Cesarean Birth Recovery & Support Thread 10 (April/May 2004) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-03-2004, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Tammy thanks for being so open. Sounds like you do have a good OB. Maybe if you have another you would consider having a natural delivery in the hospital. My good friend who has a UC had her last baby in a hospital and had pregnancy care with an OB. She had good reasons for this and she said she was very pleased with how well the staff treated her and actually enjoyed her stay at the hospital! They even knew she had a homebirth and were not threatened by that at all. I think we read so many scarey things about hospitals that we forget that there are also good outcomes and experiences.
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Old 05-03-2004, 04:50 PM
 
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If it looked like there were likely to be complications, I'd certainly consider attempting a natural delivery in the hospital. But while we liked our OB a lot and thought he did an excellent job, we hated-hated-hated being in the hospital. Hot, uncomfortable, all those people trouping in and out - absolutely miserable. So I'd much rather attempt a homebirth, if signs indicated that it would be okay. My midwives have done HBACs before.
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Old 05-03-2004, 07:23 PM
 
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Tammy, I was thrilled to read your birth story. Alot of what you were feeling was the same with me too (though I wasn't cold - you'd think they could have turned up the heat!!).

I also think that getting the frenulum snipped would be a good idea to consider - I understand it can make a huge difference.

My hospital also did not allow DH in there until I was lying on the table and prepped. I'm not really sure why. DH is also "needle squeamish" so we didn't bother asking if he could be there.

I hope your nursing issues resolve themselves soon. Congratulations, and welcome to Liam!!!!!

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Old 05-03-2004, 07:43 PM
 
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Tammy ... thanks for sharing your birth story. I realize now that had my c/b been planned vs. at the end of a long labor, I probably would feel much differently about it. Still healing over here I guess.

I agree w/the pp about snipping the frenulum. It is apparently a fairly benign procedure (as such procedures go), and is much more easily done while baby is really little. GL w/your decision. And I'm so glad to hear that, otherwise, nursing is going well for you.
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Old 05-03-2004, 07:59 PM
 
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wow so much activity on this thread! yay! it's great to know I can come here for support from other likeminded mamas. so many of your stories really resonate with me, thanks for sharing!

my DH was allowed in the OR when I was being prepped, and actually they started to prep me in the labor room (ie,epidural,pre-op drugs,shave,etc), he arrived in the OR after they had already started whatever they did in there as he was getting his scrubs on (I was a bit out of it at that point and just totally excited baby was coming!)

Blissful Mama to DD-(5), DS-(6) and someone new due in November!
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Old 05-04-2004, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you knew that you were going to have a repeat csection and were planning a pregnancy, what questions would you ask your OB about your birth that would make the birth meaningful for you?
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:21 AM
 
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Okay - CS mamas - talk to me about recovery pain. I've been more uncomfortable the last couple of days than I ever was in the hospital. My incision doesn't hurt at all, really. But there's a line about 1 inch above it that's really sore (an inside kind of sore, not an outside kind of sore - hope that makes sense). I think it's the nerves to my abdominal muscles. If I twist too much or inadvertently use my abdominal muscles, it's briefly excruciatingly painful.

Is this common/normal?

Also - when can I remove my steri-strips? I had my staples out on Thursday, and I think the midwife who took them out said I could take off the strips in 3-4 days - obviously been longer than that now, but I couldn't really remember - my incision is healing very nicely. Wish I could say the same for the allergic reaction I had to the adhesive they used over my incision - that's still itchy and miserable...
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:54 AM
 
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Tammylc, I had a similar pain on the left of my incision. I also think it was a muscle pain. I had it on and off for four or five weeks. After that, it went away. I don't know if that helps or not, but hopefully it will get better for you, too. It does sound muscular, from what you're describing.

My story now:

I had a very traumatic, very long, very mismanaged vaginal birth with our first son. At the end of three long days, he was rushed to the NICU for observation and I hemmorhaged (sp?). We had a hard go of breastfeeding, but made it work. I was terribly afriad of having another child because I didn't want to go through that again. That was 7 1/2 years ago.

When I fell pregnant with ds #2 (who's almost 18 months old now), we made a point of ensuring that we knew how to prevent the previous situation. Had a lot of knowledge, a great doula, a doctor all for natural birth and a hospital that was as intervention-free as I could find around here (a homebirth is not a legal option in my area and I was too high risk for a birthing centre, so we made due).

After 28 hours of labour, we realized that I wasn't dialating past 5cm. I tried pretty much everything, but my labour had stalled for hours. I made the decision to have a cesarean at that point. That's the key point here: I made the choice. I think that's why I feel good about this birth experience. Last time, I didn't make choices; I let others make them for me. My body was telling me that it couldn't do it much longer and that nothing was happening. I made the decision that was best for my baby and I.

As it turned out, ds' cord was wrapped around his neck a few times, making it too short for him to descend far into the birth canal. He was destined to come out by other means, it seems. The cesarean was surprisingly calming and almost enjoyable. I held him within half an hour of the surgery and nursed him shortly after.

There are times when I still have 'what ifs'. I wonder why I, such a big supporter of and believer in natural birth, will probably never have one. I wonder what it would be like to experience a non-medical birth. The closest thing I can aim for now is a VBAC in a hospital setting. We're trying for baby #3 and that's what I'm planning.

Overall, it was a positive experience and something I would do again. Much better than my vaginal birth, actually :LOL I don't feel like less of a woman. I have two beautiful children who both came out of me in different ways. The how of their arrival means less to me than the fact that they've arrived, period.

I know everyone is in a different place in their physical and emotional recovery. I wish you all the very best and hope that I can help support the mamas who need it. I have my dark days as well, and I'll be needing the comfort
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Old 05-05-2004, 12:35 PM
 
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AMANDA! How nice to see you here!!!
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Old 05-05-2004, 12:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tammylc
Okay - CS mamas - talk to me about recovery pain. I've been more uncomfortable the last couple of days than I ever was in the hospital. My incision doesn't hurt at all, really. But there's a line about 1 inch above it that's really sore (an inside kind of sore, not an outside kind of sore - hope that makes sense). I think it's the nerves to my abdominal muscles. If I twist too much or inadvertently use my abdominal muscles, it's briefly excruciatingly painful.

Is this common/normal?

Also - when can I remove my steri-strips? I had my staples out on Thursday, and I think the midwife who took them out said I could take off the strips in 3-4 days - obviously been longer than that now, but I couldn't really remember - my incision is healing very nicely. Wish I could say the same for the allergic reaction I had to the adhesive they used over my incision - that's still itchy and miserable...
What you are experiencing is normal. Probably the side you hurt from or place is where there was more tugging to get the baby out. At least that is it for me. You may also be getting adhesions or you are doing too much. If you have been feeling good and then doing more than you should, then your body is saying "slow down" and rest. My steri strips came off by themselves in the shower, I would slowly work them off with a warm rag. I also had an allergic reactio to the adhesive. So I can relate! Also as the skin starts to heal it will itch too.
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Old 05-05-2004, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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amanda,

thanks for coming by and sharing your story!
my last csection was very enjoyable and practically pain free. I don't feel I missed out on a thing.

Hang out with us here!
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Old 05-05-2004, 01:03 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnaNicole
AMANDA! How nice to see you here!!!
Ana!! But of course you'd be here! I'm so happy to see you

Quote:
Originally Posted by onthefence
amanda,

thanks for coming by and sharing your story!
my last csection was very enjoyable and practically pain free. I don't feel I missed out on a thing.

Hang out with us here!
Thank you kindly! I'm glad to hear your last cesarean was a good experience. I find I'm getting happier with mine every day. I have the occasional 'what if' or sadness that I will never have that ultimate homebirth, but overall I'm positive about it.

I'm working towards becoming a LC and I hope that I can use my birth experiences to help those in similar situations get the best start at breastfeeding. Maybe that's the silver lining
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Old 05-05-2004, 01:57 PM
 
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Amanda ... !

Tammy ... it sounds to me like you might have been doing too much and your body is letting you know. Take a day and try to relax and do as little as possible and see if that helps. (Hard, I know!) As for steri-strips ... you can start to work them off in the shower with a washcloth or loofah (gently!). The loofah will work great on the non-incision skin to get the dead allergic skin off (same problem here, plus i'm allergic to the steri-strips!). Just go very carefully around your incision. I didn't start doing this until 2+ weeks post c/b.
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Old 05-05-2004, 05:16 PM
 
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tammy--Steri strips are meant to come off on their own. That way they don't come off too early. I did what OTF did. I left them for about a week or more then slowly worked them off in the shower. If you pull too hard it'll catch the hair that is regrowing and hurt!!

This thread is so busy i can't hardly keep up with it all. I'm sooo behind!!

Can I expect this skin fla to ever go away??

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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Old 05-05-2004, 05:50 PM
 
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tammylc --

My advice to you is rest, rest and rest if you possibly can. First of all, you deserve it! Second of all, just reflect for a moment on what your body has been through: "major abdominal surgery" as they said to me many times in the hospital. Not to mention growing and nurturing a beautiful little person!! Take care of yourself, please!

My brief birth history, so you know where I am coming from: First ds was born surgically via c-section after 31 hours of labor and being at 10 cm for about 24 hours. That whole time I was attended by incredible midwives who then accompanied me to the surgery. It was the only way and we all knew and decided together. Ds truly knew what was best for himself and "took a different door out" as I like to tell him. When I became pregnant with our second ds, I considered VBAC. After careful consideration with my supportive OB, I decided to proceed with a planned c-section. Given the circumstances of my first birth, it was the best way.

The first recovery was major after doing it all, I was completely wiped out. I took it very slow and had a great recovery. The second birth was not so fun during surgery (anesthesia related. yuck) but just like the first time I was able to nurse ds within a half an hour. I felt great. The family was great. SO I over did it in the first week I returned home. That dragged my recovery out to 18 weeks without being able to exercise and led to my incision taking way too long to heal. I know better now! We need to take care of ourselves and rest! Otherwise it drags the recovery out even longer.

Anyway, blessings in your recovery!
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Old 05-05-2004, 08:05 PM
 
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Hiya Mamas. I only have a moment to post. I just wanted to say thanks for everyone sharing their stories. People have said some wise things here that are helping me heal emotionally.
Welcome Amanda and Deleria. You both labored for so long. Women just really amaze me. We are so strong.
Tammy-I like what you said (I can't figure out how to use quotes) that it didn't matter what hole the babe came out of. Either way you are still a mom.
Deleria-I liked what you said about the how of your babies arrivals was not as important as the arrival.
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Old 05-05-2004, 08:08 PM
 
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Oh, one other thing. I'm eleven months and a couple weeks post c-birth and my scar STILL itches and is sorta red. Not red and inflamed around the scar. The scar is just red. Anyone else? what do yall think?
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Old 05-05-2004, 08:44 PM
 
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I spent a good portion of last night's laying in bed trying to fall asleep time with the realization that I place a lot of blame on my dh for my c/b. Rationally, I know there is more than just him to blame, but when I think about it, he does carry some of the weight. The more I look at my situation, the more I believe my c/b was totally unnecessary, at least at the time it occurred. It may have happened anyway, but it was premature (we'll never know). And dh could've done more to prevent a lot of the events leading up to it. That was his job, at least as I saw it.

I had really wanted a mw and a doula. DH wanted an OB and no doula "this time" and if everything went well, then we could do the mw the next time (he still doesn't want a doula). So I relented and had an OB and no doula. I really wonder whether, had I had a mw, if she would've provided better labor support (my OB was barely there), and if a doula could've helped me deal better with flat on my back back labor (my water broke before ds engaged, so there was a risk of cord prolapse if I walked around) so I would've avoided an epi. My dh was entirely useless in the labor support department and did nothing to talk me out of any of the interventions I received, nor did he ask the appropriate questions, etc. This is after I told him pre-labor that I would be RELYING on him to provide this function for me. He claims to have read lots of the materials that I gave him about labor and being a helpful labor support person, but I think he just skimmed them and didn't really take it all seriously. He didn't want to go to Bradley (or other) classes. He didn't really want to talk about things in any meaningful way. I really think he thought this would be my show, that I'd be able to tell him coherently what I wanted/needed, that somehow, despite my statements to the contrary, that the OB would hold our hands through everything, and that I'd be thinking rationally. None of that was the case.

I realized last night that I really resent him for this. He really didn't take a huge interest in the whole preparation for labor, in helping me get through labor/delivery with as few interventions as possible, in doing all I expected of him, especially b/c he didn't let me have anyone else there to depend on to do those things. And his current attitude is that we have a healthy ds so what's all my disgruntlement with his method of delivery. I know it doesn't matter which hole he came out of, but I resent the fact that he came out the way he did, that I made the decisions I did, that dh didn't do anything to help the situation, etc.

Did anyone else go (or is anyone else going) through this? I haven't really discussed it with him as I have to plan my words very carefully (very necessary when married to a lawyer), and I really don't want him to feel badly, but I do want him to understand that, at the least, I feel like he failed me. Any ideas?

I guess what brought this on was that I've been doing a lot of reading about the VBAC situation in my area and I really think that if I go to the hospital to VBAC with baby number 2 (we're thinking of ttc in about a year, so this is heavy on my mind -- I want to be prepared!), I will end up with a c/b anyway b/c of all the "required" interventions that I will end up with in order to be allowed to attempt to VBAC. There are no birthing centers anywhere nearby, so that leaves HBAC. The idea of it is becoming more and more intriguing to me (and we're less than 10 minutes from 2 major hospitals so I'm not too worried if transfer becomes an issue). I mentioned this to dh last night and his response? "Well we better make sure your life insurance is up to date then." Way to be supportive, dh. I think he'd prefer I just have a c/b again. Nice and controlled.

I'm so mad. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 05-05-2004, 10:52 PM
 
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Henry's_Mamma: Your entire post could have been written by me (except not as well )!! Exactly - I KNEW going in that I would need to depend on DH to "talk me out of" interventions and to be an advocate for ME! I also wanted my sister (a doula) to be there - DH didn't, he thought he'd be "pushed off to the side". Well, he didn't do much but take up space, anyway!

I HAVE tried to talk to DH about my anger and resentment toward his behavior at DS' birth - several times. The first time was a month or two after the birth, and I was VERY emotional about it. I had been feeling (much like you) that he didn't care that Will was a c/s - he was here and everyone was healthy, so I should "just get over it" (in fact, he used those exact words ). I think, at that time, that I DID want to hurt him - I was hurt, and I wanted him to share that w/me. It didn't work - he kind of brushed everything off as being due to "hormones, or that PPD thing". I was perhaps more emotional than would have been best for trying to get my point across, as all we did was end up fighting.

Recently, I have approached DH about this again. I've really been trying to heal from the birth mentally, and thought it would be helpful to me to get my thoughts OUT of my head and try to release them. I thought more about it before I approached DH this time, and tried to focus on how *I* felt betrayed, let down, resentful, etc. I also tried to set the stage by stating that I was angry w/myself as well for allowing the whole mess to escalate, and that in my "soul-searching" I had realized that the fault wasn't ALL mine. I made sure to say that I wasn't trying to put the fault all on DH, either, but that he DID share some of the fault.

That attempt wasn't much better (although I congratulate myself on NOT trying to be hurtful, just trying to have a discussion). DH got defensive again and I tried to be understanding of that. I actually thought about it a lot before I started talking to DH and made some notes for me to refer to, trying to keep myself focused on my objective (at that point, trying to get DH to understand that I was/am HURTING). DH just doesn't seem able to comprehend how much this hurts me (and, I am assuming, you). I don't know if this is a typical guy thing or not, but I do know that DH has some interaction issues (adult child of alcoholics - many other communication problems).

I am planning on talking more about this w/DH, but I'm not sure what more I can SAY. I have already told him that I WILL be having a doula (preferably my sister) present - as far as I am concerned, he HAD his chance and blew it. We WILL have a doula for the next birth, and depending on his behavior/actions then, we will discuss going w/out a doula for future births. (I should say that I told him this in a nicer way, but I didn't leave any room for doubt - he bears a HUGE responsibility in the c/s, and I'm not willing to take the chance of being unsupported again).

I think that before I talk to DH again, I will be VERY clear in my mind what I need to "get back" from him and the conversation, and will try to think about what I will do if I don't get those things. I want him to show some concern about the fact that Will was a c/s - if he can't really be concerned about that, then at least show some concern that it bothers me! I want him to take SOME responsibility for bailing on me during my labor (like your DH, I think he thought I would be perfectly capable of directing him while laboring though we had discussed ad nauseum the fact that I would NOT be ). I want him to make a commitment to protecting me from interventions and questioning "procedure", no matter how innocent it sounds. I also want him to be much more involved in preparing for the birth - taking classes, reading books, practicing pain relief techniques with me.

I don't know what will come of future discussions. I HOPE that after seeing how much Will's c/s has torn me up, DH will try to avoid that in the future (if only so that he doesn't have to deal w/a VERY angry wife ).

((Amy)) I know what you're going through, and it's not a fun place to be. I hope this helps, if only to know that you're not alone. If you want, feel free to PM me. I've been distracted as I typed this, so it may not be very cohesive. Sorry!

Kinsey
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Old 05-06-2004, 12:59 AM
 
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Wow, big hugs to you, Amy and Kinsey. I'm a really big advocate of the mama-to-be getting to make the decisions about birthing, and I get annoyed when I hear about these husbands who want to veto stuff but aren't up to providing the support they should (believe me, sadly enough, you guys aren't alone ).

OnTheFence pm'ed me to see how I was doing, and I realized that I haven't checked in here with my status recently. My edd is Friday, still planning a VBAC. I'd been having lots of really great prelabor/early labor signs, increasing "real" BH contrax, etc. Then ds' cold caught me, and I've been pretty miserable for about the last 24 hrs (and of course, all my progress stopped too). Rationally, I guess I'd kind of like to feel better before I have a baby (and expose the poor little thing to our germs), but it's a little deflating. I'm feeling a little better tonight (I ate some very hot Indian pickles and drank a bunch of water to try to flush my darned head out, and I think it helped!), hoping to get some real sleep tonight.

I feel kind of sheepish not answering any of the questions about the scar, pain, etc., but really, I had a good recovery and very few problems healing. No skin flap, either, though I know a few women who have them (ug--is it because of some miscalculation on the surgeon's part when they're suturing???). Wrensmom, the scar will be red for a while, but eventually (knock on wood) it will fade to white, and be pretty thin and not that noticeable.
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Old 05-06-2004, 01:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Amy

Wow, what a powerful post. I can hear your anger. I am just not sure if it should be pointed at your husband, but I do believe he does carry some weight in this.

I want you to know that I say this in love and not to be a bitch. I am going to give some unsolicited advice. Take it or leave it, please just read it.
I think before you start laying the blunt of the blame on your husband, making him a scape goat for this csection you feel was unnecessary, you may want to seek some counseling and possibly look into post partum issues. I don't think its healthy or good for your marriage to have all these feelings of resent ment and I am not so sure you should be confronting him and placing this on him when you are so angry and passionate. Post partum is a very difficult time, sometimes our perceptions and realities change very quickly.

I too blamed others. "If only I had done this" and "if only Jeff would have let me have that homebirth" I came to realize that whatever I would have done, whatever he would have done -- I still would be in that OR. Could have doula changed things -- maybe? These are all what ifs. Men think in the right now, they dont view the past and future into the picture. They look at the things that count in black and white, we see things differently.
If you arent talking to someone about all this, I think you should. I wish I would have with my daughter. It was a mistake not too. I had terrible PPD and I had all these emotional things going on.

Your csection may have been unnecessary -- just be careful on who you lay the burden of responsibility for it on.

{{{hugs}}
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Old 05-06-2004, 03:00 AM
 
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OTF/Kim - I just have to say this, and I know this is a VERY touchy subject for me, so maybe I am reading your posts wrong. But..... It seems (to me) that you have been insensitive in some of your replies. I can specifically say this in regards to my first post when you said: "I have to ask and I hope no one throws stones but do you really feel your csection was unnecessary? " I answered you immediately and let a bit of my frustration show through then. Now the reply you gave to Amy just seems insensitive. She SAID she has not talked about this w/her husband, that she is still sorting through her thoughts. She's NOT " laying the blunt of the blame on your husband, making him a scape goat for this csection you feel was unnecessary", she's thinking out loud!

Amy also said: "I really don't want him to feel badly, but I do want him to understand that, at the least, I feel like he failed me" Which he SHOULD feel. Whether or not the c/s was unnecessary (moot point, now), he FAILED. His job was to prevent (or minimize) interventions and provide support. In fact, he was against Amy hiring support from a doula. These duties were not sprung on him out of the blue, Amy let him know her expectations ahead of time. He failed to do HIS job. He should understand that (notice she's not saying "admit" or "apologize" - I don't think it's asking too much for him to UNDERSTAND).

I have seen from your posts about your own c/births that you have come to peace w/the process and are able to enjoy talking about and planning c/births w/other moms. That's wonderful for you! (I am being serious, not snarky). However, not everyone is there yet (and, TBH, even if I were, I would probably take offense at your questioning the unnecessariness - not a word, I know - of my c/s). Some of us take a little time to replay/relive the experience and process it. Sometimes the process is longer than expected. Everyone's journey is a bit different.

Amy's (and my) feelings are entirely VALID, and we are certainly entitled to them. In fact, my counselor celebrated my anger/resentment, in particular that toward DH. He DID let me down, and he DOESN'T have a problem w/it. That's a BIG problem for me. Obviously, I'm not dwelling on it night and day, but there was a space of time where I WAS incredibly angry at him night and day. I'm past it now, and I'm much better off than had I repressed those feelings.

Counseling may help (or it may not - I've had both scenarios). What really helps is starting to come to peace and heal from within. Sometimes counseling gets us there sooner/easier, sometimes not. I think Amy's doing very well in processing her birth experience. *I*, personally, am grieving - I don't know that Amy is, as well, but anger is an important step in that process. I had to get angry in order to feel that I had been wronged (by the docs, by DH, by MYSELF, even). Then I could start to move on.

It's entirely possible that I am PMSing and reading WAAAAY too much into your posts, Kim. If so, I apologize. I know the internet is hard to "read", sometimes, and tone doesn't always come across. I just wanted to speak out so that I could get past it. (and, if applicable, bring it to your attention) Sometimes it just hurts me to read certain posts and it's been over a year since the c/s - I'm just still not over it yet.

Again, I applaud your comfort w/your births and choices, and simply ask that you consider the rest of us taking the longer path to that peace.

Kinsey
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Old 05-06-2004, 10:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Kinsey,

I think you are taking my posts way too entirely personal and the wrong way.
I really do not know what else to say to convince you otherwise.
It ook me years to recover from my first csection so I am no sure where you get this notion that I put a time limit on things.

First, post partum is a very rocky time, especially after a traumatic birth. Every time you (general term here) evaluate what happened during a birth you may or may not change your mind. I asked you about the necessity of your csection, a valid question I believe for this forum, and if you really felt that way. Often people's perceptions change and the reality of the events change -- even after years of looking back on what happened. So right now someone may think their csection was necessary/unnecessary but then down the road realize something entierely different and that change over and over again -- and then no matter what the person believes the reality of that could be the opposite.

Also, the post partum time is very emotional, lots of things going on and this also plays a part in our judgement of how things happen and who to take our feelings and judgements out on. Do I think Amy's husband should have been more supportive? Yes. He could have. He also could have taken more of an active roll. I really cant say. Maybe he felt he was active enough -- I don't know. Men normally in those situations have to be told what to do and when to do it. They are not as intuitive as women and from my experience often do not have the same reaction times as women.

And I didn't give a pat answer, I think she does need counseling. If she is placing this much blame on her husband and having this much resentment it is not healthy for her marriage or relationship. I think I am being pretty honest when I also say that we look to blame and point fingers when things do not go as planned -- this is human nature.

I'm sorry you felt it necessary to go off on a rant on me twice thinking that I was being insensitive when I was really being more objective.
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Old 05-06-2004, 11:39 AM
 
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Hi ladies!

Amy and Kinsey, I just wanted to say that I am sorry that your dh's just aren't hearing you and your pain, I think in your situations I would have felt let down by my dh too. (but my situation was/is very different, and my dh played no role in my c-section decisions)

I have had 3 c-births that I feel were necessary- and it still has been hard to process at times--I think you are wise to put thought into what happened and work through it .

KKmama- I hope you feel better really soon, I am thinking of you and hoping you will soon be posting a beautiful birth story that you feel great about!

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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Old 05-06-2004, 11:42 AM
 
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I didn't mean to cause such controversy!

Kim ... I apppreciate your suggestion to seek counseling. I have seriously considered it. But I just want to clarify my position ... I am mad and resentful of my dh, but it is only a part of the larger picture of my anger at "the system" that I allowed myself to be subjected to, and which I feel lead me to this point. (Believe me, I am also angry w/myself for certain choices I knowingly made, and am mad at the ob, nurses, hospital, etc. as well.) It was only the other night that I realized that I had any anger towards my dh at all about this whole situation, and I was writing to merely think aloud about what I feel about him and his role in the c/b. I hadn't really explored those feelings before, and now that I have, I can see a little more clearly and I'm not as angry now as that post may suggest. In fact, in many ways, now that I've "spewed the venum" here, I now know what I need to say to my dh (and how to say it in a productive way) in order to let go of my anger and my blame and move forward.

As Kinsey suggested, I believe I am grieving my lost birth experience, and as with all grief, I am stepping through the various stages in my own time and my own way. Right now, I'm angry. Previously, I was in denial. I'm also at the point where I wonder if I will ever feel normal about this. And I'm sure many of the women on here know that it takes time, and the amount of time is different for each woman, to come to acceptance.

However, at this moment, I do feel that my dh failed me, or rather failed me b/c he didn't meet the expectations I had for him. I liken it to trying to run a marathon without training. He decided he was going to run a marathon, but he didn't bother to do much training, so he failed to make it more than a few miles down the road. I don't expect him to apologize for what happened to me (i.e., the occurence of the c/b), but rather, I would like him to acknowledge what happened and my feelings regarding it in a way that doesn't belittle my sadness (which, so far, has been his current response). I don't blame him for the c/b even close to 100%, but I do feel my experience may have left me feeling differently, even if the result was the same, had I had better support either from him or a mw or a doula. So to the extent that he didn't meet expectations that he knew I had of him, I would like him to take responsibility. I don't think that's too much to ask. Does that make sense? I don't mean for him to shoulder all the blame.

Kinsey ... thank you for validating my feelings and sharing your story. Its nice to know I'm not alone.

KKmama & Jess ... thank you also for your words of support.

KKmama ... please keep us posted as to your progress. Sending happy VBAC vibes to you! And feel better soon!

Now enough bickering about this, ladies!
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Old 05-06-2004, 02:32 PM
 
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Amy and Kinsey now that I have a moment. . .dd is nursing. . .I wanted to tell yall that I have those same feelings the my dh let me down. My labor support was my bf, my sis, my mom and my dh. My bf did tons of reading before the birth and my sis was a trained doula. My dh went to a birthing class but that was it. I was in charge of making all the decisions regarding to baby and birth. I guess he felt it was my deal. Even though it was his babe too.
Oddly enough during the labor when things weren't looking so good no one I mean no one questioned anything. My mom and my sis have since told me that they regret they did not question things earlier or at all. When the decision was made to go to the hospital I remember being left alone in the other room. Does it really take that many people to get ready for a trip to the hospital? When we got there, my bf, sis and dh all stood along the wall away from me. Dh finally sat next to me as I was being given a half an hour to see what effect the epidural would have on my uterus. As I remember it he was told he could sit next to me.
So for awhile I was in denial about the whole birth. Recently, as I've started to explore my feelings around the birth I came to realize I felt let down by my dh. I'm the most upset with my dh mainly because he is my dh. Dh questions everything all the time. I understand that during labor and the birth he could feel alienated since he wasn't and couldn't be in control but I still feel let down.
As part of my healing process I brought this up to him. He of course was defensive and thought that what I was saying was mean. That I should tell my bf,sis and mom the same thing. I told him this is just how I was feeling. I'm sorry he felt like I was being mean but that I had alot of sorrow about how things turned out. I think he got it after awhile or he just didn't want to argue about it. I still haven't gotten any acknowledgment from him. I don't know that I need that right now. I just had to say how I felt.
So long story long I know what yall are going through.

kkmama-hope yer feelin' better soon.

take care mamas
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Old 05-06-2004, 03:49 PM
 
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Kim - I am sorry you feel I "went off on you". As I said, the internet is hard to read, sometimes. I stand by what I said, although I certainly could have said it in a nicer way. I apologize for that. I'll try to explain myself a little better.


This is not directed at you specifically, Kim, but is meant to try to get some of my thoughts out of my head.


The fact is (at least in my case) there IS blame to be spread around. I take a huge helping on myself, but there is plenty left for my DH and the docs/nurses/medical system. It just takes time to sort out the appropriate distribution. At first, I tried to convince myself that the c/s was unavoidable, but as I gained distance from it, it became clear that it was not. There were definite choices *I* made that caused it. There were definite actions (or lack thereof) on my DH's part that contributed in a big way. There were definite instances where the docs/nurses' actions contributed to the c/s.

Had I been stronger, it wouldn't have mattered that my DH wasn't. Had I been stronger, it wouldn't have mattered how much the docs/nurses pushed. Had my DH been stronger, it wouldn't have mattered that I wasn't - he could have shored me up. Had he been stronger, it wouldn't have mattered how much the docs/nurses pushed - he could have shut them down. Had the docs/nurses not pushed or been willing to step away from the medical model, it wouldn't have mattered how strong or weak DH OR I was - there would have been no pushing to resist. Everyone has some responsibility here.

I think it would be MUCH easier if the c/s had been necessary - had DS' heart rate dropped, or I had had "complications", something, anything that would make a c/s CLEARLY the only option. As it stands, I am left knowing that it wasn't the only option, or even the only option LEFT (ie, different positions hadn't been tried, the epidural hadn't been turned off (I don't believe), even forceps *could* have been tried). There will ALWAYS be the question of whether it was necessary (well, not in my case - I know it was NOT - and that just makes it a harder pill to swallow).

I *think* my emotional recovery would be much easier (but I can't know for sure) if the c/s had been TRULY necessary. I wouldn't be going round in circles, wondering 'what if I'd done XYZ'. I wouldn't be feeling resentful of my DH for his lack of strength and feeling guilty for feeling that way. I wouldn't be so damn defensive about my c/s and apprehensive about the next birth (I know there would still be apprehension, but it wouldn't be about my support system and caregivers' trustworthiness).

It is hard for me to read about other mamas who have so easily (it seems to me, from the outside - obviously I don't *know* their struggles) come to acceptance w/their c/births. Like Amy said, "I'm also at the point where I wonder if I will ever feel normal about this. " Me, too. I know I need to, and I hope that someday I will, but right now it's too fresh and feels too WRONG. I am truly happy for all the mamas who are "okay" with their c/births, and part of me is jealous. Part of me sometimes thinks, "Well, heck, maybe I should just get over it and just plan a c/s for the next one and forget about it". But I can't do that. It wouldn't be true to myself, and I know that eventually I WOULD still have to deal w/my feelings about it.

Ugh. This post seems rambly (NAKing a fussy monkey tends to interrupt my creative flow - imagine that!), and I don't know if I'm even making any sense. I just wanted to get some of that OUT of my head.

Kim - I didn't mean to imply that you had some sort of a time frame for healing. I just wanted people to realize that it's an extremely personal process and we all take our own time. Now I'm going to speak to some of your points from your post BUT it's not personal, they are just specific things that spoke to me. I promise!

First, I do know that post partum is a rocky time, and people's perceptions change. However, the facts (at least in my case) will NOT change. And, looking at the FACTS, I still believe that my c/s was unnecessary. I honestly cannot imagine EVER feeling differently. Yes, I may feel differently about it and may eventually be able to accept it for what it was instead of feeling raw and violated, but the FACTS will still be that there was no reason for this c/s. I don't know about others' experiences, but whether or not emotions/viewpoints will change, they are still valid right now - it's what people are FEELING, and should be acknowledged.

Secondly, I agree that emotions are stronger and perhaps less rational during post partum state (rational emotions? Is that an oxymoron? I hope you can find my meaning anyway). That doesn't make them any less real. Like I said in my post, I DID confront my DH (yes, I did confront him - not very well done of me) shortly after Will was born. I could probably have done it a better way (NOW, but realistically NOT then), but didn't. I NEEDED him to know I was hurting, and that he had some responsiblity for that. I NEVER blamed the c/s on him, but I wanted him to know it hurt me that he didnt' seem to care 1) that I had an unwanted c/s 2) that the c/s was unnecessary 3) that he was NOT a support for me and 4) that he didn't seem to care that he had let me down (by not advocating for me, NOT by me having the c/s).

No, he didn't respond well, but I DID get all that OUT of my mind. I think that had I not gotten it out there, I would have had HUGE problems post partum - more PPD and earlier, and there still would have been that resentment towards DH - just unvoiced and more poisonous to my heart. I would probably do it again, in the same situation. Hopefully I could be less emotional about it, but I don't know - it's a very emotional situation, and it is still hard for me to try to talk to DH about it. He just doesn't "get" it, and he doesn't have to. He DOES need to be sympathetic to my feelings, and thus far he hasn't been.



You know, I just think it's a lot easier for people outside the situation (or with more time between them and the situation) to be calm and objective. It's easy for me to forget just how much things hurt while you are going through them. I think maybe it's like the pain of labor fading, the pain of emotional trauma probably fades too, once it's been resolved.

One last thing, Kim, that I've been really thinking on. You said I was :"thinking that I [you, Kim] was being insensitive when I [you, Kim] was really being more objective." That's true. However, the two are not mutually exclusive. Like, if you went shopping for pants w/a friend and she asked if the pants made her butt look big. Objectively, yes, maybe they do, but it might still be insensitive to say so. It all depends on the way the message is framed and on your friendship. My mom could say my butt looks big and I wouldn't be as hurt/offended as if a casual acquaintance said the same thing. KWIM?

Sometimes it's easy to forget that there are real people on the other end of these messages, and to leave out that extra bit of compassion/sympathy.

Or maybe your personality is just more blunt than *I* am accustomed to. In either case - you are NOT invited to go pants shopping with me . I know my butt is big, and do NOT need reminded - by anyone. Friends?

Kinsey
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Old 05-06-2004, 04:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Of course we are friends! ANd yes I am very blunt. I would tell you the pants make your butt look big. LOL I am just that way. I am just that way. I try to be all southern belle about it, but its harder when you are on the internet!
Thanks for sharing -- this is what this thread is all about, learning, listening and sharing. {{{hugs}}}
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Old 05-06-2004, 08:47 PM
 
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For those of you who had epidurals ... did you experience any long-term (i.e., more than 1 month post birth) side effects? I'm trying to determine if the following might be due to the epidural or if its something else I should worry about ... here goes.

Every time I get up out of a laying down position (when I have been in said position for more than a half hour or so) my feet tingle as soon as I put weight on them, and the longer I've been laying down, the higher up my legs the tingling goes (but never higher than my knees). Time of day doesn't matter, but it is worse first thing in the morning. Its not painful, just annoying b/c it can take me a few steps to get good balance, and usually takes about a minute for the tingling to stop. I never had this problem pre-pg or even while pg, so I'm thinking it has something to do either w/hormones or w/the epidural.

Any thoughts?

Thanks!
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Old 05-06-2004, 09:12 PM
 
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Amy-

I had all spinals, so I can't really say- but- I would call my OB and ask.

:Patty :fireman Catholic, intactalactivist, co-sleeping, GDing, HSing, no-vax Mama to .........................:..........hale:
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