If you terminated, how did you face people? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Did you lie and say you m/c'd?

I'm so embarrassed about it. I wanted to await a m/c but the drs. said that it may not come--that it was possible we would get to the point of stillbirth or short-life for my child. That meant a dangerous pregnancy for me (as I'm already high-risk) and dh was full-on panicked about it. We already have two special needs children and I stay home to care for them. One is only 4-1/2mo old. How would he do that without me?

So I gave in to everyone's pressure to terminate. In my head, I know it was probably the more responsible thing to do. I'm not completely against termination by any stretch; but in this case I really couldn't find a way to be at peace with it.

There aren't too many people that actually even know I'm pg. Within 2 hours of finding out I also found out there were problems. I don't think they would judge me but I don't know. They're the closest people TO me, but that doesn't make them that close--ya know? Just the closest I have. I don't know how to explain it.

But I'm embarrassed and ashamed of it all. My ILs know and they were very supportive that this was the right thing to do (I haven't spoken to them in any of it, but through dh)--but I feel like I can't look at them because they know. I feel like I want to cut anyone who knows out of my life... just because they know.

Any insight?

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#2 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:16 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama *HUGE hugs* XXX

What was wrong, if you don't mind me asking? This is a decision that parents have to make all over the world every single day, and there's no wrong or right. It must ahve bee incredibly difficult for you, with your situation at home which I am sure is rewarding but also exhausting!

Again, *HUGE hugs* to you mama XXX

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#3 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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Hi, Heather. I don't think I would say anything to anyone. I would say "We lost our daughter." It's not anyone's business what happened. If they ask, I would say "She had some medical issues" or "I don't want to talk about it." I also wanted to say that even when you don't make that decision to terminate, there is a huge amount of guilt and second guessing, so I can't imagine how much more pronounced it must be for you.

No judgment here, mama. That was such a hard, hard choice for you. I hope you can heal.

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#4 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:27 PM
 
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I know our case is slightly different as we had to make the decision to end our son's life after he was born...

about 2 weeks after our son was born premature at about 23 weeks our doctor told us that our son didn't have a very good prognosis.. she told us that he would be deaf and blind and that he had a 90% chance of having cerebral palsy but that it could be a lot worse too because they hadn't even been able to stabilize him yet.. so he might even have ended up being bedridden for the rest of his life..

my husband and I didn't want this for our son and made the hard decision to take him off life support... to this day I am not sure if my mom approved of this decision.. I would tell her that he probably would not have had a good life etc.. and she would reply with, well we will never know now :S

it is your decision, you know what is best for your life...
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#5 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What was wrong, if you don't mind me asking?
Severe fetal hydrops and cystic hygromas and heart problems. Oh, and T21. Because of the hydrops, they were worried about a "mirror image" pregnancy--which meant that with my pre-existing risk for pre-eclampsia, there would be no question now (in addition to multiple other things). Essentially what would happen to the baby would happen to me--and none of it good.

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It's not anyone's business what happened.
ITA. Unfortunately, my ILs already know; and I've left 4 girlfriends hanging with the knowledge that I had to decide about this and if I just say she's gone, they're GOING to ask and by not answering I effectively say "I terminated"... which I just don't want to deal with.


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I would tell her that he probably would not have had a good life etc.. and she would reply with, well we will never know now :S
You know, I feel that way about my little girl--that I'll never know if the doctor's were right or wrong. But ME feeling that way vs. someone important in my life imposing it on me are two WAY different things. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that--because reconciling it for yourself is hard enough without having to try to validate it to someone that should be helping you come to terms with it yourself. Hugs to you.

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#6 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:47 PM
 
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I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured. About half the time I called it a "miscarriage", since an ectopic pregnancy truly is carried wrong.

It takes time for the hormones to shift back. If you find yourself emotional from it, I probably would call it a "miscarriage" to those you don't know well.

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#7 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 05:58 PM
 
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I lied to most and said I had a m/c. Those who I knew I could 100% trust (and that was very few) I told the truth to. Only my sister knows, the rest of my family I never even told I was pregnant. That said, I terminated because of the situation I was in, not because of my child's immediate health or high risk of being special needs, death, etc. Even so, some people will even give you he!l for terminating when the babe will not live, or your health is at incredible risk. It's a matter of finding out who you trust to not judge you. I found more were supportive and understanding than I expected. All in all I told maybe 10 people the truth. Do as you feel is best. You terminated for the safety of yourself and because the child would not have a healthy future, if a future out of the womb at all. People's ignorance and closed-minded views are often even open to those reasons. But it's up to you to decide how you feel they are most likely to react and tell them whatever based on that.
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#8 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 07:49 PM
 
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I totally agree with Lisa. No judgment here. And I can understand the risks associated with mirror syndrome. A lady and her husband on another forum was met with a tough decision at 14 weeks when the AFP screening results came back 1 in 3 for a trisomy disorder. She had the amnio done and the results came back T18, which often ends in stillbirth. Most babies with T18 don't make it to term or near term. They did decide on termination. I believe she was 15 weeks. She decided to have labor induced and give birth. The morning she went in she had them do a u/s and it showed her heart had already stopped beating.

It was very hard for them. I truly felt for her. Many, many hugs, mama. :

Aeona - married to super hot nerd Toby . . . mama to Grace (9) Evangeline (7) Duncan 11.14.08   and Henry (4) born at home. Expecting again early December!  

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#9 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 07:52 PM
 
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I would simply say you lost the baby, because that is what happened. I hope no one gives you a hard time. You had a very difficult decision to make. How painful!
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#10 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 09:07 PM
 
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I agree with what's been said, especially Lisa.

As far as the friends that were left hanging, I'm not a proponent of lying, but your might say something that would lead them to believe that the baby didn't survive. "We lost her. She didn't survive. I had a D&C." - It's the truth, but presented in a way that won't make you say, "I terminated." Shut them down. I learned through some awkward situations since my miscarriage: it's non of their damned business, even if they're your friends. It's your right to decide what you want to tell them.

I had always thought that even if my baby's death was imminent (T18 or 15, for example), I'd still carry as far as possible, but with the mirror syndrome I would have probably made the same choice you did. Seeing a real live case of HELLP - I know your life was at serious risk. Your kids need you.

Again, so sorry you're going through this.

Aurora , happy wife to C., mama to 3 : and , lost 12/08 & our 4/24/10
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#11 of 26 Old 03-21-2009, 09:17 PM
 
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I think you'll learn as time goes on it's no one's business how you lost your baby anyway. We lost our children to issues within my body that make a pregnancy hard to maintain. I explained that to various people time and again, but I've found now that if it comes up in conversation at all, I offer as little information as I can. That's better for me, and really better for them. Most people take the hint and stop probing. I think if you're asked, you say you lost a little one to T21. No one needs to know the process of that loss unless you invite them to know it. **Hugs** to you as you heal...

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#12 of 26 Old 03-22-2009, 03:45 AM
 
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You know, anyone who hasn't been in that situation who dares to judge you is entirely out of line. Their disapproval shouldn't mean anything to you. I say 'shouldn't' knowing that 'should' and 'shouldn't' mean very little in real life, but it's true in this case.


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#13 of 26 Old 03-22-2009, 06:56 PM
 
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i agree with most of the replies suggesting you find a way to phrase it that is as close to the truth as possible
i feel that lying about something like this might not actually be protecting you as much as you think it will?
my experience with lying about something you feel some shame (rightly or wrongly) about can only exaggerate the shame
because you are contributing to the feeling that it is something to hide
and then sometimes when we tell someone something we feel afraid to
it can be incredibly healing to let it out in to the light, unburden ourselves
and then even more healing when the other person doesn't judge you as you feared
because my guess is anyone worth their salt in your life will not judge you for making such an incredibly painful and real (and informed) decision
i totally relate to the feeling of wanting to cut people out
rather than face the music with them
but i regret the freidnhsips i've lost because i couldn't handle conflict so i just ran
i wish i had said what i feared and if THEY ran, then at least I gave it a shot
the friednships where i've risked more honesty are stronger becasue of it

so i wish you strength : and most of all healing :

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Originally Posted by Sonnet View Post
You know, anyone who hasn't been in that situation who dares to judge you is entirely out of line. Their disapproval shouldn't mean anything to you. I say 'shouldn't' knowing that 'should' and 'shouldn't' mean very little in real life, but it's true in this case.

Mama to lovely twin girls 1/08
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#15 of 26 Old 03-22-2009, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i agree with most of the replies suggesting you find a way to phrase it that is as close to the truth as possible
i feel that lying about something like this might not actually be protecting you as much as you think it will?
my experience with lying about something you feel some shame (rightly or wrongly) about can only exaggerate the shame
because you are contributing to the feeling that it is something to hide
and then sometimes when we tell someone something we feel afraid to
it can be incredibly healing to let it out in to the light, unburden ourselves
and then even more healing when the other person doesn't judge you as you feared
because my guess is anyone worth their salt in your life will not judge you for making such an incredibly painful and real (and informed) decision
i totally relate to the feeling of wanting to cut people out
rather than face the music with them
but i regret the freidnhsips i've lost because i couldn't handle conflict so i just ran
i wish i had said what i feared and if THEY ran, then at least I gave it a shot
the friednships where i've risked more honesty are stronger becasue of it

so i wish you strength : and most of all healing :
Thanks for this. I opted not to lie to the people closest to me. I originally worded my e-mail deceptively and then corrected it when someone assumed I m/c'd. I guess I just felt like if they didn't understand and didn't realize they WOULDN'T, then I really didn't need them and really--I wasn't going to get the support I needed through lying anyway.

Thanks again. I do feel better not lying about it.

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#16 of 26 Old 03-23-2009, 12:58 PM
 
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#17 of 26 Old 03-23-2009, 08:04 PM
 
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Thanks again. I do feel better not lying about it.
I think you're making a brave choice to be truthful – you've done NOTHING wrong! – but it will also help you get the support you need.
Big hugs to you, mama.

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#18 of 26 Old 03-24-2009, 02:09 AM
 
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I would tell all that I lost the pregnancy and leave it at that. If they want more details, tell them you do not wish to talk about it. It is truely none of their business.
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#19 of 26 Old 03-25-2009, 09:24 PM
 
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I'm so sorry.

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#20 of 26 Old 03-25-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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I did. I was pressured and it wasn't even that anything was wrong, it was a matter of what MIGHT go wrong. I was pregnant with triplets after fertility treatments and I was scared out of my mind.

I have learned that until you are in that situation - doctors you are supposed to trust telling you this is the best thing to do, that all these horrible things will happen if you don't - you just don't know what you will do. Because I never thought I would do it.

I will talk about it on line quite freely, because I know there are other women out there who are or may be in the same situation, and I want my side of the story known. When I was trying so hard to research and do the "best" thing, everyone was either, it seemed, 100% against or 100% for. I didn't find tales of women who had done it and regretted it deeply, as I do. I did find "studies" claiming women who reduced trips to twins were emotionally more healthy 2 years after the reduction. Only after doing it did I find others who regretted and have kept silent. I have found that in circles where people talk about it - saying you regret it is percieved as "not supportive" rather than offering this side to people still deciding.

So... on line, I will discuss it, in hopes of presenting the whole story.

In real life, I *really* feel people out before I will bring it up.

I have lost one real life friend over it, but others have stuck by me.

I do often feel like I have a big scarlet A on my chest, often when I meet new people I want to say "By the way, I've had an abortion, does that make you hate me?"

I've learned that a LOT of women I know have had abortions, though, for all sorts of reasons, at different times in their lives... people I never would have thought had done it, before hand. I guess chances are, the people you fear will judge you - you never know, but it's possible they have been there, too. I have also "met" women on line who have had abortions and it's just mindblowing, the after effects that no one talks about, because they're ashamed to admit that they had the abortion in the first place - there's just so much out there people just don't know.

In your case I am actually jealous of you because you had a good reason - I only had fear. But I know it still sucks and it still hurts.

I am so sorry for your loss.

DS T 11/16/03 DDs K & E 3/28/08
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#21 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 04:03 AM
 
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Heather,

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing. I am very strongly Pro-Life, and to me, a large part of that means being there for those who have had to terminate a pregnancy. A true pro-lifer is not judgmental. Many people assume I am self-righteous and bear a holier than thou attitude just because of my stand on abortion. But I want you to know that I don't for a minute judge anybody who has ever had to terminate a pregnancy. You are absolutely right in that if you have not been in that situation, you do not know what it's like. The bottom line is, you lost a child, regardless of how it happened. As a mother who lost my child, I know that is the worst thing to ever experience. You and your precious child are in my prayers. The circumstances of your child loss are absolutely nobody else's business. You deserve nothing less than love, support, and compassion. I pray you find peace and comfort through this difficult time.

God bless you,
Kristin

Kristin, wife of Chris (married 07/14/07) . Mommie to Aiden Taylor (12/05/08 at 8 weeks 5 days). Godmother to my angels on Earth, nieces Charlotte (born 01/30/06) and Chloe (born 07/25/08).
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#22 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 05:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In your case I am actually jealous of you because you had a good reason - I only had fear.
But in my head, I didn't have any of that. I feel like I was just outvoted and bullied (although that was more about the drs.).

I was absolutely distraught with wondering what to do and feeling completely torn at taking chances without feeling fully informed about the odds and the risks--but it wasn't exactly fear.

I'm just trying to move on now. As this happened, we had another crisis unfold that is just calming down now. So I really had the weekend to myself but Monday all hell broke loose and distracted (and drained) me more. I think I just need some "time off".

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#23 of 26 Old 03-26-2009, 05:23 PM
 
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But in my head, I didn't have any of that. I feel like I was just outvoted and bullied (although that was more about the drs.).

I was absolutely distraught with wondering what to do and feeling completely torn at taking chances without feeling fully informed about the odds and the risks--but it wasn't exactly fear.

I'm just trying to move on now. As this happened, we had another crisis unfold that is just calming down now. So I really had the weekend to myself but Monday all hell broke loose and distracted (and drained) me more. I think I just need some "time off".
I understand... believe me, I felt outvoted and bullied, too. It's unreal... you just don't know what it's like if you haven't been there. And in the end, it doesn't matter what the reason - whether there were clear and present risks to the mom... whether there was clearly some problem incompatible with life with the baby... whether it was just a matter of "we can't financially/mentally/physically handle this child..." ... it doesn't matter. The guilt afterwards is tremendous. You will always question, could we have made it? No one EVER addressed this with me. My doctors told me, lots of marriages break up after higher order multiples. Lots of women have bad PPD with higher order multiples. No ever said "A really high number of marriages break up with in 5 years of an abortion" or "lots of women have severe depression after an abortion" both of which are true. And you think, well, duh, can't a woman figure that out for herself? Well, not when the alternatives she's given aren't that appealing, either.

It's presented like, this is a MEDICAL decision, you need to do what's SMART and leave your heart out of this -

I don't know if that makes sense. But I'm baffled that you need a psych eval to have a sex change but no one suggested a psych eval before doing this. Not to me.

I just feel like I will spend the rest of my life wishing I hadn't done it, or wishing I knew if I did the right thing... I have this crazy jealous side when I think, she clearly had a better reason.

But like I said it doesn't matter. It all sucks. No one talks about what it's like afterwards. All the different sides have their own agenda for hiding it. And so the cycle just continues.

Which is why, like I said, I'm not totally silent about it.

Still, it's hard to know who to trust with it. Because people can be so judgmental...

DS T 11/16/03 DDs K & E 3/28/08
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#24 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I understand. And I know explaining how I feel doesn't make you feel any less jealous.

You're right--the whole thing sucks.

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#25 of 26 Old 03-27-2009, 06:09 PM
 
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Heather,

I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart breaks for you. I wish I could make all of this better for you. The bottom line is that, for the most part, hospitals and doctors are more worried about covering themselves and not being faced with liability issues than they are with their patients. I wish I could help you to understand this is NOT your fault. It is much easier for a doctor to push you into teriminating a pregnancy than to deal with potential liability issues.

I don't know if you ever watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 (one of my fave TV shows); it's a show about a married couple who dealth with infertility. Their first IUI cycle led to twin girls. They wanted one more child and did another IUI cycle. She ended up pregnant with sextuplets. She was highly pressured into "selective reduction" (terminating the majority of the fetuses so the remaining fetuses and she, herself, had a better chance at survival). Although she was able to successfully carry sextuplets, and they were all born and are now healthy, that is not the norm. Whether there is a health issue at stake or not is besides the point. Many doctors are automatically trained to encourage termination, regardless of the situation, among their patients. The doctors are not the ones dealing with fear, hormones, etc. They just want to do what's easiest for them. I know it's hard to not blame yourself. Even though my OB told me there was absolutely nothing I could have done any differently to prevent my miscarriage, I still blame myself every day for losing my Aiden. I always wonder what I could have done differently so my baby would still be with me.

I wish so much that this could be easier for you. Losing a child is the worst thing in the world. Please know that my love, support, and prayers are with you. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you. You can send me a PM or an e-mail at [email protected].

God bless you,
Kristin

Kristin, wife of Chris (married 07/14/07) . Mommie to Aiden Taylor (12/05/08 at 8 weeks 5 days). Godmother to my angels on Earth, nieces Charlotte (born 01/30/06) and Chloe (born 07/25/08).
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#26 of 26 Old 04-20-2009, 07:40 PM
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I want to share this link for those who have chose to terminate due to poor health diagnosis http://aheartbreakingchoice.yuku.com
This place has helped me immensely. PM if you have any questions. <3
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