Originally Posted by its_our_family
This might sound "not so nice" but think about it. Your child is in your "direct" care for 18 years. Labor and delivery takes up about a week max. Now, I know it takes longer for physical recovery. But there is so much to look forward to in your life and in theirs that I would hope in 18 years it would be something in the past. If it isn't, maybe you need real help. We can't dwell on the things in life that already happened that we didn't like because it will affect the rest of the life we have to live.
Okay, I've been chewing on this for a couple of days. I need to get this off my chest....
It DOES sound "not so nice". My grieving over my c/s is MINE. Who are you (generic you, I promise - I'm hearing this sort of thing ALL the time IRL, IOF just happened to put it here where I could respond) to hand down a time limit?
If I was raped, would you (generic you again) tell me that I have to be over it in 18 years? Because, honestly, my c/s was like a rape (to ME). I was violated physically, mentally, and emotionally. I BEGGED for help to avoid it and was bluntly (and rudely) rejected. And now, though I am trying to heal from the trauma, I am repeatedly told that I should "be over it by now", or that "it's no big deal".
Well, I'm NOT over it, and it IS a big deal.
DH and I had planned (sshhhhh, listen -- can you hear the gods laughing? lol) to have 3 or 4 kids, about two years apart. So, assuming we were able to keep on track with that, I have 3-5 years of active reproduction in my immediate future.
Yes, my c/s scar may be "healed", but it will definitely affect my future pregnancies and births. Even if there are no physical repercussions for future births (ie, uterine rupture, placental problems), I will always be a V/HBAC.
I am honestly concerned about my ability to VBAC in the future. It is getting tougher and tougher to find a birth attendant (or hospital - good luck) to allow a VBAC labor to progress on it's own, without excessive monitoring. There is a midwife here in town who runs a birthing center, and she has already told me she will want to induce me at 38 weeks (is she insane?? inducing a VBAC????). Obviously, I won't go for that, but I'll have the added stress at the end of my pregnancy of "fighting" my care provider (or of maybe being dropped from care).
So, assuming DH and I go ahead and have all four children we've discussed, the c/s will be a major part of my life until 2009. Yes, I certainly hope that my anger/pain will fade with each successful birth, but some part of it will still be there - it will HAVE to be. I won't be allowed to put the c/s out of my mind, even if *I* would like to.
So how long after I'm done having kids can I grieve? I don't know. Honestly, I hope I NEVER become "okay" with an unnecessary c/s. There should NEVER be an unnecessary c/s performed! I don't want to give up my indignation on that point - I want to be "out there" in the public, raising awareness, helping other moms to avoid c/s, helping other moms to fight back if they've been a victim of a c/s. Can I do that if I'm no longer angry about my c/s? I don't know.
Oh, and I HAVE sought "real help". I was told that 1) I CAN'T have PPD, as it's been almost a year since DS was born (at the time I sought "help"), and 2) lots of women have c/s, and THEY'RE not having PTSD. Yes, VERY helpful. When I responded that PPD is, in fact, a diagnosis I was eligible for, I was brushed off. When I responded that I am NOT "lots of women", the focus of my "therapy" shifted to the fact that my husband is an ACoA. ????WTH that has to do with my c/s, I don't know. And, no, there are no other options for "help" in my area.
Originally Posted by its_our_family
We can't dwell on the things in life that already happened that we didn't like because it will affect the rest of the life we have to live.
I'm repeating this b/c it illustrates my point (though I'm kind of twisting the quote - I'm sorry, IOF). My c/s IS affecting the rest of the life I have to life, just by having happened. So to say that I can't dwell on it, well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I don't sit around every day bemoaning the fact that I had a c/s. But I DO get angry and sad when I let myself think about it. I wonder what I could have done differently, I plan for what I WILL do differently in the future, sometimes I still cry when I think about the nurse who REFUSED to help me get on hands and knees to push. Not everyday, but sometimes.
I'm not at the point yet (don't know if I will ever be) where I can think that my c/s occurred "for a reason". The reason was that the OB and nurses REFUSED to help me avoid it. What have I learned from it? To stay away from hospitals for birthing. To distrust medical "professionals". That I can't count on anyone but myself to protect myself.
I've seen some say that they learned they can't control everything. Well, I WASN'T trying to control everything - that fell to the OB/nurses. I was trying to let my birth progress naturally.
I've also seen some say they have more compassion for c/s moms. Well, I already had compassion for them. It's the unnecessary c/s I have no tolerance for, and this experience has made this even more so.
Was there a reason for my c/s? I can't find one.
Okay, now that's off my chest. I want to reiterate that this was NOT directed at anyone in particular (though I can see how it may appear to have been, given that I quoted IOF). It is VERY frustrating to me to go through my life (in a mainstream world) and be told that my feelings are unreasonable or even WRONG. How can my feelings be wrong? They're not right or wrong - they just are! I really don't expect the cashier at the grocery store to understand how the c/s will affect the rest of my reproductive life (unless she's had one, and maybe not even then), but I know mamas here DO understand.
I have not been very active on this thread b/c I have been questioning whether it's the right place for me. It seems that it's tilted more toward helping mamas prepare for upcoming (scheduled) c/s and to recover (physically) after having a c/s. Let me be clear: I think that's GREAT!! If a mama needs to have a c/s, she also needs some support and help in making it as "natural" as possible.
I just don't feel that either of those two options fit me. I am not planning a c/s, and I'm pretty well physically recovered from DS' birth.
But I haven't seen another thread that fits me, either. I don't know....
I don't want to bring mamas down who have to have a c/s, and I want to help them recover afterward, but sometimes I just feel that I shouldn't be here....Does that make sense?
Wow! After that massive post, you all may be thinking "I hope she doesn't post any more - my eyes can't take it!" lol. Sorry it got so long - like I said, it's stuff I've been thinking about for a while and needed to get out of my head.