How do you tactfully, politely tell a LOVED ONE to not attend your birth?*UPDATE* - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 55 Old 05-03-2008, 06:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by milkydoula View Post
Two routes:

One, be upfront. Tell her that you love her very much, but this is a very important time for you and need people that are 100% supportive of your birth choices. You would love to call her after the birth when you are settled, but you don't think she could give you the support you need for natural childbirth.

Two, just don't say anything. Let her think that she will be there and then just don't call her when you go into labor and head to the birth center. It just happened so fast!

Only you know what approach would work best!
I like this response. My parents were a bit of a nightmare as well, and when I was pregnant with my second baby I told them ahead of time that I would be calling them once I got home (planned hospital birth both times) and that's exactly what I did. My parents got the call the day after my DD was born.
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#32 of 55 Old 05-04-2008, 09:28 AM
 
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I told everyone I didn't know how I'd feel and I'd call them when I was ready for them.

Laura, CBE and mom to Maddiewaterbirth.jpg ( 06/03/04) & Graceuc.jpg (  09/10/06)
 
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#33 of 55 Old 05-04-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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I told everyone I didn't know how I'd feel and I'd call them when I was ready for them.
I think that is perfect. This is a great way to handle it.
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#34 of 55 Old 05-04-2008, 10:42 AM
 
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Honestly, when it comes to my birth experiences there isn't a lot of room for tact or politeness. You need to just come out with it and say "You are not welcome at this birth. We will call you when you can come and visit our new family member." You do not owe anyone some long, drawn out explanation on why they are not invited, they are not entitled to that. YOU, however, are entitled to a peaceful, satisfying birth, and I really think that needs to be your main focus right now, not being "tactful".
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#35 of 55 Old 05-04-2008, 10:37 PM
 
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If this is your second birth and she lives two hours away there might not be enough time for her to get there for the birth. I WANTED my mom to be there and she couldn't make it in time. If you don't want her there just don't call her until it's too late, and tell her it just went faster than you expected.
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#36 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 10:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe just let the nurses escort her out
Believe me...Looking back, I wish the nurse had done that. Especially to my dad. He actually WENT UP TO THE MIDWIFE when I was in transition (I didn't know I was in transition) and said, "Give my baby girl an epidural NOW! You're a bad midwife. You're not doing your job!"

:

Ughhh....Can you imagine the nightmare I had with them? If I hadn't been so delusional with the pain, I would have yelled, "Get OUT OF HERE you two! I'll call you when it's over dam* it!"



-Caitrin

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#37 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 10:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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If this is your second birth and she lives two hours away there might not be enough time for her to get there for the birth. I WANTED my mom to be there and she couldn't make it in time. If you don't want her there just don't call her until it's too late, and tell her it just went faster than you expected.
I like this idea for this birth!

Not for births 3, 4, 5 and 6 though, lol. "Hey mom, sorry it was just too l-" "Oh I FIGURED OUT A LONG TIME AGO you don't want me there ok!?"

Haha.

Anyway, hopefully I'll have a shorter labor this time so it will seem more legit to not call, ya know?

-Caitrin

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#38 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 11:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mama_y_sol View Post
I would totally give her the role of watching your first child. "Mom, I really need you to watch him, knowing he is in your care will allow me not to worry about him when I am in labor." Make her feel like you really need her to do this job and there is no one else you want caring for dc when you are giving birth.
Yeah...I'm really not going to have anyone else that would be willing to drive all the way down here...I could even use that as my main reason, "NO ONE ELSE can do this but you! You're the only one I trust, etc."

Let's just hope my 9 year old sister won't have dance competition while I'm in labor...Then she definitely won't come down since she's "never missed one of her competitions" :

Oh brother...let's talk about priorities, shall we?

-Caitrin

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#39 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 11:43 AM
 
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I would ask her to take care of your little one, or tell her she will have to wait in the waiting area/family lounge or whatever the old fashioned way. That way she could still see you after the birth. I don't agree with the not telling her you are in labor option. I'm imagining my own child doing that to me and it just seems needlessly hurtful. I would much rather someone tell me that I wasn't behaving in the way they need me to, than just shut me out. Yes, some people are just plain toxic and you can't have that, but others are just truly oblivious. And it's hard to see your child in pain, all rational thought may have just gone out the window for her. Again, I think let her come to the birth center but not let her in the birthing room. Or she stays home with the kid. Or she may just be horribly toxic in which case ignore me.
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#40 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 12:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RedPony View Post
Excellent replies above. My first thought was tell her, "Mom, you're not invited." : Be very polite and very firm. Then don't discuss it. Period.
that is what we did. she's not happy, but she doesn't get a vote.
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#41 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 02:56 PM
 
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my mom is a passive-aggressive guilt tripping drama QUEEN who thinks women cant have babies without hospitals and episiotomies. So I get your problem. But I just tell her "I don't want anyone there but dh and the midwives" and let her deal with her own drama. As far as the mother in law goes, if your mom asks how come SHE gets to go and blah blah blah just be like "Well mil has had 12 kids naturally so I thought she would be good support for dh." or something like that. Its tricky because if you sound confrontational or blame your mom for what happened last time, then it definitely causes a rift. Just be matter of fact and dont budge. Shes an adult, she can just deal with it.

Oh yea, and I second the motion to not call her when you are in labor. Just because she's not physically there doesnt mean she wont bug the crap out of you blowing up your phone for hours. Or suddenly show up unannounced... I will not be calling my mom until we are settled w baby and feel comfortable having people over. Just my 2 cents.
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#42 of 55 Old 05-05-2008, 05:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BetsyS View Post
My mom's job this time is to care for my toddler. It's a very important job, one she'll be best at it.

ANd, it makes me happy.
I really like this idea.

"Mom, the only person I really trust watching DC is you. Can I count on you to do that when I go into labor?"
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#43 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 12:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Please read my update!

Thanks in advance

-Caitrin

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#44 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 01:40 AM
 
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I think she just proved that she can't be supportive of what you need. If she will not respect your wishes to not be there, then you can't tell her when you go into labor.

Sarah-wife, mother, doula, and teacher.
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#45 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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Here is what I did when i had to help get my friend's grandmother out of the room:

I left and went and told one of the nurses she was really bothering her and asked if she could ask her to leave. I knew she wouldn't listen to me.

So the nurse came in and asked if she could wait in the waiting room because she needed to "check some things" and she couldn't have any distractions. I was able to stay because i was her doula. Then they just didn't let her back in.

Maybe you could see if you can have the people at the birth center handle it? Perhaps you should talk to them ahead of time and see what they suggest. Maybe they could help you with that so that in the end you can let her blame them and that way she's not mad at you.
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#46 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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I'm sorry she wasn't understanding. I think you either need to not tell her when you are in labor or just be flat out very direct with her. Not explain yourself away and not leave it open for discussion. "Mom, I don't want you there, it will make the birth a very different experience than I want it to be." And then reuse to explain why, refuse to explain what you want refuse to discuss it. Because if she cannot respect your feelings enough to just say, "okay whatever makes it better for you at your birth." and leave it alone, than nothing you say to her will make her understand. I think the fact that you were shaking and afraid to even tell her that she wasn't supportive of you last time shows there is long long history of her not respecting your needs and your feelings. : It's your birth mama, you don't need this stress. You are not a bad person and you are not a bad daughter for telling her, "mom back off, I'm not having you at the birth and that's final."
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#47 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 01:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry she wasn't understanding. I think you either need to not tell her when you are in labor or just be flat out very direct with her. Not explain yourself away and not leave it open for discussion. "Mom, I don't want you there, it will make the birth a very different experience than I want it to be." And then reuse to explain why, refuse to explain what you want refuse to discuss it. Because if she cannot respect your feelings enough to just say, "okay whatever makes it better for you at your birth." and leave it alone, than nothing you say to her will make her understand. I think the fact that you were shaking and afraid to even tell her that she wasn't supportive of you last time shows there is long long history of her not respecting your needs and your feelings. : It's your birth mama, you don't need this stress. You are not a bad person and you are not a bad daughter for telling her, "mom back off, I'm not having you at the birth and that's final."
Well thank you for your heartfelt advice

I really appreciate it...

-Caitrin

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#48 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 02:06 AM
 
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Is it possible for MIL to watch your son and just have dh there... maybe get a doula if you want extra support?
I am sorry your mom is being so difficult. It is so hard when they don't understand. My mom was present for 2 of my 5 births. The first one wasn't so bad (child #2) the 2nd one (child #3) was so horrible that I didn't even tell her when I went in to labor with 4 and 5. She was just nuts (really... seriously) my midwife told her to leave the room. It was crazy. I love my mom, but she is not a support labor partner. LOL

((hugs)) mama. Be strong. Birth is a powerful life changing experience and you want people there who will support you and protect you (the way you want them too).

H

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#49 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 02:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe you could see if you can have the people at the birth center handle it? Perhaps you should talk to them ahead of time and see what they suggest. Maybe they could help you with that so that in the end you can let her blame them and that way she's not mad at you.
My mother in law suggested that too. That way the midwives would be the bad guys in my mom's mind, and not me. It's alot more appealing that way, to me anyway.

My midwives will understand, right? Well, I think so. My appointment with them is in 2 weeks. Perhaps I'll talk with them about it then...

If I do though, any thoughts on how to word it to the midwives without making my mom sound awful? Because she's really not...I just don't want it to come across that way.

-Caitrin

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#50 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 02:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Is it possible for MIL to watch your son and just have dh there... maybe get a doula if you want extra support?
Yes it's possible but I just REALLY want my mother in law there- the main reason is because of how she was last time. She did not replace my mom in any means like my mom thought, but she DID coach my husband (her son) to be an amazing support.

My husband needs coaching He needs someone influential such as his mom (they are best friends) to tell him the best ways to help me.

I still remember before I gave up with an epidural at transition after 9 hours of pitocin the best part of my etire labor...When contractions were 30 seconds apart at only 5 cm (yes, pitocin DOES DO that to you), she told him to get in my face and make me look into his eyes and blow out the pain.

It seriously worked beyond belief and it was about then that my mom started encouraging the epidural so that's when DH's help came to an end He still gets tears in his eyes about it until this day!

So anyhow, I just really need my MIL there. At this point, I can't imagine a birth without her. Oh, and she just found out she's pregnant with child number 13 so she'll be 6 months pregnant at my birth! This is wonder woman here...lol.

-Caitrin

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#51 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 02:41 AM
 
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My mother in law suggested that too. That way the midwives would be the bad guys in my mom's mind, and not me. It's alot more appealing that way, to me anyway.

My midwives will understand, right? Well, I think so. My appointment with them is in 2 weeks. Perhaps I'll talk with them about it then...

If I do though, any thoughts on how to word it to the midwives without making my mom sound awful? Because she's really not...I just don't want it to come across that way.

-Caitrin
Sure, just tell them exactly what you told us.
It is very important for you to have people around you who support your choice to have a natural birth. She doesn't support that choice and has been a difficulty in the past. You love her but you need to make the best choice for you and your baby. Trust me, i'm SURE they've had to deal with this before. It's completely normal to not want some members of the family in the room. They might even have a standard plan that they use.

BTW: Just a tip for having a natural birth: pain and relaxation cannot occupy the same space. As long as you relax every muscle in your body you'll be alright. I had a natural birth with no pain! It takes a lot of will power but it can be done.
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#52 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 12:18 PM
 
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Some perspective:

You are afraid of being too confrontational, of hurthing your mother's feelings. That's a very healthy and valid feeling you're having. HOWEVER. Your mother has not shown the same respect for you. Despite you clearly stating your wishes, she has not beein the slightest bit concerned for YOUR feelings, YOUR wishes, and YOUR needs.

Please keep that in mind when you put your foot down. You can do it in a calm and rational manner, but hold on to that thought so you don't waver. You do not owe it to your mother to provide her some experience of YOUR birth. You don't owe it to your mother to tiptoe around and try not to hurt her feelings. There is NOTHING hurtful about your needs; the only issue is your mother's selfish position.

So, I hope that rather than making you want to back down, her very perplexing and disrespectful reaction will help you to recognize what is going on and stand up for yourself.

Can you imagine if your mother told you that she needed you to do X rather than Y and you insisted that you didn't care, you would still do Y? And then if your mother admitted that last time you did Y, it was a problem for her, that you insisted that you were going to do Y whether she liked it or not, and that SHE was hurting YOU for asking otherwise??

Can you IMAGINE???

Homeschooling mama to 6 year old DD.

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#53 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 12:32 PM
 
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My mom was in nursing school whe I had my third, what a nightmare!! She wanted to be part of the team. And not my team. Atone point during my labor sliding my leg back and forth over the bed helped me get through contractions. I was going along quite nicely whe she start in with,

"Honey, stop doing that, it isn't good for you skin."

Me "Whaaaaaaaatttttttt?"

her, "If you keep that up you are going to have skin breakdown."

Me, "Are you freeking serious mom, I am not 80 year old I'm not going to give myself a bed sore!!!!"

her, "well wil you at least let me put some lotion on your leg"

me "OMG, leave me alone!!!!!!"

Baby # 4 I told her she could be there as my mom, but if she tried to pull any of that nurse crap I would throw her out!

Good luck!

Solo Mum to 4 and loving every minute of it!!!!
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#54 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 06:56 PM
 
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Wow, that's a lot isn't it? I'm feeling so very fortunate that my mom has come full circle since I started having babies. My worry is my sister so I can completely understand your position.

There's no way of doing this without her feeling hurt by it. What you must remember is that A) she is feeling hurt. You did not hurt her. B) Loving someone doesn't mean always catering to their desires. She loves you and wants to be there. This isn't about her. DO what is right for your birth.

Good luck!
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#55 of 55 Old 05-25-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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Since she said that she encouraged the epidural because it was difficult for her to see you in pain, you can try to play that angle and tell her that you will most likely be in tons of pain and are not getting any pain meds and that you cannot put her through that. You can tell her that you understand that she just wants to protect you, but that you won't be able to do what you need to do if you are worried about upsetting her. I find that, sometimes, making it about them instead of you can help, when all else fails.

You can also reiterate the fact that you will not be able to labour stress-free if your DC is not with someone you completely trust and that she is the only person who can fill that position. Make it sound exciting and important, she will get to come soon after the birth or you will come home soon after and she will get to introduce the new baby to your other child, etc.

Single mom to E (2004) and D (2010)
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