Birth, is it more about me or the baby? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am 37 weeks pregnant and wanting only my dh and kids to be around me during delivery. My mother feels as if she MUST attend every one of her DDS births, she isn't there for support, but more to just see the birth and gossip about it to any and everyone later. She also wants to be the first to run out of the delivery room and tell the entire family what the baby looks like, how much she weighed, and how long, you know all the stuff that gets her some attention.

I just do NOT want her there. I dont feel comfortable with her there while Im pushing, I just can't explain why.

My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby. I have told my mother I don't want her there or any other family members that I don't want there, she says "It's NOT about YOU, this birth is about the BABY"

Also just the thought of ALL my sisters and their wild loud LOUD kids, my brother, my dad, and my mother in the waiting room just makes me feel anxious!!! I don't think I could feel good at all during labor if I knew they were all out in the waiting area raising a big rukus trying to get to the baby as fast as they can (believe me that's all their there for is to RUN FOR THE BABY!"

So am I an oddball?

my kids are 10, 7, and 4. i'm due any day now
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#2 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:19 PM
 
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You are certainly NOT an oddball. The thought of my mother, MIL, relatives of any sort, around me while I was in labour was not a pleasant thought. Thankfully, none showed any interest in being there because I would have had to put my foot down and say "NO WAY".

I don't feel that labour and delivery is ALL about the mom, nor ALL about the baby - it's a team effort. BUT, the mom is the one who is out there for all present to see and I feel that she should have a say in who is priveledge (sp?) to that.

Even if it were ALL about the baby - that baby is entitled to it's first moments in peace with it's mother and father, a serene, calm, loving welcome into this world.

There is ample opportunity for Grandma to be a presence in baby's life - being there at the delivery is NOT her right. She was there when her own children came into this world. Her right to be at a birth ended there.

Canadian mom to Boo (Aug '02), Bug (Aug '04) and Bear (Dec '06).
Jesse (July '09)
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#3 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:25 PM
 
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Tell your mom NO!! It is about you not her. Sorry but her chances to have those momments past when she had kids. Now it is all about you, your choices, and your baby.
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#4 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:29 PM
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You are not an oddball. I did not want anyone other than dh at my dd's birth. Write a birth plan and give it your birth care providers. Stipulate no visiters and have them make everyone wait outside until you are good and ready to see them. Warn them ahead of time when that will be. I told everyone they could come after dh called them and said dd was born. If anyone shows up early, the care givers must make them wait outside. Tell your mom that with a straight face, no excuses, just say it and be done with it. If she wants to argue, let her. There is no reason you have to argue back. Don't budge.

The birth is about you and your baby but you are in charge.

Where does your partner stand on all of this? You need backup.
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#5 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:30 PM
 
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Tell them after the baby is born. Or at least don't tell when labor starts.

Tell them the baby wanted it that way :LOL

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#6 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:33 PM
 
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It's about both. Your feelings are definitely important though I think it's perfectly okay to not call anyone you don't want there until after the baby is born.

-Angela
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#7 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:39 PM
 
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Well, if we have anymore children, they will be homebirths, so no one will be there unless we want them to be there!
I don't think you're weird for not wanting them there. I didn't mind that my *ex* step mom was in the room while I was pushing (which I thought that I would mind, but turns out I didn't!) and my dad was hiding behind the curtain, but I wouldn't have minded at all if he had watched either. But I did mind that I had a flood of people visiting afterwards. I hated it. I wanted to be alone with my dh and ds. But unfortunately I didn't have the nerve to ask anyone to leave, which I think contributed to the problems we had with our bfing relationship in the beginning.
Just don't tell them when labor starts, but if you can't avoid that, then at least don't tell them when you're going to the hospital. And don't be afraid to put your foot down. If I could do it all over again, I would've demanded people be in and out if they wanted to see the baby, no googly eyes! (Well, oK, they could have googly eyes, but only for a minute or two! :LOL )

dreads.gif and my man mischievous.gif. Momma to ds1 (11-'04) blahblah.gif, ds2 (8-'08) hammer.gif, dd (3-'12) orngtongue.gif, and Mr Blue, Chiyo, and Fireball, our 3 cat.gifnovaxnocirc.gif intactlact.gif uc.jpg

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#8 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:40 PM
 
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I wouldn't want her there either if that is her attitude about birth. Call her after you have the baby.

Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan dust.gifage8, Ava energy.gifage 4 and baby Georgia baby.gif (6/3/11).

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#9 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:47 PM
 
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Another vote for homebirth too. That way no one gets invited ahead of time and then it's your house so you can kick them out.

-Angela
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#10 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 04:48 PM
 
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She who owns the birthing vagina makes the rules. Period. Others may state their case and you may patiently listen, but your final statement is the rule. I have spoken (sound of gavel banging loudly)

Seriously, where do these people trying to barge in on you get off? I'm sure they got to decide about their own births, so why do they get to decide about yours? Sounds like a buncha contol freaks! If during labor they are making you uncomfortable, angry, upset, sad, etc it is going to affect how you labor and your baby. Do what YOU feel comfortable, what your gut, inner voice etc says. If you need help, ask the nurses, midwife, dh, anyone you trust who is very assertive to help reinforce your wishes and be your bodyguard. Sorry you have to deal with this!
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#11 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by its_our_family
Tell them after the baby is born. Or at least don't tell when labor starts.

Tell them the baby wanted it that way :LOL
I love that line!

It is about both. And family too. However, you get the final decision. It's YOUR labor. And your birth too! You are the one doing the work, you get to pick.
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#12 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:06 PM
 
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I agree with the pps. Birth is about, in descending order,
1. the baby
2. the mama
3. the daddy
4. requested birth attendants
5. other extraneous people (Grandma) who you may or may not invite, as the laboring mama sees fit.

I'd hate to have anybody there but my husband, and even he slept in the hospital bed while I labored on the birth-ball so Grandma certainly has no "right" to be there. She falls wayyyyy lower on the list than you!
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#13 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:11 PM
 
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If I had a family like that, I don't think I'd inform any of them when I went into labor!!!

Birth is about BOTH mother and child. What's healthiest for the baby is an unstressed mother who can focus on laboring, and avoid (or at least minimize) interventions. I think it's been documented that stressing out the mother can interfere with the progression of labor.

Then the baby NEEDS to bond with his/her mother and learn how to breastfeed. Passing the baby around to all the relatives immediately after the birth is NOT good for the baby- it's good for all the other relatives!!!

This birth is about YOU and the BABY- not Grandma, Grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, or friends!!!!!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#14 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:12 PM
 
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I don't understand her logic...it's all about the baby, so that means she HAS to be there. WHAT???

Tell her she's right, it's about the baby, and the best thing for the baby is to have a relaxed and calm mama. Therefore, you only want your DH and kids there. After all, too many people would mean it would be too loud "for the baby".
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#15 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:17 PM
 
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Can you just not call them until after you have the baby?


What she said!
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#16 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:17 PM
 
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Quote:
She who owns the birthing vagina makes the rules. Period.
I agree!

I would just not call them when you are in labor. If they are extra stubborn I would tell the nurse (if you are at a hospital) who you want to be there and who you do not and they will help keep them out for you.

If you are uncomfortable with the attendants I think it makes your labor worse because you cant focus properly on relaxation, etc.

My MIL tried this guilt trip crap last time and I said NO! She is trying it again this time. I said NO again. They havent even bothered to come visit the child we DO have but they want to be there for the birth? She said "likely I will never get to witness something like that." "Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."

Desiree

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#17 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:24 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DesireeH
"Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."
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#18 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:29 PM
 
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!!!! I agree with everybody else. The question is not, "is birth about the mother or the baby?" the question is, "is this birth about grandma?" which is very, very easy to answer.

No extra people at a birthing, it gums up the whole works.
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#19 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 05:39 PM
 
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Didn't anyone tell you that birth is for the entertainment of your family and has nothing to do with you?

(J/K)


Screw them, don't tell them when you go into labor. Tell them it went so fast....you didn't have time to call them!
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#20 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 06:55 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by townmouse
The question is not, "is birth about the mother or the baby?" the question is, "is this birth about grandma?" which is very, very easy to answer.
Here! Here!

If you do go for a hospital birth, let the nurses know you don't want her in there. The nurses at my hospital will be the "bad guys" for you.
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#21 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 07:05 PM
 
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Your baby's birth is the first gift you give your child. DO WHAT MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE and don't let ANYONE get in your way of that. My first birth was not optimal, but, the end result was the same. I was overwhelmed and felt really... well, overwhelmed!
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#22 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 07:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetangelbrynlie
I am 37 weeks pregnant and wanting only my dh and kids to be around me during delivery. My mother feels as if she MUST attend every one of her DDS births, she isn't there for support, but more to just see the birth and gossip about it to any and everyone later. She also wants to be the first to run out of the delivery room and tell the entire family what the baby looks like, how much she weighed, and how long, you know all the stuff that gets her some attention.

I just do NOT want her there. I dont feel comfortable with her there while Im pushing, I just can't explain why.

My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby. I have told my mother I don't want her there or any other family members that I don't want there, she says "It's NOT about YOU, this birth is about the BABY"

Also just the thought of ALL my sisters and their wild loud LOUD kids, my brother, my dad, and my mother in the waiting room just makes me feel anxious!!! I don't think I could feel good at all during labor if I knew they were all out in the waiting area raising a big rukus trying to get to the baby as fast as they can (believe me that's all their there for is to RUN FOR THE BABY!"

So am I an oddball?

My MIL has sort of the same attitude. Personally I think childbirth is about you, you're the one going through pain, you're the one going through this wonderful experience to bring a new life into the world, and it should be up to you who you want to be there to share the experience. If someone is going to damper the mood why have them there? this is your experience. if she only cares about seeing the baby she can come in after the baby is born and you've had a chance to hold the baby and bond for a little while.

During my pregnancy I knew I wouldn't want my MIL in the delivery room, she would just tell horror stories and drive me nuts. That's the last thing I needed. I didn't tell her anything but I discussed it with my dh and he agreed, we waited until after our dd was born to even call her and tell her I was in labor. I was in labor for 36 hours so I don't know how we pulled it off but we did. She was upset but she got over it quick enough and I loved my birth experience, aside from my dh complaining about how uncomfortable HE was grrr, I think next time I'll be keeping HIM out of the delivery room :LOL
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#23 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 07:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alkenny
Here! Here!

If you do go for a hospital birth, let the nurses know you don't want her in there. The nurses at my hospital will be the "bad guys" for you.
I second that, I had a hospital birth(couldn't get a midwife due to so many complications and a high risk pg) and I told all of the nurses just in case MIL got wind of my being in labor to not let her in. They even offered to have security throw her out if she tried :LOL just the visual of that helped me get through a lot of pain.
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#24 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 07:22 PM
 
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oh and you could also videotape the delivery so she could watch it later
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#25 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 07:52 PM
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No you're very normal.

Birth is NOT just about the baby but the mother, (and if present, father or other partner) and baby.

With my first my stupid horrible In laws ignored Dh's request to stay away and came loud and overbearing as these monsters are (they are no longer part of our lives for other reasons-Dh's choice) and my BIL and his then girlfriend now wife literally walked into my labouring room, thinking I'd had the baby...well in mid contraction I screamed "get that bitch out of here !". They all promptly left but had the nerve to hold that against ME for years...........Dh and I nearly split over the issue........until we sought counseling and learned how to make boundaries. Which we now have done.

My mom was to be there for dd#1 birth but I could NOT hack her whining worrying for my pains, so I sent her away too. Only Dh stayed and that was awesome.

With #2 last year we homebirthed, and I had my mom and sister there as well as 3 midwives...........full house (plus oldest dd) and it was a riot! My mom and sis still rave about being a part of such a miracle beautiful birth...and mom even videotaped! I was quite happy to have it all there like that.............but all in all EVERY birth was MY wishes followed................as it should be.

Be firm. State your wishes and if you have to ask the nurses to maintain order outside of your room (they will) and keep out those you wish.

Good luck!
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#26 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 08:06 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DesireeH
She said "likely I will never get to witness something like that." "Um, you had 6 kids, you should have asked for a mirror."
Just to play Devil's Advocate - she was most likely knocked unconscious against her will for the births. *Lots* of women were, often without their consent. Maybe this desire to be there for the birth is a reaction to that?
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#27 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 08:58 PM
 
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Another HELL NO you are NOT the oddball here. It is perfectly normal and expected that you don't want an audience when you're giving birth and I strongly suggest you don't tell a soul until its all over with. Please don't worry about offending anybody else. They'll get over it alot quicker then you and baby would get over a traumatic birth experience.
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#28 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 09:17 PM
 
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Don't even call them and then later tell them that you were so busy giving birth that it just slipped your mind.

Kristina in Kitsap County, WA
Doula, Student Midwife, Mama, Wife & More
http://redspiral.blogspot.com
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#29 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 09:23 PM
 
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My whole family feels that birth is ONLY about the baby, that the mothers feelings should not be heard or even thought of, that it is all about the baby.
I wouldn't have such insensitive people around. No way. While we can't control everything that happens during birth, you have every right to control this, and the more relaxed you are, the more smoothly the birth is likely to go. The more stress you have, the more adreniline/stress hormones you release, that can impact labor.

You are NOT selfish, you are WISE to listen to your gut feelings.

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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#30 of 49 Old 06-24-2005, 09:43 PM
 
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In the United States, by federal law (HIPAA ), your privacy is very much protected. If you request it, your hospital cannot even tell someone whether or not you are a patient at the facility. You can also instruct hospital personnel that you do not want to have any visitors admitted. Don't wait to tell the nurses when you get there - it might be too late. If you pre-register (like I did), you can include this information in those papers. In fact, I think the paperwork I completed even asked what I wanted. If you have any questions, call the admissions department at the hospital you plan to go to, and see if they can help you.

And I third (fourth? fifth?) the suggestion to not even let your mother or any other family member know you're in labor. Call them when you are ready to see them. If they cannot respect you and your needs at this time, they don't deserve any special treatment or notice.

Mama to DD : (7/23/03) & DS : (10/27/06) married to DH 7/20/01
and yet 90% more mainstream than the rest of MDC
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