Unsupportive family, how to deal with? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 10-01-2011, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 15 weeks pregnant with my (hopefully) fourth child.  I have had preeclampsia with all of my living children's pregnancy's.  I had 2 second trimester losses in 2010 and my current pregnancy I'm on Lovenox to hopefully prevent this from reoccuring. 

 

My family, mainly my mother, is always making comments about me being pregnant.  They just found out about my current pregnancy so I've had to hear all the same comments that I"ve heard from her before.  She says how can you risk this again?  Why would you want another child when they could be bipolar(DH is)?  I found that one the most offending. You'd think I'd be used to dealing with "this" by now.   I've heard why do you want more children you already have 3. 

 

Of course none of them understand how hard it would be for me to not fill the void I have from trying and losing my babies and then not go on to have another.  I really can't imagine.  I just don't know how to deal with rude comments from them.  I have explained to my mother that it's really unfair to say these things to me and she apparently doesn't get it.  It really hurts to have NEVER had my parents be excited for any of my pregnancies(9 of them).  I'm a married adult who takes good care of my children and they are good kids, why is this such a bad thing?  I guess my mother still thinks of me as a child, I find it offending and disrespectful.  Thoughts on what I can say differently to stop these rude comments or just let it roll off my back?


Mama to my girls on earth and in heaven... innocent.gif K (10); energy.gifA (6); energy.gifL (3)

candle.gifBella (19 weeks) Jan '10; candle.gifRachel (16 weeks) Dec '10; candle.gifGrace (18 weeks) Oct '11; angel1.gif(10weeks)May '10, angel1.gif(4.5 weeks) Jun '07; angel1.gif(10weeks) Jun '98

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#2 of 5 Old 10-02-2011, 03:24 PM
 
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Any chance you can just stop talking to your family?  They sound quite toxic and you need that bubble of peace around you right now.


Mama to DS (6/07) h20homebirth.gif, DD (6/09) h20homebirth.gif, and DD (07/12) homebirth.jpg..

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#3 of 5 Old 10-07-2011, 02:06 PM
 
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Yeah, I would be on the side of simply not talking to them for a while.

 

I haven't spoken to my mum since 2005 because, well, shes just toxic and I haven't spoken to my Dad since the begining of summer because of comments he made and the fact that I need time to heal due to some issues I have and I can't do it with him around.

 

Its hard, but you have to think about whats best for you and is the stress from your family really what you need during, what I assume, is already a stressful, scary pregnancy??? Take some time out and deal with what is already on your plate, don't let your family add more because its not fair on you.

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#4 of 5 Old 10-07-2011, 02:34 PM
 
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Agreed.  I would take a step back, send her an email telling her that her comments are deeply offensive to you and that you don't wish to speak to her until she agrees that she will no longer make such hurtful comments and instead will offer solely support.  I'd ask her to please contact you via email telling you when she is ready to agree to that so you can resume your relationship. 

 

I'm so sorry for your losses, mama.  Best of luck to you in this pregnancy. 

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#5 of 5 Old 10-07-2011, 08:34 PM
 
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It sounds like you need to have a little confrontation.  There are many good books about setting boundaries in your relationships - I suggest you get one and start to it.  Those kinds of comments are so unsupportive and undermining.  And how could anyone suggest that a person shouldn't have been concieved if they are "defective".  Seriously, a family counselor might be something to look into - someone who can coach you in how to say and do what you need to do there.  Don't let people talk to you or about you like that. 


Wife to Mark, Momma to Matt & Bryan : Joe & Jonathan - Labor Doula
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