Were you dissapointed with your midwife? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like the only one....

My midwife did a lot wrong, for example:

She did not tell me that her children are adopted, and that she has never had a child. She did not lie, but she definetely omitted this fact (she also says on the website that her two children were born at the birth center but doesn't add that she was the birth attendant and not the Mother). I overheard her discussing this with a collegue when it was far too late for me to consider switching. I would not consider this an absolute no-go, but it is something I want to consider in a midwife- does she actually know what I am going through? (This is just IMO)

Also, she pressured me to have my water broken (although she herself was the first to tell me in my prenatals that this was an un-necissary intervention) and when she (finally) allowed me into the birth tub I had been in transition for two hours in deep back labor that would have been remedied greatly by the water. Once I did get in the tub she tried to get me out of it three times, even having my husband and Mother try to lift me out, against my wishes.

The absolutely heartbreaking thing is that she would not take her hand out of my cervix when I asked her to. And I asked her several times. She was stretching out a cervical lip during my contractions, but we definetely could have done it in four or five contractions instead of one. I consider this a violation of my body, and a violation of the sensetove physical and emotional state of a laboring Mother. She only removed her hand when my mother told her that she had to.

She preferrs a birth stool birth, which she did not tell me until I was in labor.

Worst of all she complained continually that she was tired, that she had had too many births that week (I was after the previous poster, you baby was the 27th, mine was the 30th) and worst of all, she said she had a cold.

All in all, I think she might be a great midwife for some ( I think the responsibel thing for her to do would have been to have her partner come to my birth), but my experience with her was pretty bad. I find myself saying what I hear a lot of c-section mama's saying "at least the baby was healthy!", as if that is all we look for in a birth experience.

I would almost take the risk of going with them again if I had a long conversation with Ali, not because I like her so much (although she was very personable) but because I am pretty much in love with Valerie.

Also, I was pressured from six months on to make my baby "flip", I thought this was normal, but in talking with other midwives, and nurse midwives, this was an unnecissary pressuring). Although we drove three hours to come to prenatals, my appointments were frequently shortened to half an hour because they were very busy. (I could have gone to an OB for that).

I feel sad because I wanted my birth to be so much more.
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#2 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 03:10 AM
 
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Well, I can't speak for all midwives, just myself.

I don't think the fact that she didn't tell you about the children being adopted is a factor. She may want to keep that private and has a right to do so. I wouldn't hire a midwife based on the fact whether she has birthed children or not. One of the people I apprenticed with started at 18, is now 22, no children and is an excellent midwife, I had her at my birth 2 years ago.

I don't share all my personal information with my clients. Like the fact that my oldest daughter is not my husbands, she's from another relationship. And other facts.

But I think that people need to remember that midwives are human, make errors, can be right and wrong about certain issues, can be tired, irritable, etc. Sometimes I think midwives can be put up on a pedastal and made into a fiction type of character of what one envisions a midwife should be.

i know I have made some errors and I have forgotten to return calls, been irritable, said things I wish i hadn't said, learned from mistakes at births and prenatals.

But having said that, I also think that you have to be a good fit with your midwife and not everyone is going to mesh well. I know there are some people who call or meet with me who decide not to hire me and that's OK. Because I have my own personality and style, just like an OB and some people want something different than that.

I would suggest you write an honest, sincere letter to her, maybe she doesn't realize how some of her actions put you off. I have a client satisfaction type letter I give out looking for feedback. And I sometimes realize I have to realize that I may not agree with the mom and she may not agree with me.

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience. I hope you can have a better one in the future if you decide to have another baby.
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#3 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 04:07 AM
 
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yes. and still trying to process it. i have talked to a lot of other mamas who were too.
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#4 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 09:10 AM
 
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Yes, I am horribly dissapointed in my midwife, if not angry.
At 40+ weeks she told me over the phone that I needed to schedule a c-section because my baby was "too big" (based on U/S) and that there was "too much" fluid in there. Then she pretty much abandoned me.
However, my doula (who then also abandoned me) had some previous good experiences with her where she had waited while a woman stayed dilated at 10cm for 12 hours.
She was also late to all her appointments and had horrible bedside manner.
However, she was a CNM that worked within an OB/GYN office, so part of her problem may have been that she was under their rules, and she would work around them when she could (in the case of the other woman) but wasn't always able to.

The OP's comment about women who haven't given birth to children not making good midwives kind of stings, since I have thought about becoming a midwife. I guess I am not qualified at this point as I have never given birth (at least for now......)
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#5 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 11:26 AM
 
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Many in the NCB community have almost a religious regard for MWs and don't want to admit they are all individual human beings. That can be just as ignorant, arrogant, controlling, and fear-filled as OBs. A wise health care consumer evaluates the individual HCP in front of him/her.

I opted for a HB MW as way to avoid induction and the cascade of interventions it can bring as my family history is to carry babies long. My MW was in complete agreement with my beliefs, concerns, and reasoning. Unfortunately she decided to come out and check me during prodromal labor (I told her I could stop the contractions by sleeping, bathing, and bending over) and she ruptured my membranes without my permission during her base line dilation check. She then offered to take me to the hospital for my ever so faintly straw colored amniotic fluid. (Even then I thought "WTF?" and told her I felt perfectly safe at home as there was nothing in there for the baby to aspirate.) My MW decided to camp out as my membranes ruptured and then offered me a drink of RRL tea. I told her I had it iced in the fridge but she said she'd rather make it fresh and hot for me. As soon as I sipped it I was repulsed by the flavor. I asked her about it and she said I always made too weak to be any good. It was 1 1/2 years later my DH and best friend told be she has spiked my tea with a dropperful each of blue cohosh and black cohosh. That was what caused my paroxysmal vomiting which led to dehydration and low sugar levels. No surprise it was downhill from there. By my birthing a baby when neither I nor my son were ready I was put at great risk. (I didn't learn about Bishops scores until years later but mine unadjusted was 2 and adjusted was 0. How's that for a complication risk factor?) That MW was annoyed the placenta didn't come fast enough, pulled the cord off the placenta (oh, of course, without our knowledge let alone consent) and attempted manual removal of the placenta (without our knowledge, let alone consent) until her secondary MW (and former proctor) stepped in and told my DH that should only be done in a hospital with an IV inserted. We then transported and at my MW's insistence left my newborn at home with my childless friend. The back up doc met us at the hospital and estimated I lost at least 40% of my blood volume. I had severe breastfeeding challenges due to my reaction to pitocin as well as my son's lack of suck reflex. I believe that may well have been due to vigorous suctioning. My MW, also a lactation consultant, was pissy about my BFing difficuties saying none of *her* moms ever failed to BF. (She didn't consider her WIC clients *her* moms.) After four days and a visit to an ND who performed reflexology, my son's suck reflex was restored and was finally able to nurse.

I can see how my rant about my outcomes and my MW's action my sound biased and one sided but I really don't want to list out all my issues with her behavior the week leading up to my labor (she apparently didn't want to be there), my labor, and post-partum time. I believe anyone can have a bad outcome but certain actions make bad outcomes far more likely. THAT is one issue I have with my MW's behavior... it added risk to me and my baby with no corresponding likelihood of benefit. As a CAM HCP I am a stickler for informed consent. I view myself as a specialized consultant whose job is NEVER to control people but to *offer them* insight and options they might not have otherwise. My biggest problem with Cathy's action is that by acting without informing me, let alone getting consent, she violated my personal autonomy in an unethical, unprofessional, and even illegal manner. *That* is why I have composed a grievance letter to her certifying organization which I will am holding off to mail next month when there is a little less going on in my life.

People don't seem comfortable using the ugly words rape and rapist. It sets polite company on edge and gets them defensive. My positive spin for the day is most rapists recognize what they are doing is all about them and never attempt to say it's in the best interest of their victims. The same can not be said for my former MW and HCPs like her. I wish I'd have known what she was really like before she attended my birth. I can't change that but I can do what I believe is my karmic duty and draw attention to the issue so others might not share my experience and possible experience an even worse outcome.

BV, who safely UCs with fully informed consent
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#6 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 11:37 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you didn't have the experience you wanted/deserved.

I agree that the IMPLICATION that the midwife had birthed two children at the birthing center was misleading. It would have been appropriate for her to say nothing about her children at all.

I also agree that she did not seem to respect your body and wishes, and that she was overly focused on herself (not that I can't sympathize for her having a hard week and not feeling well, but the complaining is simply not professional).

I too was disappointed with my midwife. She respected my body just fine but she made a number of amazingly basic mistakes, that I believe led to the hospitalization of DD for severe jaundice.

Unfortunately DH is now reluctant to trust midwives and isn't sure he wants a home birth again should we have another child. This is very unfortunate, to me, because I still don't want to birth in a hospital or even a birthing center. I feel there are good midwives and bad midwives, and that we made a mistake choosing her, but that another midwife will be better than an OB (unless I need surgery of course ). I also have learned to act upon my concerns rather than trusting a care provider, which is a good thing to learn anyway. Strangely enough, my MIL, who was nervous about the home birth, was the one who argued my point of view when DH said he didn't trust midwives anymore (she was the one who said that our experience would not have represented all midwives).

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#7 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Maggi315 View Post
I don't think the fact that she didn't tell you about the children being adopted is a factor. She may want to keep that private and has a right to do so.

But I think that people need to remember that midwives are human, make errors, can be right and wrong about certain issues, can be tired, irritable, etc. Sometimes I think midwives can be put up on a pedastal and made into a fiction type of character of what one envisions a midwife should be.

But having said that, I also think that you have to be a good fit with your midwife and not everyone is going to mesh well. I know there are some people who call or meet with me who decide not to hire me and that's OK. Because I have my own personality and style, just like an OB and some people want something different than that.

had a bad experience. I hope you can have a better one in the future if you decide to have another baby.

Thank you for responding. In my opinion (and I did state that clearly) I would like to know if a woman had had children or not. It doeas not rule her out if she has not, I just want to know what her relationship with birth is, and considering that she is a birth professional, who is going to ask MANY personal questions to me, I don't think it's too much to ask for her to be honest. Implying that she birthed her children, but not being honest is what bothers me, not the fact that she hasn't birthed them. I would never rule out a woman who hadn't had childeren as a midwife, and I'm sorry this hurt a later posters feelings.

As for being human, I understand that. However, when you tell people that the basis of your profession is being responsibel kind anddoing your best to help a woman have the birth experience she desires, you should live up to it.

It wasn't a late call, or one snarky remark, this isn't a case of me being overly critical and wanting to harp on the MW. She did a bad job, and that's it. She did a bad job, when what she does for a living is MORE than just a job.

I feel that you chalked my experience up to being a bummer, and it was a lot worse than the MW just being human, or she and I not having the "right fit". This implies that I am at fault, she is just human and maybe next time it will be better.

Yes, maybe next time it will be better, because I now know that just because someone is a MW, doesn't mean that she is good at her job, and it doesn't mean that she is better than an OB. I believe that I (since many of my friends who had babies have) could have had a more satisfying birth experience with an OB, which deeply dissapoints me.

Midwives can violate the "midwife standard of care" and mine did. More than a mistake, more than a bummer, and NOT my fault in any way.

-Crystal
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#8 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:03 PM
 
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Oh boy...that sounds awful. No, it is not your fault. You are right. You have the right to know your midwife's experience, not to be lied to, not to be bullied into doing things that don't feel right to your body while in a vulnerable birthing state. If she has a preference for forcing mothers to use birthstools of not "letting" them into the water, or removing cervical lips manually or not removing her hand from a woman's vagina, she should tell prospective clients about this. Wow...this is far from "fit" IMO...it's abusive and non evidence-based. Also not what one would expect at a birth center (although from friends' experiences, birth centers seem to be rather interventionist and not as evidence-based).

I too had a bad experience with the mw I used for my first birth. I felt embarrassed sharing it since by most standards it was an uncomplicated vaginal homebirth. It was not what I wanted though, not what I had expressed I wanted, the mw didn't listen well and "forgot" some things we had discussed, and I felt violated.

It helped me to talk about it, to talk to my midwife and doula and to use a classical homeopath. It sounds like you are on the road to recovery with discussing it. Sending you hugs and healing vibes!
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#9 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:05 PM
 
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...The OP's comment about women who haven't given birth to children not making good midwives kind of stings, since I have thought about becoming a midwife. I guess I am not qualified at this point as I have never given birth (at least for now......)
FWIW, turtlewomyn, the OP never said a MW who's never given birth is unqualified. The OP did say whether or not a MW's given birth is something to consider. I agree. Baring any other input I *assume* you, me and the OP would consider a childless MW far more favorably than a MW who's had four cesareans because her doctor/MW said placental function declines at 41 weeks.

The OP's MW did many things that were disrespectful women. I considered the "how the MW birthed" comments in light of that. My concern would not be that she was a mom via adoption *but* that in her promotional material to potential birthing moms she advertises the fact that her children were born at the birth center. Like most potential clients the OP inferred the MW had used the BC's services as a birthing mom *and* was endorsing it from that perspective. While the MW's statements were not unfactual, they were highly misleading especially considering she was never forthcoming about her role at her children's birth. I consider that unethical and a huge red flag. I consider a MW's nuliparity neither unethical nor a red flag.

Turtlewomyn, I want you to know you did birth your child. You may have never birthed vaginally but you are a birthmother. That in no way disqualifies you to study and pursue midwifery. I'd give far more weight to a MW's journey than her than to statistics from her own births.

~BV
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#10 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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I'm sorry that happened to you. Pressuring you into things and not removing her hand from your vagina when asked to do so is disturbing and unaccpetable. If anyone else did that it would be sexual assault. Sometimes people just don't mesh well, as a PP said. But forcing a procedure on a woman without her consent is not about meshing. It's unacceptable when anyone does it, whether that person is an OB or a midwife. Your feelings are valid and I don't believe it's your fault. You trusted someone and they violated that trust. I think you have every reason to be angry and disappointed. Maybe writing a letter explaining your feelings or talking to the midwife you really like would help you process your experience?
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#11 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:10 PM
 
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Another note...when I interviewed mws for my second birth, many seemed to have this odd idea that it would be "empowering" to work through the issues with the first mw and use her again...or that I could be "clearer" this time about what I wanted and use her again, as if it were all my fault. Or that "styles" were just different. IMO, respect of the birthing woman is key, and so many mws just don't have that...not a style issue but a respect issue. In what other aspect of life does this reasoning exist? I mean, if your painter chose a different color paint than you had requested or said her "style" was to always do stucco if not specified, you wouldn't pay her, right? Or use her to paint another room, hoping it would work out ok this time? And you wouldn't think it was "style" if your painter touched you inappropriately in a sexual way and refused to stop.

Anyway, sorry for the side-rant...the analogies just struck me.
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#12 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:12 PM
 
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#13 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:14 PM
 
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I had midwives for 2 of my children's births. The first midwife was horrid. She was fine up until the last 2 appointments and the birth. My second to last appointment I mentioned that I had had demerol after my first son was born and it did nothing for the pain and I would prefer Tylenol 3 as I know it works for me and I am not allergic. She wrote in my chart that I was a possible drug addict. (!!!) Thanks! I now have to explain that notation every time I switch doctors.

The last appointment I had she told me I was in labor and we had to get to the hospital NOW. We got to the hospital and I was having some contractions but was not dialated at all. She broke my water without telling me. I had no idea what she was doing. She tried to prevent my support people from coming into the room and tried to shoo them out several times over the course of the next 17 hours of labor. She spent most of her time talking to the student she had invited in without asking if I minded and ignoring me. She complained constantly about how long it was taking and how tired she was and then tried to coerce me into taking pitocin to hurry thing up.... I was like 3 centimeters dialated! I insisted that I wanted an epidural BEFORE being given any pitocin, she harrumphed and puted and b^*$#ed about it but I was unflinching despite my fear, tension and worry. The anestesiologist was great, gave me just enough to take the grinding edge off the pain and BAM, I fully dialated and gave birth about an hour later with no pitocin. Oh, and she did cut me without even mentioning that she was going to let alone ASKING. She did a severe cut right through everything with scissors.

So yeah, I was disappointed to the point of rage. The midwife I had for my third son was totally wonderful and a shocking contrast to the other. I will never forgive the fist one, she ruined the entire experience start to finish for me.
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#14 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:15 PM
 
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In what other aspect of life does this reasoning exist? I mean, if your painter chose a different color paint than you had requested or said her "style" was to always do stucco if not specified, you wouldn't pay her, right? Or use her to paint another room, hoping it would work out ok this time? And you wouldn't think it was "style" if your painter touched you inappropriately in a sexual way and refused to stop.
This is an excellent analogy.
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#15 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:17 PM
 
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we had a CNM first time.

i was VERY disoppointed.

that is why we are useing an OB this time.

she was not like your's (ie omitted birth of own kids) but she was not nurturing, did not make me feel safe -- made me feel attacked actually.

she baddgered us to come to the hosptial waaay tooo soon, she kept it up all night till DH gave in, I was at a 3 when we got there !!!!! I told everyone it wasn't time yet. she had told us to come in right wawy -- so much for the "don't go too soon" lecture she gave us -- not advice -- lecture about how first time moms are always in a rush. and she was very intervention happy -- pushing PIt and Epdural and so ... and basically gave up on me, in labor, and just kinda stood around waiting till she could leave. and she was independant -- so there were no doctors or doctors rules psuhing her to speed up my labor or my progress or anything. She also spent the last 2 month FREAKING out about how small my son was, he was born at 5 pound 9 oz, and accuseing me of starving myself to stay thin : :

I have found, however, i am not the only one to have a less than expecepted expereince with her ... some DO love her, but most of the recent moms i have talked to felt more like me, the only recent good reports are from moms who had birthed with her before and this was a 2nd + baby .... none of the first time moms that i have spoken too got the expereince they were hoping for with her.

in reference to teh OP -- i do not think it was the fact she wanted to keep her children private, or that she had not had kids herself that was the issue -- woud not be for me -- it is how she did it -- stating "my children were born at teh birth center" sounds like she birthed them there. if she is going to state THAT, then IMO she needs to somehow convery that she was not the birth mom, cuz the above statement implies she was. if she wasnted to keep them private, sinpley state "I have two wonderful children" and not bring their birth into it. I agree the WAY she says it implied they are birth kids that SHE birthed at thebirth center...again if doesn't matter to me if a MW has birthed or not, or how a child joins a family ... what does matter is how whatever infmration is shared is converyed.

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#16 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:18 PM
 
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I found out at my labor that my midwife had had 3 cesareans with her children. I don't think I doubted her at all. I just a felt a bit like she had omitted some information. I never asked her outright, at that point, but she certainly didn't offer.

It felt a bit betraying and I am not sure why. In the end, it didn't matter a whole lot, but I was subjected to some things I was uncomfortable with.

Her not removing her hand from your vagina is unconscionable, and I am so very sorry to hear that.

People do have an almost deity-like worship of OBs and midwives (to a lesser degree) and it's troublesome. Midwives are just people, you know? With biases and heartaches and colds and problems in labor and all the rest. It doesn't make it any easier to process your birth though.
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#17 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:18 PM
 
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Bolding mine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goatriffic View Post
I'm sorry that happened to you. Pressuring you into things and not removing her hand from your vagina when asked to do so is disturbing and unaccpetable. If anyone else did that it would be sexual assault. Sometimes people just don't mesh well, as a PP said. But forcing a procedure on a woman without her consent is not about meshing. It's unacceptable when anyone does it, whether that person is an OB or a midwife. Your feelings are valid and I don't believe it's your fault. You trusted someone and they violated that trust. I think you have every reason to be angry and disappointed. Maybe writing a letter explaining your feelings or talking to the midwife you really like would help you process your experience?
I agree with Goatriffic's observation but disagree with the recommendation. I think the letter should go to the MW's credentialing board. The MW clearly was intentionally deceiving all her clients who visited her website as well as all those she spoke to about her babies being born at the BC. There's no reason whatsoever to assume this MW only behaved in unethical, unprofessional, deceitful, and illegal ways solely with this particular client. If we as consumers of midwifery services do nothing to stop such abusive actions toward women we are enabling the abusers and perpetuating the system that victimized us. I consider it our moral obligation to the community to speak out the alarm. If we do nothing in response I believe rather grimly we retroactively deserved the mistreatment we got.

~BV
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#18 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:27 PM
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i think that this is one thing that "scares" me most.

my husband and I want to UC. but because we see a lot of first time UCers going to hospital because of nerves or needing support (not for medical reasons), we thought it would be better to have a midwife as 'back up.'

i'm looking at midwives in the area, and just reading the birth stories--though these women who hired these midwives are very happy with their births--i see what i consider to be a lot of intervention. that makes me nervous.

both of the midwifery groups that i'm looking at have CPMs, not CNMs, though one is a CNM. they say that you'll have one or two midwives present at your birth, and in one case it says two midwives and a doula. i really don't want that--and i'm sure i can talk it out with them--but it still makes me nervous.

and it makes me nervous because of the things in this thread. some of you have stated that materials were 'misleading.' others have said that the midwife said anything to agree with you early on, but once the time came around, they did whatever they wanted.

and so my fear is--and i can only work through it if i voice it--is that if i do need to have a midwife for support/back up, if she comes and then becomes very hands on or takes over, that my husband and i will get trampled.

what we want from back up is 1. to support us if we need support (just to be present and help with that); 2. to determine or give us clues as to how we're doing as we going if we're out of touch with that; and 3. to determine if we really need to transfer for emergency care.

i know that 2 and 3 might require some 'hands on' behaviors, but otherwise, i don't feel that i need three people there to do this work. i'm really afraid of being rail roaded.
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#19 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:30 PM
 
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because I now know that just because someone is a MW, doesn't mean that she is good at her job, and it doesn't mean that she is better than an OB.
this was a hard lesson to learn -- but now i preach it all the time.... it doesn't matter the title -- mw, cnm, ob -- it matters the person.

we have an awsome OB (two actually my old OB doesn't do OB any more, only GYN as he is getting old and tired ) ..... My sister has an awsome CNM ... she and i together have met some bad CNM (the one i birthed with and others) and many horrid OBs.................

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#20 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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The MW clearly was intentionally deceiving all her clients who visited her website as well as all those she spoke to about her babies being born at the BC.
I agree -- there is no reason to mention the birth at teh birth center save to imply she birthed them there. if she wants to note their peaceful birth at teh BC then she should state "born into my heart peacefully at teh BC" or something ..... if she wants privacy for the adoption -- fully her right -- than she would leave the birth issue out all together.

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#21 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 12:52 PM
 
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there were a lot of surprises during my last labor and birth. i'm still mad about some of it.
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#22 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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You're not alone. My 1st birth was a hospital waterbirth with a midwife. I chose the most NCB-friendly group of midwives in my state. I wanted a homebirth, but planned on staying home instead of returning to work and insurance didn't pay for it (MY MISTAKE). The hospital claims to be like a homebirth, just at a hospital. There is no such thing, I know now. Many things happened during my birth that I would not have chosen.

My 2nd birth was a UC. Too bad I didn't do it that way the first time. Much better.

I'm sorry your birth wasn't all you'd hoped for. There is NO EXCUSE for refusing to take her hand out of you, or coercing you into interventions you didn't want. Inexcusable.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#23 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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Please, please, PLEASE write this midwife a letter about your feelings.

As a provider, I worry that there are people out there that are not telling me how they felt about my involvement with their birth. Hearing feedback only makes me a better midwife - something that will keep the same thing from happening to another woman.
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#24 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:01 PM
 
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Please, please, PLEASE write this midwife a letter about your feelings.

As a provider, I worry that there are people out there that are not telling me how they felt about my involvement with their birth. Hearing feedback only makes me a better midwife - something that will keep the same thing from happening to another woman.
but do you really think the MW in to PP would care -- she obviously didn't list at the birth when the mom was telling her to stop touching her, or in the pre-natals ..... so isn't it more likly she'll just blow off the letter too?

Aimee + Scott = Theodore Roosevelt (11/05) and 23 months later Charles Abraham (10/07)....praying for a little sister; the search starts May 2014
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#25 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:08 PM
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i think that feedback is important, but it has to be done in an appropriate way. it might be helpful to draft multiple letters, and try to get it all on a single page. if she's really open to the information, she'll contact you one way or another.
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#26 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Bolding mine.



I agree with Goatriffic's observation but disagree with the recommendation. I think the letter should go to the MW's credentialing board. The MW clearly was intentionally deceiving all her clients who visited her website as well as all those she spoke to about her babies being born at the BC. There's no reason whatsoever to assume this MW only behaved in unethical, unprofessional, deceitful, and illegal ways solely with this particular client. If we as consumers of midwifery services do nothing to stop such abusive actions toward women we are enabling the abusers and perpetuating the system that victimized us. I consider it our moral obligation to the community to speak out the alarm. If we do nothing in response I believe rather grimly we retroactively deserved the mistreatment we got.

~BV

This is interesting. I have spoken to a woman who said that 3 of her friends has bad experiences with this particular midwife. I will consider it, but if I do send a letter to her board, I will also send a letter to her telling her that I am doing so. I would also like to speak to the other mothers with bad experiences with her.

As one poster said about "sometimes we have colds" but the MW had a partner who had expressed a wish to come to our birth, and I had expressed that I preffered her. A laboring mother and a newborn baby are not places where you can justify having a cold. She is going to touch you internally (with gloves, but still) and she is going to touch and breathe on your new born baby WITHOUT gloves.

If my baby had gotten a cold from her I would have been livid. Absolutely raving with anger. She has a responsibility to my health and her partner was more than willing to come to my birth. Her ego was attatched to coming to my birth because it was on an Island that she used to live on, she wanted to say that she had done it, so she chose to come despite the fact that she has a partner for situations when she is too tired/sick or faced with an emergeny and cannot attend a birth with the health, attention and standard of care that she promised.

-Crystal

On the washington tribe there was a thred about finding a MW in Seattle, and that's how all this came up. There were several posters who had very good things to say about her, and thier babies were born 5-7 years ago. One woman had a birth that the MW had attended three days before mine and said that she mostly just stayed out of the way and that there "wasn't much for her to do". I resited the urge to ask this woman if she gave birth on a birthing stool, an had her waters broken, or is she was given any homeopathics to speed things up.

What you said about writing a letter to a higher authority is sticking in my head, mostly about how she violated the "midwifery model of care" that she was always touting around like a badge. How many women need to have bad experiences with MW's before they decide that an OB is just the same?

Midwifery in it's core is an amazing thing. It is recognizing the blessing of birth, the sacredness of the Mother and the miracle of a new life. In my opinion, if you start to adress it as a "job", much like painting a house, you are not being a good midwife, what women are looking for in a midwife. Someone responsible and caring, someone who has trust in you and who can direct things with a gentle hand if necissary.

Maybe it's a tall order, but I believe it can be done.
-Crystal

P.S, I understand that being a Midwife is work. It is your job, and you get tired. However, I believe it is a job (if you are doing it for a living) and I understand not being perfect, I also understand that personality is a factor as well.

Being a Mother is also work, it's a lot of toil, a lot of repitition, and you have to do it no matter what. However, like being a midwife, you know that when you go into it, and if you didn't, you find out soon enough.
However, if you hit your kids, or abuse them in some way, it's not a "bad fit", it's bad parenting. You did wrong, and you shoul make every effort not to do it again. And unlike being a Parent, you CAN stop being a Midwife if you find that you can no longer provide to people what they deserve.
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#27 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:19 PM
 
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I've attended births with colds. I wash my hands often. The baby is NOT likely to get a cold (thank goodness for those rich antibodies present in colostrum and breastmilk!).

I'm curious about the whole reporting her based on the fact that she didn't birth her children. Between my partner and I, we have three children - only one came from my body. But I refer to all three as "my daughters". I wouldn't think that someone discovering this could be grounds for reporting me to a licensing board.

Yet I do feel like the holding back of anterior lips is quite unnecessary in nearly all births (though in one brow presentation it seemed to work well to keep the cervix from receding a third time). What makes it even more difficult is that YOU told her to stop and this was not granted. To me, that's the true travesty about this scenario.

Colds, the birth mother of children, being tired....these are things we all face as midwives. However, how we present this to our clients (like somehow you're a burden because she's had two births prior without much rest) is important.

I don't know that reporting her is the first course of action, but writing a letter and if you don't get a response, I'd consider sending a letter / complaint to the board, but only about the sexual assault issue (her not removing her hand when you told her to) and the forcibly removing you from the tub - against your will without reason.
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#28 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:22 PM
 
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but do you really think the MW in to PP would care -- she obviously didn't list at the birth when the mom was telling her to stop touching her, or in the pre-natals ..... so isn't it more likly she'll just blow off the letter too?
Even if she doesn't respond, the OP can ask for a meeting face to face. If the mw doesn't react to this, then I'd say it's about HER and she recognizes that she is at fault. Most people, when defensive, won't come face to face with those they've hurt.

To me, the fact that she may or may not respond doesn't matter. This woman deserves to have her feelings conveyed to the midwife. And no matter how callous this mw is, a seed will be planted and she WILL think about it.
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#29 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 02:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I completely agree. I would not report her because she hasn't birhted children, in fact, that was never a problem with me. However, she did IMPLY that she had birthed her children, which leads me to conclude that she believes women would prefer a MW who has given birth herself. It's a non-issue for me. Lying isn't cool though.

The only thing I would feel warrated a letter to her superiors would be her refusal to respect my personal space, and also her consistant pressuring me to get out of the birth tub, even ignoring me and telling my Mother and DH that they "had" to "pull" me out of the tub now.

In all honesty, I don't think I will write a certifying board, but I will send a copy of the letter I send to her to her partner.

And IMO, it's not cool to attend a birth being sick. In fact, the Mw herself (during prenatals) mentioned to me that SHE considered it irresponsible to attand a birth while being sick. My birth was not a more routine one in their area. They both considered it a birth of extenuating circumstances where whoever was more "up to it" would attend. Like I said, the MW who came had her Ego attatched, and we all knew that the other woman was willing to attend, and would have happily done so.

By the way, I woud never ask for a meeting face to face. I would feel traumatized and like I had to defend myself. Also, I would have to wait until I am back in Wa, then I would have to drive a few hours to get from where we live to Seattle. A red flag I should have recognized was when she told me that she didn't want to come to my house for a home visit because it was "too far away". And yet my Dh and I drove down to see her MANY times, including when I was nauseaus, uncomfortable and super pregnant. I don't think she would have felt as bad as I did having to drive all that way.

-Crystal
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#30 of 84 Old 09-20-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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, Crystal. I'm so sorry you went through this.
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