Cesarean support circle III (moved from Finding Your Tribe) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 110 Old 09-29-2003, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OT

MamaOui-just noticed what a beautiful name you've chosen-I like it a lot!
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#62 of 110 Old 09-30-2003, 07:51 AM
 
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still OT: Thanks, ladylee. I really like the names of your dds. In fact, I named my friend's daughter Isabella a few years back.
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#63 of 110 Old 09-30-2003, 09:45 PM
 
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Had to vent...my Mom(lives in Boston) just suggested on the phone that it might be easier if we just schedule a repeat cesarian because it would be easier for her and Dad to get plane tickets to Japan if she knew the date.
Grrrrrrr....no Mom this is not about your convenience.
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#64 of 110 Old 10-01-2003, 10:11 AM
 
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Hikaru-- sorry

Ok, so last night I asked dh if he thought vbac-ing was "worth it". We will most likely be moving when I'm about 32 weeks and we will have to find an ob or mw that will let me vbac plus a doula (very important to me if I vbac). Not to mention I can't shake this feeling that I'll end up with a repeat anyway.

So, what I've been thinkin is maybe I can find an ob that will schedule me to do a repeat AFTER my edd, I was thinking about a week after. I would prefer to be in labor for a bit before the c/b because from what I hear/read it is better if the babe is in a bit of labor first.

I guess I'm just leting my pride make my decision not my brain or my heart. I think if I go in knowing about the c/b I'll come out not being upset with myself... or maybe I will... why is this so hard?

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#65 of 110 Old 10-01-2003, 10:23 AM
 
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It so hard , if not impossible, to keep your pride out of it.
That's why I still feel like a failure deep down for having a cesarian the first time. And now that I get closer to my due date
I realize that I've been holding back emotionally from this baby, since I'm afraid that this birth will hurt me like the first one.
I want this baby very much but it's like I'm setting myself up to avoid feeling disappointed about the birth, so I'm remaining detached.
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#66 of 110 Old 10-01-2003, 10:39 AM
 
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I have the same issue...

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#67 of 110 Old 10-01-2003, 11:13 AM
 
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I'm not pg....but I share the same thoughts! I'm not planning on
anymore children for various reasons. ONe of them being that I
don't think I can emotionally manage another c/b. My c/b was a
classical cut so VBAC is not really an option.
Detatched if a very good term for what I would feel too!
How can we help it though?
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#68 of 110 Old 10-01-2003, 01:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm afraid that this birth will hurt me like the first one.-Hikaru

It was the same for me during this pregnancy-at my last appointment before our birth my doctor asked me how I was feeling about the upcoming cesarean. And I didn't lie-I said how *furious* I was that I was denied a VBAC by the hospital & that I didn't want to go through with it. I talked to her a lot about refusing surgery as an option. I really let myself be angry because I knew I had to acknowledge the feelings or I would be completely blocked. The morning of the birth I made everyone wait for twenty minutes while I emotionally grounded myself.

The good news is, and this is just my experience, that I *didn't* feel hurt by the birth this time, as I did with dd #1. It was such a *completely* different experience-the doctors did a better job than the first ones did, my recovery was/is far less painful, and two weeks later I am feeling euphoric about dd 2's birth/presence in a way I never did with #1. I try not to analyze it all too much, but suffice to say I'm happy with how it went, how I feel, and can be rather philosophical about how I'm destined to give birth.

I think the biggest lesson for me has been ego-related--when you have cesarean births you must be your own cheerleader and support to a large extent. It's a very internal process of giving yourself approval and recognition where others may not. There's something very gratifying in that, almost like it makes the birth more personal, more mine in a way because not everyone understands what I went through. Overcoming the emotional challenges that cesarean births present is very life-altering-just as overcoming pain with natural delivery is, I imagine.
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#69 of 110 Old 10-02-2003, 12:09 AM
 
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Ladylee, thanks for handing me a little cheese to go with last night's Whine. I was really feeling sorry for myself...
which I know I have to work through, but I also have to GET THE HECK OVER IT as I will be responsible for a new baby very soon,
a baby whom I want and am so looking forward to holding and loving. No matter yhow the birth goes it will not be the baby's fault. S/he deserves my full attention and unconditional love. I
went through that with DS...on some level I was angry at him for not cooperating in "my" birth experience.
At least with this baby I will be a bit more relaxed, more informed, and less focused on myself as I have an older child to come home to who also needs my attention.
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#70 of 110 Old 10-05-2003, 02:54 PM
 
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I just wanted to mention to those who were looking for a place dedicated to discussion about cesareans, that ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) has an e-mail list where you can get support on avoiding a c-section in the first place, recovering/healing from a section, preparing for VBAC and preparing to make necessary cesareans better experiences. The address for the list is http://www.ican-online.org/community/emailsupport.htm

I had an unnecessary c-section (I refuse to call it a cesarean birth, if you're happy calling it that, that's fine, but I don't feel that way) for my 2 year old son. I'm still not healed from it, physically or emotionally. I'm not sure that I ever will be.

mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

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#71 of 110 Old 10-05-2003, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How are you Hikaru? I hope I didn't come across as negating your feelings--just felt moved to share that I also felt that way prior to the birth and was surprised to have felt differently during the birth. I also experienced a degree of resentment w/dd #1 as though she were responsible for "putting" me through all that. It's natural, isn't it? And I felt a small degree of resentment w/dd #2 as well. Fortunately, those feelings have passed. It's all so complex to sort out. I hope you're doing well with everything on all levels-mentally, physically, etc.

Welcome, Devaskyla. I see that you're new to Mothering-just wanted to mention there's also a VBAC forum here at MDC if you haven't discovered it already.

Week two of new motherhood, and I have to say that the universe has been making up for a lot of the emotional pain I experienced with my first birth. A lot of the loss, sadness, and anger I felt has been reconciled somehow. I look back on my first birth experience and have a lot of admiration for myself--I went through some very tough times (dealing with an open incision, breastfeeding challenges, a high-need infant) and I managed to perservere and overcome many problems and deal with the emotions. Things are much different w/dd#2 and everything feels effortless--I can truly appreciate what I went through the first time around.
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#72 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 05:17 AM
 
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I had a c- birth 3 weeks ago after 18 hours of unmedicated labor. After 5 1/2 hours of not dialating past 7-8 I agreed to a c-section. I was sleep deprived having begun labor at night and I couldn't stand the pain not to mention my 2 minute long contractions were causing the baby distress. It took them an hour more until they did the c- section and thank god when that spinal took effect I could have a minute without pain. I did have to have 2 spinals because the first one didn't work on my left side at all.

I am still questioning the whole thing, as I waited for the c- section I had to push with each contraction and I was never checked so I wonder if I had dialated more... I had tried different positions to help the baby but to no avail. His 15" head wasn't molded so they said he never made it into the birth canal and he ended up being 10lbs 13oz. I had gone to a chiroprator and had seen an acupuncturist to open my pelvis and to get the baby into the right position, but he was still posterior the whole labor.

I hated the pain and the problems and the lack of bonding with ds after the section. I can't believe people choose to do this... I am wishing I could try it again because so many people drilled into my head "your body won't make a baby you can't birth". HA! Mine did. It still makes me think I did something wrong, I didn't try hard enough, I made a wrong decision. The nurses thought I could keep laboring and not do the c-section. They weren't me, I was exhausted and could not keep going. I probably should have asked for an epidural to get some rest but I thought that would just lead to the c section so I went straight there instead. I thought I had resolved this but I guess not. I tried talking to dh about this and he doesn't want to discuss it at all.
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#73 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 07:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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vwmama--first of all, congratulations on the birth of your little one-
I hope you're both doing well .

"It still makes me think I did something wrong, I didn't try hard enough, I made a wrong decision. "

I felt this way for a long time as well-it's very hard when you're second guessing yourself, isn't it?

Thinking of you, and I hope it gets better day by day...
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#74 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 10:28 AM
 
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What else could you have done? You saw a chiro and an acupunturist. You tried different positions. You went 18 hours without meds trying to do this!

To me it sounds like you did plenty! And youa re right...the nurses aren't you. We all think back and say, what could I have done to make things different. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what we could have done. Your labor sounds a lot like mine. My son didn't have a molded head and was posterior the whole time. He never dropped...and he was little!

I'm not sure what makes us think that we can control everything in life. Yes, labor and birth is a natural thing. But even way back when before medical interventions and such there were women that STILL needed help! Animals birth beautifully. They remain calm and let nature do its thing but sometimes they STILL need help!

You did a beautiful thing. You and your dh created a little life. You worked hard to not be pressured by your OB in the end. You labored, giving your babe a beautiful start! You had a different ending in your birth than you anticipated but the overall result was still the same! You have a beautiful baby boy who you are going to raise in the most natural way possible! Think of how lucky your son is to have a mom like you!

T
But I wrote the above post to help vwmama feel better but I think I ended up writing my own pep talk. I feel like I'm finally starting to pinpoint why I'm hesitant to VBAC and how I really feel. I think I have spent the last 17 months trivializing how I feel and I'm tired of it!8 Its time for me to step up and embrace my sons birth and the things that have happened!

Anyway, vwmama...if you could make heads or tails of my post... Congrats on the babe!!!

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#75 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 11:25 AM
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I wish I had more time to contribute to this thread. I just wanted to say (again) that it took me 5.5 years and 4 children to finally make peace with my classical c-birth and that all my babies are born by c-birth. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself (not that you ladies are doing that! Just MY personal exp.) and have accepted it. I had a WONDERFUL birth exp. with Addie Mae 3 weeks ago. I also had to make peace witht he fac that for some unknown reason (poss. insulin ressistance) my body does not make enough milk to sustain a baby. Not only is this my 4th c-birthed baby, but it is also my 4th bottlefed baby. It sucks, but that's just the way it is for me. I tried everything known to womankind to make milk for her, yet nothing happened. Weird, I know, but this is the THIRD time this has happened. (don't forget I had twins the first time, if yer doin' the math! LOL!) I just have had to stop comparing myself to others and know that I AM a wonderful mother. I have always done the VERY BEST I could for my lil darlin's. I'm ONLY speaking from my exp. None of this should be percieved as me telling you other mamas how to feel. One thing that made me put in all in perspective was my mw. She very gently told me that if I was going to ever get oer this I was going to have to get thicker skin. That yes, it sucked, but that I still have a wonderful baby (well, 4 wonderful babies), that the mamas that judge me were NOT there. They are Monday Morning Quaterbacking and that I don't OWE anyone a glimpse of my personal pain unless I want to give it to them. I don't have to justify to them all the hardwork and pain I have endured. I don't have to beg them to believe that I made the right decision. I OWN the decisions that I have made. Only I could make them with the information I had at the time. I finally feel NO GUILT.

I AM FREE TO ENJOY MY C-BIRTHS, AND MY BOTTLEFED BABIES!!!

HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!!!

I will pray for you mamas. I will pray that you find peace in whatever your decisions have been and whatever you choose to do in the future.

Remember your experinces make you who you are, that special mama that was chosen just right for that special babe you carried.
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#76 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 12:53 PM
 
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To all of you mamas. A an extra hug to TreeLove, whom I know personally. You have one mama not judging you, TreeLove. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
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#77 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 01:19 PM
 
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Another from me too....
and Congrats to the "new" mommas!!

It is hard to come to grips with c-sections sometimes, but all we can do is do the best for our babies, no matter how we do it....
When ever anyone whose just had a new babe asks me for advice, you know what I say....
"you need to do what works for you and your family and not worry about what everyone else is doing!!" It's hard at times trust me I know, but what could be more wonderful then a little babe no matter how they got here....

Take care all!!
vwmama my babe was 10lbs 6 oz...and there was no way he was coming out any way but c-birth....enjoy your "little" one.
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#78 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 01:48 PM
 
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When ppl found out I had a c/s they are shocked...not sure why though.

A friend of mine had a c/s in June and since no one else had had one I was the only one she had to ask questions. It might sound silly but I've found that my birth experience has actually become very useful. I've been able to share with more women about natural parenting,birthing, and c/b than I would have if I had had a v/b.

Am I the only one with that experience?

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#79 of 110 Old 10-07-2003, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Something I've been pondering lately is why some women need to hold cesarean births as something apart. For example, I participate in another parenting community which does a monthly newsletter. In the newsletter our birth was announced as "via c-section." Another woman who is expecting in October is also mentioned as "via c-section." Other women who also had babies weren't listed as having them "through their vagina"-why the need to make the cesarean ones stand out?
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#80 of 110 Old 10-08-2003, 10:06 AM
 
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I don't know...but I personally think it would be funny to see "through her vagina" all over the place! That just made me chuckle!

Single Mom to 2 amazing little men. T(7) and B(5)
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#81 of 110 Old 10-09-2003, 04:57 AM
 
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I started reading the first posts and started getting really upset about Cynthia Mosher's claim that C-section delivery should be in the same class as formula feeders or religious circumcision. Making the decision to feed formula and circ is a decision you make - not one that is made for you. In my eyes there are 2 ways to have a baby. vaginally and c-sec. I do not feel we have equal representation. I had to have a c-section if I wanted a healthy baby and a healthy me - not because I wanted my nether regions to remain tight (yeah someone actually said women get c-sections for this reason on another thread), not because I wanted a way longer recovery and a lot more pain. This might have been cleared up in later threads - I did not have time to read all of them. *SIGH*
I guess if you have never had a c-section you cannot appreciate the difference. *REALLY BIG SIGH*


Anyhoo...

The real reason I started reading this forum tonight is that at 13.5 months pp I have finally found a really good low ab exercise. I just started it yesterday and I am having incision pain that reminds me of the first few days - weeks postpartum. _ anybody have that? I am guessing it is my muscles in there somewhere.
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#82 of 110 Old 10-09-2003, 09:45 AM
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kinda OT, but wanting just mention that sometimes formula feeding is not a choice. I have tried to bf all 4 of my children and have never been able to make more than 3/4 of an ounce or so. I totally don't want to discuss this in here, I am just trying to spread awareness. The docs/mws/LCs can't figure out why I don't make enough milk, but I just don't. My babies become lethargic, juandiced, pass crytals, lose >12% body weight in 5 days, are bordrline hospitalization ( I can usu. talk my way out of that one!) etc. So please don't assume that all bottlefeeding moms make a choice to do so, sometimes it is only by necessity. I'm just saying this because many bfing AP moms see me in public and I get the cold shoulder, nasty looks and have even been chastized for not bf.

Okay, nuff said.
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#83 of 110 Old 10-09-2003, 10:51 AM
 
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{{{{Treelove....a wonderful mamma}}}}}}

babydoll~I don't think cynthia was trying to lump cbirth mammas with
ff and disposable diapers. I just think she was trying to give examples of all the forums ppl request and how it is not feasible to have a seperate forum for all. So the best thing for this situation was to have a Birth Forum (and beyond) that can encompass many, many birth issues and questions.
Please don't feel you don't have equal representation. I think this thread is fantastic and I already feel more powerful about my c/b story!
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#84 of 110 Old 10-09-2003, 02:48 PM
 
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Just wanted to second the "birth thru vagina" thing!
A much needed laugh!

Jen
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#85 of 110 Old 10-09-2003, 11:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So the best thing for this situation was to have a Birth Forum (and beyond) that can encompass many, many birth issues and questions.
Please don't feel you don't have equal representation.-Missgrl

I would have to say it's not possible to feel we're equally represented. It feels like we're given space as an offshoot. It's great to have the forum as a place for the many issues to be discussed, and I know Cynthia is taking our concerns into consideration, but what those of us who object object to (terrible phrasing, lol) is that those many birth issues that pertain to VBACs, Birth Stories, and Homebirth are given mention in the forum title. There's no mention of cesarean by necessity (as there was with the old system) and that's not equal representation. And as others have said, we are a large, active group here at MDC.
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#86 of 110 Old 10-10-2003, 01:10 AM
 
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i told my dh about the "through the vagine" thing...he about fell out of his chair!

The condesending looks and "oh"s that we get get to him too. He was there and he knows that we were misinformed and bullied.... it was too late on a friday night and the ob had a cocktail party to go to...or something...

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#87 of 110 Old 10-10-2003, 08:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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A rather insensitive acquaintence said something similar to me-about my doctor having a round of golf to get to :.
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#88 of 110 Old 10-10-2003, 10:42 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by ladylee

I would have to say it's not possible to feel we're equally represented. It feels like we're given space as an offshoot. It's great to have the forum as a place for the many issues to be discussed, and I know Cynthia is taking our concerns into consideration, but what those of us who object object to (terrible phrasing, lol) is that those many birth issues that pertain to VBACs, Birth Stories, and Homebirth are given mention in the forum title. There's no mention of cesarean by necessity (as there was with the old system) and that's not equal representation. And as others have said, we are a large, active group here at MDC.
Don't get me wrong.....I completely understand your viewpoint and not trying
to do any disagreeing (I know you're not either).....I'm just chatting!

The forum title which encompasses VBAC, hb and bstories, that you see on the main index page isn't actually the
'title'. Those are the subforums w/in the Birth and Beyond forum. To put C/B by neccesity in the 'title' would mean that it would be a subforum as well.
And since it's not an independent subforum....it's not on the index page.

I do know that cynthia is taking it all into consideration and doing some thinking. I agree that putting c/b somewhere would steer members in the right direction that are looking for support. Hopefully something can be worked out that will please all.
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#89 of 110 Old 10-10-2003, 12:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just chatting!

Me too!

Hopefully something can be worked out that will please all.

And I appreciate that the decision makers are listening to these concerns-thanks!
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#90 of 110 Old 10-10-2003, 05:44 PM
 
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I *soooooooooo* appreciate this discussion. And I'm so glad I found it, and yeah, I'd like it to be where it can be found.

My $ .02, even though I'm repeating some of what's already been said....

I took really great care of myself during my pregnancy with ds, and I *really* prepared myself for a drug-free vaginal birth. I had a very experienced midwife with a very low rate of c births. I also prepared myself for the possibility that things (any things) might not go the way I planned during my birth. I went 2 1/2 weeks late, and during that time, I did everything under the sun to try to get my labor going. Ds went into 2nd degree distress, and I finally had an emergency cesarean which I believe was medically necessary (and my midwife told me that ds wouldn't have made through labor, *if* we could have even gotten it going). Ds was fine, and I was relieved.

We are still nursing, 28 months later (and I am 10 wks pg). I do cloth diapers, co-sleep, we're vegetarians, we love the earth, yada yada yada.

What I really don't like is when there's a "crunchiness" contest (for lack of a better description) when someone tries to tell me that my cesarean wasn't necessary or that I somehow failed. I hate it! It's so rude! (And yes, it has happened to me on these boards--not this thread, though.) These people don't know the whole story, they haven't reviewed my medical records, and they certainly aren't thinking about my feelings. Yeah, there are a lot of cesareans--too many. Many *are* unnecessary. But who's qualified to decide that? And does it make women feel better to have this aimed against them? Does it do any good? It certainly doesn't preven't cesareans to rub women's noses in their "failures."

I want a safe place to talk about what happened and what my options are in this and future pregnancies. I don't want dogma shoved down my throat (as it has been on some VBAC threads), and I don't want to feel judged because I don't feel awful about my c birth and because I'm saying "I'll *try* for a VBAC this time" (because I am going to *try* and try hard, but realistically, it could happen again). I *do* understand that many women feel traumatized by their c births, and I want to be supportive of them.

I do feel like the baby is what really matters in the end; I'm glad that it was my *birth* that was disappointing, not my ds.

I'd like the word "cesarean" to be mentioned somewhere. I suggest something like "talking about cesareans", which is pretty neutral. Unfortunately, it would apply to a lot of women. And I think if Mothering does want to get women on the VBAC track, getting them to the point where there's a safe place to talk about their cesareans, what happened, what they wanted to have happen, what they'd like for the future, etc. would be a good start. At the *very* least, the VBAC threads could be more closely moderated.

For many women, a cesarean *is* a loss. There is a well-marked place for the discussion of miscarriage and still-birth. Can we have a safe place, too?

Kristine
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