this is going to be harder than I thought - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 04-19-2009, 09:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH's brother & his wife just had their first baby, a sweet little boy. :

I'm so happy for them, but I didn't realize how hard it would be for me. We think our baby was a boy. All the other cousins so far are girls. Our baby would have been just over 3 months younger than theirs. Will I ever be able to see their sweet baby without thinking of mine?

-Shannon, momma to H reading.gif 8/03, N heartbeat.gif 9/06, & P homebirth.jpg 8/11, missing S brokenheart.gif born at 11 wks 1/09 

 


 
   

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#2 of 18 Old 04-19-2009, 09:53 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. It can be so hard to deal with. It's been nine years for me and I still have a very hard time hearing of other people's little boys.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#3 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 02:46 AM
 
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Sorry mama

~Manessa mama to one teenageer, one tweenager, and a toddler

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#4 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 07:08 AM
 
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I'm sorry mama ... my niece was born 3 weeks before my DD was stillborn. I've only been able to see her twice since then (neither time willingly) and I can barely speak to my SIL on the phone. I wish I could tell you it gets better ... I'm hoping it does but I think I'll always think of Emma when I look at their daughter. All that to say, I understand.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#5 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 10:07 AM
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I don't love seeing babies at all right now.. 'lucky' for me, I had a son, and 10 women I know who gave birth last year all had daughters! It might make it a tiny bit easier.. but I still invite them over, I don't feel like I want to hold or kiss on babies, but I can be in the same room with them and not crumble. A month after Dresden died my cousin brough his new baby girl to my mom's while I was there and I completely lost it.. a sobbing mess!

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#6 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 02:13 PM
 
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It's been 8 months since my son died. Some days are better than others at seeing babies.

There is a baby I see on a semi-regular basis that is just about the same age as my son would have been. I have a hard time looking at him because I want to compare milestones and wonder where my son would be right now, sitting up, trying to walk early like his older brother, etc.

I've also found this strange feeling that even when I look at other babies I don't envy (not the exact word but close, can't think of a perfect word) them because my heart just misses my son and I know it will never be no matter how much I wish. Does that make sense??? It gives me a little bit of peace and my heart doesn't get as upset as I think it could.

I don't think it will ever go away completely.
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#7 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 02:23 PM
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It does make sense cheshire. I feel the same way.. it's hard to explain, but no, I don't envy the people who have their babies.. as you said, I know what i want can never be..

Shannon Shaun - DH (and boyfriend since I was 16). my sweet Gwen 1/1/06 missing Dresden born sleeping 39 weeks 9/9/08 :, Delaney is scheduled to arrive 8/31/09 Odin&Loki :
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#8 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 02:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cheshire View Post
I've also found this strange feeling that even when I look at other babies I don't envy (not the exact word but close, can't think of a perfect word) them because my heart just misses my son and I know it will never be no matter how much I wish. Does that make sense???
Yes.

I don't want your baby, or her baby, or their baby... I want MY baby.

There's a big, big difference.

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#9 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 03:52 PM
 
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Yes.

I don't want your baby, or her baby, or their baby... I want MY baby.

There's a big, big difference.
EXACTLY that.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#10 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 06:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MI_Dawn View Post
Yes.

I don't want your baby, or her baby, or their baby... I want MY baby.

There's a big, big difference.
That is exactly it. But seeing any baby reminds you of what you are missing.

My sister and I were pregnant with our first children. Katie was born about 5 weeks before Gideon. I have seen Katie countless times since, but sometimes, I just have to get up and leave the room because it hurts too much. All through pregnancy, Misty would tell me what to expect next - the kicking is fun, wait until you can't stop eating, etc. And now, she should be telling me - Katie just started sitting on her own, so Gideon should be soon, Katie just took her first step, is Gideon trying yet? But I get none of these. Seeing her makes me miss him more. But I love her a ton and completely independently of him.

I got off topic, and, well, I guess it's hard to explain.

Rachele Garrin ~ Missing Gideon and Butterball ~ Loving for our Jareth
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#11 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 07:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by MommaSomeday View Post
That is exactly it. But seeing any baby reminds you of what you are missing.

My sister and I were pregnant with our first children. Katie was born about 5 weeks before Gideon. I have seen Katie countless times since, but sometimes, I just have to get up and leave the room because it hurts too much. All through pregnancy, Misty would tell me what to expect next - the kicking is fun, wait until you can't stop eating, etc. And now, she should be telling me - Katie just started sitting on her own, so Gideon should be soon, Katie just took her first step, is Gideon trying yet? But I get none of these. Seeing her makes me miss him more. But I love her a ton and completely independently of him.

I got off topic, and, well, I guess it's hard to explain.
Not off topic. I get it, momma. I wish I didn't.

-Shannon, momma to H reading.gif 8/03, N heartbeat.gif 9/06, & P homebirth.jpg 8/11, missing S brokenheart.gif born at 11 wks 1/09 

 


 
   

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#12 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 08:17 PM
 
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Not off topic. I get it, momma. I wish I didn't.
Yeah. That. :

I didn't mean to minimize the effect of babies. Seeing babies is still unbelievably painful - but not because I want that particular baby, but because it reminds me that I don't have MY baby.

Not that I need babies to remind me. I can see cantaloupe and burst into tears. Or laundry baskets. Or robins. Or flashlights. My brain, apparently, now has one track, and can make any association all about my baby.

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#13 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 08:51 PM
 
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Our kids have been born in pairs with their cousins & now my 4th nephew has no pair without our son. I know rationally that I love my nephew & that he is a treasure. But I can't have his picture on my fridge. It reminds me too much of what I'm missing. I haven't met him yet because we live far from each other, but I'm already trying to figure out how I'll survive our 2 weeks of summer vacation together because as much as I love him, it will be too intense of a reminder for me. I feel like a crap aunt because of it, even though everything I read tells me I'm normal.

Mom of 5: dd (10), ds (8) & dd2 (4), my sweet baby son born still 3/2/09, and celebrating the arrival of our dd 5/7/10.
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#14 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 11:25 PM
 
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#15 of 18 Old 04-20-2009, 11:55 PM
 
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I didn't mean to minimize the effect of babies. Seeing babies is still unbelievably painful - but not because I want that particular baby, but because it reminds me that I don't have MY baby.

Not that I need babies to remind me. I can see cantaloupe and burst into tears. Or laundry baskets. Or robins. Or flashlights. My brain, apparently, now has one track, and can make any association all about my baby.
Ditto. I didn't mean to minimize the effect, either. It is a huge reminder that my son is gone. I have a friend at work whose son was born just a couple of months after our son was born. It is hard to talk to her about him and she is very sensitive about it. I can imagine it would be that much harder if we were super close or family.

I also get that everything is a reminder. Just the other day I was trying to watch a silly wedding show and broke down crying because it reminded me that when my oldest son gets married his brother won't be there to stand with him and celebrate such a special day. And, that my second son won't get the chance to ever fall in love. Those thoughts can come from out of nowhere.

I know I'll miss him forever.

Hugs to you all.
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#16 of 18 Old 04-22-2009, 06:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by expatmommy View Post
Our kids have been born in pairs with their cousins & now my 4th nephew has no pair without our son. I know rationally that I love my nephew & that he is a treasure. But I can't have his picture on my fridge. It reminds me too much of what I'm missing. I haven't met him yet because we live far from each other, but I'm already trying to figure out how I'll survive our 2 weeks of summer vacation together because as much as I love him, it will be too intense of a reminder for me. I feel like a crap aunt because of it, even though everything I read tells me I'm normal.
(((HUGE HUGS))) mama. I feel for you with that looming.

My niece's thanksgiving service is in August. As of now, I'm not attending - maybe I'll feel differently in August but I probably won't. I get feeling like a crap aunt - I feel it too. Although, sometimes, you know, I actually don't have the energy to care that much that I am. I figure my niece has plenty of people to love and fuss her. She isn't going to feel the lack of me in her life ... and then of course I feel deeply guilty. Urgh. It's a minefield.

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Originally Posted by Cheshire View Post
Ditto. I didn't mean to minimize the effect, either. It is a huge reminder that my son is gone. I have a friend at work whose son was born just a couple of months after our son was born. It is hard to talk to her about him and she is very sensitive about it. I can imagine it would be that much harder if we were super close or family.

I also get that everything is a reminder. Just the other day I was trying to watch a silly wedding show and broke down crying because it reminded me that when my oldest son gets married his brother won't be there to stand with him and celebrate such a special day. And, that my second son won't get the chance to ever fall in love. Those thoughts can come from out of nowhere.

I know I'll miss him forever.

Hugs to you all.
I actually wrote in my daughter's journal (I write as if I'm writing to her - it helps somehow) how sad I was that she wouldn't dance at her sister's wedding and how sad I was that I'd never dance at hers. Sometimes it just hits you - we didn't just lose a baby we lost a whole lifetime with them ... and possible grandchildren ... I try not to let my mind go there too often.

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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#17 of 18 Old 04-22-2009, 02:36 PM
 
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Sometimes it just hits you - we didn't just lose a baby we lost a whole lifetime with them ... and possible grandchildren ... I try not to let my mind go there too often.
Uh yeah. No. If I think about that, I'll go insane. Like, straightjacket and rubber room insane. Can't go there. Uh uh. At least, not yet.

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#18 of 18 Old 04-22-2009, 04:14 PM
 
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The idea of all we have lost is incredible and overwhelming. It's hard for me to think about. I'm with you, Dawn - it's padded walls and straight jacket territory, to be sure.

Rachele Garrin ~ Missing Gideon and Butterball ~ Loving for our Jareth
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