Irritated with DH - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-09-2011, 07:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was telling him how I'm worried about this birth, and how it will play out, and if it will go the way I want.

His reply was "As long as everyone is healthy when it's done, I would call it a success. You can't control something you have no control of".

So, I'm a bit irritated to say the least. He's never been supportive of anything related to babies & birth. He's of the mindset that doctors know best, and to not question them. Obviously I don't feel the same way!

Luckily I'm having a doula there too, who understands my wishes & who will actually be there to support me.

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Old 09-09-2011, 02:06 PM
 
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I so sorry you feel unsupported :(  BUT...this could just be your DH's way of saying--very roundabout-ly--that he is nervous too and worried about you and the babies. Maybe if you try to reframe his words, it will help you feel a bit better about them?


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Old 09-09-2011, 03:51 PM
 
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It is very possible that your husband thinks that he is saying something supportive. There are many ways to interpret those words, and his intention may be to support you the best way he knows how. That doesn't mean you're getting what you want or need, but it also doesn't mean that he isn't trying to care or be supportive.

 

For example, he may think he's saying: "I want you to know that I love you and care about you no matter how this birth plays out. You seem very worried about the details, and I don't want to add to the stress and pressure of having things go a certain way. I want to know that you and the babies are healthy. Birth is a mysterious process that I don't understand. You seem very concerned about all the details, and I find it helpful to just focus on the end result."

 

You may hear him saying: "I don't care about how the birth plays out. This is too mysterious and weird for me to understand. Why are you getting so worked up worrying about something that has about a million variables that are out of our control? Just focus on the outcome."

 

My DP and I had a lot of this when preparing for my birth, so I can relate.

 

Can you coach him on how you want to be supported? Sometimes things that are obvious to us are not at all obvious to our partners. Rather than asking for his support in a general way, you may need to ask for something more specific. For example, "I need you to help me think through what we'll do if situation X arises." Or, "I need you to listen to all my fears about the birth without making any comments, and then hold me and tell me that you'll be there for me no matter what happens."

 

Having a great doula is a great idea. I am all for getting support from the people who are best equipped to give it. It is a lot to expect our partners to be good at everything.

 

Good luck, mama. Birth worries take up a lot of emotional energy. Be gentle with yourself and your hubby.


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Old 09-12-2011, 01:12 PM
 
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What I heard when I read this was "why worry about something, when there's really nothing to worry about..."  It's not that there aren't things to anticipate, but if you don't have any indication of a problem, then why bother with the stress of worrying.  

 

I completely understand that you may feel like he's on a different page when it comes to advocating for yourself, but I'm not sure that's what he meant here.  Seems to me he may have simply been trying to tell you to calm down and try to relax about it.  However, he clearly didn't hear that you needed to express your feelings.  

 

At the end of my last pregnancy, I was very uneasy with my DH because he clearly didn't know how to be supportive of me and I think he felt pretty helpless in it all.  This time around, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let his little moments of "insensitivity" eat at me.  It's clearly not his intention to be unsupportive....  But, I do clarify what is and is not helpful.  

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