I think I've sprung a leak. - Page 13 - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-31-2008, 08:55 PM
 
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Wow that's amazing!! Congratulations! She is beautiful!!!

~Autumn~   Mama to whistling.gif (2001) and hearts.gif(2005) partners.gif madly in love since '99 
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Old 02-01-2008, 12:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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lol, yeah, we didn't get any actual birth pictures, we were fresh out of photographers at the time and we were both a little busy.

we would have needed some pretty fast film, I guarantee that...

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 02-01-2008, 01:06 AM
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Wow that is simply amazing!! I am so happy for you. How amazing it all worked out....wow!

Webshots is backing up their server at the moment so I have to *wait* to see the pics. Grumble. Hopefully they don't take to long.

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Old 02-01-2008, 02:38 AM
 
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I am speechless, just speechless and oh so very happy for you mama!!!!!!!!

You listened to your body, you listened to your baby (through much opposition) & you got a beautiful birth & a beautiful & healthy baby girl!!!!!

Again, I am so happy for you
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Old 02-01-2008, 01:33 PM
 
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Been lurking and following your story. Congratulations mama!

Beautiful baby and beautiful birth story- oh what a birth story you have to tell her!

Quoteriginally Posted by aswbarry~A~ Mama to DD 6y, DD , DD 3y and DD 1y
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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Beautiful pictures, beautiful story.

It is always amazing how things turn out when you just let it happen and don't try to over plan.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 02-01-2008, 05:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by salt_phoenix View Post
lol, yeah, we didn't get any actual birth pictures, we were fresh out of photographers at the time and we were both a little busy.

we would have needed some pretty fast film, I guarantee that...
you and me both!

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Old 02-01-2008, 05:50 PM
 
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I finally realized that a thread with this many views and this many pages had to be about more than just "springing a leak". And boy, was I right !! What a fascinating story I have just read about a very strong and courageous woman, and I am so pleased to hear how well things have turned out!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Mama to M (7/05) and S (5/08) my surprise !!!
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Old 02-01-2008, 06:07 PM
 
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congratulations
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Old 02-01-2008, 11:42 PM
 
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Quote:
more than just "springing a leak"
Yeah, she sprung the whole baby


I have retired from administration work, so if you have a question about anything MDC-related, please contact Cynthia Mosher. Thanks!
 
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Old 02-02-2008, 04:37 PM
 
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Congrats!!

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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Old 02-03-2008, 01:30 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Xposted in March DDC:

I'm finally out of the hospital and being pampered at my moms house. I still feel pretty tired and weak from the blood loss and stress of those last few days in the hospital, (did i mention i HATE hospitals?) but my girly parts can't even tell they've given birth recently... she was just so darned small! My uterus is really sore from the manual removal of the placenta, and my boobs are pretty engorged and sore. I pump often and nurse her often, but there is still plenty to go around. lol.

I feel like I have "lost" an entire week by "wasting" it in the hospital... such an awful place to spend those first days with your baby... I was pretty hammered and strung out by the time we left. Feeling MUCH more taken care of the entire month I was there than the last 2 days.

Sadness for me, as we accidently left the placenta at the hospital in the fridge, but by the time we went back for it, it was gone. They tossed it out almost immediately.
I am unsure as to how I'm going to come to terms with that... that darned placenta has been nothing but trouble... first, an abruption, THEN retained and hemmorage... THEN they just THROW it OUT?!

Everyone says, "but at least you got to bring home your baby."
If I had been home, I wouldn't be mourning the loss of our placenta. I realize that this seems really petty in the big picture... but dammit... i'm post partum... I have two homebirth girls with two flourishing trees and placentas buried beneath them and wonderful memories of thanks and release with them... and one hospital girl that I fought and fought and won her a "perfect birth" with, and it was as if the hospital just needed one last jab at me...perhaps the only one they REALLY got, afterall...
no placenta to come to terms with, and to release in a way that seemed right... the garbage can doesn't seem appropriate... unless you associate it with what hospitals think of our bodies and our births... that doesn't help ME come to terms...

Mama's help me get past the loss of it? I honestly feel like something was taken from me/us. And just tossed in the garbage to boot...

On the upside, Ember seems very happy and healthy. We feed her tons of breast milk with a syringe and finger, as she's not entirely convinced her mouth will fit over my nipples, but other times, she takes the breast with the vigor of a full-term baby. I'm told over time, she'll adjust and get better at it. I'll be glad to be nursing full time, as the finger supplementation is awfully awkward and time consuming. I'm glad dh likes the job. He's good at it too.

I have some healing to do yet, both physically and emotionally... but I can assure you, looking at this beautiful and perfect little girl all day does wonders for that!

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:36 AM
 
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So glad to hear that you're home and healthy!

Want my pop psychology? Of course you do.

I think losing the placenta is a symbol of everything that went wrong with this birth, and all of your feelings regarding the hospital. You lost your homebirth, you had to fight daily for some measure of the sort of birth that you'd dreamed of, and in the end, you got it... but that doesn't quite make it as good as a wonderful birth that just happens. You were consistently disrespected; your feelings, your knowledge, your body, your health.

So, I think that them throwing out your placenta was one more case of them disrespecting your wishes, and you losing a little piece of the birth you'd envisioned. Of course you're upset about that. I would be surprised if you just shrugged it off!

But try to remember that this placenta IS part of the bigger picture. The picture where you were treated like crap. So when you cry over the placenta, remember that you're crying over ALL of it: the hospital stay, the staff, the NST's, the emotions surrounding it all.

If anything, you won't feel so pathetic.

And... you ARE post-partum. Cry, whine and complain. You're totally allowed.

Danell - Craft Savvy mama to Evan (3/31/06) and Andre (8/29/07)
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:39 AM
 
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Julie, first of all, congratulations on such a fantastic birth! I was thrilled to read your story, knowing that it was probably as close to a perfect birth as you could get in the hospital!

And I'm sorry about your placenta- that would be a hard one for me too.

I'm glad you're being taken care of too- it must feel so good to get out of the hospital!

Call me if you need anything when you get home!

Violin teaching, doula-ing Mom to Abby, (8) Ashlynn, (6) : and Max (11/13/08) Diagnosed with Metopic Craniosynostosis. First surgery 5/1/09, Second surgery March 2010.
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Old 02-03-2008, 02:44 AM
 
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Well hell, I'd feel bereft too if I was you! I'm sorry they threw it away
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Old 02-03-2008, 03:16 AM
 
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Wow, she is gorgeous! You are so amazing girl! Thank you for the incredible inspiration! Enjoy your babymoon!!! Congratulations!!!
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Old 02-03-2008, 12:17 PM
 
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So glad to hear that you're home and healthy!

Want my pop psychology? Of course you do.

I think losing the placenta is a symbol of everything that went wrong with this birth, and all of your feelings regarding the hospital. You lost your homebirth, you had to fight daily for some measure of the sort of birth that you'd dreamed of, and in the end, you got it... but that doesn't quite make it as good as a wonderful birth that just happens. You were consistently disrespected; your feelings, your knowledge, your body, your health.

So, I think that them throwing out your placenta was one more case of them disrespecting your wishes, and you losing a little piece of the birth you'd envisioned. Of course you're upset about that. I would be surprised if you just shrugged it off!

But try to remember that this placenta IS part of the bigger picture. The picture where you were treated like crap. So when you cry over the placenta, remember that you're crying over ALL of it: the hospital stay, the staff, the NST's, the emotions surrounding it all.

If anything, you won't feel so pathetic.

And... you ARE post-partum. Cry, whine and complain. You're totally allowed.

De-Lurking here.

I think this a really pessimistic way to view the whole thing and as such I don't see how it could be helpful. I've been reading this thread every day from the very beginning because I think that the story is completely inspiring. Yes, salt phoenix wanted a homebirth, but ultimately she fought for and did what was right for her baby. I was always so impressed by her descriptions of how she declined the kind of crap that hopsital staff wanted to do... and probably because I know that I'm the kind of person who doesn't stand as firm when backed into a corner. I think that this particular birth story is one of incredible strength and determination and love... and I think that to encourage salt phoenix to mourn what happened to her in the hospital detracts from all the positives.

To Salt Phoenix,
While I don't share the same desire to keep my placenta, I can definitely understand why it is affecting you the way it is. Especially considering that you have placentas and trees planted from your previous two children. I'm really sorry for that loss. Is there something else that you can do and still plant a tree for Ember... it might not be the same as burying the placenta... but maybe you could find something symbolic. Or maybe you could create a different ritual when you plant the tree that would help bring closure to your birth story... a ritual that is different from your previous births, that is... Because, honestly, Ember's birth was different from your previous two and I think that this birth story is special and inspiring, even if it wasn't what you had in mind.... and I think that Ember deserves a tree that is planted in a way that is as unique and special and inspiring as her birth story.

Anyway, all this is to say that I think there is so much about Ember's birth story that is wonderful and positive. I think that you have shown such amazing strength and love for your baby... and I think that you have been wonderfully positive about a situation that so many people would feel traumatized by. You are definitely an inspiration for other mama's and mama's to be out there.

Congratulations on a beautiful baby girl!

mommy to Christopher 2/29/08
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Old 02-03-2008, 12:46 PM
 
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Wow, congratulations!!!!

I'm so sorry about your placenta. That's really sad. I wonder if you can come up with an alternate type of ceremony or something else meaningful to you and dh to symbolize the connection with and honor of the placenta? I'm not coming up with anything off the bat (sleepy morning brain) but I think there are things you could do. You might also come up with something for yourself to honor your own sense of loss over it. A wonderful mom I met recently had a traumatic first birth and had a ceremony where she wrote down all her traumas, floated them in water and lit them on fire.

Keep doing what you're doing with the breastfeeding! I can SO feel your pain about finger-feeding--it seems to take forever and your arm is all crooked in a weird position. But I think it really does help them learn to suck and doesn't interfere with bf'ing the way bottles can. Do you have a Hazelbaker or a finger syringe? I think a Hazelbaker is easier. Also I'm sure you've tried this but thought I'd mention it--have you tried squishing your nipple (some call it a nipple "sandwich") to make it easier for her to latch?

Best wishes with everything and thanks for your inspiring and amazing story!
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Old 02-03-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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I'm sorry you didn't get to keep your placenta. I didn't choose to do that, but i can see how it could be part of mourning the experience you wanted to have. I certainly know what that is like. I'm so glad you were able to bring your daughter home right away. My first had trouble latching and I used a preemie size nipple shield to help her for about her first two weeks. She was a 5 pound 4 ounce 36 weeker, who dropped to 4 pounds 11 ounces after her birth. However she quickly started gaining again and was 10 pounds 8 ounces after 2 months, and went on to nurse successfully for 4 years. Those early sleepy babies are hard to get going on the breast sometimes, but you can do it!
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Old 02-03-2008, 11:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you mamas for your ideas and support. I will most definitely come up with some way to both mourn the loss of the placenta and still honor the process. I would like to make it a positive ritual, but right now, I can't help feeling like garbage... I mean, it was the ultimate symbolic act of what they REALLY think of me and my way of wanting to birth. I am going to give it time. I want to come up with some way to come out of this feeling more positive than I do right now, and hopefully even more empowered. I may have come through the long hospital stay somewhat strong, but from her birth until we left the hospital, nearly broke me to pieces. I didn't feel respected or cared for at ALL, and the placenta thing was nearly the straw that broke the camel; iykwim
I need time to rebuild and reconsider. That month long event took nearly everything I had, now all I wanna do is love on my little baby. I don't have the energy to carry that other stuff right now. I'll tend it in the future, but for now, I need to focus on HER and ME...

Quote:
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Keep doing what you're doing with the breastfeeding! I can SO feel your pain about finger-feeding--it seems to take forever and your arm is all crooked in a weird position. But I think it really does help them learn to suck and doesn't interfere with bf'ing the way bottles can. Do you have a Hazelbaker or a finger syringe? I think a Hazelbaker is easier. Also I'm sure you've tried this but thought I'd mention it--have you tried squishing your nipple (some call it a nipple "sandwich") to make it easier for her to latch?
I don't have any special equipment. A pump and some 10CC syringes. Reminds me of all the orphaned animals I've taken in during my life, constant hand feeding of a helpless little thing.
I do think the finger feeding is helping her more than a bottle would, even though it is akward and time consuming. She has quite the suck! Not weak at all! It's just going to take time for her to learn how to get my nipple that far back in her mouth. She nurses really well in spurts, so I'm always confused when she won't take it at other times. Time... again, more time.
I'm just so excited to see her thriving and content and warm and happy. She gets that milk-drunk look when I hold her close and she has a full tummy, even when she's not latched on, and it melts my heart.

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 02-04-2008, 03:43 PM
 
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on the loss of the placenta I know it pales in comparison, but could you plant her umbilical cord stump when it falls off? At least it would be something.

Wife to J, SAHM to W (03/06) ribboncesarean.gif at 32w4d, C (10/08) ribboncesarean.gif, and H (02/11) ribboncesarean.gif

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Old 02-04-2008, 07:58 PM
 
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Just read the birth story! Congratulations! You rock! What an awesome job you did standing up for what you wanted. I'm so glad everything turned out so great for you! Ember (love the name) is soo gorgeous!

Congratulations!

Jessika, wife to Turbo, mommy to Codi (12/04), Kayce (8/08), Colten (10/10), and a new little stork-suprise.gif coming 12/13 .

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Old 02-05-2008, 08:49 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear the placenta got tossed away when you wanted to keep it :-/.

But, here's a way of looking at it... your first two girls had these beautiful homebirths. The placenta was totally THERE for them. It worked just how it's supposed to. Some people (such as those who do lotus birth) view the placenta as a semi-sibling that accompanies your baby throughout their gestation, and is let go only when baby is ready.

Maybe Ember was ready to be *done* with that placenta. ;-) The abruption, the leaking waters (which isn't the placenta, but was part of her uterine environment), the hemorrhage... it wasn't taking care of her (or you) in the same way that her sisters experienced. For *her*, it may be more appropriate to leave that part behind. It's not what you envisioned or wanted for her, but maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be.

What *did* care for her and nurture her during those last few weeks? The heating pad that was smuggled in? A pillow that supported you? The brushes that painted that gorgeous henna on your belly? Is there something symbolic of the care and support that she and you needed *and got* during the end of her gestation that might become part of her tree? Maybe the people who were most instrumental in keeping you sane and relaxed during your long hospital days could each donate a small lock of hair to the planting?
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Old 02-06-2008, 05:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The birth story is finally up.... although I don't know where the birth story really ends, once your life together begins.

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She's SIX WEEKS OLD!!!! Can you believe it?

It has not been a problem free six weeks. She has gained very little, and long story short: pumping, bottles, supply issues, non transferring of milk, more pumping, domperidone, lots of crying (me)
Hope, fear, anger... ALL the same stuff as I felt in the hospital.
I can't say that I've enjoyed the babymoon at all, it's been one struggle after the next. I am thankful that she spent no time in NICU, and we all came home together, but I will take a moment to lament our nursing relationship, which is still not established like I would prefer.
I can tell that between the traumatic hospital stay (all relative, I suppose) and the post-partum period (complete with wretched depression) and nursing problems, I am afraid it has wrecked havoc on our bonding. So much frustration and tears (me).
She's absolutely adorable, that little Ember Lotus... and I just wish that things would "normalize" and we can get to the "good stuff" of loving each other and wallowing in all those yummy baby loves. I know it's there somewhere (i hope?) but so far, I've done WAY more crying than I have laughing and cooing over her.
Everyone tells me that it will work out fine. I'm sure it will work out... just perhaps not "fine" as defined by me. Nothing this past year has: the pregnancy was awful, the water breaking and hospital stay for a month atrocious, the birth (except the actual catching her ourselves part) was traumatic... and now the nursing/post partum is a living hell. I honestly don't know what I will do when the freezer stash of EBM runs out. Formula, to me, is like a knife through my heart.
I have hardly left the house in this 6 weeks ('cept for the week I thought I was exclusively nursing her successfully) and all I do is pump, nurse, feed, wash bottles and pumping supplies and change diapers.
All the things I wanted for this pregnancy/birth/baby... just turned out crap. I am hoping to salvage SOMETHING of the mother/child relationship... I just wonder what and when and how. After all we've been through, you would want to see a happy ending to this... I know I would. Hugs are nice, but real advice would be better.
I hate the hospital... I am so angry with so many things about this... I just think that even though I thought I was doing everything as right as I could, I now feel like there are so many things I did wrong and I am full of anger and saddness over it.
You mamas have been so great. I wish I had you all here with me now.

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:47 PM
 
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Do you have an SNS to use when you're feeding with EBM? So you still get the nipple stimulation?

I think there's a Yahoo group called milkshare, that's for connecting with local nursing moms who can donate breastmilk. Maybe you can get supplemental milk from there until you get on track with your supply. I totally understand how you feel about formula... I do too! :-/ You're doing everything right to avoid it though. If it becomes inevitable, you'll find a way to accept it, I know you will... you've gotten through so much already!

Are you getting help from a lactation consultant? LLL? Getting the rest you need? Eating lots of good fats? I'm sure you are... just double-checking. ;-)
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:50 PM
 
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I'm sorry. It sounds like the PPD/PTSD that a lot of preemie/traumatic birth/NICU parents go through. I had those same nursing issues with both of my girls. My first only had issues for about 2 weeks. My second was 3 months of sleepless pumping and nursing. I was so tired I couldn't even think about babymooning and bonding.

I ended up getting counseling for all the issues surrounding her birth and NICU stay and my resulting depression. That helped a lot.

As nursing finally became successful (often happens for preemies on or after their due dates) bonding became easier. Then watching her develop so wonderfully after her rough start helped as well. She's 3 now and I don't think you ever completely get over the experience of a traumatic birth (every birthday that rolls around reminds you) but the hurt gets less, and you learn to enjoy the child you have despite the experience that brought her here.
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Old 03-14-2008, 04:55 PM
 
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Oh Julie! I hear all of that frustration and sadness and it takes me right back to my first few weeks with ds. He was early, too and we had some nursing issues that would have stopped a lot of people. For us, I was able to stop pumping and keep nursing exclusively the week he was "due". His jaundice cleared up suddenly that week or the next and he started waking up enough to actually feed without stripping him down and rubbing him with icy washcloths that week. It was like a whole new baby. But the bonding damage had been done. And it took me months to get myself back in the game fully, mentally & emotionally.

Honestly, I have no really concrete advice for you. For me, in part it was my honesty with a few trusted people that helped keep me sane as we tried to bond. And a complete release of all things remotely close to my expectations. But mostly it was time and keeping ds close (I credit the decision to follow AP philosophies with keeping our relationship from disintegrating completely. If we hadn't been slinging and cosleeping and if nursing hadn't survived, I think we would have had an even longer uphill battle towards healing). Within a few months, around 3 or 4, ds finally felt like my child. And not long after I began to feel in love with him (vs cerebral knowledge of love). And now, two years later, there's no evidence of that rough first half year.

Hang in there. Find someone who can help you remain in the game. Know that with some trust this too will heal and you will have that mother/baby relationship. It will just take a little longer to get there.

me, wife to dh, the movie geek (7/01), mama to ds1, budding Star Wars geek (10/05), dd, budding princess of the dirt (03/08) and ds2, budding extrovert. watch out! (8/10).
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Old 03-15-2008, 10:42 AM
 
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I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time of it. You baby was born at 34 weeks right....so she is JUST now getting to the point where she *should* have been born. Many moms of preterm babies find that breastfeeding gets much easier and the baby starts transferring milk well around the time that she reaches her EDD.

Here is a book on breastfeeding premature babies which you might find helpful.

http://store.llli.org/public/profile/102

Here is a DVD which shows amazing coverage of how all types of babies (full-term healthy, premature babies or preterm babies with breastfeeding problems, babies that had been previously bottle-fed) latching on well

http://store.llli.org/public/product/360

HTH...hang in there..things WILL get better!

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Old 03-28-2008, 08:28 PM
 
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Oh, Julie, I wish I lived closer! I've actually had dreams of wetnursing Ember, which I took as a warning that I was spending WAY too much time online. I admire you so much for being able to stick it out with the pumping. I've had to give up my much less important plans of pumping to donate because I just can't seem to let down for a machine or make the connection with the hypothetical premie or sick baby I would be helping if I could.

I second Ironica's advice about Milkshare and the SNS.

What helps me most with the disappointments I've had (and I have had more than a few, although they pale in comparison to what you've been going through) is to remember the headspace I was in while TTCing and doubting if I would ever have the slightest flicker of hope that my little miracle would come to exist.

I'm not sure if that even applies to your situation and I know it would make me angry if somebody else told me to "count my blessings" now.

Well, I couldn't read without posting a : even though I know that's not what you really need.
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