Remembering Soren on his first birthday... - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-29-2010, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wrote the following as a part of a letter my DH and I wrote to our son on today, his first birthday:


I have spent a year fearing this day. I have spent a year walking around with a hole torn out of me. I have spent the better part of this year covering it up, talking around it, stepping gingerly around its edges pretending, fairly effectively, that it wasn’t there. Today is the day I have been afraid that the hole would swallow me up. Any other day I might be able to change the channel, click on a different website, turn up the music, or absorb myself in the lives of others, but not today. Today is your day. The day that, a year ago, I waited anxiously for. The day I would finally get to meet you and see your beautiful face. My baby. My son. My Soren.

And then the day came and you were more beautiful than I could have hoped for. And I loved you more deeply and completely than I could have known possible. The kind of love that moves mountains and spans the universe. The kind of love that the human heart is scarcely built to contain.

And I know, upon closer inspection, that this hole, my constant companion for the past year, isn’t a hole at all, but a great reservoir full of my love for you, my baby. I wish I could separate my powerful love for you from the equally devastating pain of losing you, but I can’t. They are two halves of the same whole. And coming full circle to this day, the day when you were supposed to be smearing your face with frosting and tearing open wrapping paper, I find myself instead smearing the tears from my own face and hoping I can get through this day without being torn in two.

But perhaps the truth is, I am already two. As your mother, a part of me will always belong to you. And wherever you are, a piece of me will always be there. My love that surrounds you, protects you, and holds you where my arms can’t reach.

Today is your day, my sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday, Soren.
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:38 PM
 
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Soren

Jenna ~ mommy to Sophia Elise idea.gif  (1/06), Oliver Matthew  blahblah.gif (7/07) and Avery Michael fly-by-nursing1.gif(3/10)

 

dizzy.gif Wading slowly and nervously into this homeschooling thing.

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Old 03-29-2010, 09:56 PM
 
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What a gorgeous letter to your son!
Soren

Happily muddled mom to baby Kiki, 11/2010

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Old 03-29-2010, 10:03 PM
 
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A heart-breaklngly beautiful tribute to your precious son.

dust.gifFour-eyed tattooed fairy godmother queer, mama to my lucky star (5) and little bird (2.5). Resident storyteller at www.thestoryforest.com. Enchanting audiostories for curious kids. Come play in the forest!
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:44 PM
 
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That was utterly beautiful, mama . Happy birthday, Soren .

Krista; blessed mother to four earthly beings and three non-physical. Basking in my beautiful rainbow. 
 
 

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Old 03-30-2010, 12:24 AM
 
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Happy birthday baby boy.

Soren

*formerly apecaut*, Mom to A, Calliope (stillborn 40 weeks 6/22/07), A and O
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Old 03-30-2010, 12:57 AM
 
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I came on mdc today specifically to wish Soren a Happy Birthday. Ive been thinking of you an your family all day.




Soren

wife. dd1 : dd2
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:05 AM
 
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I came on here too because I wanted to know I am thinking of you today (and most days actually).

Soren will never be forgotten. Your words are so beautiful. I wish you didn't have to write them and Soren was here instead.



XOXO
Beth

mama to Milena Anjali (4/26/06) and Vincent Asher (4/13/09) ~ married to the love of my life since 2002.
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:15 AM
 
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What a beautiful tribute to your son.

Soren

~Manessa mama to one teenageer, one tweenager, and a toddler

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Old 03-30-2010, 01:24 AM
 
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Soren

rainbow1284.gifenergy.gifAugust 2010 ; angel2.gif April 2009; angel1.gif m/c 2008

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Old 03-30-2010, 03:09 AM
 
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that is beautiful and has me crying. Soren

Christie

Vegan, homeschooling mom to my 3 boys and my girl, missing Matthew born still at 34 weeks
 

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Old 03-30-2010, 03:30 AM
 
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Thinking of you and Soren and sending you so much love...

I will always remember.

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:05 AM
 
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What a beautiful letter. Thinking of you today.

Soren

Mother to DD#1  s/b @40w 2003 for unknown reasons; DD#2   nearly 10 years old; DS  6.5 years old 
  Why are daughters protected but not sons?
 
 
 
  
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:56 AM
 
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Beautiful letter
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:18 AM
 
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Soren

"And I know, upon closer inspection, that this hole, my constant companion for the past year, isn’t a hole at all, but a great reservoir full of my love for you, my baby. I wish I could separate my powerful love for you from the equally devastating pain of losing you, but I can’t. They are two halves of the same whole."

Your words, your thoughts are so beautiful. I use this phrase so rarely but no other will do: Your letter to your son has blessed me today. I hope you are comforted and warmed by the memories of your precious baby and the love and light sent to you by the many mommas who hold you in our hearts today.

Amy

Wife to K since 6/95 Mommy to "The Fellas" ages 13, 10 and 8 and our rainbow girly 12/09.
Always remembering my babies who could not stay '08 '08 '09
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:35 AM
 
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Soren


remembering with you mama....

D. proud Mom of H. E. M. and T. always remembering Norah (11/07 at 40 wks) and (10/06) see profile
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:42 AM
 
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Remembering Soren with you.

Mom of 5: dd (10), ds (8) & dd2 (4), my sweet baby son born still 3/2/09, and celebrating the arrival of our dd 5/7/10.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:59 AM
 
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You've been heavy in my thoughts lately. We will always remember your sweet boy and grieve right there with you. I hope you find yourself surrounded by love and support.

Rochelle  chartnew.gifff: /home/simplyrochelle  Wife to Matt; angel1.gif 9/08; angel1.gif 11/12;angel1.gif 6/13;

Every day brings me closer to fulfilling my dreams of becoming a midwife and a mother  

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Old 03-30-2010, 02:16 PM
 
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I love your reservoir of love analogy - it's so true. It's deep and dark blue and huge isn't it. I think in the simplest terms, I have found relief with Bella because I get to turn a tap on and release some of the pressure in that reservoir. Then it doesn't feel like something that just builds and never gets used. If you see what I mean.

Remembering Soren with you as he turns one year old. XXXXX *HUGE hugs mama* XXXXX

Mama to Josie , lost 10/10/08 at 37.4 weeks .
and my rainbow baby, Isobella Mai ...born 1/12/2010 ! in profile...
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Old 03-30-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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Happy Birthday, Soren.

Thank you for the analogy - it is a beautiful way to describe that hole and I'm glad I have a new way of looking at it. You've touched my heart today and I'm so sorry you had to live through the last year without your son.
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Old 03-30-2010, 04:15 PM
 
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i hate that babies die.

beautiful letter. i bawled my eyes out.

D, wife to an awesome man, mommy to 2 awesome boys!!
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:00 PM
 
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I don't know what to say, other than that I cried for you and Soren and your husband last year at this time and I'm doing it again this year.

Living the good life and walking a path of peace with DH and DD (4/09)
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:03 PM
 
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Such beautiful words from a mother with a beautiful soul.

Soren

Jill &heartbeat.gif the keepers of my heartheartbeat.gif : Dave, Ben (9/2002), Lucy (9/2004), (m/c 9/2007) Emma (born still on her due date and forever missed 10/2008) and Tobias (1/2010)grouphug.gif
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:25 PM
 
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Your letter to Soren really resonates with me.... I feel very much the same way, so full of love for my daughter that sometimes I think I might burst. And it's true - our love knows no limits. We will love our babies fiercely for all of our days on earth.

Thinking about you and Soren, mama. Soren was our 'boy' name had Freja been a boy. The baby I am pregnant with now is a boy, and will likely be named Soren. Knowing your Soren adds an extra special depth to the meaning of the name for me, I hope it is okay that I share this......

Soren

Mom to three girls and a BOY: (2003) (2007) (3/25/2009 - 4/10/2009) (5/2010)
Blogging my way through grief. Look in my profile for link.
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:31 PM
 
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Soren
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:39 PM
 
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I remember you. Your story. Soren's story. Peace be with you mama.

hh2.gif

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Old 03-30-2010, 10:06 PM
 
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Remembering your precious boy with you, Mama.
For Soren

Em, married to J, Mama to K-17, H-14, S-8, her twin m/c @ 9 wks, my beautiful J.T. born still @ 38 wks due to an UCA 6-14-07 & Will born 5-7-08 - & Teddy 6-16-11 !!
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Old 03-30-2010, 10:56 PM
 
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Soren

This thread wasn't up yesterday when I came to MDC yesterday specifically to leave a rememberance for Soren. Thank you for sharing your words with us, they are beautiful and true. Tears for you, your husband & Soren.
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Old 03-30-2010, 11:19 PM
 
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Thinking of Soren, you and your husband. Big, big s

Married to my best friend Mama to DS1 4/2009 and DS2 3/2011 and two Remembering 3/2008
****5****10****15***20****25****30****35 ****40
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Old 03-31-2010, 01:17 AM
 
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What a beautiful tribute to your sweet baby boy.
Soren

Susan--SAHM/Freelancer, wife to Neil;  nonvaxing, CLW, cloth-diapering, homeschooling Mom to Benjamin, 5, and baby Daniel, born via VBAC!
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