what do you say to someone who wants a baby but doesnt want to give birth? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 73 Old 07-26-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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I'd tell her she might not be ready to be a parent yet. Parenting is a lot about sacrifices, and she has to be willing to do some work to get the rewards. It's not about instant gratification, cute clothes and laughing babies all the time. There's poop and puke and feeding and crying and lots of stuff that isn't very glamourous.

Maybe she could get a cat.
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#62 of 73 Old 07-26-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
Hey, you guys, just ease up a little. You don't know this woman's history.

I know a woman who gets violently ill when she thinks of pregnancy and breastfeeding. The reason is a multi-year history of sexual abuse from childhood. She plans to eventually adopt but has already started going through significant counseling to get past the view that the kids available for adoption were "damaged" like her or how she would deal with a potential adoptive child who had been abused. It's been a really difficult road. Someday she will make a good mother to somebody.

We only have what the OP says here. It's not enough to decide this woman is shallow, horrible, a sad symptom of western society or what have you.
Completely agree with every bit of this.

Also, my births have been far from beautiful and empowering unfortunately (and they were NOT hospital inductions, the last was a home waterbirth), were completely devestating each time and it took me 2 years after deciding that I wanted another child after the last to get "brave" enough to become pregnant again and have to prepare myself for another birth.

No one here except the OP knows this person so the entire story isn't known. It is kind of pointless to be so judgemental.
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#63 of 73 Old 07-26-2008, 06:04 PM
 
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Completely agree with every bit of this.

Also, my births have been far from beautiful and empowering unfortunately (and they were NOT hospital inductions, the last was a home waterbirth), were completely devestating each time and it took me 2 years after deciding that I wanted another child after the last to get "brave" enough to become pregnant again and have to prepare myself for another birth.

No one here except the OP knows this person so the entire story isn't known. It is kind of pointless to be so judgemental.
Um.... I don't quite see how having traumatic birth experiences makes a good reason to try to encourage a woman who's scared that pregnancy will make her "vulnerable" to have kids.

She doesn't want to get pregnant, cool. She can become a mom in any number of ways and be terrific.

She and her partner think adopted kids are damaged? Not cool. And a sign that they'd have trouble handling things if the child they pay someone else to bear has problems.
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#64 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 08:47 AM
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i would suggest that she examine why she 'wants' something. if you think you want a baby but do not want to care for a baby (in whatever that requires), then you do not want a baby.

it's as simple as that.
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#65 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 03:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
i would suggest that she examine why she 'wants' something. if you think you want a baby but do not want to care for a baby (in whatever that requires), then you do not want a baby.

it's as simple as that.
:

Having kids around makes you MORE dependent than just being pregnant. You cannot do anything 'on your own' unless you have someone else to take over for you. Want to poop by yourself? Take a shower? Better have someone to hold the baby.
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#66 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 03:20 PM
 
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I get what you all are saying in correlation to being pregnant and actually having the child but I don't think that having a baby/child makes a person more dependent. It really depends on the persons personality and patience level how dependent they might be.

And hearing that a woman wants a baby but doesn't want to be pregnant makes me think that there is fear in the pain/unknown of childbirth.

But I have done many things (including poop ) and grown a huge amount since having children. I didn't plan my first and I probably never would have...but now that I have children I am a much different person.
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#67 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 03:27 PM
 
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You should point out to her that children that share her DNA, whether she births them or a surrogate does, can also be "damaged". There are no guarantees with children regardless of their parentage.

Momma to three fine children, one that lives in my heart and two that live in my arms.
Circumcision is wrong, regardless of gender
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#68 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 03:33 PM
 
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You should point out to her that children that share her DNA, whether she births them or a surrogate does, can also be "damaged". There are no guarantees with children regardless of their parentage.
This is so true...thanks for pointing that out. We all have some kind of hereditary issues that may even be unknown. I really like living by the idea that there are no guarantees in life. period.
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#69 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 04:05 PM
 
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Everyone please remember that we are talking about a real person with real feelings, who is deserving of respect, if not for her opinions, then for her personhood.

Personally, I have known women who hated pregnancy and birth, and didn't much like the squishy icky newborn phase, who were still good mothers, and good people. I've never known anyone who sought out a surrogate or a wetnurse because of their aversions (though I have known those who used early epidurals and bottlefed because of them), but given our cultural hatred of women and biological functions and especially birth, it doesn't surprise me much that some women would contemplate that.
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#70 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 04:12 PM
 
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great.

tell her to have fun spending upwards of 30K (surrogacy ain't cheap) to avoid one of life's most beautiful experiences, and hope that her baby isn't too damaged for her (and that it doesn't mess up her life, house, make her dependent or vulnerable).

sounds like healthy parenting to me!

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#71 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 04:20 PM
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So is it necessary to not only be willing to go through childbirth but also to think it's "one of life's most beautiful experiences" in order to be worthy of motherhood? I mean seriously. I do unpleasant things knowing that the outcome is worthwhile. I feel no poetry about childbirth, but it's probably the easiest way to get a baby. I think it's really oppressive to play it up as a "beautiful experience" and mock women who differ. Same thing with breastfeeding. I HATE breastfeeding. I did it because it was worthwhile, not because it made me think of dewdrops and daffodils.
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#72 of 73 Old 07-27-2008, 05:49 PM
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My question to her would be: Do you know that babies grow up?

I too believe that we should respect the fact that everyone is entitled to their life and how they choose to live it. Not everyone is meant to give birth or find the experience as empowering and magical as most people on this forum do. So I respect that she is honest enough to acknowledge who she is. I have met many women who have children and really do not enjoy it or seem to want to be around them, yet they keep having more children.

However my concern is the word baby! Not family. It sounds like she is only dealing with the immediate issues. Labour and birth are so short compared to a lifetime of being a family. She should ask herself if she feels ready for the unknown. You cannot predict how your family will grow and it sounds like she wants to control everything. Not possible when raising children and building a family!

As for her adoption comment.....I can't comment on that without being harsh and judgemental and since I do not know her I will try and ignore that, rather than write the long and mean rant that is going through my head!

wbg...constantly amazed by Z , cherishing I , inspired by P , adoring K and still getting butterflies when I wake up with B !
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#73 of 73 Old 07-28-2008, 12:37 AM
 
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Closing for moderator review. Thanks for your patience.
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