You are definitely not alone! Do what you need to do to work through the grief....it took me a long time to finally realize that my son and I actually WOULDN'T have died if I hadn't been sectioned like my MW told me.
: When I finally let go of my denial and stopped believing the lies they fed me, I was sad, upset, outraged, indignant, and then practically combustible...all in that order. Now, I have stoked the fires of my rage and I have a wonderful pot of birth activist stew simmering on it.
You can be happy that you and your son are safe and healthy and still be sad about your birth. A lot of people don't understand that the two of those don't necessarily go hand in hand. They hear about a woman who's upset over her C-section and think "ungrateful b!tch, she doesn't deserve to be a mother!" It couldnt' be farther from the truth. I love my son with all my heart, so much that I just feel like I want to explode, and I can't imagine my life without him! Every day I am so grateful that I get to be with him! Yet, I am rightfully p!ssed off that he had to enter the world in such a brutal way. It's okay, it's normal, and don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for it.
ETA: I can really relate to the sorrow of being the last one to touch your baby, too. I don't think I got to hold him for almost 4 hours after the surgery was done...and that was only because I was tired of waiting and paged a nurse and told her to bring him to me! By the time the visitors started to trickle in, I didn't even do the ritual "pass the baby around the room" because I had finally gotten him back, I wasn't going to give him up again! Only two of my visitors held him!