unattached to baby-to-be= difficult labor/birth? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 05-31-2007, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure the title makes sense, but I am really worried (scared) about this upcoming labor and birth for several reasons.

1. The pregnancy has been awful since day 1. (uncomfortable, sick, etc)

2. I never wanted twins and still am not sure how I'll handle two babies in addition to my two kids. I thought by now (37 weeks) I'd have come to terms with it- I haven't.

3. I didn't really think I would get pg when we tried. We had tried for so long and for so hard that I had finally moved on and liked my life with two children. I finally had some time for me. But my dp wasn't ready, so we gave it one last go and hit the jackpot!: I cried when we got the bfp.

Now I am scared that labor and delivery will go poorly because I'm not really looking forward to caring for two infants. I'm worried about nursing twins in public (which was not something I gave a second thought to with my other kids.) I'm not excited about meeting these babies and am also worried about ppd, since I've already been depressed for 8 months. I looked forward to labor with my other kids, not unlike one looks forward to a competition or race- a challenge with a reward at the end.

So- what do you think the connection is between difficult labors and a mom who is not attached or already loving the child(ren) to be born? I sometimes wonder if this pg has been so uncomfortable for entirely psychological reasons, kwim? Medically it has been just fine. Any advice? The last thing I need to add to this whole thing is an emergency c-section.

Thanks for listening to me cry.

Me.  With 1 spouse, 4 kids, 16 chickens, 74 matchbox cars, 968,562+ legos, a dishwasher waiting to be emptied, a washing machine waiting to be filled and a lost cup of tea in the house.

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#2 of 11 Old 05-31-2007, 09:21 PM
 
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I didn't get attached to DS1 until he was a couple mnths old. Labor and delivery went GREAT.
I was scared because we found out I was pregnant as we were moving to Germany, and had just found out DH was deploying to a war zone for a year. DS was NOT planned, and I wasn't sure I wanted him at all. It does make it harder, but be easy on yourself.
Find someone to talk to. When the babies come, get yourself some help and a little sleep.
Beating yourself up will only make everything harder. You will do just fine. We find the strenght when we need it, as long as we don't convince ourselves otherwise!!
BTW, I know it sounds pretty bad, but I think DS1 might be my favorite now!!

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#3 of 11 Old 05-31-2007, 09:24 PM
 
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Aw, mama, I wouldn't worry. You are entitled to your feelings. I don't think they will affect your labour, unless you set it up in your mind that they will, kwim? Often ppl with difficult pregnancies have easier labours IME. Your body will do what your body does, give birth. Your mind and heart get to have whatever process you need to as you adjust to your new babes.

Good luck!
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#4 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 10:07 AM
 
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i was definately not attached to ds1 while pg... (it was unplanned/not the "right" time for me/etc). and i think that delayed me being attached to him for the first couple of months. the labor was fine though...a rather long but calm/peaceful homebirth.

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#5 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 11:31 AM
 
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I also wasn't attached during pregnancy. I just couldn't imagine having a baby of my own. I couldn't fathom it in the slightest. But labor was fine and quick and the birth was great. I don't think there's any attachment/labor correlation at all.

Mama to dd born 7/2005, dd born 12/2007 and dd born 11/2009.
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#6 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 11:47 AM
 
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I was connected during pregnancy, I had hyperemesis and felt uwful (with dd1 --7 months and dd 2---5 months of sickness). I didn't even pick names before they were born. BUT with dd1 I had a 12 hour labour, with some stitches...no meds. and with dd2 I had a 2.5 hour labour and no pain meds and a homebirth!!!! I ADORE both babies now!!! (dd1 is 2.5 years old and dd2 is 6 weeks old)
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#7 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 05:00 PM
 
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I was much less attached to DS2 during my pregnancy with him than I was during my first pregnancy, with DS1. During my first pregnancy, I had much more time to moon over the baby's arrival, and it was a bigger event for me, I was becoming a mother for the first time. Everything was NEW and amazing! During the second pregnancy, there were still amazing things and exciting things, but honestly, it just sucks to have morning sickness and have to take care of a toddler at the same time. And later, when I wasn't sick any more, it was easy to forget I was pg because I was chasing that same toddler around. There was just less time to obsess about my pregnancy, more real-life stresses and distractions. I also regretted getting pg almost as soon as the test turned positive, what had I gotten myself into? Did I really want a second child? I didn't really get *into* it until around 26 weeks.

And you know what? My labor/birth with DS2 was far better/easier than my labor/birth with DS1. And he's an easier child to parent, and a total mama's boy.

So I'd say, don't sweat it.

may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know  - e.e. cummings
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#8 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 09:53 PM
 
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i'm going to agree with all these mamas. my ds was a total accident and almost aborted. my dp and i had been dating for four months (no marriage, no commitment, not even living together, nothing) and i had just gotten kicked out of grad school due to the massive amount of partying and miniscule amounts of work. i had no insurance.

my mom convinced me it was time to grow up and my life is a million times better because she did. but i was NOT attached to the idea of being a mama at all! i was scared of giving up my autonomy and didn't even have any real plans for after he was born.

when they put him in front of me after the birth i was like, "what do i do now?"

my birth went awesomely though and i think once they're here you'll be oh so glad they are.

but, be very aware of ppd!!! talk to your midwife about what to do to combat that and be proactive just in case.

good luck!

eh. who needs a signature?
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#9 of 11 Old 06-01-2007, 10:20 PM
 
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Well, this baby-on-the-way was conceived just as we were making plans to separate! And I was only two years away from my hard-earned degree.

Fast forward ahead: we researched doing UC, and for the last few months, EVERYTHING has been about the UC event. I can't think of anything else. The pool, the water, the food, the kids, the pain, the emergency plan, the checklist, etc.

Plus, it's been difficult.
- I haven't felt well and I have had to take it easy.
- I have gotten FATTER than ever before.
- I am honestly worried about post-partum depression.
- I have no family to speak of, my mother passed a year and 1/2 ago.
- I will not be able to go back to school for a while now, and I was so close!!
- I really thought I was THROUGH breastfeeding! I was making plans to get them reconstructed! : And more diapers! Oh no!



BUT, I think none of that is going to matter when I meet her for the first time.


I am sure this is the way it will be for you too.

There are many other reasons I won't list, our ages being one of them (I'm in my 30's, he's in his 50's) but there are many many reasons why it's a glorious thing too.
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#10 of 11 Old 06-02-2007, 12:30 AM
 
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On the flip side I felt like DD and I were the same person! I was so attached to her it was kind of unsettling to me.

Her birth was long, painful and difficult.

So, no, I do not think that attachment to unborn babies will mean a rough birth. I think your feelings about giving birth, the process itself, could have more of an impact. If you think it will be awful you might set your self up to experience it that way, KWIM?

Take good care of yourself Momma. I know exactly what you mean about getting pregnant after trying for so long and mentally moving on. That is what happened to e. I feel much less attached to this baby. I am counting on the oxytocin boost at birth to make me fall madly in love and all will be well.

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#11 of 11 Old 06-02-2007, 07:30 AM
 
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<hug> I'm sorry you're having such a rough time!!!!
I had severe pregnancy and postpartum depression with DS1, he was an "accident" all pregnancy I struggled with guilt over not actually wanting him and somehow could not feel any warmth for him while I was pregnant. I hated being pregnant too, everything about it. However I had a really fast and easy birth and afterward no bonding issues even though I had ppd for about 15 mos.
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