What about the dads? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 02:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been looking through infant loss jewelry and there seems to be a recurring theme, with the same general idea: "Losing a baby is one of the most devastating events that can happen in a woman's life - and one of the least acknowledged. A mother who has lost a baby during pregnancy or infancy is a grieving mother, and her loss should be recognised.(sic)"

But what about the dads? They grieve too. Losing a baby is just as devastating to the man, and hardly ever acknowledged, it at all. A father who lost a baby is a grieving father and his loss should be recognized as well.

I'm looking through this jewelry, thinking I may find something for DP for fathers' day, something for him to wear around his neck, but everything is geared towards women. Does anyone know where to find something like that that is geared towards men? towards fathers?

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#2 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 03:02 AM
 
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Well, I think it depends on the individual, but I'm not sure that it's just as devastating for the man. I just asked hubby and he said, "I don't think it's the same, or equal in magnitude. I didn't bond with the baby. It wasn't part of my body. You did. It wasn't as 'real' for me. It was more of an idea or concept to me. It was a physical reality for you. You were hands down WAY more devastated than I am/was."

Onto the subject of male jewelry, I've seen stamped dog tags on etsy. Here's an example: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php...ng_id=21707641

Editing to add: In the case of your husband, I think the loss of the baby was greatly magnified by the loss of Whren's mother. Not to mention, it wasn't simply a miscarriage. I think it's easier for guys to cope and say, "WE can have more children together. I still have my wife."

Reminds me of just about every episode of House/Grey's Anatomy/ER where there *may* be a choice between the wife and the unborn baby and the husband always says, "Save my wife. We can make another baby." - Again, very different than your husband's losses.

Aurora , happy wife to C., mama to 3 : and , lost 12/08 & our 4/24/10
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#3 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 03:34 AM
 
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My husband reacted the same way as the PP's. He was sad, but his grief was much milder, and he was more excited to look forward to TTC again. Of course, our m/c happened really early right after we found out, so he hasn't even had a chance to really understand what was happening. I was by far much more devastated by it. I am so sorry for everyone's losses

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#4 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 11:08 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mrsbabycakes View Post
Well, I think it depends on the individual, but I'm not sure that it's just as devastating for the man. I just asked hubby and he said, "I don't think it's the same, or equal in magnitude. I didn't bond with the baby. It wasn't part of my body. You did. It wasn't as 'real' for me. It was more of an idea or concept to me. It was a physical reality for you. You were hands down WAY more devastated than I am/was."

Onto the subject of male jewelry, I've seen stamped dog tags on etsy. Here's an example: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php...ng_id=21707641

Editing to add: In the case of your husband, I think the loss of the baby was greatly magnified by the loss of Whren's mother. Not to mention, it wasn't simply a miscarriage. I think it's easier for guys to cope and say, "WE can have more children together. I still have my wife."

Reminds me of just about every episode of House/Grey's Anatomy/ER where there *may* be a choice between the wife and the unborn baby and the husband always says, "Save my wife. We can make another baby." - Again, very different than your husband's losses.
I agree with this. My DH's reaction was pretty much the same. It wasn't the same at all. He recognized that and admitted that.

Aeona - married to super hot nerd Toby . . . mama to Grace (9) Evangeline (7) Duncan 11.14.08   and Henry (4) born at home. Expecting again early December!  
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#5 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 06:11 PM
 
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My dh was pretty dang sad. He would never, never get a piece of jewelery with anything on it about the baby, but he took it pretty hard. Maybe because it was further along, and we already had children?

But as I seem to remember, the OP's man's loss was a toddler, right? That would be terribly devastating. My parents lost a daughter when she was two (she drowned), and it was extremely difficult for both of them. Even now, almost 40 years later, my dad can't talk about it w/out choking up.

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#6 of 23 Old 03-16-2009, 06:36 PM
 
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My dh was pretty dang sad. He would never, never get a piece of jewelery with anything on it about the baby, but he took it pretty hard. Maybe because it was further along, and we already had children?

But as I seem to remember, the OP's man's loss was a toddler, right? That would be terribly devastating. My parents lost a daughter when she was two (she drowned), and it was extremely difficult for both of them. Even now, almost 40 years later, my dad can't talk about it w/out choking up.
My husband took it pretty hard initially, but his grief has waned significantly over time, while mine has only morphed. I'm no longer in shock, but some things hurt me more now that they did right after.

The OP's DP lost his fiancée and their 7-month unborn daughter in a car crash.

Aurora , happy wife to C., mama to 3 : and , lost 12/08 & our 4/24/10
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#7 of 23 Old 03-17-2009, 01:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mrsbabycakes View Post
My husband took it pretty hard initially, but his grief has waned significantly over time, while mine has only morphed. I'm no longer in shock, but some things hurt me more now that they did right after.

The OP's DP lost his fiancée and their 7-month unborn daughter in a car crash.


I'm sorry. I hope I didn't sound insensitive.

I'm sorry for the OP's DP, too. Maybe one of those ID bracelets that guys used to wear back in the day?

Mommy to kids

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#8 of 23 Old 03-17-2009, 03:15 PM
 
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At first my DH took it harder than I did. We grieved so differently though that you just can't compare. He once told me that it was harder for him because he never got to bond with them like I did.

I think my DH would love a ring with their names engraved on the inside but dog tags sound really nice too. Actually I looked around and ended up getting this one.

Homeschooling mom of two plus baby R born December 16 love.gif
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#9 of 23 Old 03-17-2009, 11:13 PM
 
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I'm sorry. I hope I didn't sound insensitive.

I'm sorry for the OP's DP, too. Maybe one of those ID bracelets that guys used to wear back in the day?
Oh, you didn't sound insensitive at all!! No worries!

Aurora , happy wife to C., mama to 3 : and , lost 12/08 & our 4/24/10
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#10 of 23 Old 03-18-2009, 03:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I like the idea of the ID bracelet. I may just get one of those with her name engraved on it. That really sounds like a neat idea.

On a separate note: I've been having some shitty days so I'd like to thank Mrs Baby Cakes for remembering who I am from other posts. I appreciate that you saw them and remembered them.

And don't worry Fuamami, you didn't offend.

I'll be checking out that link later this evening, when DP isn't around. Right now he's next to me but lay down as the baby hits his head. It's really quite cute.

Thanks again everyone!

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#11 of 23 Old 03-18-2009, 04:06 PM
 
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I like that one that MoonStarFalling linked to, very nice. I haven't bought but I like the etsy seller bddesigns. There is a wide "Daddy Ring", can also be used for Moms, that is inscribed. I'm always looking at that one.

*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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#12 of 23 Old 03-18-2009, 05:52 PM
 
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I like the idea of the ID bracelet. I may just get one of those with her name engraved on it. That really sounds like a neat idea.

On a separate note: I've been having some shitty days so I'd like to thank Mrs Baby Cakes for remembering who I am from other posts. I appreciate that you saw them and remembered them.

And don't worry Fuamami, you didn't offend.

I'll be checking out that link later this evening, when DP isn't around. Right now he's next to me but lay down as the baby hits his head. It's really quite cute.

Thanks again everyone!
Of course! I'm not always good at commenting, but I do read most of the posts that come through this forum.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day

Aurora , happy wife to C., mama to 3 : and , lost 12/08 & our 4/24/10
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#13 of 23 Old 03-20-2009, 12:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really like that ring. It's definitely seems more him than a necklace or bracelet, mainly because he already wears one of each, both of which have significant meaning for him. I wanted to get him some sort of jewelry for Fathers' Day so I hope I can afford to get the ring done. I'm already spending around $100 so another $54 may not be possible, but I will certainly try. And the pocket watch I want to get him can always wait. (He's a collector of pocket watches but it can wait for the anniversary or his birthday. The one I want to get him just says "DAD" on it)

Thanks for all the ideas. I really appreciate it. If anyone does think of something else, let me know. Thanks again!!

MrsBabyCakes: As usual, it's family crap (a whole long story and I would definitely be getting more points on here if I went into it) but we're getting over it. I have a new project to start anyhow. But thanks. The hugs help

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#14 of 23 Old 03-20-2009, 12:23 AM
 
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my hubby would never wear jewelery but he did get a tattoo in honour of our baby boy a few weeks after he died...
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#15 of 23 Old 03-22-2009, 02:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We made an appt for the 11th of April at the tattoo shop! He's getting "Maeleigh" on one wrist and "Whren" on the other. He already has some tattoos on both arms but he wants to get his sleeves started so he's doing it by getting the girls' names on his wrist. He does have plans for a memorial tattoo on his chest but that's going to be expensive and will take a lot of saving time. (plus he wants to get a back tattoo. I swear, in a few years that boy will have every inch of skin above his waist and below his neck covered in tattoos)

He has been talking about getting a ring, just for fun, so I think the ring idea someone had will work out nicely.

Thanks again everyone!

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#16 of 23 Old 03-23-2009, 11:57 AM
 
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oh caro, i've said this to you before, i believe in the talk amongst yourself forum..you were talking about painting turtles, but i wanted to tell you again that i admire you deeply. your husband having been through a terrible loss, you encourage him to grieve and you include Whren in your siggy. just beautiful and i'm happy he found you to share his life with.
that sounds corny doesn't it? but i really believe that and wanted to tell you.
in regards to baby loss...i think your hubbys loss was a different magnitude. you see, when we lost our joslyn, my hubby was of course heartbroken, but he was deeply worried about me and that took up his energy. i think when we as women lose a child, the partner focuses on us and helps us get through those times, they are our "protectors" if you know what i mean? plus they didn't get to grow that baby in their bellies. most men hadn't even had a chance to fully grasp the pregnancy...especially if our bellies aren't showing yet. i hope that makes sense. i do on the other hand really wish they had more options in regards to momentos. i think the tattoo idea is lovely

Jessicaintactlact.gif, wife to Derricklurk.gif, missing Joslyn angel3.gif, 22 weeks 06.18.08, rainbow1284.gifBaby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12 uc.jpg

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#17 of 23 Old 03-23-2009, 11:59 AM
 
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i also wanted to add that when i said different magnitude, i am meaning that he lost his partner and baby. it's on a whole nother level for grief. he didn't have to help his partner get through a loss, because she was gone as well.

Jessicaintactlact.gif, wife to Derricklurk.gif, missing Joslyn angel3.gif, 22 weeks 06.18.08, rainbow1284.gifBaby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12 uc.jpg

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#18 of 23 Old 03-23-2009, 06:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MarilynP View Post
my hubby would never wear jewelery but he did get a tattoo in honour of our baby boy a few weeks after he died...
This was my suggestion, too!
DH got Burke's hand print tattooed last spring while we were waiting for Bennett's arrival. A close friend did it, which made it super special for him.
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#19 of 23 Old 03-26-2009, 12:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey Jess, yes I was talking about the turtles. I wasn't sure if I had said something here about it or not. He still wants to get that on his chest, but I think he's more focused on his sleeve work because he can show that off more than he can his chest. Plus he wants to lose weight so he feels more comfortable walking around without a shirt. (I think he's fine but he wants to get rid of his extra belly weight. I think his new job at the prison will do the trick though. Extra confidence in his job will give him extra confidence in himself) And thanks for the support and encouragement. Sometimes I feel weird about being so ... interested? maybe that's the word. I'm not sure. At least that's how everyone else makes me feel, like it's not okay that we bought a bib for Maeleigh that says "I love my big sister" or that I put a "little sister" glitter thing in the photo collage I made of Maeleigh's first two months.

As far as the ring, we were at the celtic shop the other day and he decided to look at the rings there. They were thicker, much like the one someone linked to on here, and they were the same price. He was a bit disappointed in the price because he wanted to buy it then, but I can steal enough money out of his wallet between now and fathers' day without too much notice (seriously, I go in his wallet and take $10 or $20 just to save up for random things like that) so I think the ring is a sure thing! I just have to order it in May.

Thanks for the support everyone!

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#20 of 23 Old 03-27-2009, 07:57 PM
 
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girl i think it is completely natural to be interested in that part of your partners life. i'm sure it helps him feel open and feel he can talk to you about it. i would take peoples comments with a grain of salt, they don't know...and thank gosh they don't, right? it's hard. no matter what the circumstances. i wanted to mention, sorry for calling your partner "hubby" i'm sure you don't mind, but i know you are happily unmarried and i think that's awesome. it is normal to feel interested in that part of his life, i would be too, i'm sure. and i hope you find exactly what you're looking for in regards to a great momento for DP!! sounds like you have and are planning.

Jessicaintactlact.gif, wife to Derricklurk.gif, missing Joslyn angel3.gif, 22 weeks 06.18.08, rainbow1284.gifBaby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12 uc.jpg

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#21 of 23 Old 03-28-2009, 12:49 PM
 
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oh wow the ring would be cool, get both girls names on there. thats really nice, too! and incredibly sweet of you!
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#22 of 23 Old 04-22-2009, 01:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jess, it's cool. You're right, I didn't take offense to it at all. Two of his sisters are legally married and we're more "married" than they are. Neither of them even live with their husbands, but those are both long, stupid stories.

I have decided on the ring and to get both girls names put on it. I'm sure he'll like it, but if he doesn't he can always put it in his keepsake box. No big deal. I'm getting him a pocket watch that says "DAD" on it (since he collects them) and I'm going to get his certificates for the prison training and his badges in a frame together. Well, I'm going to do that myself instead of paying someone. I can't imagine it would be that hard, honestly.

Thank you everyone for showing me different places with different keepsakes. I really appreciate it. When I get the ring, I'll have to take pictures to show everyone.

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#23 of 23 Old 04-22-2009, 02:30 PM
 
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But what about the dads? They grieve too. Losing a baby is just as devastating to the man, and hardly ever acknowledged, it at all. A father who lost a baby is a grieving father and his loss should be recognized as well.
I read on someone's blog recently than men grieve by DOing, and it's true, at least it is with my DH so far.

He scoured the Internet for the perfect urn for William's ashes. And then the box that he would put those ashes in, along with a bunch of other stuff to put in the box. He already had a knife he was going to cut William's cord with (he cut our other son's cord with a different knife and intends to give it to him when he turns 18...) and he will put that in the box. He's also buying a compass, a flint, other things... things he will buy for our living son and give to him when he's 18 as well. Things he would have given William at that age if he were alive.

It's truly beautiful, watching him process his grief this way, such an amazing tribute. I can't do things that way. Sometimes I wish I could. But I watch him and I don't understand it. I can appreciate it, and I can see that it moves him, that he needs to do things this way, but it's alien and foreign to my way of processing.

Me, I had to have something to wear, close to my heart, to remember him by. I have a necklace I wear. And I had to have him close - his picture is the wallpaper on my computer. My husband winces every time he sees it, but for me, it's calming. I get a sense of peace when I see it.

Me, I sit, I cry, I feel, I talk to other women about this pain, and cry and feel some more. I feel my pain and their pain and the pain of all women everywhere who have lost a child, and then the pain of all loss, all suffering, the weight and gravity of it almost too much to bear, but necessary... it opens me, it lets things flow, both in and out, and I couldn't live without that.

He's so very different. This process differentiates the masculine and the feminine more than any other I've ever experienced. He's planning a private memorial service now, something just for our family. My heart breaks just thinking about it. I don't know if I can make it through. I will, for him, because I know it's what he needs to do... but damn, it's hard to have two such diverging ways of dealing with the same loss...

Everything I do seems to hurt him, and everything he does seems to hurt me, and still, it's what we both need, separately, to deal with this... it's rather crazy!

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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