MIL wants to hold the baby within minutes of birth - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 09:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?
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#2 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 09:38 AM
 
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Are you planning for her to be present at the birth? That sounds like a really weird expectation to me, to hold the baby "within minutes". No one held my son besides me for at least the first hour. Then it was just DH holding him. At some point the midwife briefly checked him out and weighed him, but she really kept her handling to a minimum, and it was only after he'd had an opportunity to nurse and be cuddled by both me and DH.
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#3 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 09:55 AM
 
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This is why nobody is invited to the birth at my house, LOL! We don't have visitors (and that includes blood relatives and IL's) for 24+ hours. I would like it to be several days, but that is the compromise with dh. My MIL wants to be at the birth, it KILLS her that I won't let her know that I am even in labor and only call after the baby is here. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! Are you birthing in a hospital? Will your MIL be present?
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#4 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 09:59 AM
 
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Wow. Why on earth would she think that's ok??

Maybe she was just expressing how anxious she is to get her hands on that sweet little grandbaby? Surely she can't be serious!

Are you planning on inviting her to your birth?

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#5 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 10:03 AM
 
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I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?

Why on Earth would she be at the birth? I mean, unless you are very close and want her there.

Tell her no, she will not be holding the baby within a few minutes of the birth. She will hold YOUR baby when you say it is okay.

You can avoid this by not calling for several hours after the birth.
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#6 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 10:43 AM
 
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If she is serious, then that sounds intensely personal to me. It is as if she does not respect you or your boundaries. However, if she is just overjoyed and it was more of an outloud wishful thinking, then no harm done.

It depends on your relationship. If you are very, very close to MIL and want her to be there with you and DH to share in the entire birth, maybe even catch your baby.... then great. Go for it. If your relationship is friendly but not that intimate, then I would not even inform her when you are birthing. Call her several hours after the birth, at the point when you can say "Gee, it would be nice if MIL was here to see the new babe." And remember, this is your babe and DH, this is your family. Don't let her make you feel guilty for that.
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#7 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 11:30 AM
 
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NO - you aren't being unreasonable! Geez...tell her when it's time for her to hold the baby you will let her know. :

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#8 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:14 PM
 
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No one but me holds my babes until I feel like handing them over to DH. I held dd2 for a 1+ hours before I felt like parting with her for a minute, and it was just a minute.

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#9 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:18 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeThinkinMama View Post
I'm due in January and today while I was talking to my MIL on the phone she mentioned that she expects to hold the baby within the first few minutes of his birth. I would like to concentrate on bonding, skin to skin contact and trying to breastfeed asap. I think there's plenty of time for her to hold the baby later. Am I being unreasonable?
No!
I had an emergency csection and really didn't get to hold my daughter well into her first day of life. Everyone held her but me, including my MIL and mother, and many many more people. It still pisses me off that my baby was passed around like a football while I lay barely conscience and in terrible pain.
So when we had our second biological child (our third child) I made it very clear that no one but my husband could hold him until I did. The same went with my last child and it will be that way with this one too.
I personally think its unreasonable for grandmothers to expect to hold the babies immediately after birth, that its more like they are trying to stake claim to the baby. My oldest daughter and I are not very close but she is extremely close to my MIL, the second person to hold her (and she hogged her too!). She was the first granddaughter and girl in the family for several generations and my MIL always referred to her as "her baby". I was in essence a food source and it ended there.
If they are really pushy I would make sure they were no where near the birth, but that is just me.
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#10 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:19 PM
 
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Will there be a midwife or a doula there? You can ask them to stand up to her and tell her that this is a crucial baby bonding time and she can wait to hold her grandchild
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#11 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:28 PM
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no, you're not being unreasonable. explain to your MIL what you want and why you want it. And if she doesn't accept that, then tell her that it's your child, and this is how it's going to be--and if she doesn't like it, she can stay home.

my parents and my ILs will not come to visit the baby until after the babymoon--our retreat of 4-6 weeks post birth. luckily, we will live 3,000 miles away from them. so, it'll be harder for them to pester us.

our current plan is to not tell them that we're pregnant until we're about 6-7 months in, and then not tell them the EDD or how far along we are when we do tell them. I feel like it's none of their business.

i told my DH, if i had my way, i'd not tell them i was pregnant at all, and when they came out for christmas or wahtever, a baby would be there. "oh yeah, this is our kid."
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#12 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:33 PM
 
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This is exactly why I wouldn't tell anyone when I went into labor. We didn't want anyone at the hospital hounding us. You're going to be busy enough as it is. Your dh needs to communicate your wishes to his mother (assuming your wishes and his are the same). Good luck!
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#13 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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Please tell me you are not letting this person come to the birth.

I am known for my ruthless disregard for the desires of MILs. Mine called me an incubator for "her" kid while I was pregnant. She was lucky she got to hold the kid for five minutes when the baby was four months old.
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#14 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:39 PM
 
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I would "forget" to call anyone until the baby is born.

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#15 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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You're not being unreasonable at all. Personally, I don't feel right having anyone at the birth other than my husband (as far as family/friends are concerned... I'll have my doctor there, too). My MIL will be at our home watching our son, but she will not be at the hospital for the newborn until my husband goes back to get her.

When my son was born, he was on my chest immediately - for at least an hour. When it came time to do the newborn exam, my husband took him the 6 feet away and brought him back to me... where he stayed until we left the hospital for the most part. We had two visitors (non-family) who held him for all of 5 minutes combined on the 2nd day there and that was it! The one thing that really started to set off the blues for me was the (one) pushy nurse I had as we were leaving who wouldn't let me hold my own child as we left the hospital - she got all cocky and said, "MY JOB! It's the RULES!" To me, that's what your MIL is saying (and that sure as hell won't go over with me this time!).
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#16 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:40 PM
 
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I would just laugh it off like she's joking and do whatever I felt like. If she complains then just say..oh, I thought you were joking, sorry. And still continue to do what I wanted. She'll get over it. She's already had her turn being mama. If she gets upset about it, that's her issue, not yours.
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#17 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:42 PM
 
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your not unresonable when Nathan was born I held him and bf'd him for a long time. DH then took him the the other side of the room for the nurse to weigh and check stats. He then brought him back to me for a while. My older sons ( who were there for the birth) each took a turn then my MOM and MIL and sister ( who were also there at the birth) took a turn while I ate ( 22hrs and I neede REAL food LOL)

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#18 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:46 PM
 
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My mother held the bowl of placenta while the baby was still attached to it, with me carrying the baby, as I crawled into bed. Maybe she'd enjoy that?
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#19 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 12:59 PM
 
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right on, uumom!


seriously, maybe mil should not be invited....
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#20 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 01:00 PM
 
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You aren't being unreasonable.
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#21 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 01:02 PM
 
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YOu are the mother, she is the grandmother. She had her chance to be the mama. You are not being unreasonable. I wouldnt call her till afterwards
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#22 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 02:48 PM
 
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Don't call her (or anyone else) until some time after the baby has arrived then you will have your time with the baby without interruption.

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#23 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 03:28 PM
 
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My guess would be that she missed out on holding her baby(ies) immediately after their births and she is trying to get that back. But, no matter, this is your baby and your turn. It is your right to hold your baby as long as you want to. There will be plenty of time for her to hold the baby later.

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#24 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 03:43 PM
 
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No you are not unreasonable, she is. I had a scheduled c-section and my rule was that no one got to hold the baby before me (other than DH and medical personel). I didn't even want MIL and SFIL to be there but the stupid hospital staff let them in and they were in the room when I got out of surgery and was puking my guts out. I got to hold DD first, but MIL got more time with her in her first hour of life. I still resent her for this.
Don't let her, this is your baby, to hold it is your reward for carrying the baby for nine months and going through the hard work of labor. Not to mention bonding issues.
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#25 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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With our first child we didn't even tell MIL that I was in labor, we didn't call her until after the baby was born for this very reason. She's just the type who tries to take over, is extremely baby-crazy and to top it all off she annoys me with all her mainstream advice (she's pro-circ, anti-bf'ing etc)

Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

I asked my husband and he agrees with me, she didn't even ask "can I hold the baby within minutes..?" it was an expectation, almost a demand. I was just so surprised by it that I didn't even know what to say. The idea seemed really odd to me, to pass this baby around like a football within minutes of his birth. I'm telling the nurses to delay newborn procedures until after we've had a chance to bond and even then do them in my presence so why make an exception for my MIL?

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.
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#26 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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A big part of why I chose natural childbirth, with care by midwives, was so I could be as alert as possible during that crucual bonding period. My MWs delay all exams by 2 hours and just leave you alone with your family during that time, unless you ask them for help with breastfeeding, etc.

That said, if for some reason I *can't* hold her in my arms right after birth, somebody better be snuggling with my baby. DP and/or my mom would be my preference. (But my mother would never *insist* on holding her; she's just not pushy like that.) I would be horrified at the thought that DD just sat in a baby warmer to preserve my right at first dibs on holding her. I'd want her to have whatever nurturing human contact was available.
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#27 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:40 PM
 
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I agree that you will have to be very clear and firm with your boundaries around this one.

I don't say this in defense of all of the MIL's and mothers who try to push their way into these precious, sacred moments with our babies - BUT let's remember that we are so aware of how important those early bonding moments are because it didn't happen for so long and we have learned from that. Depending on your age, most of our mothers did not have that opportunity. They were knocked out to give birth and didn't hold their own babies soon after birth. That mama-need was never met for them. I do not for a moment think that it is our responsibility to heal that for them by letting them intrude on our mama-baby first moments - but it always helps me to remember this dynamic when my MIL is driving me crazy about new baby time. She had four children and didn't have that with any of them.
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#28 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:53 PM
 
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Unfortunately it's not an option this time because we have a three year old and MIL is the only person we know who can watch her while I'm in the hospital. I'm already having a hard time dealing with the idea of being seperated from my dd, we've never spent the night apart, I want to at least know she's with a family member and I want her to be there asap to see the baby once I'm in recovery.

Thanks for reassuring me to listen to my instincts mamas! I think I'll let her know in advance so I don't have to deal with explaining it after the baby is born.
It sounds like MIL will be at home with your daughter and not at the hospital whilst you are birthing, no? How does she plan on caring for your daughter yet rushing to the hospital within seconds of your birth?

If I were you (and I have been there) I would appeal to your husband to deal with his mother. You should not have to worry over this during your pregnancy. You should also not have to confront her. That is your husband's job. Have him deal with her ASAP so you can move on and enjoy this time without worry.
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#29 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:53 PM
 
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it does sound like a boundary issue. my mom was very respectful of our need to bond as a family. she was there for the birth and gazed at dd(2) but didn't even think to ask to hold her. she held dd maye 1-2hrs after birth. my hubby took dd(1) for me...I was so weak...I held her for a bit but hubby took her until my arms stopped shaking.

my mil tried to take my dd(1) AWAY from me once and it was after a hug fall that dd took...I walked away from her. *sheesh* it still bothers me to this day.

I don't mind pass around the baby once baby is older...and as long as everyone has washed their hands

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#30 of 99 Old 11-12-2006, 06:58 PM
 
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I think I would forget to call as well. No one saw me (us)but my hubbie and my midwife during this intensely personal time.
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