Nine years.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 04-12-2009, 09:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nine years ago today I gave birth to my first child. We had waited years for him. Our tiny son came into this world early and w/a heart defect. He only stayed w/us for five days. But those five days are some of the most precious of my life.

His candle has been burning all day. We went to visit his grave earlier. We took the cake the girls helped me bake and a balloon as they requested. I love that my girls love to do things for their brother. I also took some flowers and a little figurine. We just spent some time honoring his short little life.




Happy birthday my dear Austin. We love you and miss you w/every breath.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#2 of 25 Old 04-12-2009, 10:25 PM
 
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Oh Amy. I had no idea you'd been on this journey for so long.

I'm all teary. The very mention of Austin is so precious.
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#3 of 25 Old 04-12-2009, 10:58 PM
 
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Happy Birthday, Austin. :

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#4 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 01:21 AM
 
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Austin
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#5 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 01:29 AM
 
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s Sending your family all my warm thoughts and love.

Due January 23rd with my
Missing Asa James, born into this world 11-17-08 and into the next 12-25-08
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#6 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 01:54 AM
 
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to you mama
Austin

~Manessa mama to one teenageer, one tweenager, and a toddler

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#7 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 02:22 AM
 
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Happy birthday, Austin


*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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#8 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 08:40 AM
 
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Margot joy.gif- lovin' life with DH and my 3 little loves
Thrilled to be pregnant with baby#4, but being cautiously optimistic since I have had 3 miscarriages.
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#9 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 10:49 AM
 
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: For Austin

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#10 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 01:35 PM
 
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Austin

married to my best friend sam sahm to beatrice (04/07) and mourning lucia, born still 12/22/08
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#11 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 02:25 PM
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Happy birthday sweet baby Austin.

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#12 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 02:33 PM
 
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Thinking of your family.
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#13 of 25 Old 04-13-2009, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much. This week just keeps getting harder..knowing how oblivious I was at the time that the clock was ticking down on our time together. Each day bringing me closer to the day he died.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#14 of 25 Old 04-14-2009, 08:04 PM
 
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huge hugs to you Amy and the family. and special thanks for all you've done for me lately. It really does help to know others have been down this path. I know these days here are when Austin was living are still very hard for you. huge huge hugs as we share April 12th.

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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#15 of 25 Old 04-14-2009, 08:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much. I'm so sorry we share it w/such sadness.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#16 of 25 Old 04-16-2009, 10:32 AM
 
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*Huge hugs to you* mama, and Happy belated birthday to Austin. I get on here so little nowadays, with work being so far away, so I apologize for the lateness of this message.

What you said reminded me of visiting my brother Finn's grave (he died in 1986 from a placental abruption, same as Josie though apparently unrelated in terms of genetic stuff) and looking at his little white marble headstone. They made it out of a piece of scrap white marble they had in the shop - only big enough for a baby's headstone. My mother would clean it up and repaint the engraved lettering whenever it needed doing. Sometimes she'd cry quietly, sometimes she wouldn't. It really depended on the day. There was a railway line that ran behind the graveyard, down an embankment, and my brother and I would lean over the fence to watch the engines go past, and play in the old flowers removed in big piles from other people's new graves (they were in a big compost heap, put there by the cemetary gardeners I think). We'd explore the other, old graves, and the big tombs that people had made hundreds of years ago.

When we go back to England this summer, hopefully I can go visit him - he's in St Albans, which is such a pretty place.

Anyhow, you are a strong lady and you know, coming from the point of view of someone six months into the journey like myself, without other biological children, you give me hope, because you were then able to go on and have more children after losing Austin. Honestly at this stage, I would love to hold a living baby of my own...it's like a craving. You show me it can be done.

*HUGE hugs* again XXXXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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#17 of 25 Old 04-16-2009, 11:37 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JayJay View Post
My mother would clean it up and repaint the engraved lettering whenever it needed doing. Sometimes she'd cry quietly, sometimes she wouldn't.
My mother had a child die at the age of 3... she was hit by a car. There was a grave, but my mother never visited it. She never talked about it much. I knew about it, that I'd had another sister, but that was about it. When I was older and could drive, I went to the grave. I was the only one who ever did, as far as I know. My older brothers and sisters (who had been there when she was hit) never talked about her, either.

My mother did keep her picture on the wall with ours. But there was no yearly memory of her (I didn't even know her birthday until I was an adult). I always wondered, especially after I had my own children, how someone could lose a child and not acknowledge it that way. I imagined the pain was so great, maybe she just had to block it out as much as she could?

Of course, now I know what it feels like. But I still can't imagine doing what she did... living as much as possible in denial. I'm sure she thought she was "moving on," but I don't know if she really did. Especially since she once said to me, "When you came along, I was afraid to get close to you, because I'd already lost one child." And I've always been estranged, in that way, from my mother. There's a wall there she put up after her daughter died, and there's no getting past it for me.

SO that whole long explanation just to say - I'm so glad to see you acknowledging and honoring your child after nine years, and for including your other children and letting them understand your loss. It's a gift and a blessing to them and you and to Austin's memory. :

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#18 of 25 Old 04-16-2009, 11:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Dawn-thank you for saying that. I can't even count how many times over the years that I have been told that I'm probably doing damage to them including them in things we do in my son's memory. Not that I plan on not including them. But it still hurts. Although this from the same people who tell me I have survived this or that it gets easier or that I should be over it or I need to move on or since I have other children I shouldn't think of him or grieve for him or that my other children replace him. I could go on and on. I do not believe ANY of that and get very angry when I hear people say it.
I actually had the same problem when my oldest came along. After losing my son I never wanted another child..ever. But I did get pregnant again..way too soon. And I had a horrible time bonding w/her. She was well over a year old before we started to form any kind of bond. I do love my girls w/all my heart but it still pains me when I hear people talking about having another as though it just fixes everything..because (for me at least) it certainly doesn't happen that way. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling on..sorry.


Tomorrow is the day he died. It hurts every bit as much now as it did then.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#19 of 25 Old 04-17-2009, 10:01 AM
 
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Thinking of you and your dear Austin today mama

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#20 of 25 Old 04-17-2009, 01:06 PM
 
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extra hugs to you today Amy.

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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#21 of 25 Old 04-17-2009, 09:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Nine years ago today I sat there in such shock and disbelief during his final moments on this earth. I held his lifeless body willing him back to life. My heart and arms ache to hold him again. It feels like an eternity since I held his precious little body close to mine.

We planted a new plant here at home today. And then we went to visit him. Each day of his life I do something special for him. This year I worked on a small painting..a special portion each day-relating to that day. So I took that and some flowers w/us. Read him some of the things I had been writing to him this week (which was I think a gift from him..as I haven't been able to write much for a little while-I used to do it all the time for each of my children). And cried probably a million more tears. I sat there replaying that day. And all the guilt and sadness and every emotion washed over me just as it did that day.




Austin-you are missed and loved more than words can ever express.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#22 of 25 Old 04-19-2009, 12:11 AM
 
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that was really sweet what you do/have been doing.

huge huge hugs ((((((((((((((((((((Amy & Austin))))))))))))))))))

rebecca

wife since 1992; mom to: J 7-95; H 5-98; C 2-03; S 4-05; Micah Zachary born still UC 4-08; UM 9-08; due June 2010
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#23 of 25 Old 04-19-2009, 02:15 AM
 
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You have found such meaningful ways to honor your son.

Mom of 5: dd (10), ds (8) & dd2 (4), my sweet baby son born still 3/2/09, and celebrating the arrival of our dd 5/7/10.
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#24 of 25 Old 04-19-2009, 10:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Today is the last day in our week of rememberance. In some ways the coming days will be even harder.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#25 of 25 Old 04-20-2009, 12:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Amy&4girls View Post
Today is the last day in our week of rememberance. In some ways the coming days will be even harder.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.

:

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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