Advice on trama from unwanted natural birth.... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 02:41 PM
 
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Hug

Congrats on your healthy new baby!

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic time in the hospital. It doesn't sound like you were respected or supported while you were in there. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to be forced into bed in late labor, and not be free to walk around or get into the most comfortable position!

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#32 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 03:30 PM
 
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this is such a beautiful birth story, sorry it wasn't what you planned- as for birthing with more grace, I am not sure that is always possible, it seems that you did resolve yourself in time to go with the flow and you knew what you wanted-- I sang with #2 he was born in 1 hr- 1/2 hr was spent in the car driving to the hospital-- singing really helped me- but trying to get people to pay attention or listen to me at the hospital was really stressful- when I buzzed and said the baby is coming they told me no , contractions weren't strong enough but someone did come in and decided I was right but did not just stop and help me there on that table they moved me to a gurney- which was really scary, and then to the table another scary moment where I though the baby would end up falling onto the floor -- everything became a scary blur and I did not like that. the burning helps you slow down so you wouldn't tear.
how I processed my first 2 hospital births was to have contact with other women and talk about my birth experience and the other thing I did was learn alot more about birth
I would also say that some of what you experienced would be called transition where the last bit of cervix goes away and the uterus changes gears to pushing contractions-- in many births this is can be the most disorienting and stressful time where women feel really out of control- sometimes a shower or getting into a birth tub can really help-- some sort of soothing change .
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#33 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 03:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Benji'sMom
ITA - I think you were caught in a situation where maybe it was too late to get an epi, and the staff should have offered you more support under the circumstances. But instead they just treated you like a machine, like Inca said. I know when my birth didn't turn out like I wanted, one thing that made it bearable was my Dr.'s support and respectful attitude. I'm sorry the staff didn't treat you more like a human being the way you deserved to be treated.
I have to agree. instead of just ignoring you, they could have prepared you for it, or offered you other options! Regardless, I agree with PP who said you can include yourself now as one BRAVE mama! So proud of you!
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#34 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 03:48 PM
 
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I am so sorry that you were treated that way. I think the whole thing was out of control & you must be reeling from ALL of it, I would be. But...yay for your DH for saying that!! Um, yeah, they could be all wrong, and in this case...well, they were WRONG on alot of levels!!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#35 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 03:49 PM
 
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I'm sorry it didn't go the way you planned.

My only thought would be to give yourself some space to imagine the other possibilities. As you well know, getting the epidural doesn't fix everything, perhaps if you reimagined her birth in a way where your needs were met, you would see some things that are the same in both stories and get comfort from that.

-- You go girl - no antibiotics, hepB, or VitK! You are a strong mama, especially since you gave birth in a military hospital.

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After 4 m/c, our stillheart.gif is here!

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#36 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 04:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by assenavadnama
I feel great for doing it, almost like Superwoman!
I always felt like for a couple of days after birth at home!!

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#37 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 04:38 PM
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I had an unwanted sort of natural birth as well (the anesthesiologist purposely screwed up the epi so it worked for about 20 minutes and then nothing and refused to check it or top it up) and I was mad about why it was "natural" (really I should say "without pain medication" but yeah) not so much that it was. After awhile, I was fine with it, and now I'm completely fine with it. I think you just need some time to absorb it all.

Long distance Mom to boarding school superstars E (9) and Layne (6).
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#38 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 05:34 PM
 
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I was very disappointed in my first birth, mainly because of the way the staff treated me. I finally wrote a strongly worded letter and sent it to the hospital. I never heard from them - but writing the letter gave me my "power" back, so to speak, and I felt so much better from that point on. Even if you write a letter and end up tearing it into bits, it might help you feel better about this.
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#39 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Anglyn
OMG! I thought I was the only one! I actually planned a natural birth with #3. My first baby, I read constantly, but unfourtunatley only mainstream stuff so I thought I was prepared. Back then I was very young and on medicade and they refused me the epi, just gave demerol in the IV, they broke my water very early and without my consent, they hooked me up to about five diffrent monitors tying me to the bed and on top of it all I had the flu and I was strapped down so I vomitted onto the floor as best I could lean over (after telling them I had to and being told to wait) and had diareah all over myself. It was horrible. Healing from the episiotomy was worse than the birth.

Fastforward 11 years and I had my second, I got the epi but made sure she broke the water herself. I had done some better research this time and I used some good coping skills early on, upright position, rocking, etc. but she had meconium staining. I had been promised no episiotomy unless necesary burt was given one again, without my consent or even knowledge. I healed better and faster, I think the cut wasnt as deep. I also suffered horribly from the aftercontractions, they took the epi away immediatly after birth and left the pitocin drip for hours. (They also left me alone all bloody and weak, thank god I had my family there). I asked my doc, next time can we skip the pitocin? He said no, standard procedure, everyone gets one. I really didnt want the pitocin. I watched the video, she was so limp and lifeless and they suctioned her forevery. My reserach, which I finally did in great deapth, told me that babies who arent suctioned actually have BETTER outcomes! And I found that the epi was probally responsible for the staining and for dd not wanted to nurse for weeks after birth.

So there I was with #3 and a midwife. Did I prepare? No, I thought well hell the pain didnt get bad, bad until right before the eip and it was only an hour or so after that that I had her so I can deal. I mean, I had the first with just demerol and that really didnt seem to do much for the pain, I can handle it.

I couldnt. And my midwives and dh were wonderful. I wouldnt let them break my water, thanks to my experiances with #1 so for an hour he tried to come down and couldnt, once I let them do AROM, he came within minutes. So the worst hour was avoidable, but live and learn, right? With my first they did the local before the episiotomy and with the second I had an epi so I never felt the actual birth. It is like being ripped in half. Once he was out, I just wanted to be left alone, I felt like a wounded animal. I kept waiting for that rush of endorphins I keep reading about. No. I was in shock, I took him and nursed him because I was suppose to, but I had no feelings beyond great relief that it was over and wanting to be left alone. The endorphin rush, the high feeling never came. I felt violated, I felt like great violence had been done, I felt betrayed that it wasnt this wonderful experiance that I keep reading about from others. I just knew I couldnt do it again. Yet I did heal amazingly quickly and easily. The baby was alert, healthy. I knew it was better. He was 10'6 and barely fit out, I have no doubt that in a hospital he would have been a csection becasue when I said "I cant" my midwives said "you can" but a hospital would have said "epidural" and at that point, I would have taken it and if he barely fit out when I was on all fours, no way he was coming out flat on my back. So I know it was better. But still I said "I cant do it again, I cant" to the point where I thought I didnt want that fourth child we had planned afterall.

I looked everywhere for someone who felt the same and could not find them. Everyone who had birth trauma had it from interventions and everyone who had natural loved it. So then I wondered what the heck was wrong with ME? I had ppd for the first time.

He is ten months old now and I just now think ok, yeah, I could have another baby, but Im still not sure I want to go through that pain then I feel guilty because I know its whats best for the baby. And really for me. I mean you trade that pain for a much easier and faster recovery time as well as an active alert baby. Also my sil just had a baby and talking to her reminds me of stuff, like her baby has jaundice and of course he had the vit k shot. My third was the only one of mine who had no shot and no jaundice. Coincidence? I think not.

But long story just to say God, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!! And to say, it does pass, you really do need time to process. I just now am starting to really feel good about it. Or at least not bad.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think you did an amazing job under the circumstances and you need to hear that, and believe it!

My third birth was a homebirth without interventions and I too was traumatized. It took me days to recover. I didn't get the endorphin high with that birth either. It was just so fast, I felt like I had been hit by a truck by the time the baby came out. It was horrible. I don't regret having him at home because at the hospital there wouldn't have been time for an epidural anyway, the labor was just an hour, and who knows what they could have possibly done to us at the hospital with the way DS's heart rate took a dive and never recovered between contractions toward the end. But that birth was sooooo different than my other ones. It was terrifying and terribly painful and I was totally out of control. With my other births, especially my other homebirth, I felt so calm and in control. And so wonderful afterwards. With this last one I felt horrible. I was stunned. It was nothing like I had expected.
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#40 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 06:16 PM
 
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Oh, but what I originally wanted to say was to the OP, I think your feelings are totally understandable. And if I were to take a guess, I think the feelings you have are way more because of how you were treated by the medical staff. I would feel totally defeated after an experience like that. You did so well considering those circumstances, you should be so proud of yourself!
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#41 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 06:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamajama

The process of giving birth felt, to me like walking a thin veil, for a while between life and death.
I remember before my first child's birth my friend wished me lucked in the "space between the worlds"...I'll never forget that.
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#42 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Last night was very long. Baby wanted to use me as a pacifier it seemed and hubby was little help as he was sleeping very hard. When I did get a chance to sleep it was so hard to calm my spinning mind. Could have been worse though.

I am so greatful to the advice I have been getting. I really need to learn more about homeopathy and where to get certain things for it. Clearly we are not loving the common medical world.

So I am not broken, just damaged. I know it was not the hospitals fault I did not get the Epi, it was my choice to wait so long to go in. The Dr could have been far more respectful though and there was no need for them to do the IV. I have a yucky 3 inch purple bruise. The worst about that though is remember what they put in it. Soon as they hooked it up they ran pitosin and even after baby was born they pushed two bags of it into me. No one ever asked me and clearly I did not need it. No wonder the after pains hurt so much. They where giving me flashbacks to the birth and I really was worried they would get terrible and some how go back to like they where near the end.

I would not change what I did before getting to the hospital though. I will forever be telling anyone that will listen about how important being ready to do things the hard way even when you plan the "easy" way with an EPI. The Dr was not good but he could have been worse by far, he could have put my legs up, told me how to push and breath. I hate that it felt like he was riping baby out of me, but I guess I am just greatful I did not have him and the nurses yelling at me. My poor hubby and friend where trying so hard to be supportive but they did not know what to do either.

I will be writing to the hospital about all this. First the Dr I saw in the morning should have checked me and not dismissed me when I said things felt odd. I will share my birth story with the hospital and they can do with it what they want.

I know where I stand though. I know that even if it was planned natural, I could have felt out of control and that if ever in the future I am pregnant I need to prepair myself and my support. I know that I do not need a Dr to pull baby out of me or order me to a bed or put an IV in me. They made things worse not better.

Next time I will have songs planned so we do not end up seeing a Jewish Hebrew song that has something to do with sex durring the delivery. Its a fun song, Dodi-li. LOL But really I could have picked something more empowering and less silly. Maybe something more pagan as I am Wiccan. I love the UU Church, so many friends of all faiths and we all share such love and support for one another. Not any of them thought I was nuts for wanting to be at church while in labor. I think I cry as I know what support really is thanks to them and saw none of it from the hospital staff when I really needed it.

So many birth storys, so much support here. Thank you. It is going to take me a while to feel it all out and find out where I fit and how best I can heal. Others have been hurt too and got over it. It is like a gift from the Goddess, a kind of forgetting about the hard parts and joy about the wonderful blessing of the births we have, even the hard ones. I just need not let the fears over take me.

I hope I do not get PPD, if I do, I will not be going near a Dr but rather searching as far as needed for someone wise with better medicine for my spirit too.

Blessings,
Kontessa

P.S. Please no one take my faith talk as me thinking I know it all. I could always be wrong, my faith is just what feels right to me and I think it could really be of help as soon as I can get to thinking more clearly again.

Army wife to wonder hubby. Mama to 4 and Surrogate mother x2.: Zoey Born 5/7/2010
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#43 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 06:47 PM
 
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Congratulations on your new baby!

My homebirth ended up being traumatic and I was in shock for a while afterwards. My midwife ended up not being available to stay with me and her back up was burying her brother that day and could not come. Her assistant came to be with me during labor (but the midwife asked that when it was time to come to the hospital where she is on call on the day of the week that ds decided to come on...!...) My labor did not go smoothly - persistant posterior, so much back pain, feeling uncomfortable that the midwife wasn't with me, worried about my dh stressing about it all - but I felt like the babe was ok so I stayed home. Luckily the assistant kept in touch with the back up (who is an incredible direct entry midwife) and she came as soon as the funeral was over and helped me get my great big, sunny side up baby out. The trauma from that great pain and being abandoned in labor took me many months to work through.

But I focused on my healthy baby, being so proud of what I had done under the circumstances and being so thrilled that when it was all over I could just lay back and be in my own bed. So, focus on what did go right, try some homeopathy and accupuncture, write about it and enjoy your baby. Best of luck, you'll be in my thoughts.

Emily
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#44 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 07:06 PM
 
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I think anytime birth doesn't go as you imagined it might, it could be traumatic. My last birth, while very empowering, WAS a bit traumatic b/c it was so incredibly fast! I'd recommend reading Birthing From Within and trying some of her art therapy exercises. That might help you uncover what exactly about the experience hurt you the most, and help you work through it - whether or not you ever have another baby again. It sounds to me that had you *planned* for an unmedicated birth AND been in a truly supportive environment, then that would have spun the whole experience from traumatic to empowering. I'm so sorry that you didn't find the kind of support you needed and deserved by the hospital staff. Sounds to me like you did an amazing job! And your story just re-enforces the idea that every birthing woman should be prepared to labor w/o pain meds as most all of us will at least for some point during labor. Had they "let" you get off your back I'm certain labor would have been much more tolerable. I think you did an amazing job! Oh, and after both my births so far (which were actually very good homebirth experiences) I felt only relief, not particularly joy. I think that's probably more common than people care to admit. It's a very tough thing to go through, but you did it!

Mama to four remarkable kiddos, all born at home.
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#45 of 56 Old 11-25-2005, 07:57 PM
 
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Congrats on your new little one.

With my first, I fully planned on epidural. I was in the hospital from 32 weeks b/c my water broke. At 35 1/2 weeks, we were going to induce in the morning, but I started feeling cramps. Cramps got worse, I asked for epidural, jokingly, b/c I never thought I was in labor. About 1/2 hr later, they checked me and I was 6 cm, 80% effaced.

They moved me to labor/delivery and I wanted epidural, but had to wait for IV, etc. They got in right away, but couldn't place it, so had to get the anesthelogist to do it. Once they got it in, they checked me again and I was 8 cm- too late for the epi. So, I felt like I was on a roller coaster- 'ok, I guess it's all me'. She was born 2 hrs after I started feeling those cramps. Doc almost didn't make it and I was so proud of myself after. Everyone thought I was nuts with my next 2- that I wanted to do it natural b/c I knew I could.

It seems like your docs/nurses don't quite know how to handle a mom who doesn't have an epi and it seems like they were treating you horribly, like they were going to do what they needed to, regardless of what you wanted. At that far along, why on earth was it necessary to mess with the IV? Obviously, you were fine and things were going along. I'd write as much as you can to work through your feelings and figure out what is bothering you most. This place is a great place to work through feelings.

I'm so sorry you had a bad experience- this is supposed to be the happiest time ever, now you're just thinking back with bad feelings. Try to remember the good as you work through the bad.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#46 of 56 Old 11-26-2005, 10:12 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kontessa
Next time I will have songs planned so we do not end up seeing a Jewish Hebrew song that has something to do with sex durring the delivery. Its a fun song, Dodi-li. LOL But really I could have picked something more empowering and less silly. Maybe something more pagan as I am Wiccan. I love the UU Church, so many friends of all faiths and we all share such love and support for one another. Not any of them thought I was nuts for wanting to be at church while in labor.

Since your OP says your friends sang you a church song, I figured you were religious. So then I was surprised to see that you referred to the song "Dodi Li" as a "silly song ... that has something to do with sex."

Dodi li ... means my beloved is for me ... va'ani lo ... and I am for him.

Kind of sweet for an intense moment like childbirth, but maybe that's just me.



It is specifically a quote from Song of Songs. You know, the Biblical Song of Songs. Song of Solomon. We Jewish folks call it Shir HaShirim. In Hebrew, that is. So, well, yeah, I guess it is about sex. Admittedly, can't speak to the tune it was sung to, as to whether or not that was silly, though.






Sorry you had so many difficulties with your birthing. Blessing you to all have a sweet life together.
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#47 of 56 Old 11-27-2005, 03:04 AM
 
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Well, since you have had a baby with no epidural, and need to have more control of the environment than that hospital obviously gave you, why not have the next one at home? I think you did a beautiful job, especially going to choir practice, and singing during transition--you are awesome. I am sorry your hospital staff was so insensitive. They really should have said something earlier. However, you did it! By yourself! You really birthed your own baby out of your own vagina out of your own power! You rock! You listened to your instincts as much as you were able to do, despite the hospital's cut and dried cattle machine! Short labors are often very intense, and this possibility needs to be reckoned with. But you did a great job, and I pray your emotional healing and coming to terms with the situation comes quickly, so you can enjoy your baby more. You did great, you really did! That's a winner in my eyes!
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#48 of 56 Old 11-27-2005, 05:16 PM
 
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Kontessa,
I was so moved by your post. I didn't actually read the whole thread, but I just wanted to tell you to keep writing and processing your birth.

Childbirth can be really scary feeling especially if you do not encounter a lot of support or what you expected.

Its okay to feel unhappy with your birth experience. Find supportive people to talk to and work it out however you need to.

It sounds like you did an amazing job despite your lack of support and how scared you must have been.
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#49 of 56 Old 11-28-2005, 03:07 AM
 
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I agree with Amy (merpk), what a beautiful, sweet song, intensely about what got you there in the first place. Maybe kind of private for the hospital....

mv
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#50 of 56 Old 11-28-2005, 03:28 AM
 
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I'm sorry that you had such a rough time. No matter how anyone else feels, it is your decision how you birth and that shouldn't have been taken from you. You have a right to grieve-and a need to. I had a natural birth by choice, but I prepared for it. I felt all those same things you were feeling, the out of control and the pain with no room for thought. It can be a scary thing. I read Birthing from Within while pregnant and so I ws prepared to feel out of control. You might try reading it and doing some of the exercises from a retrospective viepoint to help heal from your birth. Good luck to you!

Jessica, mama to Emma, 7, Mattie, 5.5 and Lilly, 3 and someone new this Halloween-ish.

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#51 of 56 Old 11-28-2005, 04:59 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lou
Mama, here are my thoughts. Having a natural birth is truly intense. It is powerful! It is primal!! We are not always 'allowed' to be powerful, to be primal, and to let go of control. Each of my birth experiences truly transformed me as a person. I feel that when we truly experience birth with all its power and pain, then we touch something within us that is lying dormant within- our true selves.

You DO need time to process your birth experience. You DO need time to be with your baby, your miracle of life. You DO need time to be with yourself, with the knowledge that you let go of your control and came through it with new strength and consciousness.

It sounds like you had a beautiful birth, a powerful birth filled with singing, joy, and laughter. You will look back on this and be filled with the knowledge that you birthed your beautiful baby with all your strength and that you were brave, that you ARE brave.

Every time I think of my daughters' births, I still intensely feel an all encompassing love and awareness of my power, of the power of the woman, of the power of life and birth. Birth is truly intense. Embrace it!

beautiful!!

In love with Dh since 1998. We created Ds (7.1.03), Dd (10.16.06) and Dd (3.16.09).
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#52 of 56 Old 11-28-2005, 05:53 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Kontessa]. The Dr could have been far more respectful though and there was no need for them to do the IV. I have a yucky 3 inch purple bruise. The worst about that though is remember what they put in it. Soon as they hooked it up they ran pitosin and even after baby was born they pushed two bags of it into me. No one ever asked me and clearly I did not need it. No wonder the after pains hurt so much. They where giving me flashbacks to the birth and I really was worried they would get terrible and some how go back to like they where near the end.


Kontessa, I wanted to comment that it is possible that the first bag had pit in it but the other bags probably didn't unless you had some signs or symptoms of hemorrhage... after pains are usually worse the increasing number of pregnancies you have.
I think that for me , it is the attitude and behavior of the medical folk in the hospital more than anything else that bothers be-- I could never imagine, anticipate the varied ways these people would behave I have rarely been surprise with gentle,kind, respectful actions more often it is some pet routines, personalities that are strange, stressed and/or power-tripping. --- once I had occasion to talk to the patient advocate and I felt like a hostile witness on Perry Mason.
Someone else recommended a letter of complaint, I would suggest several CC (copies) sent to hospital administration, nursing supervisor, dr's office and your insurance company come to mind
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#53 of 56 Old 11-28-2005, 06:59 PM
 
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ITA with Inca and the other pp who suggested your feelings about the birth might have been different if you had been treated right. This might sound like a small thing, but it really does make a huge difference. That is one of the reasons it sounds so weird to homebirthers to be told they are brave for not going to the hospital. I truly believe the hospital creates pain. You still have pain at home, but it is much easier to cope when you are supported in doing what comes naturally rather than being made to feel like a freak.

Also, I wonder if you are feeling embarrassed about being out of control towards the end. ITA with reader that this is completely normal when you are going through transition and not a sign of inadequacy on your part. My last labor was an hour and 45 minutes and very intense. When I was going through transition I was saying things like "I don't know what to do!" and "it hurts!" and "I'm afraid!" It made a huge difference to be in a supportive environment during this, which every woman deserves and should have.

I wish hospitals gave better support to women who don't have pain meds. I think all L&D nurses should have doula-type training so they have a better idea of what kinds of things are helpful. I also think homebirth should be more accessible.

Congratulations on the baby and good for you for birthing that little babe under difficult circumstances! And how awesome that you were able to keep your head about you and advocate for the newborn procedures you wanted despite the negativity of the environment and what you had just been through. Your DH sounds cool!
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#54 of 56 Old 11-30-2005, 01:47 AM
 
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It may be too soon after delivery to even think of handling labor again. I know that after the births of mine the pain stayed with me for a long time after. And the thought of it made me shudder. But that does fade.

I think you did well and I wish the hosp had been more supportive for you.

~Shannon~ Proud Mama of 3 girls, ages 7,4, and 2.
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#55 of 56 Old 11-30-2005, 02:20 AM
 
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Congratulations on your baby! I agree with the pp's - I think you did beautifully. And I also agree that hospitals and most OB's are not prepared to deal with natural childbirth. They seem to be clueless about supporting a laboring mother without pain meds. I'm sorry that you didn't get the support that you needed.

The hospitals in our area have a 98% epidural rate, so I knew that the staff would most likely consider me "one of those" freaks for not wanting one. I chose a homebirth with dd partly because I didn't want to have to fight for my way.

Both of my babies came fast, and there were times that I felt out of control. I had a doula with me with ds (induced hospital birth) and she helped me immensely. I chose to have a homebirth with dd. Having experienced a natural birth helped me with that decision. I was only in active labor with her for 2 1/2 hours.

With dd, trying to slow down was the most difficult part. My midwife's assistant was helping me while I tried not to bear down. Even though my perception was that I was careening out of control, my dh tells me that I did everything that my midwife's assistant coached me to do.
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#56 of 56 Old 12-05-2005, 12:01 AM
 
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Hi,
I'm sorry, I didn't read this whole thread. Your story was so captivating and unusual. My first labor was in the hospital and the pain was so intense, and I was stuck on the bed, and I was screaming for interventions but my CNM would have none of it (I am beyond thankful now). Out popped the baby and she was so beautiful. I got over the labor quickly, I had really wanted a natural one, but I couldn't imagine ever doing that again.
My next birth was at home. So much more peaceful. It was primal and I was totally in touch with myself.
Of course, I don't know if you care about my story at all, but yours inspired me and I had to type.
I'm sorry that you are so conflicted but I am happy that your baby was born without medical interventions.
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