Sad about C-section - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 12-31-2007, 07:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So the new baby is now 3.5 months old and I finally have time and energy to think about anything other than diapers and feeding. And I find myself thinking a lot about my homebirth transfer emergency c-section. I'm just so sad about the whole thing. It was traumatic and violating. I am glad (of course!) that my baby is healthy and I think we did the right thing. I had a great miwife who knew exactly what was going on.

I have a hard time talking to my DH about this because the whole event scared him so bad. If I bring it up all I hear was how worried he was that he was going to lose me or the baby. So I feel like I never get any room to be sad about it because it scared everyone else and somehow that is so much more important than my body's most sacred place (the womb) being violated.

I know that I am going to go for another homebirth for the next baby, maybe accomplishing that will be a release. I know if I do it will be the most joyous moment of my life. Second only to meeting my baby for the first time (which was awesome...though not as "joyous" as I was recovering from surgery an doped up a bit).

I think I'm finally grieving the loss of my son's gentle birth and my right as a mother to be present when he was born. I think that is the saddest part. I was the last one to see my baby. My family, my DH's family all saw him first. I should have been the first to touch him and hold him.

Sorry to ramble, but I figure that there are others who feel this way. I am just trying to find my way out of this grief. I don't regret doing what we did to ensure that my son was safe and healthy.

Wife to Doug, mom to Hank and Logan !!!
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#2 of 11 Old 12-31-2007, 09:50 PM
 
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You are definitely not alone! Do what you need to do to work through the grief....it took me a long time to finally realize that my son and I actually WOULDN'T have died if I hadn't been sectioned like my MW told me. : When I finally let go of my denial and stopped believing the lies they fed me, I was sad, upset, outraged, indignant, and then practically combustible...all in that order. Now, I have stoked the fires of my rage and I have a wonderful pot of birth activist stew simmering on it.

You can be happy that you and your son are safe and healthy and still be sad about your birth. A lot of people don't understand that the two of those don't necessarily go hand in hand. They hear about a woman who's upset over her C-section and think "ungrateful b!tch, she doesn't deserve to be a mother!" It couldnt' be farther from the truth. I love my son with all my heart, so much that I just feel like I want to explode, and I can't imagine my life without him! Every day I am so grateful that I get to be with him! Yet, I am rightfully p!ssed off that he had to enter the world in such a brutal way. It's okay, it's normal, and don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for it.

ETA: I can really relate to the sorrow of being the last one to touch your baby, too. I don't think I got to hold him for almost 4 hours after the surgery was done...and that was only because I was tired of waiting and paged a nurse and told her to bring him to me! By the time the visitors started to trickle in, I didn't even do the ritual "pass the baby around the room" because I had finally gotten him back, I wasn't going to give him up again! Only two of my visitors held him!
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#3 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 03:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for the sympathy. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I wish no one had to experience birth trauma, but since it happens, it's great to have a place to support each other.

:

Wife to Doug, mom to Hank and Logan !!!
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#4 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 05:50 PM
 
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I think many moms feel this way. Especially after an emergency section, things can go really fast & it's kind of hard to process.

And I think you're right, having a better birth next time will be very healing and all the more wonderful. Good luck and congrats on the babe!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#5 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 08:39 PM
 
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Congratulations on your new baby. I had two iatrogenic c/s after trying to deliver naturally each time. With my second, oh, I desperately wanted a vaginal birth so that I, the MAMA, could be the first person to touch my baby. I was ignorant about birth with my first c/s and fought against the second c/s until the dr threatened me wih CPS. I grieve the loss of natural birth. I am angry that strangers trespassed on my body, and on my baby. I'm sorry that you suffered also. We are, unfortunately, not alone. ((((hugs))))
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#6 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 08:45 PM
 
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Many many ((hugs)) to you I also ws the last to see my sweet boy and 6 hours later was still to drugged to do anything but hang my arm into his little NICU bed. I found that focusing on the big picture really helped. It wasnt the birth experiance we planned but we still got a healthy precious baby out of the ordeal.
May you find peace with your experiance.
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#7 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 08:56 PM
 
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I just wanted to offer too. I've had 3 c-births only one being an immediate emergency. I does takes time to get all those feeling out. I know I've had many tearful nights, even just lying in bed, preprocessing everything over and over. I hope you find peace soon.

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#8 of 11 Old 01-01-2008, 11:22 PM
 
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I hear you, I'm sad about mine too. For my lack of options for my son being persistently breech (regardless of the many many ways I tried to turn him) and that I never got to even feel a labor contraction, etc. etc. Although I don't feel violated and my birth experience was not that bad, it was peaceful, I got to be with my son the whole time after he was born and my husband was with him while they finished the surgery, etc. I still yearn to have had the experience of "birth". I long for it for the next time, but I never want to feel like my son's entrance into the world was any less valid and beautiful than any future children might be, so I try to come to terms with the experience and talking about it on this board helps. You're right though, no one understands like a woman who has had a cesarean what it was like to not be able to have given birth naturally. It is hard. hugs to you.

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#9 of 11 Old 01-02-2008, 01:11 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you're struggling with all of this-- I went through a lot of it too, very much alone, after my homebirth turned transport and emergency cesarean with my third child. I recently had a twin HBAC, which you would think would be hugely redeeming (and in some ways it has been), but truly it just opened the door for me to go back and begin to process all the grief I've carried since my cesarean. I don't think I ever really dealt with it then, so you are taking such a HUGE step by talking about it now... Very courageous.

Wife of one and mom of five, including my HBAC twins!
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#10 of 11 Old 01-02-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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Another from me, mama. Have you read this:

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm

It helped me reconcile being thankful for a healthy baby and the harsh feelings about his birth.
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#11 of 11 Old 01-02-2008, 01:26 AM
 
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mama...so sorry you are dealing with this.

You might want to come join our tribe:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=656215

Take your time to deal with this and be ind to yourself

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