older children after a homebirth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 05-05-2004, 10:54 PM - Thread Starter
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My daughter will be 2 when the baby is born, and I am wondering if I should ask my mom and dad to keep her for a night or two after the baby is born. My parents live 3 minutes away, and Abigail loves them. We spend a lot of time with them, and she is 100% comfortable with them. I am thinking that my mom will be over here alot during the day to help with Abigail, so she will be with me the majority of the day, but at night it may be nice to focus on the baby, nursing, and resting as much as possible; and Abigail gets the added treat of one on one grammy and grandpy time, which she loves.

What have others done?
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#2 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 02:05 AM
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We are having our second in a couple of weeks or so and I have a newly 5 year old.

My thoughts are these........

I keep feeling this really adverse reaction when people (like my folks) say "Oh, we'll take Katie for you after the baby comes if you want!". I feel like the message is that for a time, the baby is more important. And, IMHO, he won't be. He'll be AS an important person in the family, but not more so than my other child. So I don't want to send the message to my daughter that she needs to be "sent away".

I also don't want to over stress her. If this baby is a cryer, if she gets worn out from waking in the night........whatever........if she simply needs to get away for herself, thats ok to.

But, for me, it's going to be her choice. I'm not PLANNING on "sending her away" because, knowing my daughter, I think her excitement at being a big sister and having a new baby and wanting to help out will outweight anything. BUT we've also made semi plans with my folks to let her go stay with them for a few days if SHE needs it. If she seems to be getting cranky or taking it hard or acting out because she may feel neglected, I'd offer the "treat" of going to grandma and grandpas........but ONLY if SHE needs it. I'm going to be a mom of two, and IMO that starts the day the baby is born. All the bonding, all the "chilling out".......I intend to do that with my DH and DD right there by my side.
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#3 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 10:55 AM
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My mom has offered to come & get Roland (2 /12 when the baby is born) after work, and take him to her place for dinner 2 - 3 times a week. She usually takes him for a walk in the forest near her house. She'd bring him back for bedtime. It isn't going to be said that we're "getting a break from Roland" it's such a negative way of looking at it... I don't *want* a break from him. The first few weeks are likely to be boring for him-- not going out much/at all-- so it'll be a welcome outing for HIM.

I like this arrangement because thats the time of day he needs most attention, and is likely to be the time of day the baby does, too. He'll have a better time at her house than he would at home. Infact, when we do that now, he doesn't want to come home!!

However, DH is taking 3 months of parental leave, so another part of our plan is for DH to be on 'Roland time' (get up with him--usually at 5:30 or 6, stay up all dayonce Roland is in bed--usually by 8pm, he has a few hours of free time until he goes to bed) I'm going to be on 'baby-time' (I have to do all the night feedings anyway, and I can nap whenever the baby does) Of course, DH will want time with the baby, and I'll want time with Roland, too... we'll wing that during the days.... and I told DH all deals are off for the first 2 weeks... I might need some support in the night.
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#4 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 11:05 AM
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I'm pregnant with my 5th and this will be my 4th homebirth. My girls ages right now are: 14y, 4.5y, 3y, and 19 months. I think my girls would be upset if I sent them away when the baby was born, but that's just my girls!

Rachel ~ homeschooling mama to six.
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#5 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 01:53 PM
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I haven't even thought about the "after" part of homebirth! I'm still stuck on who will take care of ds during the birth. He will be almost 3 when the baby comes. My Mom is so upset about the homebirth, I'm not sure if she'll come at all. I'm hoping that my stepmom will come to be with ds during the birth.

I've only been away from ds twice overnight, and both times ds was at home with dh. I don't think he would adjust well to being away overnight. My Mom has offered to have him visit for a few nights, but I just don't think it's a good idea. The last time he was at her house at bedtime, he cried for two hours.

If my family lived closer and if we were all used to overnight solo visits, then I would be all for it. I think it all depends on what your child is comfortable with.
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#6 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 04:40 PM
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My mom lives 10 minutes away so we made loose plans for her to be with dd during the birth and see what would happen afterward. As it happened, ds was born at 4:34am and dd awoke after I got out of the birth pool and climbed into bed. We all hung out for a couple hours and then my parents took Ellie home so dh and I could get some sleep. They came back at dinnertime and my dad ordered us steak dinners.

It worked out fine. I considered having her spend the night with my parents, but I didn't want her to feel "sent away" or anything. KWIM? The newborn baby and I slept in our bed and dd and dh camped out in the living room for a couple of nights and then we all jumped into the family bed.

HTH... I think I rambled a bit.
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#7 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 05:09 PM
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When my second was born, my first was 21 months. He was very comfortable with his grandparents, so he spent the day with them while I gave birth. They would have taken him for the night too, but I wanted to send him a very clear message that the baby *wasn't* taking his place, and I felt that having him close to me from the very beginning of the baby's life would be helpful in doing that.
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#8 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 08:08 PM
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I'm not planning on sending Bray to his grandparents overnight because I think he might feel like we're ' pushing him away ' and I don't want him to have any sort of negative feelings towards the new baby .

I will have MIL ( who lives next door ) take him out during the day onto the farm etc ... for a sort of break ( more for him than for me since it'll be no fun for him to be stuck inside for the majority of the day, especially since it'll be summer ) .
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#9 of 13 Old 05-06-2004, 08:53 PM
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My older DD stayed with us during and after the birth of her baby sister.
DH did take her out to a playground, the grocery store, etc. those first few days so baby and I could get more rest.
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#10 of 13 Old 05-09-2004, 02:27 PM
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After DS was born, and we were headed home (hospital birth) my parents were going to watch DD (22 mo) for a couple of hours while we "settled in". Well, when we got there it seemed so sad and empty without DD and I just wanted her there, where she belonged - DH totally agreed, and said he didn't want DD to think she was being replaced or given away or anything of the sort. So we called them immediately and had DD brought back. My mom understood - she had 4 homebirths but she said she always wanted everyone together after a birth, otherwise it felt a little empty.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

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#11 of 13 Old 05-09-2004, 03:42 PM
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After my second was born (night labor and birth) our oldest (2 years 4 months) went across the street to some friends to play for a couple of hours so dh and I could sleep. Our oldest had already had a few hours of holding and touching her new baby sister so she was ready to get out some of her pent up energy.

I am very family, so the thought of sending my dd away overnight would bother me. I want my family together for bonding.
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#12 of 13 Old 05-10-2004, 02:01 PM
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For our homebirth I had a friend who DD is very comfortable with come to stay with her. She was 26 months. DD knew both my midwives, and we also had my mom and my MIL there - all people she loves. DD actually slept through the whole birth. (Suprising since we have a l'oud' house.) She woke up 20 minutes after DS was born, met her brother and then asked to go back to sleep.

Obviously, this is an ideal situation that doesn't happen always. I had my friend who had come to the birth stay with us the next day - after everyone else left. That way DD had her special playmate and I had time with the babe. I think she would have been hurt to get sent to her grandmother's house. So I just made sure that for the first two weeks I always had someone else around in the house.
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#13 of 13 Old 05-10-2004, 05:20 PM
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I want my kids to be here....my Mom (who thinks I am going to the hospital) wants to pick them up and take them home with her for a few days.....I don't really think that this is a good idea, so we will probably not call her until after the birth and tell her that the girls want to stay home. Luckily, DH already has a flexible week off whenever we need it, so he will be taking care of them and me.....I think it will work out fine, but if it doesn't then I will ask my Mom to take them........they usually stay frequently during the summer anyway.

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