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I would love your input again!

381 views 7 replies 4 participants last post by  NullSet 
#1 ·
I know I have stopped by this forum before to ask for input.

My friend, from my daughters baby group, lost her precious son at 11 months old. We have stayed in touch and I have done somethings to remember her son (bought her a necklace, and gave a donation on his bday and christmas).
A year and a half later she invited me for a coffee (previously we had only emailed) we had a good time.

My daughter and her son were born a week apart.

She has invited me for coffee again. She said that I can bring my daughter to her house.

It will be two years since her loss....this spring.

I am not sure if it is appropiate to bring my LO. What do you think?

Also.....after two years....do you think his room will still be there? Will there be pictures in the house?

Should I mention him or not? (I gave a donation at Christmas in his name)

I just want to be sensitive to her feelings......
 
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#2 ·
Bring your daughter. Believe me, there's nothing more alienating for a mama who's experienced loss than having all her mama friends keep their babies away from us... I completely understand why you might want to leave your LO at home, but, doing that kinda makes a mama who's lost a baby feel like a leper, you know?

She also has invited your LO - you know, it might be joyous for her to see your daughter! After I lost Josie, a good friend of mine let me mother her baby, Ciara, a bit - she was born just shy of a couple of months after Josie. I got to love on Ciara and babysit her, and then got pregnant with Bella. I love that little girl so much and I love and respect her mama for letting me get close to her!

Might sound odd, but then we mama's who've lost a child are in a bit of an odd position in life.


*HUGE hugs* - don't be afraid! XxXxX
 
#3 ·
JayJay--thanks for your input. I wasn't sure if she was just saying that because she didn't want me to get a sitter. She has seen and been around my daughter and really loves her. I asked her once if it hurt too badly to see my daughter. She said it hurt but that my daughter wasn't her son. It made sense. But it must be painful to see what my daughter is doing....and mentally comparing what her son should be doing.

He passed away at 11 months old so his memorial and birthday are a month apart.

I feel that it is very important for me to acknowledge it somehow. I am not sure yet how. (When he first passed I gave her a memorial necklace...she really liked it... I also got a plaque with his name on it at a memorial garden......both Christmas's since I have donated money to feed a family for Christmas in his memory....) So I am trying my best to think of a nice thing to do this spring......any ideas are welcome!
 
#4 ·
You're a good friend to her. I agree with Jay, she invited your daughter so bring her along. Sure, your daughter is a reminder but it's not like she's forgotten, either, yk?

I don't know about the room, might still be there. Pictures, I'd bet money on it. Why would she remove them? She might have only had him here for 11 months but she'll always have him in her heart and I'm sure pics are a great comfort for her.

Do not worry about it being awkward. It may feel like a nightmare to her or some horrible dream she can't wake up from but I wouldn't describe losing a child as "awkward." That's just how others feel sometimes. For us, it's just part of who we are now.

If she mentions him you don't sound like it would bother you. And, if he naturally comes up in your conversation and you mention him she'd probably be glad to hear his name.

I know there are some people in my life who quietly freak out when I mention my son. There are others who I can feel their empathy for me but my mentioning him doesn't make them want to rush and change the subject. Those are the friends I feel the most comfortable with - they don't have to make me feel better and I appreciate it that they don't make me feel worse when my son does come up.

You might ask her how she is now that it's been almost two years. Most people probably don't ask her. But, don't feel like you have to be the one to talk to her about it, either.

I guess I'm just trying to say be yourself.

Best wishes and enjoy your coffee!
 
#5 ·
If she invited your dd then she is letting you know she is ready for that. Go ahead and bring her.

I always like being around people that are comfortable with me talking about my dd that was stillborn. So just be comfortable with whatever. Maybe she will talk about him, maybe not. I'm sure there will be pictures, not sure about the room.

I have a friend whose 2 year old dd died (before I knew my friend) and her birthday is within a couple of months of my oldest dd. And she has a ds that would be the exact age that my second dd would have been. I look at her ds and compare and I'm sure she does the same with my dd. It's hard not to but it doesn't mean we don't enjoy each others company and children.
 
#6 ·
Thanks again for your replies.

I would love to look at pictures or anything. I did offer to make a scrapbook about a year ago....but she wasn't ready. I told her she can tell me if she ever is.

She has told me about different things in the hospital etc. Sometimes, I can feel tears welling up....but I try hard not to cry in front of her. I feel that I can listen but that me melting down in tears would not be much comfort for her. And even after almost two years....the thought of her not having her son still chokes me up.

I will ask her what day is best for coffee!!!
 
#7 ·
Don't be afraid to cry in front of her mama
It's okay! Sometimes people cry in front of me, and then I start crying too, but it's such an important release and makes me feel very close to the other person. Actually a couple of people came up and cried in the middle of stores when I lost Josie, and I hugged them, and there we were in the middle of a store, crying... Crying is okay - you crying won't make her more upset and actually afterward you might find it much easier to talk about all the other topics you want to talk about!
XxX
 
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