My third baby, Ronan Diego was born still on January 21st, 2005. He was full term and 12 days past his due date. I know he was alive right up until he began his descent through the birth canal, because when the umbilical cord started choking him, he kicked me really hard. He was such a big baby (8 lbs. 12oz.) compared to my other 2 7lb. babies and his head was absolutely huge! I thought I would never be able to push it out. He was crowning for almost 20 minutes and when I was finally able to get him out, he came out limp and purple and would not get his breath. We tried everything, but he was already gone. Another 25-30 minutes later they resucitated him at the hospital (he was born @ home), but his spirit was already gone. He had been deprived of oxygen for at least 45 minutes by then. He had no brain activity and although they had his heart working and had him breathing through the ventilator, he just wasn't there. I was grateful to get to hold him while he was still warm and soft since I didn't get to see him until about 10 hours after the birth due to my own complications and him being transferred to the children's hospital while I was in the other hospital. It was not a hard decision to take him off the life support. I just wanted that beautiful, perfect little body to be at peace. Enough with all the tubes and needles, etc. I got to hold him to my bare skin after they took out all the tubes and needles. I undressed him and cradled him in my arms. In a few minutes he stopped breathing that fake little hiccup breath the ventilator had taught his lungs and he laid peacefully near my heart, finally at rest.
I just want to say to all the other mommas out there that have endured this kind of loss, we are so special!!! How honored we are that these babies chose us to come through, to teach us lessons about love, compassion and strength. We have all survived and we have become stronger and wiser through our experiences. I find myself feeling so grateful for the time I spent with my baby and the lessons his departure has brought to me that I can almost smile sometimes, even through my tears.
I remember the last few weeks of my pregnancy when everyone kept saying, "He just doesn't want to come out of there, does he?" Now I know that he never intended to come out. His life was a life in the womb, being held closely in the warm, cozy darkness. I know he knew us all; he heard our voices and felt our love every day of his life.
We all miss him and love him. His presence has changed us all forever and made us look at ourselves and our relationships in a different way; helped us to appreciate how beautiful and fragile life really is.
What a blessing it is to give birth to an angel!
Ronan Diego Mulvaney-Delgado 1/21/05 7:20am