Birth and Beyond
> Anybody so scared of another c-sec they don't think they will have another child?
ok I can deal with the weeks and weeks of nausea throwing up, not being able to breathe - but I don't know if I will ever be able to get over the thought of someone slicing into me again. I Know I know I know it was totally worth it for my daughter ( it is easy to say that now because I love her and know her and it is over). MY c-sec and recovery went very smoothly no problems - but the thought of getting pregnant again borders on me having a panic attack (seriously I get chest pains). I want my dd to have siblings but I am so scared to do this again. She is only 14 months - will I feel like this forever?
I will have to have a c-sec because my pelvis is too small and my doc won't do VBAC and I am not a candidate and I think it is just too risky.
I recently found out I was pregnant but to the best of what we can figure out is that it PROBABLY did not implant. I had screwy very low HCG numbers that did not match up with my conception date and I am still nursing and have irregular periods - but I was pregnant - probably just a few days. I had less than 72 hours of thinking I was pregnant and I just kept thinking I still have 8 months before I will have to have the c-sec I will worry about it later - but the whole thing just freaks me out. I am 27.5 so IF i do have more I don't want to wait more than a couple more years...any advice? I so love being a mother and immediately following my daughter's birth was he happiest time of my life. Why can't I get over the trauma of having to go under the knife? Lots of people do it... I think I watch too much TV - I can barely stand ER and strong Medicine and all those doctor shows anymore...they just freak me out!
Oh yes, I also felt I didn't want more children after my first experience. Then I got pregnant with my second daughter. There were many mental challenges to overcome during the pregnancy because I also found out a VBAC wasn't going to happen. But here I am, 5 weeks after the planned cesarean, and I can honestly look back and say it wasn't that bad, and I have a beautiful, beautiful daughter. No regrets whatsoever.
(((All the best to you.))) Just keep talking about your fears and feelings. I found it helpful to write down what things were most important to me, which made it easier to accept what was right for me.
Yes, been there, done that.
I would not have my second child now if I had not accidentally gotten pregnant.
I had a tubal ligation this time during the ceserean. i love my Babies.but the thought of another surgical delivery made me sick.
It honestly took me almost 2 years to not feel ill and frightened about another section.
When I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter I felt so ... trapped. I spent most of my pregnancy upset over the fact that I had to undergo another section . I was very depressed/morose/angry.
My 2nd section was planned.. of course. I went really well. I healed rapidly and was out of the hospital so fast....In all honesty, the recovery was your normal thing..a little sore and tired.. etc. but so much nicer than the 1st. Also,the fact that I did not have to EVER do it again made me feel much better.
You never know how things will work out, you know?
Give yourself time, and if need be find someone to talk to about this. It is truamatic...and it does take time to heal.both your body and your mind.
I am so glad I can come here and talk to others who have gone through something similar! It has really helped me so much.
Just out of curiosity, babydoll, did you have a trial of labor with your first baby? If not it may put your mind at ease to find a midwife skilled at pelvimetry to take a look (feel) at your pelvis. In all actuality a doctor has no way of knowing whether your pelvis is too small or not unless you have had rickets or another disease that causes a contracted pelvis.
Have you considered talking to a professional about your fears and memories? It's totally normal to have some post-traumatic stress about your birth but you don't want to let it wreck having more children if you desire them.
I am so sorry for the fear and panic you feel regarding a second c/s. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, especially since you would like another child.
I wonder if you've had a chance to talk to other c/s mom's who had c/s under similar circumstances to yours (CPD or "small pelvis")? I've been exploring my birth options since my uterine surgery and joined a wonderful email group through ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network). They are an amazing group of women who've had a wide, wide variety of c/s experiences. You might find some valuable info there. I know I have learned so much about c/s, CPD, birth and labor, recovery, VBAC, etc. from them.
I've also "met" women on the list who had c/s due to CPD and went on to have a vaginal birth for their second or third or fourth child. One woman I know was told during her first birth that her baby was too big and her pelvis was too small to birth vaginally. After 4 hours of pushing she had a c/s. I certainly don't want to speak for her, but I know that after that first experience she did not want anymore children due to her c/s experience. She went on to have a VBAC and gave birth to a baby that was even bigger than her first. Guess her pelvis wasn't too small afterall! From what I've read, so much depends on the position of the baby as well as positioning the mom for optimal pelvis "expansion".
I encourage you, as you're ready, to explore what might be possible for you, and to not take your doctor's word as law. Stories I've heard from other women, as well as my own experiences, have led me to seek out lots of information from a variety of sources before making a final decision regarding healthcare.
If you are interested in the ICAN list it can be accessed through http://www.ican-online.org
If you scroll down the page, in the right hand column under "Need Cesarean Support?", there is a link for the "join our support group list". It really is an amazing group of passionate, knowledgable, and understanding women.
Best wishes to you,
I had a c-sec, too....and I will VBAC, although my baby was "too big" too...I feel it's a load of hooey. I am giving birth at home with a midwife. My midwife has done over 650 births, most of which are VBAC women. (It's her specialty) Despite the fact that a great deal of these women were told they have too-small pelvises, she has never had a client end up with a c-section!!!!
Only a couple have ever even transferred to the hospital...out of 650!!!!
I am so sorry that you think you cannot give birth vaginally.
A lot of doctors make statements about women's inabliity to birth vaginally out of ignorance and fear of malpractice. I would highly recommend that you go to a skilled midwife or specialist who can give you an objective measurement and assesment of your pelvic dimensions.
To let doctors scare and intimidate you into thinking you cannot do that which you were born to do is to let the S.O.B Medical Establishment win. For them to tell you you are inadequate or somehow defective is something to question.
over your recent pregnancy loss...I just had a chemical pregnancy, too. What an emotional rollercoaster, huh?
The trauma you are still feeling after the c-section is totally understandable.
There are a variety of online support groups you can (and in my opinion, *should*) join. Lurk on a few, pick one you feel comfortable with, and start spilling those pent-up emotions!
I also think you should definitely question what your doctor has told you regarding vbac. There is lots of information available to you. Don't take any one doctor's or any one study's word for it, read up and make your own informed decision on the matter.
The risks are a matter of perception. In my case, the risks of another c-section greatly outweigh the risks of attempting vbac. I think you should really find out what the risks on both sides of the issue are for your particular situation, and go from there.
If you click on my name in my siggie, it will take you to my website. I got some really helpful links listed there, that I think you might want to check out.
My second baby will be born in about a month, without doctors and their negativity and fears of all the things that might possibly go wrong.
I have gone to 2 OB's plus my family physician and they all think VBAC is not an option for me (at least in this town). The nearest place to do it is almost 2 hours away. They do not induce for VBAC so we would have to drive to hospital with me in labor _ and I had a very fast onset of labor with my dd. IT is too risky for me. My mother is a nurse and my MIL is a nicu/nursery nurse who has seen a lot of deliveries and neither of them think I should do VBAC - they are against it.
I don't want to hear how VBACs are safer than C-sec and all that -it just scares me to know all that and I have seen the stats I just want to forget. Basically I will have to have a c-sec and that is my reality if I want to have more kids. My only chance to VBAC is if I got to the hospital and I was crowning (hey this happened to a friend of mine who had a classical cut - but she is a very big boned girl and her c-sec reasons for her first baby were different than mine.
I would never ever ever EVER consider doing a VBAC at home and my state does not recognize midwifery as a licensed preofession ( I don't know the details on this). I think is is so cool that some women give birth at home but I WOULD NEVER EVER want to give birth at home as a VBAC - maybe if I had had like 4 kids vaginally no problems and fast deliveries there MIGHT be a minute chance - but not really.
I did have a 10 hour labor of contrax 3-1 minute apart lasting about a minute and a half and I never got past one and then my cervix closed to barely a fingertip. I was 50% effaced I think I got to 80% but my husband says no only 50% and there was no notes about it in my c-sec (nobody can remember). MY suvery notes for the reasoning for my c-sec said "Patient is very small in stature, cpd and non-reassuring fetal heart rate."
Her head was sideways. I was 6 days past me EDD when she was born.
|Originally posted by babydoll
I don't want to hear how VBACs are safer than C-sec and all that -it just scares me to know all that and I have seen the stats I just want to forget.
I totally respect your postition on this...but to me, it is so sad that women are made to feel this way...
You say you are scared to know that VBAC is safer...is that because you think you cannot have one, and you don't want to do something unsafe for your child?
Also, you said you had a fast onset of labor with your dd, but you were in labor for 10 hours and never dilated past 1cm...it seems to me that you would have plenty of time to go to the hospital.
: And, not all labors are alike.
Have you been to an ICAN meeting, or at least to the webpage?
BTW, you don't happen to live in Ohio, do you? (Because of what you mentioned about midwife legality.)
I looked it up after my last post and Indiana does not license midwifes - yet.
THe reason I say I don't want to hear the stats is because I KNOW I am not a candidate for VBAC so I don't want to hear all this stuff about how c-secs are unsafe when I don't have any choice but to have another c-sec.
btw- my husband who is very supportive of me in every way does not want me to VBAC. If I pushed it and educated him I MIGHT be able to change his mind - but I agree with him it is too risky for me.
I am in Ohio - midiwfery is not definedby the law as legal or illegal, making it a weird situation. That's why I asked.
So midwives are not licensed here, either. But, as I menioned beofre, my midwife has done 650 births, and hundreds of them have been VBAC women, many of whom were just like you - told they have "inadequate pelvises". I have met some of these women through ICAN and other groups. Imagine how adequate they felt when they pushed out their babies!
One night, we had video night...it was so empowering to actually watch women push babies out vaginally.
If you resign yourself to have a c/sec, I guess there is nothing I or anyone else can say or do.
But I do encourage you to go to ICAN meetings, anyway. They are wonderful at helping women overcome their feeling of trauma and sort through other emotions that need to be dealt with.
you shouldn't be "over" having a c/sec...some women have trouble ever getting over it,and feel medically traumatized, which is a valid emotion. Having birth taken away from you like that is terribly difficult.
One thing I heard alot was, "You and the baby are healthy." Like that meant it was fine I had a c/sec! I was supposed to be grateful or at least happy. (These are the sorts of thing ICAN helps you deal with.)
Anyway, good luck to you...I hope you can sort through your feelings and have a wonderful pregnancy and birth next time around.
|I have gone to 2 OB's plus my family physician and they all think VBAC is not an option for me (at least in this town).
I'm guessing this is because of your diagnosis of CPD? And the assumption that once you've had CPD you'll always have it? All I can say is please, please, please know that the medical profession is known for saying this, that they aren't always right, that it IS possible for your second birth to be different from your first, and please talk to other women who have been in your position.
|I did have a 10 hour labor of contrax 3-1 minute apart lasting about a minute and a half and I never got past one and then my cervix closed to barely a fingertip.
Wow babydoll, that must have been beyond frustrating.
All that hard work and then the added stress of c/s and its recovery process. You sound like an amazing woman to have made it through all of that
This really, really jumped out at me. I've read how much malpositioning of the baby can affect progression of labor. I wonder if her sideways position might have affected your cervical dilation? It is my understanding that for women who have smaller pelvises baby position is even more critical. You might gain some insight into your situation by checking into optimal fetal positioning.
It really sounds like you feel that you're between a rock and a hard place. I'm so sorry. I hope that you find the support and the inner knowing to make the choice that is right for you, whatever that is.
I usually just lurk here but I thought I'd respond. I was you once- I had a c-section with my first baby due to "CPD." I also felt the same feelings you are right now- scared, depressed, wondering what future births would be like or even if I wanted to ever again.
I had joined the support group ICAN that another poster mentioned and it helped immensely
. They gave me TONS of information and insight there. And of course lots and lots of emotional support. I really encourage you to go to the website. www.ican-online.org.
Anyway, then I found myself pregnant again and all the emotions came bubbling up again. But I had learned so much and had so much support now that I thought I'd give VBAC a try. And I did. I gave birth naturally 7 weeks ago to my son Elijah. And you know what? He was bigger than my first!
My point is that there are SO many things that can cause a diagnosis of CPD and oftentimes it is incorrect as it was in my case. Things like induction, epidurals, malpositioning of the baby, and your body just plain not being ready can lead to FTP or CPD and a misdiagnosis occurs.
If you are truly set on having a repeat c/s then there's nothing anything can say to discourage you, and I wish you luck. You should still get support to deal with your feelings. Honestly, from the tone of your posts, it sounds as though you need to deal with your feelings about your first c/s before you can make a clear decision about how you want to give birth next time.
Good luck and if you want to hear my story or just want to talk about anything feel free to PM me or e-mail me at [email protected]
I just need to gently say that not all women feel the need for sympathy over their cesarean births.
It's a healing process, it takes time and proper metal attitude. My first two are 3 1/2 years apart. I am pregnant with #3 and these will be 23 months apart.
After my 1st experience, I was depressed, miserable, you name it. I was in first time mom shock plus an unexpected c/s. My recovery was long, nursing never took off. When my 1st son was 8 months old I still felt pain, it was awful. I spend a lot of time crying b/c I wanted more children, I just didn't want to do that again.
Before I could get pregnant again, I had to make up my mind on whether or not I would try a VBAC or go for a repeat c/s. I spoke with a doctor (at OB/GYN at our church). I consulted loads of information on VBACs and success rates for my situation which was CPD (I think those are the initials -- bigger baby than pelvis).
I finally made up my mind that I was willing to have another baby, so long as I didn't have to go through labor, pushing, etc to end up with another c/s. I opted for a repeat c/s. And as it turns out the doctor should have never mentioned VBAC anyway, b/c my 1st c/s was a upside down T cut.
My second son was born and recovery was great, nursing though hard work was worth every minute of it (he just quit before I found out I was prego with #3).
I have to admit, I am pretrefied of needles and I don't look forward to the blood taking, IVs and the Spinal. I have often thought of just going under general aneth., but that scares me more. So, I look to the positive -- another nursling, another sibling for the family, another blessing put under our care. And the positives for me -- no vaginal sewing up or pain "down there", no peeing on myself when I sneeze or laugh, and according to my GYN less likelihood of problems when I get old with prolaps uterus. Sure there are a lot of negatives, but if we (those having c/s) weren't in the 20th century plus, we would be dead and so would our baby. Be thankful you can have more, I am.
|I would never ever ever EVER consider doing a VBAC at home and my state does not recognize midwifery as a licensed preofession
I can understand being uncomfortable with a home VBAC...heck, it wasn't until I'd had 2 good vaginal births under my belt that I went the home birth route.
I wonder about the midwifery thing. Even Certified Nurse Midwives (CNM's) are not allowed? They often attend hospital births. Other people have mentioned Ohio as an option...perhaps that is where you are? I know there is/was a big deal going on about a midwife who used Pitocin after a birth to stop bleeding--she will not say where she got the Pitocin. Anyway, because of the Mennonite communities in Ohio, I know that direct entry and certified professional midwives are "tolerated" in OH, until something goes wrong. They aren't exactly illegal. But knowing what little I know about the birth climate in OH, I wouldn't be *completely* surprised to know that even CNM's are not allowed to handle hospital births as they usually do in other states.
Continuing along because I was told my previous post was too long...
One of my sister-in-laws had all 3 of her children in Ohio, the youngest is now in high school. The first two were planned c-sections--breech for the first, planned repeat with the second. The general thought is that a planned c-section is much easier to recover from than one that happens after significant time spent in labor. But she still wanted to VBAC with her 3rd baby. Bad enough that she sought out a Dr. before she was even pregnant who would give her a chance. She had to drive over an hour to his office, even longer to the hospital he delivered at. But she did it. She said the recovery from the vaginal birth was MUCH better, and well worth the effort.
|I did have a 10 hour labor of contrax 3-1 minute apart lasting about a minute and a half and I never got past one and then my cervix closed to barely a fingertip. I was 50% effaced I think I got to 80% but my husband says no only 50% and there was no notes about it in my c-sec (nobody can remember). MY suvery notes for the reasoning for my c-sec said "Patient is very small in stature, cpd and non-reassuring fetal heart rate."
Her head was sideways. I was 6 days past me EDD when she was born.
Do you have any idea how "non-reassuring" the heart rate was? Unless it was regularly dropping below 100 and staying there, it really wasn't all that bad, or racing up above about 170-180. If it truly *was* reassuring, that is more likely a good cause for the c-section, but would NOT preclude VBAC. But I suspect that it was just thrown onto your report to add a bit more "justification" to the c-section since declaring CPD at 1 cm is EXTREMELY odd. Usually it would be "failure to progress," and most established medical authorities do not support a diagnosis of FTP prior to 4 cms. CPD can only be truly diagnosed after an extended period of pushing in a variety of positions. Of my students who have delivered in the past year, if all that were still 1 cm or a finger tip dilated after 10 hrs of regular contractions--regardless of high effacement numbers--had c-sections, my students would have about a 60% c-section rate! My students only have a 10% c-section rate. I've had students at 1 cms after *days* of regular contractions. That is fairly typical with poorly positioned babies--but very fixable! In the past month I had a student who the c-section had actually been "called" on her (although the resident OB hadn't officially told her that yet, just started a "gentle let down"), and she birthed her baby vaginally 1/2 hr later after changing pushing positions--things just started progressing rapidly before the attending OB could arrive, and the baby was born 10 minutes before he got there. Her baby had a tipped head and had not moved down from 0 station at all after almost an hour and a half of pushing (usually pushing doesn't even start until the baby is at +1 or +2 station--the baby just would NOT move down!), which led to the resident thinking she could not deliver vaginally, but she apparently got that head straightened out! The mom is at best a size 4 when not pregnant, and delivered an 8 lb 5 oz baby girl with Apgars of 9/9.
At 1 cm dialated, unless you had "non-reassuring heart tones" immediately upon having the first 20 minute strip run at the hospital, you should have been sent home. You were NOT in active labor. Being in the hospital in and of itself can impede your labor, thus you should not be there until active labor--when you are beyond having the environment affect your labor pattern so much.
If you do VBAC you may want to consider staying with a friend or family member who lives closer to the hospital you plan to birth at starting around 38-39 weeks so that you do not have such a long drive to the hospital. Your husband probably would have plenty of time to make the drive to be with you and take you to the hospital given your history.
Even if you do not VBAC, I would encourage you to work through your feelings about your previous c-section. Do not let that stop you from having the family size you truly desire. A planned c-section generally is easier on you than one after extended labor (although you might "plan" to do the c-section after labor starts just to ensure that the baby is ready to be born and to give the baby the benefit of some labor--research does show this is good for your baby).
i can understand fear you have, i also had cesarean and hated it, it was horrrible for me too. i was frightened the whole time.
i feel preganant again when my girl was two.
i hired an active trained midwife/nurse and she helped deliver my second baby in my home. it went really smooth, and i was scared but really wanted to try it myself, my own way. i feel blessed to have had a second chance and a second healthy baby. good luck to you, take one day at a time, no looking back or forward helps. tara
i might add a doctor or two adviced against a homebirth for me. my first was OP and my second was larger baby than first, almost 9 ibs. but i had short 6 hour labour and it was perfect. i truly believe i could have avoided c-section if i'd had proper care first time. keep options open.
CNM are allowed in OH - DEMs are not defined as legal or illegal.
You are correct, everyone seems fine about DEMs here as long as there is nothing called to attention, as in the case you referred to.
NE Ohio, though has a LOT of midwives, and the birth atmosphere here is changing a lot as plans for a freestanding birth center are formed, and more and more women have homebirth. We have a huge homebirth community here. (I just came from a meeting with a whole bunch of them!)
And also - from my research and experience, Jess is correct. CPD is almost never diagnosed at such an early stage of labor, and if it is, I would highly question it. Also, most OBs are not trained to asses pelvic adequacy.
Goodluck, babydoll---I was thinking about you tonight at my meeting (about birth choices; this month's topic was What Has Happened to Normal Birth?) and wishing you could have been there to recieve all the support from a lot of wise women.
I wanted to add that talking to a NICU nurse is like talking to an ICU or CCU nurse, all we see is the truely BAD stuff (I am an ICU/ER nurse). It can totally skew the veiw of the person, only seeing the trama. I have for years dreaded becoming old, just for the fact that all I see is the worst of old age, not the best.
I am so sorry that you had such a tramatic birth.
I read in the most resent issue of JFL (Journal for living) about the way people treat those who have had C-Sec. How they say "OH, well at least the baby is OK" or "You should be happy, you have the baby now" and the author of the piece said that yes she was happy about the baby, but she was not happy about the birth.
I think that maybe you should go to the ICAN site and snoop around and talk to some people, and let others with simular experiences help you with your feelings. I would not rush into another birth. Even if it takes another year to really work thru this stuff.
Also I have to agree with what others have posted, once CPD is written a lot of Doc's wont disagree or "Touch it", but maybe finding a doc or midwife to actually "check you out" may make it better. It sounds to me like maybe it was the babies position and not your pelvis that was the problem. And 10 hours with a first labor isn't really that long. (usually 12-15 hours) It could have been just a potion thing and possibly being able to move around could have done something to change it (sorry, hine-sight is always 20/20)
My very best friend had to have a section about 3 years ago, do to CPD, her baby was close to 10 pounds and was actually presenting with her face instead of her head down to her chest. CPD isn't really an acurate diagnosis, it was really malpresitation (sp). Anyway she said that the doctor told her she wouldn't be delivering vaginally ever do to this CPD. Which was really not an acurate diagnosis. She isn't pregnant now, but told me she didn't think she would even try for a vaginal birth because of what her doctor said.
If in the end a c-section is what you are OK with than that is good, but you need to work thru those feelings and be "OK" with them.
Good thought your way....
I am sorry that you had such a bad birth experience. You may want to try reading the book, "Birthing from Within" by Pam England. It may help you to face your fears, and allow you to have a birth experience in which you feel more control. There are also instructors for birthing from within, that you may wish to contact. You can try a search for birthing from within (It may be birthingfromwithin.com) to find an educator near you.
Oliver and Carter's Mom
Just wanted to let you know that I don't think this fear is limited to women who've experienced a c-section. I gave birth to my daughter vaginally, with no medications or interventions . . . and the thought of giving birth again does scare me. I pushed for 6 hours, but felt supported and safe (at a birthing center with a midwife). I feel so proud and strong that I have given birth, yet it's still a scary "other world" experience nonetheless. My daughter's 2 and a half and I'm getting close to wanting to get pregnant these days, but I still feel nervous about labor. I feel like I should add how wonderful and life-affirming labor can be, because mine wasn't at all negative, it's just hard to imagine doing that again and coming out the other side. One of the wonders and mysteries of the world, I guess. I think fear is natural, c-section aside. Best to you.
To be honest. I wouldn't VBAC at home unless I had at least 1 under my belt. I'm vbac-ing in a birthing center ONLY because it is directly attached to a hospital and I am closer to the OR than the L&D.
I understand your fear. It took me some time to get over it too. There is a c/b support thread. I know there are many women there who feel or have felt as you do. Have you checked it out yet?
Are you sure that MWs aren't an accepted thing in IN. I've been doing research, we may be moving to IN before this babe is born, and I've been giving the names of several CNMs to contact...what are of IN are you in?
I have experienced a wonderful vaginal delivery and a wonderful c-section. Yes, I was very nervous about the section but now I honestly don't dread another. I will certainly try to go vbac next time (I would love to have a water birth!) but I'll be ok if I end up w/ another section. It was honestly an amazing, powerful experience! I know I am in the minority and it probably has a lot to do w/ how my section and recovery were handled by my dr's. Sorry, I'm not articulating this well...I have a nursling attached to me but just wanted to share a different view. IMO, you should plan and try for a vbac but don't freak yourself out about a poss. repeat section.
My daughter's heartrate was 89-92 about the last couple of hours I had her and dropping even farther during my very close togeter (1 minute apart) contractions. My mom is a nurse and was in there and witnessed the whole thing. She has been a nurse for about 35 years and has seen a lot of births. She does not think my baby would have made it if I had not had a c-sec. She thinks it would have been very bad for us both. I was bleeding very heavily even before i went to the hospital and it a lot a lot a LOT of pain ( I had back labor). I was not about to go home. They FINALLY gave me demerol and morphene and neither touched the pain although they made me a bit groggy. The hospital did want to send me home and I was not about to do that. I have known several woman who have lost their babies when sent home that way.
I was in so much pain at the hospital I was not about to go home - if I could not handle the pain at the hospital with drugs there was no way I could handle it at home!
Anyway my c-sec went smoothly. My girl was/is perfect and healthy. Her APghars were 9/9 - they took off for color. It is just the intense fear of knowing I have to do it again to have another baby. They thought sickens me and chills me to the bone.
|It is just the intense fear of knowing I have to do it again to have another baby. They thought sickens me and chills me to the bone.
Babydoll, I truly hope that you find a way to honor and process your fear. It is wonderful that your daughter was/is perfect and healthy. Please don't let that negate or cause you to "sweep under the rug" the very real fear and anxiety and trepidation you are feeling. These are valid feelings that deserve your attention and care whether through counseling, bodywork, journaling, talking with women in similar situations, etc. Regardless of your birth choices for the future, please find a way to process this experience.
ITA with LisaG...can you try to find an ICAN chapter? I was wary of going at first, too...I thought it had been a year, I should be "over it"...but there are women at my ICAN meeting who had their c/sec 4+ years agao, and still come to talk.
I wish you peace and happiness surrounding your future births...how ever those births happen.
I mistakenly posted here thinking it was the c-sec support thread. I checked out the Ican website but I don't think it is for me and there are not chapters in my state or even in a close enough neighboring state.
Thank you all for your help.. Good luck and healthy babies and births to all of you!