So, I edited a very, very long story to this: Began labor on a Tuesday morning at home, went to the hospital Friday morning to get Pit to stay in labor. At 4:00 PM all of the residents on the maternity floor went home for the weekend with no one checking to see if there was some one who would be delivering! So, the Head Nurse in OB came and shut off my pit! And my labor stopped!!!
So, they called the on call OB to come in (he came 3 hours later), he was a nasty old man who examined me, grabbed the baby's head and completed his head rotation without telling me (the pain!
) then threatened me with a CS if I did not have the baby in half an hour! I screamed at him, got very scared, told them to crank up the pit and had my baby in half an hour, 9:30PM Friday night. Thank the gods the OB was not there, it was just the MWs, my mom and DS's father. Later, the OB had the nerve to tell the MWs "see, I knew I could get that baby out in half an hour" and I heard him say it!
So, about my feelings, because that is what you asked...at first I was both so, so angry at the hospital and at that awful OB, and at the same time overwhelmed with the love for my new baby. I did not feel like I had failed, in fact I felt very empowered about having labored 4 days with out pain meds. I think the thing that hurt the most is that I used anger and spitefulness to birth my baby (I'll show that OB) instead of love and peacefulness. KWIM? But the MWs, at the time of the actual pushing/birthing surrounded me with peace and love, and when DS actually arrived it was a blessed time and for that moment it was all worth it.
After, it did take months and months to get over the feelings of anger, guilt and sadness, but when I felt bad, DS would make me see how worth it it all was.
My next baby was born in a hospital. I realized for me, it was WHO I gave birth with rather than where. I love the midwifery practice I go to (they were the back ups for the lay MWs I used for my HB). Ironically, my next baby was born 45 minutes after getting to the hospital, 4 hours total labor. I still did not get my peaceful birth (I screamed like a wild animal!
ild) but I did get the birth I wanted...no meds or any interventions.
Give yourself time to feel, and enjoy yur child. More than anything, time and my DS helped the most.