early miscarriages - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 06:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
ursusarctos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just had my third early miscarriage today, at 6 weeks. Last July I had one at 5 weeks, and in May I had one at 7 weeks.
I had a beautiful experience today with DP, who helped me deal with the strong cramps I had. I realized that when I eventually give birth I can do it with him alone there, because the contractions/cramps drew me so intensely in to my body and he was such a perfect support.
I sat under my favorite tree and imagined my blood running into the soil and nourishing the tree. My cramps eased then (they always do when I do that).
I felt peaceful and emotional. Now I feel sad. I am so awkward with emotions. I know if I cried I would feel better, but for me that is like vomiting, I resist it until I just can't anymore. I don't know what I am feeling. I'm feeling far more than just one thing.
The losses are all so early. I don't even know if any of them even had heartbeats yet. I know there are mamas on here who lose babies they have actually felt and seen, and it feels so petty to be sad at this early stage.
But I am. And I can't help wondering if I'm just not even meant to ever have children. I'm annoyed that I have to wait longer to be pregnant again. I'm afraid that I'll miscarry again.
I've learned something from each of my miscarriages, and I don't feel that they have been in vain, at all. But I feel so frustrated. It seems so unreal that I could actually get to hold my own baby. It feels like I'm concentrating on it too much, and yet I can't seem to think of anything else.
Sigh. Well, thanks for reading if you got this far. I needed to vent.

Me treehugger.gif and DH caffix.gif and sweet baby DD heartbeat.gif born 08/2011.

ursusarctos is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 06:29 PM
 
Amberenergy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 163
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you for being so brave to share your experience. A loss of a baby no matter the stage is something to be grieved; never feel that you can't or shouldn't. It sounds like you are going through this in a mindful, beautiful way. Everyone has a process and there is no right way.
Blessings and peace to you and my deepest sympathy for your loss.
Amberenergy is offline  
#3 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 06:40 PM
 
AngelW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 16
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry you have had three losses of your babies. HUGS!!!!
You said you have learned something from each one.. Can you share what? I can't figure out what I'm supposed to learn here and I think there must be something. I am miscarrying at 11 weeks.
AngelW is offline  
#4 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 07:03 PM
 
Amy&4girls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,217
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so sorry for each of your losses.

momma to my girls (9) (7) (4) (3) (7m) &
my little ones held only in my heart 4/12-17/00~8/01-twins~11/04~3/05~11/08
Amy&4girls is offline  
#5 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 08:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
ursusarctos's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 2,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you so much mamas It helps just to know someone is listening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelW View Post
I am so sorry you have had three losses of your babies. HUGS!!!!
You said you have learned something from each one.. Can you share what? I can't figure out what I'm supposed to learn here and I think there must be something. I am miscarrying at 11 weeks.
Oh, I am so sorry!
I believe that we are here to learn and grow, and that everything in your life is a potential lesson. Since your journey is unique, every lesson is going to be unique to you and your life. Someone else might learn something else from the same event. There is something very powerful to be learned from loss and pain, I think. I feel like I have just started learning. My life has been so blessedly sheltered compared to so many others. But I feel that it's part of a wonder-full journey that I just don't have the full perspective on from here, and I feel that the pain I am experiencing now has a purpose. Pain and loss are such integral parts of life, they must be important for being a whole person.
What I have learned this time in particular is that my body works, oddly enough. When I gave in to the pain of the cramps/contractions and moved with them, went into them, I found myself instinctively moving in the way that made them most bearable, and also they became much more bearable. I haven't felt that "in my body" and present for a long time. My uterus is very functionally emptying itself, and it knows exactly how, and it probably had a good reason. I have not experienced this kind of trust (based on knowing on a non-verbal level that things were going right) of my body before, paradoxically. I feel that I got a taste of labor, and I know that I can deal with it, and I understand much more now the idea of "trusting birth".
The fact that I have miscarried several times now is also teaching me something very difficult about control. Basically, it is shoving in my face the fact that in life there are no guarantees, and challenging me to remain peaceful and calm in the face of that. I know there's nothing I could have done, and that being paranoid doesn't help anything, but it's hard not to be, to still have hope and trust. To live with the unsureness of life.
I feel that also I am being given opportunities to learn how to become less awkward ("deal with") emotion and expressing it functionally.
I can see that these things are there for me to work on, but I am feeling a little bit fumbling with them right now. Rome wasn't built in a day I guess. Mostly I think I have to learn how to give myself permission to be sad without feeling ashamed or that it's the end of the world.
Oh, and I think I'm supposed to be learning patience too, but that's a constant one isn't it
I hope you are able to take something positive from your loss... don't worry if it doesn't seem like you can right now. Maybe that's exactly what you need to let yourself feel.

Me treehugger.gif and DH caffix.gif and sweet baby DD heartbeat.gif born 08/2011.

ursusarctos is offline  
#6 of 7 Old 07-12-2009, 08:07 PM
 
calmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: beautiful CA foothills
Posts: 1,217
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thank you for sharing your experience. i'm so glad that you found your dp to be such a perfect support. you're right too. my dh has been equally supportive in my births and losses. i hope you get to experience a live birth as soon as possible. (((hugs)))

Christie

Vegan, homeschooling mom to my 3 boys and my girl, missing Matthew born still at 34 weeks
 

calmom is offline  
#7 of 7 Old 07-13-2009, 10:25 PM
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

I have had at least 4 early losses at 5w1d, 4w4d, 4w3d and 11w (although the baby had died at around 8w). I, too, felt that these losses weren't as significant as losing a child from stillbirth or after being born alive. The wonderful women here helped me understand that a loss is a loss no matter when it happens and I have just as much right to feel sad and mourn as anyone else.

I had a lot of blood tests after my 3rd miscarriage and found out that I have a double mutation on my mthfr gene that interferes with folic acid absorption and may cause blood clotting issues and/or decreased blood flow to my uterus that may increase my risk of miscarriage so I am supposed to take mega doses of folic acid and low dose aspirin every day. I'm currently waiting for chromosomal testing from this last pregnancy. I don't know how any of that is supposed to help me.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off