Someone's watching over me (long) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 04-20-2009, 03:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I need to get this out somewhere for someone else to see, instead of keeping it locked away in my heart. I don't know if this is the best place or not, but..... you ladies are so strong and awesome, I thought I could find strength here. I guess I also want a little tribute to my little ones lost....

My story:

Starts 10 1/2 years ago when DH and I met. We were 18, and totally in love. I got pregnant a year later by accident. They told me that I had a "borderline" ectopic and that the placenta was starting to grow in my fallopian tube. I was young and very scared, so was DH. They told me that my life could be at risk...blah blah blah.... I felt bullied into termination- that is why I choose UP/UC later. I wasn't ready to be a parent. I know she was a girl (I have strong feelings about my babies genders), and I think she could have made it..... but I will never know for sure. She was 9 weeks old. I am so sorry I didn't listen to my heart little one....

Fast forward to 2006.

We decided we wanted children of our own after 8 years together. I had another oops pregnancy in January. I felt my son's presence around me, but I don't feel like that little body was right, I knew something was wrong from the beginning. I lost that little body after 5 weeks, but I still felt that presence around me. We felt like he was supposed to be part of our family, so DH and I decided to try to make another home for him, and I conceived in March and my beautiful boy is over two now.

I dreamed 2 weeks after Gage's birth that our family was supposed to have one more, about 2 or 3 years later- a girl with dark hair. In January of 2008 I had another "unexpected" (we weren't trying, but we weren't not trying either) pregnancy. I felt a girl around us then. We were very excited! I even told my sister and BIL at about 7 weeks or so, they were happy for us too! That night I started bleeding. We lost that little one that night. I think I already knew what was happening. I was hoping that by telling them, she would stay..... That presence of her left with the little body. I hope that we helped fulfill her needs here on Earth while she was with us.

We tried again that May and have a beautiful 9 week old girl now. I was terrified that whole pregnancy. I felt like I could loose her at any moment. I never felt like that with Gage, he always felt strong like he would make it through anything. But even today I feel like someone must be watching over me and this little one.... I feel like she/we cheated death. She was born after only 7 pushes, after an increadably short labor, and her cord wasn't pulsing, there was a large clot that came right after her body, and she was a bit blue. I feel like there was a partial placental abruption after she was in the birth canal, and I had to get her out now!

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I should be here, at this forum, with her too.... but somehow, by some miracle, I am not. Maybe I am still grieving the loss of her sister 10 years ago?....I don't know, I am just so confused....

I do want to add that I feel so blessed that I have my 2 children, I am just so conflicted by these feelings.... I really needed to get them out.... and I needed my little one to have her story told even though it has been 10 years.

Anyway.... Thank you to all the mommas who share their stories, memories, photos and hearts in this forum. Thank you for supporting each other through this crazy and often terrifying journey of life. And thank you for having a space for a living memorial for all of our little ones lost. I wish everyone peace in their journey of healing and remembering....

Momma to G 12/06 A 2/09, AND ANNOUNCING... Welcome big boy! A 5/10/10 9 lbs 10 oz! We and had our 3rd UP/UC!
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#2 of 6 Old 04-20-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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Thinking of you and your lost little ones.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
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#3 of 6 Old 04-21-2009, 03:15 AM
 
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Many hugs

*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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#4 of 6 Old 04-21-2009, 05:06 AM
 
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Thank you for sharing that with us

Mum to Quinn, Aug 14th 2010
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#5 of 6 Old 04-22-2009, 10:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I wanted to add an update:

After posting my story here, I felt like I could express these feelings to DH. He said that he had similar feelings about Alena, and he was very scared about what we would see when she was born. He was so relieved when she was okay. Her birth was so fast and so intense I didn't know what exactly was going on in the first few minutes after her birth while I was trying to regain my here and now consciousness. DH said she was pretty blue, her cord wasn't pulsing, and a piece of her placenta came out right after she did- I thought it was a clot. He cleaned it up before I saw it, he also checked my placenta over afterwards. He got her going while I was trying to come back from my deep concentrative trance of birth.

He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to worry, and she is here and fine now so he didn't see the point in stressing me out. We both feel like if we do ever have another child (we don't plan to) that UC birth is probably not the best idea since we have had two deliveries that were complicated in some way- DS was 50 hour posterior labor who crowned improperly- I got the largest circumference of his head- I tore terribly (almost 4th degree) and he was born without a pulsing cord too- I new he needed out NOW too during that phase- and forced myself to tear that way (I had been trying for 30 minutes to get him past crowning). So we feel beyond incredibly blessed to have these two with us- someone (my mom maybe?) has to be watching over me and my babes.

I have found peace with my two miscarried little ones- I mourn their passing, but I did everything I could to give them a happy life- I cherished every second they were here.

For my little one ten years ago.... I will always remember you and all that I learned from your short life....

Momma to G 12/06 A 2/09, AND ANNOUNCING... Welcome big boy! A 5/10/10 9 lbs 10 oz! We and had our 3rd UP/UC!
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#6 of 6 Old 04-22-2009, 10:20 AM
 
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thank you for sharing your story. i believe you when you say someone has to be watching over our family and our babies. it truly is a wonderful feeling to think that, isn't it? i'm happy that you got the strength to mention it to your dh. i bet that brings you peace. s

Jessicaintactlact.gif, wife to Derricklurk.gif, missing Joslyn angel3.gif, 22 weeks 06.18.08, rainbow1284.gifBaby Kai Ambrose 05.10.10 and Isla Blythe born on Thanksgiving '12 uc.jpg

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