Today marks seven years since your birth. I look back on that day and remember the pure love and joy that I felt the first time I held you in my arms. I had gone through so much to bring you into my life, all the losses, all the fertility treatments, but finally, there you were, in my arms, nestled at my breast. I could not believe how beautiful you were, so tiny and perfect. Your entrance came four weeks before we were expecting you, but you were a strong 6 ½ pounds and breathing so well. I spent those two days in the hospital marveling over you, amazed that you had chosen me to be your mother. I cried when they told me your blood type was O+ just like mine. Silly, I know, since it is most common for a baby’s blood type to match the mother’s, but since I was adopted, you were the first person I ever met who was biologically related to me, you were mine! I was so worried about you, I knew something just wasn’t right but I wasn’t strong enough to fight against the doctors and nurses for you. I am sorry my sweet girl, I am your mother, my job was to protect you with my life and I didn’t fight hard enough. I allowed my trust in them to override my instinct as your mother.
I am eternally grateful that I was able to have those precious 2 ½ days with you, it is more than so many others ever get. I was able to carry you inside of me for 36 weeks, birth you into this world, hear you cry, feel you suckle at my breast, nourish you from my body, change your diaper, dress you, sleep with you, inhale your scent, bring you home with me, even if it was just for 14 short hours. I am so sorry that your little spirit had to leave your body, but I am thankful that I was holding you in my arms, nursing you at my breast as your soul slipped out of your body. If one must die, a peaceful death in the arms of someone who loves you intensely is the best way to pass on.
I know you are still with me, I feel your presence often. I have a happy life, a good life. You brought me your two younger sister, and I am sure you helped to guide me to Matt and Madison, your step-dad and step-sister. Though none of them had the chance to meet you and know you as you grew in me and on your days on Earth, they love and miss you and you are truly part of our family. You would be in first grade now, just ten months older than Maia. I wonder what you would be like, quick to laugh, a sparkle in your eye, mommy's little helper, polite, smart, sweet, the perfect daughter; yet I know you would also try my patience, sass me back when you are mad, throw your clothes all over the floor, fight with your sisters, drive me crazy!
You changed the very core of my being. I question, research, fight for my family, and am more sure of my place in this world. I appreciate life, family, and your sisters more than I think I would have if you had never come into and out of my life. You have shaped the mother, wife, teacher, woman that I am today. Thank you for choosing me to be your mother.
I love you sweet girl,
So sorry for the loss of Sierra.
♥ blogger astrologer mom to three cool kiddos, and trying to figure out this divorce thing-- Blossom and Glow ♥
I will be thinking of Sierra today too.
Momma to DD (12/04) and DS (11/09) .
I survived 16 mos! Ask me about breastfeeding a baby with posterior tongue tie, high palate, and weak oral motor skills- whew!
Jessica, wife to Derrick, missing Joslyn , 22 weeks 06.18.08, Baby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12
Your letter was beautiful and your daughter is stunning.
Thank you for bringing so much love and magic to your mommy's life. She loves you so very much.
Dear Sierra's Mom,
A thousand, million, billion warm comforting hugs.
As a family we made a beautiful heart cake with lots of decorations added by the girls, we sang happy birthday and had a little party. earlier that morning my youngest said we would make such a beautiful cake that Sierra would see it and come back to life to live with us again. It is so hard to explain to little ones.
On Sunday (7 years since her death) the kids were with their opposite parents. Matt took me out to get a massage, it was a lovely way to try to relax on a sad day.
Remembering you and your sweet little one today.
Marine ecologist wife to my kite-boarding soulmate and now a homeschooling SAHM to Annabelle 8/02 and Willem 12/08!