Reading all of these posts has brought up so many emotions in me.
I do think it is so amazing that most if not all of us were so careful in our pregnancies, and read and learned as much as we could. That we took care of ourselves the best way we knew how, and yet, here we all are. I do believe, like XM said, a lot of it is just chance or luck. I don't know how else to explain it.
To all of the mamas that ended up in the hospital, who wanted a home birth,
I know exactly how it feels.
My dd was a planned homebirth but ended up being born in the hospital because she decided she wanted to join us at 35 weeks. I think the hardest thing for me was, I'd had a successful hb with my ds, 19 months before that, and he'd was over 10 lbs, so it never even entered into my head during dd's pregnancy that I wouldn't have her at home. For the first couple days after she was born, I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare. I was in such shock.
My sweet baby girl is going to be 3 this month, and I can say that for the most part I am better at dealing with everything we went through surrounding her birth and the first ten days of her life. I know I'll never forget it, but at least it doesn't hurt to breathe when I think about it.
The first six months following her birth were so awful. I was in such depression and a panicked place, all the time. I felt like such a huge failure because of all the things that were forced on both her and I at the hospital. They didn't care about my wishes, or her, or anything. We managed to escape some things, but other things, we weren't so lucky.
I beat myself up for so long about not having her in the car, on the way. I knew she was healthy, but concern for the 'what ifs' and the unknown over rode that. I know I was right to think of her first, and my feelings about hospitals and interventions second.
I'm done with regrets, and what ifs, and should haves and all of that. But it still hurts, sometimes. And I think that some parts just always will.
I've found it most helpful to just focus on her, and not the past. Her sweet, precious beautiful self and her amazing smile have healed me in ways I never thought possible. She is such a gift to me.
And, I still have hope that maybe someday I'll have another chance to have a gentle, peaceful home birth. It's my dream.