaseball 05:18 PM 04-03-2004
Yeah, stress is all it is about. Cause if I relaxed I would get pregnant. Guess what? I WAS RELAXED FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF TRYING. And I still didn't get pregnant.
The sad thing is, if you explained this to some people, they will just claim that "really, you were stressed and just in denial." As if they know your body and your thoughts in a way that you don't.

Anyway...we are friends with a couple who have been trying to have a baby for over a year, and have had 3 miscarriages in a row. Another friend of ours has a child with a fatal genetic disease; he is not expected to live much past his teens and if she has another child and it's a boy, there is a 50% chance he will have the disease too. So sometimes it is awkward to be around them with our healthy child who was conceived accidentally, and another one on the way who was conceived on the day we decided to start trying. Both of them used to watch dd for us and both have said they can't do it anymore.

So I can relate with the "not guilty, but awkward." And I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing and offend someone. I gave one of them a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves after the 2nd m/c so they could read the section on loss, but then I wonder if that offended them because they are christians, and the book has a lot of stuff about abortion and lesbian issues. I suggested to my other friend that she could use some kind of gender-selection technique if she wanted to have another child. I hope that wasn't insensitive.
hnybee's Avatar hnybee 05:04 AM 04-06-2004
Do any of you think it has anything to do with birth control? Or is that a stupid question?
DreamsInDigital's Avatar DreamsInDigital 06:55 AM 04-06-2004
I feel guilty, awkward, embarrassed, helpless...so many things. Especially when I talk to wonderful, deserving people like Adina and I wish so much that I could take some of my fertility away and give it to her. She is really a deserving person and even if it meant I would have a harder time conceiving next time, I would gladly give her some of my fertility, if only she could have a baby. I feel incredibly guilty hearing about people's struggles to get pregnant when I have conceived by accident not once but 3 times. I wish there was something I could do to help but I feel like such an ass when all I say is "I'm sorry." and "Good luck." I bet it sounds really dumb too but I just don't want to say nothing, you know?
Maybe one of these days I'll be a surrogate for someone who can't have a baby themselves and that will help to alleviate some of the guilt.
snugglebutter's Avatar snugglebutter 11:37 AM 04-06-2004
Melissa - can you expand on your birth control question? I'm not exactly sure what you are referring to.

I wish there was something I could do to help but I feel like such an ass when all I say is "I'm sorry." and "Good luck." I bet it sounds really dumb too but I just don't want to say nothing, you know?
PLEASE - don't feel bad! We TTC for 1.5 years and I wouldn't wish that emotional nightmare on anyone. I have always told people that the best way to help someone dealing with infertility is to say something like I'm so sorry, I'll keep you in my prayers/thoughts, I'm here if you ever want to talk/vent/cry, or I hope things work out for you soon. Keeping it simple and avoiding conception advice (and the most dreaded topic of stress and "just stop trying and then it will happen" ) lets the person know you are sincere without risking offense.

EDD 10-02-04
eilonwy's Avatar eilonwy 12:22 PM 04-06-2004
i do feel guilty sometimes. especially when I look at my little man, or feel NewBean kicking me. it bothers me that life isn't fair, it always has. i've seriously considered egg donation, and if pregnancy #3 goes as smoothly as this one is going, i'll probably think about surrogacy (though I'm not sure i could go through with that). most of the time, i don't feel guilty, just blessed that we have an easy time and sad for people who don't.

my husband is a juvenile diabetic in his mid-30's; lots of men (most, even) who've been diabetic for as long as he has and who have such shoddy control as he does have low sperm counts and/or low sperm motility. we seriously worried (before we ever tried) that he might not be fertile and even spoke to a friend about using his donated sperm to have a baby someday. it never came up; i inherited my mother's ovaries, and she was a 'someone across the street is thinking about sex and i'm pregnant' type.

if there was something i could do to help, i certainly would. right now, all i have is my good wishes.
DreamsInDigital's Avatar DreamsInDigital 12:27 PM 04-06-2004
Thanks snugglebutter. It helps to know I'm not talkng out my when I apologize for someone else's pain. I guess it's just looking at my babies and feeling so blessed to have them, I feel guilty and sad for people who don't. I'm glad your TTC journey has brought you a

hnybee's Avatar hnybee 01:51 PM 04-06-2004
I've heard that being on birthcontrol for o long time (years) can affect your fertility. My sister has been on it for a long time (over 10 years) and i really want some cold, hard facts to give her about why she should stop.
Irishmommy's Avatar Irishmommy 02:04 PM 04-06-2004
I feel more guilty for deciding no more kids and being happy that dh had a vas than I do for getting pregnant twice.
snugglebutter's Avatar snugglebutter 02:11 PM 04-06-2004
The use of hormonal contraceptives can have a negative impact on fertility, but like everything else fertility/infertility related it is a very individual thing.

EDD 10-02-04
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