I think this is one of the best cesarean support threads we have had in awhile. Shannon thanks so much for sharing your story, I relate to it in so many ways and its inspiring in a sense that you took your grief and anger and turned it into something positive. Also I find it profound that you also came to see a reason for why the staff did what they did, even thuogh it greatly impacted you. I had a similar experience with my mother the day she died and reading your story it shows me how so many of us in this life have common threads.
I was reading another thread in this forum earlier today. It was discussion on birth options and the only birth options mentioned were vaginal ones. Comments were made about cesarean sections, more or less on how to avoid them and how evil they are and if you "prepare" for one, then you are not trusting the birth process. I had flashbacks to 9-10 years ago when I was preparing for a pregnancy and then became pregnant. I read so much about natural birth, how to cope with pain, and how to avoid a cesarean. As I have mentioned in past threads "I wasn't going to be one of those women" who had a cesarean section. No one in my family had a cesarean birth. I was 9.5lbs and 22in long, 15 days past my mothers due date. She had another vaginal delivery, natural actually that was fairly short of a 7lb baby. My grandmother had two children, she labored over 3 days with my mother before finally giving birth and then nearly ten years later birthed my aunt - a vaginal breech delivery. My great-grandmother had four children at home. My husbands grandmother and mother had all had vaginal deliviers too (MIL last baby was born by csection for cord prolapse, stillbirth) Between his two grandmothers they had 13 homebirths between them that included breech babies and a set of twins. I was pretty confident that I had the perfect body for birthing and that there was no way I would end up with a csection. I even proclaimed at one point (and I have heard this statement in NFL/AP forums before) that I was more than willing to accept if my baby died by refusing to have a csection. I would avoid it at all cost.
I am all for healthy fear. Cesareans are surgery, major abdominal surgery but for the most part they are safe. Yes risks are higher than a vaginal birth, but even they are small, in fact very small. I bought into the whole song and dance that if a baby was born by cesarean that they would be cut, have breathing problems, have bad apgars, not breastfeed, the list goes on and on and on. This doesnt even touch what I thought would happen to me. When I was pregnant with my daughter I would skip over cesarean section stuff, I even skipped the class the hospital offered that talked about them, and I would not entertain an alternative birthplan -- to do these things in my mind at the time would lead me to certain doom and a level of mistrust of my body.
Nothing I can say in this forum or to anyone personally face to face can describe the sense of anguish and devastation when I found out I had a transverse breech baby at the end of my pregnancy. I sobbed. I prayed. I begged. I called a local midwife and did everything she told me to do. I had reflexology. I had gentle massage done on my uterus to get her to turn. I spoke to my daughter asking her to turn.
Looking back, I realize that my anguish and devastation had nothing to do with her. It was about me. My pride for one. My confidence. I took this as personal defeat and failure. I never once at that time thought about what was best for my baby, that possibly she knew something I didn't, that maybe god/goddess was telling me something. It was personal. And still, even when faced with a cesarean birth, I did not do anything to prepare for it. In fact I tried to bargain with my OB, who said she was willing to deliver a buttock breech baby but that my baby was transverse. She said we could wait and see if she presented that way but the bigger she became, the harder that would become. *I* also didn't feel comfortable as a first time mother having a breech delivery. While I had read all about vaginal breech birth, I also was acutely aware of the danger of them and the risk of having a problem in that regard seemed more terrifying than have a cesarean. It was then and only then did I really give thought to my baby and thought about bringing her home. I abandoned the idea "avoid at all costs" and scheduled my csection.
That Monday I arrived at the hospital and instead of having a csection I asked for an ECV. My thoughts weren't on my daughter. It was on my fear of an OR, a fear of failure, and my determination to have a vaginal birth. I never looked at the big picture and I made choices that were based on my own selfishness rather than what was best for my baby. Of course the ECV, attempted three times failed, and I ended up with not just a csection but an emergency one. Unprepared. Frightened. And with no time to mentally accept that within minutes I would have a seven inch cut in my abdomen. I did not have an opportuntiy to say No.
As some of you know, my spinal failed and went into my chest, compromising my breathing and blood pressure. I was told I could not have GA because of this (the spinal being in my chest) and I felt everything. I was given mega amounts of sedatives, phenegran, zofran, and 250mg of demerol plus verset(sp) over the course of 90 minutes. I spent 75-90 minutes in the OR for my first csection. The average csection is 45 minutes, complicated ones an hour. Not only was I strapped to the table like Jesus Christ, but nurses had to lay on top of my legs because I was kicking on the table. Even with an oxygen mask on I screamed and cussed to the point that I was told other patients could hear me. My husband was kicked out of the OR when he questioned the amount of drugs they were putting in my IV -- in fact the anest. said that he would stop giving me drugs "when I stopped screaming".
The last thing I remember was a black orderly type man moving me onto a bed. I was heavily sedated by this time. I was wheeled to a L&D room to recover. Some things I remember are like a dream, and some of my memories I am not sure if they were put there by my husband or by pictures. I did breastfeed in recovery. The lacation consultant held my breast while my husband held my baby to it. I remember asking for my mother and the telephone rant in my recovery room. They say I talked on the phone but I don't recall with whom that was or what I said. Everyone held my baby before I did. Because I was so drugged and couldn't speak for myself, I was ignored. My family was so excited about our arrival and the fact she had red hair, that they didn't notice at times I was exposed from the top down to my waist or that I was bleeding so bad that the blood ran off my bed onto the floor.
Because of the problems with my spinal I had to lay flat on my back for 24hours. I was given ice chips on occassion but was not allowed to eat at all. In fact I was starved for three days before I was given any food. I had mean nurses at night. My ribs were fractured, I had bruises on my belly, on my arms and on my legs. My baby had complications from ABO incompatibility and had terrible jaundice, she was also bruised from the version and csection. She had bruises on her head and on her butt and back. When I wasn't out of my mind my OB proceeded to tell me how lucky I was that I had a healthy baby -- my uterus was deformed, a weird bicornuate, and that it was highly unlikely I would have more children and I would never have vaginal births.
There is so much more to my story than the above. I had PPD severely for nearly 9 months. I thought about ending my life. I did successfully breastfeed my baby however I suffered from PTSD. It took me nearly a year to recover. I had nightmares and panic attacks. When I had trouble getting pregnant and staying pregnant, it was an easy decision for me to adopt a child. I never wanted to experience another csection again. Ever. In this time I researched VBAC, Mullerian Anomalies, and joined ICAN. I am sure others have had better experiences with ICAN but for me it was just a stirring of the pot, more anger, more blame, etc and the "sure you can VBAC if you do x y and z".
I would hope that women listened to their bodies and not focus so much on their own ideals that they dismiss a bigger plan. My hope is that midwives will have open dialogue with their clients about cesarean births, not just to avoid them but that should they get transferred to a hospital that there are things they can request or ask for, barring no emergency situation, if they need a csection or choose one for whatever reason. My hope is that doctors will provide a safer, friendlier enviroment for those of who need, or choose to have cesareans. We should be able to get what we want and have as much contact with our babies as mothers who vaginally give birth. My hope is that doctors will support women who are good candidates for VBAC instead of worrying about their liability. All in all, I think a bridge needs to be built between the OB practices and the midwifer/birthcenter/homebirth practices until there is one, I am afraid its always going to be an us against them mentality or you are wrong and we are right. That doesn't benefit women at all, or their offspring.