It never happened - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 12 Old 05-11-2010, 02:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
MrsMike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,904
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First of all - Mother's Day sucked. Hated it.

Do people treat you as if you were never pregnant? As if your baby never died? As if it didn't matter because baby was "only" 4 weeks, 12 weeks, 18 weeks, 27 weeks, 32 weeks, 39 weeks or 10 hours old? I know this is a dumb question, but... I am so tired of people telling me, "well, no one knows how to react. They're coming from a good place and they don't mean harm." No. STFU. I'm tired of hearing that I make them feel bad because they don't know how to act. Can't people take responsibility?

My job is really getting to me. People just don't acknowledge "it." I can't have post partum depression because I don't have baby. A mom on another baby pointed that my PPD is worse because it's the kind where a baby died. I'm tired of being ignored and feeling pressure to put on a happy face so that other people can feel good about themselves and not have to worry about me. I'm tired of being told I can't be mad or sad because it makes other people feel bad. Sometimes I want to say, "F them!" How do they think I feel. Hello? McFly?

Work sucked today, like everyday, because every single mother was asked how their mother's day was. What did they do? Did they get breakfast in bed or have a special dinner? Did anyone talk to me or ask me about mother's day? Nope. It was like I wasn't in the room. Mind you, I have a live child. They might like to pretend that I'm not the mother of 2 children, but they can't deny the one.

I'm so sick of it.

Jenn treehugger.gifmama to Monkeylearning.gifSquishyenergy.gif& Riverangel1.gif(8wks)Wife to Mikejog.gif See you at the rainbow1284.gif Bridge, Abigael cat.gifand McKenna dog2.gifgd.gifnamaste.giffamilybed2.gifbellyhair.gifcaffix.gifcrochetsmilie.gifom.gifknit.gifcomputergeek2.gif

MrsMike is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 12 Old 05-11-2010, 03:29 AM
 
Milk8shake's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 124 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 15 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsMike View Post
First of all - Mother's Day sucked. Hated it.
I'm tired of being ignored and feeling pressure to put on a happy face so that other people can feel good about themselves and not have to worry about me.
.
I hear you. I feel like I spend so much time and effort being ok. Or convincing other people that I am ok. So I'm not a downer to other people.
Sometimes, I would like them to acknowledge that it's tough.

I don't need a huge emotional outpouring. A simple 'you okay?' would suit me just fine. I'm not okay, but at least you care enough to ask.

          Me & him and our beautiful fur boys Duke and Chopz
Forever missing our little ones lost
 
How we survive, is what makes us who we are - Rise Against
 
***4***8***12***16***20***24**28***32*** 36***40
Milk8shake is online now  
#3 of 12 Old 05-11-2010, 03:51 AM
 
Vermillion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I’ve come to realize how uncomfortable I make people. I try to be understanding and sympathetic to how all people feel but come on now, it really sucks to have my daughter’s short life swept under the rug to be forgotten because it’s easier than REALLY feeling it… You know? Death is uncomfortable, especially when it’s a baby, I get it! But it hurts to have people forget, or at least pretend to forget so they don’t have to acknowledge someone else’s pain.

It’s true that many people just don’t know how to react, or what to say, but a little bit of compassion goes a long way. Hell, if they’d just say “I don’t know what to say” that would be a huge improvement over just pretending my baby never existed!

Anyway, this has been a MAJOR issue of mine since losing my daughter over 2 years ago! But I now see that I can’t change others, only myself, and my bitterness towards those who want to forget has only hurt me, so I’ll remember my daughter the way she deserves to be remembered and I’m no longer going to worry about those who can’t or don’t want to be bothered with it. That's all I can do.

Peace to you~

Liz om.gif Lovin' DH partners.gif DS (12) coolshine.gif and forever missing DD angel3.gif (12/02/07) ribbonpb.gif
From the withered tree, a flower blooms~ He's here!!! So crazy in love with my  rainbow1284.gif  boy!!! 12/14/11 luxlove.gif fly-by-nursing1.gif

Vermillion is offline  
#4 of 12 Old 05-11-2010, 11:56 PM
 
lovebeingamomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: RI
Posts: 1,515
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I so understand...I had to drive around for a while on Mother's Day before entering the house where the family gathering was...just so I wouldn't look like I had been pouring out tears all morning, it was a sucky day indeed. I guess I feel like I have to put on a good face, because if I act upset, I know I'll get some stupid comment or some kind of sympathy that just hurts because none of the people I'm with have ever lost a baby. It's so hard, so not fair...uhhg. *hugs*.

Christian SAHM & birth doula.
lovebeingamomma is offline  
#5 of 12 Old 05-12-2010, 12:28 AM
 
scarletjane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East of the Mississippi
Posts: 358
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It sounds like your situation is made worse by the fact that you can't just avoid these insensitive people, since you work with them. That is so hard.

You know, I think that in our culture, loss and death are a subject that people have a really hard time knowing how to handle. I think that it is, in part, because we don't have a standard way that we address it or face it. In many cultures, there is tradition and ritual around what to do after a death. Not having that means that people are just left to figure it out themselves and this can create an unfortunate situation between the griever and the person responding to it. You would think that some common sense would give people a clue as to how to respond, but that just isn't always the case unfortunately.

I'm sending you wishes for strength and peace through this horribly unfortunate part of your path. I am so so sorry for your loss, mama.

My husband and I are trying to conceive again, while missing our beautiful daughter who was stillborn Jan. 2010
scarletjane is offline  
#6 of 12 Old 05-12-2010, 12:47 AM
 
SimplyRochelle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northwest Arkansas
Posts: 1,616
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I hate this. People constantly ask when DH and I are going to have kids and why we keep looking into adopting when we should try having our own first! It drives me insane. We started trying the second we were married (ok, maybe a few hours after that!) and our 3 year anniversary is this next Monday, so we've done so much more than try. And what do I have to show for it? Pain.

This mother's day I waited tables and got asked a million times if I was a mother. I couldn't help but wince each time. I just smiled and said, not yet, when I wanted to say is that I should be.

This road is so rough and I hate every single inch of it.

Rochelle  chartnew.gifff: /home/simplyrochelle  Wife to Matt; angel1.gif 9/08; angel1.gif 11/12;angel1.gif 6/13;

Every day brings me closer to fulfilling my dreams of becoming a midwife and a mother  

SimplyRochelle is offline  
#7 of 12 Old 05-12-2010, 12:40 PM
 
Kootenay-Cookie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can relate. I work in a small town bank, where I know most of the people that walk through the door. I am always plagued with the question "are you pregnant yet??" and more recently "Will you have reason to celebrate Mother's Day soon??" The truth is, for the past 13 weeks I have been lying saying I am not- but I really am/or was... I found out on Monday that there is a problem with the pregnancy and they need to do a DNC as soon as possible to 'fix the situation'. For weeks no one could give my husband and I an answer as to what 'is so wrong', and 'how it happened'. Tomorrow afternoon I hope I finally get my answers.

My coworkers who know keep saying the same things, "it happens so often, you're not the only one", "it's so common", "it's a blessing in disguise". None of which offer comfort. Sure, it happens a lot- but everyone's circumstance if different. When you try for nearly 3 years and finally see the two lines on the test it is so exciting, and you don't want to think something is going to go 'wrong'. I try not to let my emotions show, but hearing people say that just makes me cringe.

I guess it's awkward for people, and they don't know what to say. I guess if there is one good thing of this whole experience, it's that now I know how I want to talk to people about it. It's a sad thing. Instead of masking over it by saying "Oh it happened to me too, it's so common, 1 in 3!", I'm going to choose my words carefully to make the person feel supported, cared about, and that it's ok to have feelings of sadness. I will listen, instead of trying to change the subject or cut the conversation short.

I hope that my husband and I will be blessed in the future, and that all the other ladies who are waiting to be blessed will be as well. We will have our Mother's Day soon girls, and it will be even more special.
Kootenay-Cookie is offline  
#8 of 12 Old 05-13-2010, 07:15 PM
 
AmBam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 938
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Hugs mama! I don't have any clue what to say to you, because I'm experiencing it for the first time. I'm still totally avoiding people, but I"m not looking forward to what you are talking about.
I hope that the rest of the week has been easier for you. I hope that your work situation gets better. I'm so sorry. (((Hugs))) is all I know to send!

Life is to be enjoyed...not just endured!
AmBam is offline  
#9 of 12 Old 05-13-2010, 07:34 PM
 
StarMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: California
Posts: 4,451
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Yes, yes, yes. I agree that its insane how people just pretend like you were never pregnant, never had that child (or miscarriage), ect. And how uncomfortable and squirmy they get when you don't LET them forget (I frequently wear a pendant with Fiona's picture, speak about her whenever I wish, ect).

I reposted on facebook a blog entry from a mama who had lost her little boy that pulls no punches: http://babyslime.livejournal.com/585626.html (note there is strong language in the link)

My own brother decided to write me a long letter about how "everyone" he speaks to thought I was overreacting, Fiona was "just a fetus", I "need help", and was damaging my 6 year old by remembering and talking about her (and likely he was referring to Orion meeting Fiona and holding her in the hospital). I no longer consider him family, and cut all ties.

It is so impossible for me to grasp that people who haven't experienced loss like this just write off/think its something to ignore.

And that *we* should be considerate of how uncomfortable/sad other people feel? As if other peoples emotions are OUR responsibility.

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
StarMama is offline  
#10 of 12 Old 05-18-2010, 03:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
MrsMike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,904
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am so glad there are other's who understand what I am feeling. It's like we're in our own little bubble. Why does our society allow grieving parents to be treated like this?

I LOVE that babyslime link. Thank you so much for posting it. She writes exactly like me and says exactly what I have been feeling.

Not everyone at my work sucks, it's just the ones who do overshadow the ones who don't.

I was dealt another blow today. One of my best friends has been nearly non-existent since my miscarriage. She wrote a couple of 5 word comments on my facebook. She lives 1 minute away and never came to see me or make a true phone call. She texted me and asked if I wanted to go to a belly dance event a couple of weeks ago and I said I would most likely go. Then she dropped it and went on a MS walk instead. Never contacted me since. Until today. I got a card saying she was sorry about what happened to me but that I make her feel uncomfortable and that I shut the entire world out. She said she didn't know if our friendship could survive this. WHAT THE....ARE YOU SERIOUS? As if THIS was about her and her ego. As for me shutting people out. Oh hell no. You should see my facebook. Every other status (and I post several a day cuz I have no life) is about how I'm tired of being ignored, how I NEED people, how I'm craving comfort. I just want to scream and hit someone. What is wrong with people?

Jenn treehugger.gifmama to Monkeylearning.gifSquishyenergy.gif& Riverangel1.gif(8wks)Wife to Mikejog.gif See you at the rainbow1284.gif Bridge, Abigael cat.gifand McKenna dog2.gifgd.gifnamaste.giffamilybed2.gifbellyhair.gifcaffix.gifcrochetsmilie.gifom.gifknit.gifcomputergeek2.gif

MrsMike is offline  
#11 of 12 Old 05-18-2010, 11:10 AM
 
Catubodua's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 1,423
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
this is so hard. i think it's true that people just don't know what to do. just the other day one of the advice columns (can't remember if it's Dear Abby or whatever) where the woman wrote in to ask for advice to get her family to stop acknowledging her loss on mother's day because it was too painful of a reminder.

mom to Andrew   born Feb 6th, already a mom to child with fur; and still missing and still wondering about the lost possibilities Mar 17, 2009
Catubodua is offline  
#12 of 12 Old 05-18-2010, 05:51 PM
 
Emerging butterfly's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Big Sky country-golden sunsets
Posts: 989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This kind of loss is "invisable" because people do not WANT to see it. Seeing it makes them realize that it's something that happens to people, and thus, could happen to them too. they don't want to know that. They don't want to think about it. They don't want to talk about it at all.

But...it makes one feel very very alone.

I have seven sons. Two of them will never be known by anyone else, and will not be acknowledged as having really BEEN. . .and I miss them every single day. This mothers day...it was my other sons that acknowledged them. They each, independently, drew pictures of our family with two little spirits embracing our family....My children really GOT that I needed to have our twins present for mothers day. THEY really needed them to be present too.

It's so sad that our culture is so void of understanding...if they could understand, it would be so helpful and healing.

I'm so sorry....

Blog in profile*Sea turtle mother to 5 boysfencing.gifguitar.gifnotes.gifblueman.gif, and a beautiful rainbow girl dust.gif!!!! married to my best friendsuperhero.gif& enjoying my pup dog2.gif.Lost our little twins *Simon&Alexander* in 2009brokenheart.gif

Emerging butterfly is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off