when is the right time to have another? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 07-09-2011, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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what are your opinions ladies is it easier to have your kids closer in ager or have a gap? i have 2 one turned 3 in april the other will be 2 in october, and i want to try for a third one.... but id like to know from your experiences if you wish you would of done it sooner or waited and why... thanks for your time


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#2 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 12:37 PM
 
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I am pregnant with my third.  People think I'm crazy.  Our first will turn 3 one month before the third is born and the 2nd will be 22 months old.  :)  I like having my first 2 close together (both boys).  This one will be 22 months away from the 2nd which seems like a big gap for me!  :)  I'm excited to have them all close together so they can be good friends. 

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#3 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 12:44 PM
 
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I wonder about this too... I'm planning on ttc after my ds is at least 9 months, so I can try for a VBAC. I feel like children are more likely to be friends if they're closer in age.


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#4 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 12:45 PM
 
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I personally love having mine close in age. #1 and #2 are 20 months apart, #2 and #3 are 29 months apart (only because #2 was a difficult baby and I needed a bit more of a break! lol), and #3 and the twins are 26 months apart. We are thinking of trying for #6 around the time the twins are 2, and then #7 (and probably last) hopefully close in age to #6. My boys all get along so well and I think a lot of that has to do with how close in age they are.


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#5 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 07:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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good luck with the vbac! i tried so hard to have one and failed :( its hard experience but defently much better for both you and the baby.


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#6 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow you have your work cut out for you. is it pretty easy having that many or just that much harder. and may i ask if you are a stay at home mom? and if so how does that work with you physically and mentally lol sorry im full of questions latley. good luck on the next two hope all works out well for you!
 

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I personally love having mine close in age. #1 and #2 are 20 months apart, #2 and #3 are 29 months apart (only because #2 was a difficult baby and I needed a bit more of a break! lol), and #3 and the twins are 26 months apart. We are thinking of trying for #6 around the time the twins are 2, and then #7 (and probably last) hopefully close in age to #6. My boys all get along so well and I think a lot of that has to do with how close in age they are.



 


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#7 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 08:28 PM
 
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I personally love having mine close in age. #1 and #2 are 20 months apart, #2 and #3 are 29 months apart (only because #2 was a difficult baby and I needed a bit more of a break! lol),

This, except my first two are just shy of 18m apart, and #2 and #3 are 32mo apart because I needed more of a break, and TTC took a few months. (We started trying for a 28mo spacing).  32mo seems like a huge space to me.  If we go for #4, we'd like them to be just about 2 years apart.

 


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#8 of 25 Old 07-11-2011, 08:42 PM
 
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My two boys are 17 months apart and it was REALLY hard for me. DS2 was a really hard baby. I am hoping to have #3 when DS2 is around 3. I want to start trying around his 2nd birthday. Good Luck! Either way it all works out smile.gif

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#9 of 25 Old 07-12-2011, 06:35 AM
 
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wow you have your work cut out for you. is it pretty easy having that many or just that much harder. and may i ask if you are a stay at home mom? and if so how does that work with you physically and mentally lol sorry im full of questions latley. good luck on the next two hope all works out well for you!
 



I am a stay-at-home mom, and part-time student. I did childcare in my home before the twins were born too, but I'm done with that now. I think after 3 kids any more doesn't make as much difference lol, you are already used to being outnumbered! Physically I'm totally exhausted right now since the babies still wake up to nurse a few times a night. I don't function well on little sleep lol. Once they get around a year old I know that will get better. Mentally I'm great most days, I love my kids and adore my little babies, though of course I have days where I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and get a break haha. Luckily my DH is very helpful with the kids and house when he is home and understanding about me being so tired at this point.


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#10 of 25 Old 07-12-2011, 08:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for your honesty! i know what you mean on sometimes wanting to lock your self in the bathroom for sure! lol but i love my kids and wouldnt change it for the world! im starting to think that im just over working my self with the negitives that could be there instead of the positives.... cuz i have an awesome husband he does a lot. im a sahm and a full time student so theres a lot he has to do on the days that i do have school, and he usually gets up with the boys for me in the morning and let me sleep in cuz he knows that sahm can be just as exausting as working! lol but i know my work was cut out for me with having my 2 almost to the day 18 months apart. but maybe a lil bit of a bigger gap would work better, my youngest will be 2 in october and thats when were thinking of trying. i figure maybe a summer baby will be our girl lol  well thanks for you info and help everyone!
 

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I am a stay-at-home mom, and part-time student. I did childcare in my home before the twins were born too, but I'm done with that now. I think after 3 kids any more doesn't make as much difference lol, you are already used to being outnumbered! Physically I'm totally exhausted right now since the babies still wake up to nurse a few times a night. I don't function well on little sleep lol. Once they get around a year old I know that will get better. Mentally I'm great most days, I love my kids and adore my little babies, though of course I have days where I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and get a break haha. Luckily my DH is very helpful with the kids and house when he is home and understanding about me being so tired at this point.



 


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#11 of 25 Old 07-13-2011, 06:37 PM
 
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I don't know...mine are 27mo apart and I think that's the MINIMUM age gap I could handle. It was actually relatively easy, the first year, and now I'm glad they're as close in age as they are, but when I hear or think about people with 2 under 2...I shudder. The difference between ds (my eldest) at 2 and at 27mo was HUGE. dd is 3 and a bit now and I'm only now starting to think about #3. I wouldn't rush it, personally.


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#12 of 25 Old 07-13-2011, 07:16 PM
 
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Mine are 3y 4mo apart, and it's good.   If I hadn't miscarried, they would ahve been almost exactly 3y apart, and that would still have been okay.   Much less, and I think (having now gone through the having of two) that it wouldnt' have worked as well.   If we'd had another, I would have aimed for approximately the same spacing, or even a bit more.

 

I live in a place where it can snow 7 months of the year, where winter coats and warm snugglies are necessary, and it would ahve been very difficult dealing with a newborn in that with a toddler who still needed to be carried down steps and hoisted over snowbanks and boosted into carseats.   It would have been hard to deal with two who were that needy for basic self-care at the same time.    

 

With the amount of time I was out alone with the two of them, having #1 in a place where he didn't need or expect to be carried or slung all the time was also very important.    When we hiked, we did it as a family and DH took #1 in the backpack while I slung #2, but I couldn't do both at once (#2 was born at 10 pounds and doubled that before 6mos).  

 

Also, I know that I, personally, could not have dealt with tandem nursing, so I needed to have weaned #1 before getting pregnant.    

 

In general, my thoughts go along this line:   I like that each of my babies got to be the baby for their full babyhood, and I think that was the best for us for a lot of reasons.


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#13 of 25 Old 07-14-2011, 05:59 PM
 
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My thoughts are similar to savithny's. DD was 3 years, 3 months when DS was born, and I felt during the entire pregnancy and birth that she was only just old enough. During my pregnancy she toilet-trained, transitioned to sleeping in her own bed, grew up a LOT, and finally weaned (with a bit of nudging, but nothing traumatic) a few months before DS was born. It was touch and go whether she'd learn to sleep without us before the new baby arrived, but she had a successful night with Gran sleeping over, while DH and I went out for a night away, when I was about 33 weeks pregnant. Quite a relief, as I wanted DH to stay with me at the birthing centre, and siblings weren't allowed to stay!

 

Personally I'd MUCH rather not deal with tandem nursing, two in nappies, two cosleeping, and so on. Other people seem to manage it just fine though, so! Another thing to consider: most women lose their milk during pregnancy. I think it's 70%? So if your LO is so young that weaning or even a marked dip in supply would be disastrous, it might be worth waiting. I waited until DD was 2.5 to get pregnant partly for that reason - that way if I had to wean because nursing while pregnant was too painful to deal with, or if my milk dried up, she wouldn't suffer calorie-wise and she'd hopefully be old enough to cope with it. She did end up nursing throughout most of my pregnancy, with minimal milk and some pain, but it could have been a lot worse! And I must admit, I'm really glad not to be tandem-nursing. I'm all for it in theory, but I'm glad not to be doing it...

 

Your health is another thing to consider - with two pregnancies that close together, it's very likely your body's a bit depleted. It might be worth concentrating on some serious calcium, iron or whatever else your body needs, before you raid it again to make another baby. And getting a few months of really good nutrition in before the don't-want-to-eat-anything first trimester kicks in is a really good idea too...


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#14 of 25 Old 07-15-2011, 04:06 PM
 
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First, I think there is no "right" answer. Different things work better for different families. All kids are different, etc.

 

For me, my first two are 3.5 years apart. If we would have concieved right away they would have been 3 years apart. It was great for me. DD was a very mature 3 year old, potty trained right at 2 and was very independent. Honestly, this was great for me.

 

Number 3 came a little sooner than we planned, and was due exactly 24 years after #2. They are 1 year and 363 days apart. There are some great things about having them 2 years apart (both boys). They play great now, share a room. Clothes get passed down right from one to the other (mostly). It was much harder on me for a while. 2 in diapers for 6 months (both still at night), some rough times with 2 yr old tantrums. #3 wasn't a "good" sleeper unless he was with me for 1.5 years, so it was really hard if #2 was sick or happened to wake up at night. DH pretty much had to take car of him or I'd have two screaming. I was also homeschooling #1, so I'm sure that added some extra work in there too. Would I change it? Probably not. I love them and we've figured it out.

 

Number 3 and 4 will be 33 months apart and #4 was a huge unplanned surprise. We are excited, but were quite shocked. I can already say it's going to be a lot better than 24 months. #3 is almost potty trained, understands so much more that #2 did when I was pregnant.

 

So, I guess for me around 3-3.5 years is great. I know other people who just love having all their kids 2-2.5 year apart and plan it that way. More power to them. They must have more energy than I do!


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#15 of 25 Old 07-15-2011, 05:05 PM
 
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My boys are 3 years and 5 days apart and I wouldn't want them any closer. DS1 was potty trained for over a year before DS2 was born and that was so nice to have that break from changing diapers. He also was sleeping in his own bed most of the time. He wasn't (and still isn't) weaned, but he is down to nursing just at bedtime so that's not too hard to deal with. I'm not sure if we're going to have another one, but if we do, I'd rather not get pregnant until DS2 is 2 at least.

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#16 of 25 Old 07-15-2011, 05:56 PM
 
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mine are just over four years apart.  i used to think a three year age gap was perfect and mine would have been three years apart, had i not miscarried.  turns out i'm really happy with them being four years apart.  i think dd was able to understand what was going on so much better than she would have had she been much younger.  i also love that dd got four years of dh and i all to herself (something special that she'll always have).  ds won't have that same experience, but his will be different and uniquely his (and just as special for different reasons).  

 

it may be true that siblings closer in age play better together or "more likely to be friends", but they're siblings -- that will always bind them and hopefully they'll always be close.  of my three siblings, the smallest age gap between myself and them is five years and i'm close to all of them. 


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#17 of 25 Old 07-20-2011, 11:41 AM
 
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I think each has it's advantages. My kids are 5 years apart. Given that I was on hospital bed rest for my second & then had a preemie in the NICU, it was perfect having them that far apart. Finding something they both like at 5 & 10 can be challenging now though. The crazy part is that DH & I are thinking of a 3rd, & that would be a gap of about 6 years btw 2 & 3, & 11 years btw 1 & 3. All logic tells us not to. I really should work full time, we'd need a bigger vehicle, maybe a bigger place to live, & we have debt up to our a##.

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#18 of 25 Old 07-20-2011, 10:43 PM
 
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We are struggling with this too.  Mine are exactly 2 years apart (6 days to spare!).  That was hard--they both have gut issues so I didn't sleep more than 2 straight hours in for almost 4 years.  DD just turned 2 and DS is 4 and part of me is itching for a 3rd.  I'm thinking maybe this fall.  We'll see if I can get DH on board!

 

I like the 2 year gap since they play well together and I guess I worry that with a 3 or 4 year gap, we'll lose that.


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#19 of 25 Old 07-21-2011, 12:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i agree i like the closer gap, mine get a long so well and interact together and are real close, which i feel would be lost with a bigger gap.


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#20 of 25 Old 07-21-2011, 05:38 PM
 
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it may be true that siblings closer in age play better together or "more likely to be friends", but they're siblings -- that will always bind them and hopefully they'll always be close.  of my three siblings, the smallest age gap between myself and them is five years and i'm close to all of them.

Yeah... I originally planned to have kids very close so they'd be friends, but now I'm not so convinced it matters. I have five sisters, with varying age gaps, and I've been close and less close to all of them at various points. The sister closest in age to me (1.5 years older) often got along better with the sister 1.5 years older than her, and they'd gang up on me, so we weren't exactly bosom buddies during childhood. We started getting along really well as teenagers, and we still do, but for a while I was best friends with the sister 3 years older than me, and not the one closest in age. And currently the sister I'm closest to is 9 years younger than me, but our personalities mesh well. So - no guarantees, you know?

 

That said, I was kind of hoping DS was a girl. :p He's 3-and-a-bit years younger than DD, and we're not planning to have another baby for nearly four years.... so if that baby's a girl, she'll be 7 years younger than DD. That is a big gap, and while it would eventually be insignificant (when they were in their twenties), I imagine there wouldn't be that much commonality of mind when they were younger. So there's that. But then, the bext baby might be a boy... or we might not be able to conceive again... or I could get pregnant by accident next week. You never know! I do hope DD gets to have a sister, though; my relationships with my sisters are important to me, and it seems a shame if she missed out on that. But then, I never had a brother and I'm OK with that! So I guess I shouldn't project my own childhood experiences onto her... I guess it'll be fine whatever happens!


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#21 of 25 Old 07-21-2011, 10:51 PM
 
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That said, I was kind of hoping DS was a girl. :p He's 3-and-a-bit years younger than DD, and we're not planning to have another baby for nearly four years.... so if that baby's a girl, she'll be 7 years younger than DD. That is a big gap, and while it would eventually be insignificant (when they were in their twenties), I imagine there wouldn't be that much commonality of mind when they were younger. So there's that. But then, the bext baby might be a boy... or we might not be able to conceive again... or I could get pregnant by accident next week. You never know! I do hope DD gets to have a sister, though; my relationships with my sisters are important to me, and it seems a shame if she missed out on that. But then, I never had a brother and I'm OK with that! So I guess I shouldn't project my own childhood experiences onto her... I guess it'll be fine whatever happens!

 

after having a daughter first, i kind of hoped my second would be a girl (i'm very close to my older sister and thought it would be nice for dd to have a sister as well).  after a miscarriage, however, i realized that all i really wanted was a healthy baby.  my second was a boy (and i'm absolutely tickled to have a son).  if we have another it would probably be in the next 2-3 years.  dd will be 6 or 7, ds 2 or 3.  like you said, whatever happens will be fine.
 

 


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#22 of 25 Old 07-23-2011, 04:40 PM
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we originally considered 3 yrs apart (before DS was born), and once DS was born, I considered: no more children or waiting until he's 3/4 before talking about it again.

 

i also considered that it wouldn't be possible for our family -- for lots of not so real, made up reasons -- the largest being my fear of not being able to adequately take care of everything and everyone. 

 

at this point, we are happy with just the three of us, and we are considering revisiting the question in a year or two. DS is currently just about 3, and it looks like there won't be any babies over the next year. So, it's likely we will have an only.

 

This is really a personal, family decision based on how an individual family "works." I think we can "work" with more children, of course, but i am also happy to stay where we are. :)

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#23 of 25 Old 07-24-2011, 06:48 AM
 
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Well I guess I'll chime in for the larger gap.
Mine are 9.5yrs apart.
Dd1 came right after we graduated from college. Times were rough. Dd 1 was a hard infant and dh worked a lot. By the time I could mentally handle another one, around age 4, life was so hectic, moving and school, that we didn't try to hard for another. Oce life calmed down, I found I had a hard time conceiving, surprised considering dd1! And then also had a hard time staying pg, with no reason , dr just said bad luck.

I had 4m of bedrest with dd2. Life was rough but dd1 was great through it all. Now the girls are great together. I think the gap is keeping dd1 young. Not to mention how preteens love babies. So while not what we planned, it is going great. Dd1 can even babysit for dd2.

I came from a large family where there was an 12 yr span between the oldest and youngest. I was never close to my closest sibling (20m). A boy that had a very different personality. And was very close to my 9 yr older brother and 3 yr younger sister

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#24 of 25 Old 10-29-2011, 09:02 PM
 
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I'm so so so so wanting another right now. This is around the same time we became pregnant with DS2. DS1 and DS2 are 16 month 10 days apart. At first I was horrified (not really but unsure if we did the right thing, worried it'd be to hard ect...)

 

I love it! For my family at least, for my DS1 having DS2 was the perfect timing, BUT from 18 months until 23 months having a new born would have been really hard. I would rather have 16-17months apart or 2-2 1/2years apart.

 

Some things for me though, my personality is suited towards chaos I thrive in it. I'm trying to get Dh on board with trying for our 3rd now instead of in a year. He said, "If you woke up tomorrow and we had ten kids you'd be fine" which is true (not every minute but mostly) He wants to adjust a bit slower (which is reasonably upsidedown.gif)

 

I also kept my milk through out my pregnancy and love tandem breastfeeding.

 

And I babywear a LOT which makes things much easier.

 

Other people I know are done after one or need 5 year gaps. I think its very personal and tied to personality and parenting style. Plus at the end of the day you don't 'really' have full control anyway.

 

Oh and we want 5-6 kids..maybe 7. run.gif


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#25 of 25 Old 11-07-2011, 06:42 PM
 
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My 2 are 22 months apart, currently 25 months and 3 months old. I'm not gonna lie--I am incredibly overwhelmed and tandem nursing is kicking my butt! Being pregnant while having a toddler was hard at times, when my body really needed sleep and rest but that just wasn't an option. Now I am touched-out all the time, exhausted and feel trapped in my life.

It sounds pretty bad when I put it that way huh? I'm not saying it's not also fun and wonderful and exciting--it is, but it is intense right now! I miss my husband. I miss having friends and doing things just for myself. I imagine it would be a lot easier if we had family nearby (we have none.)

All that said, I still would probably choose to do it about the same way--maybe I would have aimed to have them 2.5 years apart rather than under 2, so that #1 could be more potty independent, more weaned, more independent in general. But I wouldn't want to have them more than 2-3 years apart. I'd like to get all the childbearing and breastfeeding done all at once then move on to the next phase rather than moving on with one then having to start the baby phase all over again with the next. (We're not planning any more kids.)

I just keep picturing how awesome it will be when they're older and play together every day! love.gif
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