*Update and birth story* post 45 co-worker scheduled for cs (for a 9# baby) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A woman i work with is due 3/18. He doctor told her today that the baby is already 9# and that she most likely wont be able to deliver vaginally. sooo...cs is set for 3/10....AT NOT EVEN 39 WEEKS! ARGH!

I dont want to scare her, or anger a very pregnant woman (and sometimes i lack tact when talking to people about things i am emotional about). So i was thinking about sending her an e-mail with maybe a few links.

Good idea? Bad idea?

I know she is very uncomfortable and has had edema since 20 weeks - but her blood pressure has been fine and has NO other risk factors. I can totally understand why she just wants the baby to be here, and this pregnancy to be over - so i want to help her, not make her mad.

Does anyone have any advice on what to say or good links/studies etc... that i could forward to her?

Thanks!

-Erin
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#2 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 04:39 PM
 
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I'd send the links...if she is DETERMINED why not schedule an induction? Least then she has a CHANCE of avoiding a c/s.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#3 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 04:48 PM
 
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You describe her as a coworker not a friend so unless she asked for your opinion I wouldn't offer it. I would talk to a friend or someone I was close to about an issue like this, but in this case I would keep my mouth shut.
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#4 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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You describe her as a coworker not a friend so unless she asked for your opinion I wouldn't offer it. I would talk to a friend or someone I was close to about an issue like this, but in this case I would keep my mouth shut.
Well, as someone with 4 very unnecessary sections under her belt, I wish SOMEONE would have tried talking ot me about my options. I'd hate to think someone would just let me get sliced cuz they didn't "know me too well." OP, you have the info. & she is entitled to it. My 2 cents.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#5 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 06:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Marie - as a c-section mama i wish someone had told me too. So i sent her an e-mail. Its pretty emotional on my part - because she is a friend and i just would hate for her to regret this one day the way i do. Anyway - heres what i wrote:

Hey T -

How are you feeling? You are no doubt getting very excited to meet your baby and not be pregnant anymore. I called work today to see how you were doing and Steph mentioned that you have scheduled a c-section for the 10th. I KNOW that this is an emotional time for you right now, and the last thing i want to do is upset a very pregnant woman....but as someone who has had a very unnecessary c-section i wish that there was someone out there that told me the truth, the real risks and that i had an OB that practiced REAL informed consent. Because after all a “choice” without it being an informed one, isn't really a choice at all.

Just quickly from my saved web pages here are some articles you should take a look at:

C-Section Fact sheet
http://www.ican-online.org/pregnancy...ean-fact-sheet

Respiratory problem study in c-section babies
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7137945.stm

C-section mothers have 3 times the hysterectomy risk
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/liv...=1774&ito=1490

Death rates rise as c-section rates rise
http://www.bcbs.com/news/national/an...ate-rises.html

Cesarean Birth in a Culture of Fear
http://www.mothering.com/articles/pr...e-of-fear.html

Aside from all the statistics and the articles, i never want my friend, my sister, my daughter to go through what i did. It was sterile and sad and i was full of drugs and felt no emotion. That should not be how any woman meets her baby for the first time. You CAN do this and i truly believe that your body would not make a baby that is too big. All the machines and doctors in the world cannot tell you if you are able to deliver your baby - ultrasounds can be as much as 2 pounds off, our pelvis is designed to stretch and there is no way to know how much yours is able to.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"birth is not only about making babies. birth is about making mothers...strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and know their inner strength."
Barbara Katz Rothman


"You are a woman, a daughter of daughters.
Within you is the strength, courage, and love of a woman; of a mother.
You have been given this gift because you can do this, it has always been in you to do this.
Do not fear what is to be, rather, go forth in knowledge and confidence
Follow your heart, your iinstincts they will not lie to you."


I really truly wish you the best, and that you will never celebrate the birthday of your child and feel the regret that i feel. I was robbed of the one thing that uuniquelymakes me a woman and a mother and i can never get that back. Mostly, it is sad. I know that you want her out - and here - and that you are scared. But you can do this and 3 months from now 2 weeks wont make a difference for you. You can never get this day back, the day that you meet your daughter.

Please take a look at those links and let me know i can help in any way.

(((HUGS)))

Love, Erin
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#6 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 06:47 PM
 
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I would not have been pleased to get something like that after my decision had already been made. I think it would have been better to just let her make her own choices and stay out of it.
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#7 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 06:49 PM
 
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Well, as someone with 4 very unnecessary sections under her belt, I wish SOMEONE would have tried talking ot me about my options. I'd hate to think someone would just let me get sliced cuz they didn't "know me too well." OP, you have the info. & she is entitled to it. My 2 cents.
:

And I'd do it even though it may not make one bit of difference. I did so with my SIL (I probably know her about as well as you know your coworker) and she still agreed to the c/s for medically unnecessary reasons (suspected fetal macrosomia and because she "felt" her baby was "overdue" - egads).

I know you already send the email, but I would have included some links on why being sectioned for a "big" baby is of dubious medical necessity. The AAFP did a great study back in 2001.

I was sectioned for a "big" baby and desperately wish someone had told me what they knew. In my gut I knew it was probably not the best decision...if someone had come out and told me why it was not a good idea it would have been enough to push me over the edge and help me say "NO!".
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#8 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 06:59 PM
 
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Erin, I think you did well. If nothing else, I hope you've given her something to think about. It was tacful, and while there's no guarantee you haven't upset her (I remember being very touchy at about her GD) maybe, just maybe, something has sunk in. There's a few things I wish I had done differently with ds, and if someone had just sent me info, straightened me out....he could have avoided a few things.

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#9 of 51 Old 03-06-2008, 08:02 PM
 
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Erin, that sounds fantastic, tactful, and caring! And, of course, she should make her OWN decision, an INFORMED one. I don't know why people are so scared to speak up on important things, more should. Things would change faster. I applaud your effort, OP & she may well listen...never know, I would have! Good luck!

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#10 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 02:18 AM
 
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Did you send this over your business email?

Because I'd have HR on the phone so fast if someone sent me an email on the work system discussing my birth choices, especially if I had made an informed decision and did not wish to discuss this further.
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#11 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 10:41 AM
 
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I wonder what would make her angrier?...reading this email or finding out later she had unneeded surgery? If she's secure in her choice she should hit delete & move on. She sounds very UNinformed.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#12 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 08:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by intorainbowz View Post
Did you send this over your business email?

Because I'd have HR on the phone so fast if someone sent me an email on the work system discussing my birth choices, especially if I had made an informed decision and did not wish to discuss this further.
Oh good grief...that's quite overreacting. Involving HR?? Oh please I used to looooooooove working with people like this who can't discuss things as adults but have to run to the higher ups anytime something happens. Really turns things into a nasty mess.

IF she's mature, more than likely she could say "thanks for the email, I've made my decision," or whatever...or say nothing and delete it.

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#13 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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Oh good grief...that's quite overreacting. Involving HR?? Oh please I used to looooooooove working with people like this who can't discuss things as adults but have to run to the higher ups anytime something happens. Really turns things into a nasty mess.

IF she's mature, more than likely she could say "thanks for the email, I've made my decision," or whatever...or say nothing and delete it.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#14 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 08:50 PM
 
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Oh good grief...that's quite overreacting. Involving HR?? Oh please I used to looooooooove working with people like this who can't discuss things as adults but have to run to the higher ups anytime something happens. Really turns things into a nasty mess.

IF she's mature, more than likely she could say "thanks for the email, I've made my decision," or whatever...or say nothing and delete it.
Most employers have proper use of email codes. If someone sent me that email, it could be very much in violation of that.

If someone sent me an email questioning my birth choices through the work system, I'd prolly take it as a slap and feel the need to do something about it, just like when someone sent me a sexually offensive email.
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#15 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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Oh good grief...that's quite overreacting. Involving HR?? Oh please I used to looooooooove working with people like this who can't discuss things as adults but have to run to the higher ups anytime something happens. Really turns things into a nasty mess.

.
then why are you on Mdc?
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#16 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 09:10 PM
 
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OP, in my experience, people don't take kindly to unsolicited advice about their birth choices.

Although, also in my experience, they do look back and wish they'd been more informed.

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#17 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 09:14 PM
 
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then why are you on Mdc?
Why are you here?

Frankly if I had co-worker emailing me at work to tell me that they don't think my informed choice to birth (when ever and however I choose) is the right choice I'd tell them to kiss off, but in a much more colorful sort of language.

As a homebirther I'd tell anyone who sent me that kind of email to kiss off. Birth and how my babies arrive in this world is an important topic to me.

But I also must respect that for some women they simply don't care how their baby arrives and they *choose* to trust a critically broken maternity care system. I'm not the gatekeeper of her birth, she is, I wouldn't say a word to her unless she asked me directly.

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#18 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 09:19 PM
 
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I find the idea that somone would use the work email system to preach about cs as offensive as if someone had sent an email to a home birther telling them how dangerous home birth is.

And it would piss me off, but rather than me commit an infraction on the email, I'd let HR know how offended I was and let them handle it.

It would be a different story if she directly asked the op, but I don't think she did. I still would not email her via the work system, rather get her personal email addy.


We spend a lot of time with our co-workers, more than with our families in some cases. I think we forget that they may not be our friends, may not be our family, and may not think any way shape or form the same as we do.
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#19 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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QUOTE=intorainbowz;10719638]I find the idea that somone would use the work email system to preach about cs as offensive as if someone had sent an email to a home birther telling them how dangerous home birth is.

And it would piss me off, but rather than me commit an infraction on the email, I'd let HR know how offended I was and let them handle it.

It would be a different story if she directly asked the op, but I don't think she did. I still would not email her via the work system, rather get her personal email addy.


We spend a lot of time with our co-workers, more than with our families in some cases. I think we forget that they may not be our friends, may not be our family, and may not think any way shape or form the same as we do.[/QUOTE]


:
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#20 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 11:36 PM
 
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I would probably speak to her directly, or send her a message on a personal email address along the lines as follows:

Dear T,

I know you are so excited to be soon meeting your baby and I send lots of warm thoughts your ways in these final days as you've been struggling with edema and its discomforts.

So-and-so mentioned to me that your doctor is recommending a c-section prior to 39 weeks due to the size of the baby.

I certainly don't mean to impose unsolicited advice, or tread on your birthing choices if you have made up your mind and are confident about your decision. However, I also know that there are many cases where women look back on their decisions and wish they'd had more information.

If you would like to read more about your choices and about other women who have been in similar situations, I would be happy to share some resources with you. If not, I take no personal offense and am glad you feel secure in your decision.

Yours,
-

. . . and then the key is that you actually have to stick to it and not raise the topic again (even if she doesn't "raise to the bait" as you might wish her to).

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#21 of 51 Old 03-07-2008, 11:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No i did not send it via our work e-mail, but honestly i dont think she will care either way. Either she wants more info, or she doesnt read it and thats the end of it. I still havent heard back from her so i think she probubly deleted it. Hey, i tried.

We are both medical assistants in a pediatrics office and i am in school for nursing - so talking about medical issues is pretty typical for us. Through her whole pregnancy she has been talking about having a natural birth, being able to breastfeed right away....etc..

Due to clinicals this semester i havent worked during the week lately, so i havent talked to her. We are friends though and usually get together a lot (except for the last month or so). She is going to the same OB that induced me on my due date, just because. And is delivering at a hosptial that has a 40-something% c-section rate...it just makes me sad that she might possibly be feeling pressured because she is pretty little (5'2'')....and if giving her some extra info and support for a vaginal birth may help her then i had to take that chance.
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#22 of 51 Old 03-08-2008, 04:20 AM
 
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Of course you did & good for you for caring enough when so many wouldn't bother.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#23 of 51 Old 03-08-2008, 11:04 PM
 
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I would not have been pleased to get something like that after my decision had already been made. I think it would have been better to just let her make her own choices and stay out of it.
It's unlikely her surgery-hungry OB has shared the facts with her. I'd send her the motherfriendly.org cesarean fact sheet to start her thinking. And that's all I'd do. Then I'd send her the link to ICAN and tell her to make sure she lines up a good LC in advance since moms who have c-sections are more likely to have problems breastfeeding.

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#24 of 51 Old 03-08-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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Did you send this over your business email?

Because I'd have HR on the phone so fast if someone sent me an email on the work system discussing my birth choices, especially if I had made an informed decision and did not wish to discuss this further.
Wow, that's really friendly and rational of you. Someone tries to help you by offering you true and dispassionate information so you turn around and try to get them fired. I'm glad I don't work with you.

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#25 of 51 Old 03-08-2008, 11:44 PM
 
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Wow, that's really friendly and rational of you. Someone tries to help you by offering you true and dispassionate information so you turn around and try to get them fired. I'm glad I don't work with you.
And of course you'd feel the exact same way if your co-worker did the same to you about UC?

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#26 of 51 Old 03-08-2008, 11:57 PM
 
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Wow, that's really friendly and rational of you. Someone tries to help you by offering you true and dispassionate information so you turn around and try to get them fired. I'm glad I don't work with you.

I agree.

If someone tried to tell me something I didn't agree with, I'd just tell them I'd made my decision and it was really none of their business, but thanks anyway. We do it all the time when someone questions our natural parenting practices, I'm sure the "other side" can do the same without flying totally off the handle.

OP, have you heard back from her yet?
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#27 of 51 Old 03-09-2008, 12:04 AM
 
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And of course you'd feel the exact same way if your co-worker did the same to you about UC?
:

I asked earlier how people would react if the email in question had been warning of the risks of home birth. I'm sure the reaction would be very different on MDC if someone had emailed a member discussing the risks of HB or UC. I actually can picture someone saying "Did they use the work email? Because I'd go after their job if someone sent me an email over the work system questioning my home birth, breast feeding, pumping, EC, whatever."

And I don't see myself as being on the "other side"
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#28 of 51 Old 03-09-2008, 03:20 AM
 
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I'm sure the reaction would be very different on MDC if someone had emailed a member discussing the risks of HB or UC. I actually can picture someone saying "Did they use the work email? Because I'd go after their job if someone sent me an email over the work system questioning my home birth, breast feeding, pumping, EC, whatever."
Well, I guess I'd be the odd one out because my answer would still be the same.
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#29 of 51 Old 03-09-2008, 09:35 AM
 
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And of course you'd feel the exact same way if your co-worker did the same to you about UC?
I never take the offer of information personally. If a coworker had sent me an article saying, "I read this about UC and thought you might be interested," I would read it with thanks. If it didn't change my mind (I'm not uninformed, so it would be unlikely that it would), I would tell her that it was interesting and I appreciated her concern, but...(fill in the blank with why I was comfortable with my decision despite the new information).

IMO, people who are offended by information, or even by the calmly-expressed opinions of others that differ from their own, are insecure and afraid.

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#30 of 51 Old 03-09-2008, 09:38 AM
 
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Well, I guess I'd be the odd one out because my answer would still be the same.
Me too. Whenever someone offers me info contradictory to my own choices, I look at it. I'm not doing things my way just for the sake of doing them my way. Maybe I'll learn something. If it isn't useful info (let's say someone sent me the Pang study to try to convince me not to have a homebirth), they have opened a dialog that will allow *me* to educate *them*, and they can't even complain since they started it

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