I found out yesterday, that my baby has died at 14 weeks. THis is my 6th 2nd trimester loss, and 4th time just like this. Go into the doc for a routine appt, no heart beat, and ultrasound confirms my fears.
my doc recomended a d&E because of the size of the baby. I have never had one before, before a baby was born. Just one after, because of retianed palcenta, that was coming out in tiny peices, and i was nearly dead from blood loss. Had to have 3 transfusions.
Now, in my past, i have always just waited for baby to come. 2 have been born at home ( 21 weeks, and 15 weeks), one induced in a hospital ( 18 weeks) and then twins who died as a result of PROM and TTTS. ( 20-22 weeks) Now, were i am again. 14 weeks. i know i have a history of bleeding. A TON! with our babies born at home, i had midwife assistance. I felt safe, knowing that i bleed the way i do, because i had a midwife. This time, i have not hired a midwife yet, or even interviewed. I dont know if i feel safe having this baby at home. Then there is the part of me, that doesnt want to wait. I have spent many weeks, waiting for the birth of a sleeping baby. it was what i needed the first time, ( 3 weeksw 6 days) and the second time, i was dealing with major family tragedy ( murder/suicide of extendedfamily memeber) and i waited about 3 weeks. I was OK with those waits. with my baby induced in the hosptial, i needed it done, ASAP. my head coulndt handle the wait.
This time i am indifferent about waiting. I feel at this point, i could wait a while, but that might be because i just found out yesterday. However, i am afraid of my bleeding issues. My husband is very afraid of my bleeding. My doc highly discouraged doing this naturally, and he is very naturally driven and even supported my decision to homebirth my son ( born at 42 weeks). He doesnt medicate, and is a very hands off kind of a doc.
Here is my biggest struggle. Forgive my mental picture. I have one us pic that looks like a tiny dot. I didnt think to get one yesterday. So besides a pregnancy test, and a 6 week US, i have no "proof" of this baby. The thought of not getting to take a pic of my baby, or even look at him or her, is really hard on me. The thought of being put to sleep, while a doc dismembers, and sucks my baby from my womb, and then throws him or her away, breaks my heart. like more than i can ever describe here. I mean, this is my baby. not a product of conception. not a fetus. it is my BABY! a baby i wanted so badly. a baby i am so pissed is gone.
I keep praying that i will just go into labor, before friday, and i will go to the hosptial, if and when i start bleeding too much, after the baby is out. I feel the need to see my baby. but i am scred to go thru the pain, and bleeding, and i am afraid of my kids seeing the blood bath, my last little lost baby was. I was in labor for 44 hours to birth a 15 week baby. it was painful and bloody.
I do trust my doc, so maybe he knows something i dont. I will say, even though baby measured 14 weeks on US, and i could see the spine and all of that, the baby didnt really look like a baby. it was kind of "blobbish: looking, so maybe my doc is trying to protect me or something. He is very compassionate, and has great bedside manor. maybe he knows something i dont.
He also suspects a concealed placental abruption. I wonder if tht would made a natural miscarriage more bloody??
I guess i am just writing, trying to figure all this out. I am scared, and sad, and completely devestated. This baby was unplanned, but not unloved.
my doc recomended a d&E because of the size of the baby. I have never had one before, before a baby was born. Just one after, because of retianed palcenta, that was coming out in tiny peices, and i was nearly dead from blood loss. Had to have 3 transfusions.
Now, in my past, i have always just waited for baby to come. 2 have been born at home ( 21 weeks, and 15 weeks), one induced in a hospital ( 18 weeks) and then twins who died as a result of PROM and TTTS. ( 20-22 weeks) Now, were i am again. 14 weeks. i know i have a history of bleeding. A TON! with our babies born at home, i had midwife assistance. I felt safe, knowing that i bleed the way i do, because i had a midwife. This time, i have not hired a midwife yet, or even interviewed. I dont know if i feel safe having this baby at home. Then there is the part of me, that doesnt want to wait. I have spent many weeks, waiting for the birth of a sleeping baby. it was what i needed the first time, ( 3 weeksw 6 days) and the second time, i was dealing with major family tragedy ( murder/suicide of extendedfamily memeber) and i waited about 3 weeks. I was OK with those waits. with my baby induced in the hosptial, i needed it done, ASAP. my head coulndt handle the wait.
This time i am indifferent about waiting. I feel at this point, i could wait a while, but that might be because i just found out yesterday. However, i am afraid of my bleeding issues. My husband is very afraid of my bleeding. My doc highly discouraged doing this naturally, and he is very naturally driven and even supported my decision to homebirth my son ( born at 42 weeks). He doesnt medicate, and is a very hands off kind of a doc.
Here is my biggest struggle. Forgive my mental picture. I have one us pic that looks like a tiny dot. I didnt think to get one yesterday. So besides a pregnancy test, and a 6 week US, i have no "proof" of this baby. The thought of not getting to take a pic of my baby, or even look at him or her, is really hard on me. The thought of being put to sleep, while a doc dismembers, and sucks my baby from my womb, and then throws him or her away, breaks my heart. like more than i can ever describe here. I mean, this is my baby. not a product of conception. not a fetus. it is my BABY! a baby i wanted so badly. a baby i am so pissed is gone.
I keep praying that i will just go into labor, before friday, and i will go to the hosptial, if and when i start bleeding too much, after the baby is out. I feel the need to see my baby. but i am scred to go thru the pain, and bleeding, and i am afraid of my kids seeing the blood bath, my last little lost baby was. I was in labor for 44 hours to birth a 15 week baby. it was painful and bloody.
I do trust my doc, so maybe he knows something i dont. I will say, even though baby measured 14 weeks on US, and i could see the spine and all of that, the baby didnt really look like a baby. it was kind of "blobbish: looking, so maybe my doc is trying to protect me or something. He is very compassionate, and has great bedside manor. maybe he knows something i dont.
He also suspects a concealed placental abruption. I wonder if tht would made a natural miscarriage more bloody??
I guess i am just writing, trying to figure all this out. I am scared, and sad, and completely devestated. This baby was unplanned, but not unloved.