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I want to acknowledge SIL's loss, years later.. how?

574 views 10 replies 7 participants last post by  ShineliketheSon 
#1 ·
My SIL lost a pregnancy just before DD was born. I found out when SIL called to congratulate me on the birth. This was SIL's only pregnancy, and it seems she will not be able to have biological children, and I know that she would very much like to.

Except for telling her how sorry I was on that phone call, I haven't acknowledged the loss in any satisfactory way, and now it's been 4 years. I intended to send her a card but then DD was hospitalized and I was overwhelmed for 10+ weeks (probably PPD) and then it just never happened. I also, at the time, did not properly understand the significance of pregnancy loss.

SIL and I have a friendly relationship but we don't talk frequently at all. We just see each other when her visits to her mother coincide with DH's and my visits, plus we usually go to her house for Christmas. So we see each other maybe 3 times a year, talk on the phone maybe once a year if that, and email each other maybe 4 times a year. Just for context.

We invited her and her husband (and MIL and her husband) to our house to celebrate DD's 4th birthday. Since her birthday nearly coincides with SIL's loss, I wonder if there's a tactful and loving way I can bring up the subject and more properly acknowledge her loss. I do feel bad that I hadn't until this point.

Any thoughts or suggestions? I don't know if some small gift or token (flowers?) would be appropriate or not, or just some way of bringing it up and maybe even apologizing for not having properly addressed this before.. I don't know. SIL and BIL have tattoos commemorating their baby, and they also both left the Church as a result of the very poor treatment they received from their priest when they were grieving (these facts I learned from MIL, not from direct conversation with SIL), so I know this was significant and life-changing to them, and I'm guessing that they think of their baby when they see my DD, so I just think I really need to acknowledge their baby in some way when they come celebrate DD's 4th year of life.
 
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#3 ·
Maybe you could make her a bracelet out of pretty beads...and tell her that you made it in memory of her lost baby, and that you love her.
 
#5 ·
I was at a pregnancy loss support group last night, and a couple of the mama's were at the one year anniversary of their loss. In honor of their daughters, they had gotten together with close family and friends to celebrate this first birthday, and had a little party at a park. They said that it made them feel closer to their little ones, and all were glad they attended. Maybe you could have a little cake, or give a little present in honor of you SIL's little one.

So many people never acknowledge this loss, or they feel too awkward to say anything. I understand that you were going through your own life changing event. I feel like its never to late to say you are sorry for a loss. I've been going through a recent loss, and I've had a hard time dealing with the lack of support that has come from my family. I doubt they will ever come to me and show real sympathy, but if they did I would really appreciate it, even it is four years from now.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by colorclash View Post
I feel like its never to late to say you are sorry for a loss. I've been going through a recent loss, and I've had a hard time dealing with the lack of support that has come from my family. I doubt they will ever come to me and show real sympathy, but if they did I would really appreciate it, even it is four years from now.
first thanks OP for posting! What if someone doesn't want to be reminded? I know my mom doesn't talk much about her loss at 20 weeks. She didn't see him or hold him maybe that made the difference, although you dont get to do that with miscarriage either, IDK. SIL lost baby 1 to miscarriage at 8 weeks and is now due with baby 2 in Oct. I've wanted to bring it up to see how she's doin but SIL and I have never talked of it since the miscarriage and that was brief, though I've mentioned the stillbirth losses of my DDC friends in conversation by accident. Since she doens't talk about it I wonder if she doesn't want to. I talk openly with other friends about their losses but am afraid of bringing it up to SIL...I'd hate to say the wrong thing especially if she doesn't see her miscarriage as her first child as I would...idk where her heart is...
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ShineliketheSon View Post
What if someone doesn't want to be reminded?
This question has definitely held me back. Bigtime.

I just feel in my heart that it would be better to acknowledge it once, even if it never comes up again. I also have considered that their tattoos are permenant, kind of public (though I haven't seen them, I don't know where they are - but that doesn't actually mean they aren't visible, I have serious vision loss and would have to kind of ogle SIL and BIL if I were really trying to look!) declarations of their loss. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe their feelings have changed in four years, easily possible. But still, it seems to me that when they see DD they must think a little about their baby, since DD's birth and their loss coincided, and DD is the only child between DH and his sister.

I like the PP's idea of a heartfelt letter. Then they can decide whether they want to talk about it again or just read the letter and put it away. But I'm not sure about the logistics either. Give it to her when she's leaving and ask her to read later? Give it to her when she comes and suggest she read later? Just give it to her and not suggest "later"? She will only be staying the day.

I am also thinking - and I'm going out on a limb here, I really haven't experienced this myself - that most people want to talk about their grief, unless they have some other more complex feelings (like guilt, whether justified or not, could of course prevent a person from being able to process the grief, I imagine). I can't imagine SIL and BIL feel any guilt, they couldn't have possibly done anything wrong, and SIL clearly has fertility issues (pcos I think). I have a coworker who lost her sister very suddenly and tragically last year, and she told me (in so many words) that she wanted to talk about it, and she hated the hush-hush kind of tiptoeing around it. (ETA: I also wanted to share my birth story - not with SIL, I just mean in general - but felt kind of stifled because nobody was really interested. So I have to settle with rehashing it with DH every now and then, and even 4 years later we talk about it maybe every 6 months or so, at least a little).

I guess I'm thinking of doing the letter and just giving it to SIL quietly as they are getting ready to leave. Then they will have the privacy of the car ride home together (plus, of course, they will be together) for SIL to read it, and for them to talk about it. And that way it also won't put any pressure on them to talk about it during the get-together. If for some reason SIL would like to talk about it more, I'm sure she'll email me later.

Thanks for the input!
 
#8 ·
I knew a woman who had lost a child to cancer and a child to miscarriage and I remember her telling me that one of the worst parts about the anniversaries of their deaths was that nobody wanted to talk about it with her and she felt that no one remembered. So, yeah I think reaching out to your sil is a good idea. You can leave it in her court as to whether or not she wants to talk about it, but at least you can give her that chance and let her know that someone else is remembering her loss.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
This question has definitely held me back. Bigtime.

I just feel in my heart that it would be better to acknowledge it once, even if it never comes up again. I also have considered that their tattoos are permenant, kind of public (though I haven't seen them, I don't know where they are - but that doesn't actually mean they aren't visible, I have serious vision loss and would have to kind of ogle SIL and BIL if I were really trying to look!) declarations of their loss. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe their feelings have changed in four years, easily possible. But still, it seems to me that when they see DD they must think a little about their baby, since DD's birth and their loss coincided, and DD is the only child between DH and his sister.

I like the PP's idea of a heartfelt letter. Then they can decide whether they want to talk about it again or just read the letter and put it away. But I'm not sure about the logistics either. Give it to her when she's leaving and ask her to read later? Give it to her when she comes and suggest she read later? Just give it to her and not suggest "later"? She will only be staying the day.

I am also thinking - and I'm going out on a limb here, I really haven't experienced this myself - that most people want to talk about their grief, unless they have some other more complex feelings (like guilt, whether justified or not, could of course prevent a person from being able to process the grief, I imagine). I can't imagine SIL and BIL feel any guilt, they couldn't have possibly done anything wrong, and SIL clearly has fertility issues (pcos I think). I have a coworker who lost her sister very suddenly and tragically last year, and she told me (in so many words) that she wanted to talk about it, and she hated the hush-hush kind of tiptoeing around it. (ETA: I also wanted to share my birth story - not with SIL, I just mean in general - but felt kind of stifled because nobody was really interested. So I have to settle with rehashing it with DH every now and then, and even 4 years later we talk about it maybe every 6 months or so, at least a little).

I guess I'm thinking of doing the letter and just giving it to SIL quietly as they are getting ready to leave. Then they will have the privacy of the car ride home together (plus, of course, they will be together) for SIL to read it, and for them to talk about it. And that way it also won't put any pressure on them to talk about it during the get-together. If for some reason SIL would like to talk about it more, I'm sure she'll email me later.

Thanks for the input!
I spoke with SIL about her loss tonight. It was a really good conversation. She knew I cared for her but also felt at the time she didn't want to necessarily talk to me about it, she said she had some friends who had experienced loss that she chatted with but mainly went through it with her husband (my bro). But she was glad I asked her about it and we talked for a while about how she got through it and how she feels now with this pregnancy. So thank you for the post OP and for the comments that encouraged me starting the conversation.
 
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