MIL wants to hold the baby within minutes of birth - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 99 Old 11-16-2006, 04:24 AM
 
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You are not being unreasonable! It's your birth and you can choose whatever and whoever you want to be present. You can be tactful and gentle with your words and let people know they won't be at the labor and birth. I think a lot of people now believe that labor is just a big party and of course they are welcome! Hello! Only dh was present at our birth and it was so special that way. A lot of my relatives kept saying they were going to show up at the birth with a bucket of fried chicken and party! maybe they were joking but I was hugely pregnant and it sure wasn't funny to me! Can you imagine the smell of fried chicken while your birthing? Eewww!
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#62 of 99 Old 11-16-2006, 04:24 AM
 
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#63 of 99 Old 11-16-2006, 11:30 AM
 
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What?! : That is completely unreasonable. And so bizarre that she would bring it up in advance. It truly makes me sad that she missed out on that experience herself, but she should still know better than to feel entitled to hold your baby immediately after birth. I mean, everyone wants to hold newborns, but no one should actually feel like they have the right to ask or assume that they actually can!
The only person who held my daughter during her first 24 hours was my mom, when I went to the bathroom and such. Not even the other people(doula, sister, best friend) who were with me all through labor and birth. Not even my dad who came right after.

Definitely talk to your husband about it and get him on board with you, and make an agreement that he will intervene if his mother expresses her wishes to hold the baby after he/she is born. You shouldn't have to worry about it or defend your desire to not let her hold your newborn. :
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#64 of 99 Old 11-16-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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I was in labor for 37 hours. It started getting serious Saturday night and the baby wasn't born till Monday morning. I got very little sleep on Saturday night, and none at all from about 4am Sunday morning until sometime on Monday.

All my plans for not letting anyone near my baby but me went out the window. I was just too exhausted. I held her, she nursed, she fell asleep, my midwives took her for the weighing and measuring and whatnot, swaddled her up and handed her to my husband. I got in the shower and cleaned myself off. I was still in the shower when my parents and inlaws got there, and they all lived about an hour away. So my initial bonding time with my daughter was, obviously, less than an hour.

Dd slept theh whole day away, in my MIL's arms. DH and I slept the whole day away, too.

MIL changed her first diaper, MIL taught DH how to change her diaper , MIL rocked her in my rocking chair, etc etc etc

At the time, I was grateful that MIL was there to take her so I could sleep.

Looking back, she was sleeping anyway, and she should have been sleeping WITH ME.

Because of my previous experience, I am seriously considering not letting anyone even know I'm in labor the next time around. Except maybe my brother. Although, I will need to arrange for someone to be there to care for Dd. It won't be my MIL though,

Tell your MIL to go take a hike. And tell her that if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't need to be there at all. Humph.

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#65 of 99 Old 11-17-2006, 02:02 PM
 
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I would set up my boundaries now if I were you. I'm still not over dd being ripped away from me after my emergency c-section (I waited two hours to hold her). The next day, the IL's came and they all left as I was left in recovery alone. I've forgiven dh, but I'll never ever forget this pain, kwim? Please guard you're right to bond with your baby; if not, it might leave scars. A baby is meant to stay with momma.
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#66 of 99 Old 11-17-2006, 03:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by rose_bud79 View Post
I think a lot of people now believe that labor is just a big party and of course they are welcome! Hello!
I agree! When I told my friend that I planned on homebirthing she said that she would "probably come and hang out" while I was in labor. But once I "got naked" she would be outta there. :

I agree with most of the other mama's on here who say that the baby NEEDS to be with you right after birth. You need to talk to MIL and DH now, bc once the baby comes you will most likely not have the energy to start up a fight with MIL. Good luck!
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#67 of 99 Old 11-17-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jazzharmony View Post
But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ?
Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.

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#68 of 99 Old 11-21-2006, 05:30 PM
 
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OP you are NOT being unreasonable. Guard your time with your new baby rabildy....

Frankly after what happened the last time I gave birth neither my mom or MIL will know when I have the baby, which will be tricky because I will have a c/s. The hospital where I go to has the recovery occuring in the mom's hospital room. I unfortunately did not have this problem as DD went to the NICU, something I knew would happen after the birth. That said, I was the first to hold DD. Mom, sis, MIL and DH of course all went to see her, but I was the first to hold her. I made this clear to DH and he agreed. Not sure how I can get away with forgetting to tell my mom or MIL about scheduled major surgery, but that's another post.
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#69 of 99 Old 11-22-2006, 12:32 PM
 
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Such a great thread - thanks for starting it.

I will jump on the consensus train and say 'no' - you are Definitely not being unreasonable.

My problem was not with my mother in law - who, often steps lightly when it comes to me - she's polite and respectful, most of the time. (We wont get into how she gave my 3 month old deep fried french fries to suck on )
Anyways - she lives 6 hours away - she can't step on too many toes.


The problem was - my mother.
Note that my mother was very very detached as I grew up, we had an awful relationship - she had a lot of resentment towards me - (but luckily, I had a fantastic nanny.)
My mother suffers from many forms of depression and benzo/opiate addiction (also note that she is a therapeutic counselor, with the specialty of getting people help for addictions. irony.)



I've had a few run ins with her relating to my son.

First - she assumed she would be in the delivery room - cried on many occassions in public, when arguing that she would not. Also, she felt that she deserved to 'catch' the child.
After which had been established, she made the statement she would then be outside of door, and when the baby had been born - she would rush in to greet it, hold it as the umbilical cord would be cut, and bond with the baby.

Her argument was, "you have the rest of your life to bond with the baby."
Hah. I tried to explain with her, that it was her - that had the rest of the babies life to bond.

Ah - such things can be so hard to try to get across to my mother.


My mother also smokes, and would insist on holding my 2 day old son after coming inside from a cigarette break. Call me a cig-bigot, but I would adamently refuse her to be anywhere near him.

I actually got into a huge fight with her, and my partner - actually, about it all.


My mother knew when I was laboring, unfortunately, as it was induced - I made it clear that she would not be in the hospital when I had my son - she finally succumbed. I found out later that she called the nurse station every half an hour to check my progress. Claiming that she was my mother and deserved to know. I'm still kind of ticked that they gave her such information without my consent and knowledge - granted, she is my mother - but as I have said, we do not have the relationship that many mother/daughters have.


Anyways - you must set your boundries, they may resent it - but they will learn to respect you as a mother if you are very strong about your convictions.
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#70 of 99 Old 11-22-2006, 04:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post
Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.
Ummm, try 1970's.

My DH's mom was OUT for the birth of her only child, and never saw a birth until she was present (quietly and respectfully) for the birth of our second child. I'm grateful for her sake she is the kind of person who could have that kind of relationship with us. It was very special for all of us having her there, and she told people she was "in awe" of me, how I birthed DD. If she had pulled any "I'm going to hold the baby first" stuff she'd have been OUT. Thankfully she knows there is a difference between mommy and not-mommy.
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#71 of 99 Old 11-22-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Mama Poot;6518595]It could very well be detrimental to your newborn infant to be held by ANYONE but you, not only in the minutes after birth but in the first WEEK. QUOTE]

I'm confused. Can you explain this statement please? What possibly is detrimental about a nb being held by another person? What about adopted babies where the mom doesn't hold the baby at all?

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#72 of 99 Old 11-22-2006, 08:49 PM
 
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*Sigh*
Moms and mil's can be so hard to deal with. OP, you are most definitely not being unreasonable, it is always the pg mama's right to have the birth experience that makes her feel comfortable as is best for baby and mama. I have an annoying step-mother that I had to deal with while pg. For some reason, she thought she would be present at the birth, with my father. I couldn't imagine anything more horrifying happening during my labor. I am NOT close to either of these people, and I was really offended that she tried to move in on my birth. I told her that they were not invited, and they insisted we call them when I went into labor. Not. I did, however, invite them to the hospital the next morning. ITA the pp who's mom or mil reeked of perfume. That's how my step-mom is. She also kept taking flash photos of ds, and pouted when we asked her to stop. : I had an mil situation soon after birth that I regret. Mil came out only 3 days or so after ds was born. She was holding ds constantly, and I ended up getting really aggro and crying over it. Poor dh had to run between our home and the hotel and try to keep both me and his mom happy. Anyhoo...I think some people just lose their minds when it comes to birth and babies, and get really excited at the prospect of seeing a birth. But to actually take the step to invite themselves is gross and rude :

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#73 of 99 Old 11-22-2006, 08:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by FreeThinkinMama View Post
She's just the type who tries to take over, is extremely baby-crazy and to top it all off she annoys me with all her mainstream advice (she's pro-circ, anti-bf'ing etc)
How the heck can anybody be anti-bf'ing?? Frankly I don't see how anyone could be pro-circ either, but anti-bf'ing?? Ai yi yi!

Anyhoo, I would tell my MIL to jump in a lake if she thought she was going to be anywhere near me when my babies were born. Ick. But I had a question... you mentioned your MIL watching your DD while you went to the hospital, so if you're having a hospital birth, won't your MIL be at home with your DD? If so, how could she hold the new baby within minutes?

At any rate, have only skimmed through the first page or so of posts, sorry if this is a repeat of what a PP said, but I wouldn't make an issue of this with MIL now, just do what you want when the time comes and make sure you and Dh are in agreement that when it gets down to it, nobody but you and he hold the new babe.

All the best to you and your family!
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#74 of 99 Old 11-23-2006, 10:27 PM
 
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Some US moms were also knocked out at least until the late 50's, possibly 1960's too.
I don't know if she was totally knocked out of what, but my mother doesn't remember giving birth to me at all in 1976.

And I'll reiterate what everyone else said--you don't want anyone around who isn't going to completely abide by your wishes and who isn't going to be flexible enough to know that your wishes may change. Hold on tight to your new babe--no one needs to be with him/her other than you and your husband.
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#75 of 99 Old 11-23-2006, 11:06 PM
 
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Ummm, try 1970's.
My sister was born in 1975 & my mother planned to ASK to be knocked out...sis came too fast though!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#76 of 99 Old 11-23-2006, 11:11 PM
 
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No time to read all the posts, but NO FREAKING WAY.

Are you birthing at home?? Then simply dont call anyone when the baby comes . Or when you're in labor.

We did it...after ds, we absolutely no one on the face of the earth knew he had been born except for me and dh, and the midwife who arrived about 40 mins pp to check us out.

It was amazing, and I wouldnt trade for anything.
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#77 of 99 Old 11-26-2006, 07:43 PM
 
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But wasn't that only happening in America in the 1930s and 1940's ? I was born in 1971 and my mother was certainly awake- in fact she gave birth naturally.

My MIL was also fully aware and awake when she birthed her kids in 1969 and 1970.

My father's mother was knocked out (1930s) My mother's mother homebirthed her kids (all born in the 1920s - 1940s)

Although I find it really strange and can't even comprehend being knocked out to give birth my mother was for both of my older sisters births (in the 60's & 70's). With me in 1980, she did Lamaze and had me totally naturally.

To the OP--there is no way I would let her hold the baby that soon. I never wanted any family (other than DH) in the room when I had the babies or even right afterwards. I just wanted us to bond as a family first. Sorry you are going through this!
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#78 of 99 Old 11-27-2006, 08:06 PM
 
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Go to this Midwifery Today article:

http://tinyurl.com/yfhyrb

Be sure to read perspective #6 that talks about how the baby's gut becomes colonized right after birth. Another good reason for only mama and papa to hold the baby right after birth.
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#79 of 99 Old 11-27-2006, 08:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SharonAnne View Post
I was in labor for 37 hours. It started getting serious Saturday night and the baby wasn't born till Monday morning. I got very little sleep on Saturday night, and none at all from about 4am Sunday morning until sometime on Monday.

All my plans for not letting anyone near my baby but me went out the window. I was just too exhausted. I held her, she nursed, she fell asleep, my midwives took her for the weighing and measuring and whatnot, swaddled her up and handed her to my husband. I got in the shower and cleaned myself off. I was still in the shower when my parents and inlaws got there, and they all lived about an hour away. So my initial bonding time with my daughter was, obviously, less than an hour.

Dd slept theh whole day away, in my MIL's arms. DH and I slept the whole day away, too.

MIL changed her first diaper, MIL taught DH how to change her diaper , MIL rocked her in my rocking chair, etc etc etc

At the time, I was grateful that MIL was there to take her so I could sleep.

Looking back, she was sleeping anyway, and she should have been sleeping WITH ME.

Because of my previous experience, I am seriously considering not letting anyone even know I'm in labor the next time around. Except maybe my brother. Although, I will need to arrange for someone to be there to care for Dd. It won't be my MIL though,

Tell your MIL to go take a hike. And tell her that if she can't respect your wishes, she doesn't need to be there at all. Humph.
Sharone Anne and I were in the same DDC, my first labor was identical to hers described here. We did the same timeline and everything, mine was 48 ish hours.

I remember when i birthed my dd, I was so numb and exhausted, and still when she was born, I snapped at the midwife" Gimme that syringe!!" because she needed suctioning, and then just laying on the bed and wanting to be covered up.

My parents came in at 20 mins pp for about 5 mins, and then left . They didnt try to touch her, they just kissed us, and left.

My mil didnt see her until she was 5 days old.

Like i previously posted, I just dont tell anyone i'm in labor!
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#80 of 99 Old 11-28-2006, 07:50 PM
 
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This topic gets me real fired up, probably because my mother is a real baby hog / possessive grandma. She is constantly demanding to hold my babies, babysit them, keep them overnight, take them with her. I make excuses about her improper carseats and she just doesn't take the hint.

We didn't have a lot of time to tell people I was in labor (only 12 hours) and only 3 from the time we realized she really WAS coming. We got a friend of mine to come watch ds at the birth center, and SIL came as soon as she could (moments after dd's birth) to keep him for the night. I had made it clear that no one was invited to come visit (a plane ride away ) until she was a week old. My SIL didn't even hold dd until she was months old, because we don't see each other often.

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#81 of 99 Old 11-28-2006, 10:16 PM
 
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You need to do what you need to do for you and your baby, first and foremost. You shouldn't feel guilty AT ALL!

My parents are 30 miles away, and I'm still making them wait a good 24 hours or so before they visit. (And I am very close and comfortable with them).

My MIL and SIL live across the country and they won't be visiting for a few months, at the earliest. And even then they're staying in a hotel.

Happily parenting our snuggly wild child since 2007 and her little brother since 2011!

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#82 of 99 Old 11-29-2006, 01:24 AM
 
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Here's a real gem from my MIL:

"You've been holding him for 9 months...once he's born, it's my turn!" :

(Luckily this was said to my SIL and not me).
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#83 of 99 Old 12-01-2006, 06:29 PM
 
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: That request just seems so bizarre.. Stand your ground, mama. Don't be bullied by her.:

 Mama to my tribe
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#84 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 03:11 PM
 
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I am a non-confrontational person most of the time but there are a few things about which I am fully confident standing my ground. This is one of them.


Dear Abby had a fantastic response to a woman whose MIL wanted to be present at the birth and the DH didn't understand why this was a problem. She advised the woman to say, "I will let your mother watch me give birth if you will change a car tire naked while my father watches you."
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#85 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 03:19 PM
 
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Dear Abby had a fantastic response to a woman whose MIL wanted to be present at the birth and the DH didn't understand why this was a problem. She advised the woman to say, "I will let your mother watch me give birth if you will change a car tire naked while my father watches you."
:
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#86 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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I imagine now that we live closer to my in-laws they will want to see that baby right away.

I told dh I get to decide when they come see the baby.

I may however be giving birth 800 miles away unless we like a mw we will be interviewing later this month.

800 miles distance would take care of the problem.

For some reason people just don't understand that a new family needs time to be quite rest, relax and just enjoy the new one without entertaining a troop of people.
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#87 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 04:38 PM
 
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I agree that it's up to the parents when anyone else should get to hold the kid, but I guess I don't understand the resistance to letting close family hold the baby soon after birth, if you have a good relationship with them. After my c/s, I was the first person (besides nurses, etc.) to hold my son, but my FIL, MIL, and both SILs all held him for a few minutes within the first couple hours after birth. I was tired and in pain, and I definitely didn't mind having other people hold him while I rested.
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#88 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 04:46 PM
 
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sorry--don't have time to read all 5 pages of advice, so this might be redundant. i don't know where you are having the birth, but could you talk to your midwife or nurse and ask if someone could help explain to your MIL that you need to maximize your skin-to-skin contact for as long as possible after the birth? that way, an unrelated person can be the bad guy, allowing you to focus on the blissful experience you deserve!

good luck!
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#89 of 99 Old 01-20-2007, 09:32 PM
 
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Maybe she wasn't really thinking about what she was saying, and just expressing her excitement and love. If she was serious, she may need someone to explain that you don't want that. Things were done differently when she had children. If she is pushy and will make you uncomfortable, than I'd consider having her not be at the birth.
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#90 of 99 Old 01-21-2007, 03:19 AM
 
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you're completely reasonable.

with my first child they took him from me immediately to "clean him up" then passed him around the room to everyone else. I didnt touch my own child for almost 45 minutes and I will never forgive any of them for it.

so dont feel like you're being mean at all.
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