Cremation after D&C? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 09-21-2010, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Am I crazy for setting up a cremation following the D&C I had yesterday? My baby was about 12.5 weeks when the heart was assumed to have stopped. The hospital doesn't routinely offer cremation but when discussing what what would happen with the remains after the D&C, my nurse sensed I was uncomfortable with the idea of the remains being "medical waste" so she said we coudl arrange for cremation. In my emotional state, I immediately said yes to that. Today, we spoke with the funeral home who said they were happy to arrange this for us but we needed to be aware there may be little to no ashes to pick up after the cremation, given the 12.5 weeks. I don't know why I didn't realize the ashes were from bone and that the tissue would leave nothing behind. Of course now I'm second guessing myself. For me, I personally just had a hard time feeling like the baby that I carried for 3 months would just be disposed of in such a clinical way. But now that I know there might not even be any ashes, I'm questioning the cremation too. I know in the end it doesn't really matter, as the baby has been gone from this world and my womb for almost 2 weeks now.

Has anyone else pursued cremation after D&C? Thank you for sharing such difficult matters. It helps to hear what others have experienced.

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#2 of 7 Old 09-21-2010, 09:54 PM
 
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I don't know personally, or at what week this was discussed, but I *do* know that I saw a message board post where a woman who'd had a D&C at a church-affiliated hospital said she found comfort in knowing that every baby's remains were individually cremated and contained, and then buried ceremonially along with others from that hospital in a respectful service. It seems like there would probably be only a very small amount of ashes, but some nonetheless, if they were able to do this on a regular basis.

I am so, so very sorry for your loss.

SAH dissertating mama femalesling.GIF to my sweet little boy (2/2009)
and his rainbow1284.gif baby brother (7/2011)
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#3 of 7 Old 10-09-2010, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So it only took a month but finally heard from the funeral home that there were a small amount of ashes after the cremation from my D&C. This is what I guess I wanted there to be, which is why I asked about cremation in the first place, but it was like a sucker punch to my gut when I found out there were ashes. I don't know why. It'll be a month tomorrow since we found out we lost the baby. I feel like everyone is expecting me to be "over" it by now, except DH, who is still grieving also....now I have to decide what to do with the ashes. I am giving myself a few days before going to pick them up. Just having a hard day.

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#4 of 7 Old 10-09-2010, 08:10 PM
 
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Our baby was around 14 weeks when he died, he was cremated. But it was through a Catholic hospital, so it's done a little different. They cremate all the babies that die before 20 weeks and then bury their ashes together in a little coffin, and have a group memorial service. So that's what we did.

You're not crazy for wanting it done and it's okay to be unsure of what you want done with the ashes. I felt a sense of closure after our son's memorial, but other than the day his remains were buried, I've only been there once.
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#5 of 7 Old 10-09-2010, 09:19 PM
 
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I think it's a good thing to have those ashes, or to know your baby was buried. I had a d&c at 12 weeks at a catholic hospital and they had no options. It breaks my heart every time I think about my precious tiny baby as medical waste. We have nothing to remember him by, they wouldn't release his ultrasound images to me or print out a picture in the ER when we found out the baby's heart wasn't beating. It's like he never existed, except in our memories of hearing the heartbeat with the doppler.

Momma to Sweet Rosie 7/06, Lost Baby J 1/09 at 12 weeks pregnant, Spitfire Ada born 4/21/10, and Baby Boy due July/August 2013!
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#6 of 7 Old 10-11-2010, 06:01 PM
 
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I had a d and e after my baby died at 19 weeks. We had her cremated, and I am so glad I did that.
I'm sorry for your loss mama.

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
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#7 of 7 Old 10-13-2010, 07:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry for your losses too mamas...thank you for sharing your stories. It helps to know others have struggled with the same decisions. The ashes were brought over today and it was hard. There were actually more than I thought there would be. The pathology report also came back inconclusive as to what caused the miscarriage. Peppermama, I'm sorry that the hospital was so awful to you. I just saw my midwife a few days ago and completely forgot I had wanted to ask for the u/s pic, even when the heart had stopped, just so I had something else to remember the baby by. I'llhave to call tomorrow.

I think I'm going to spread the ashes in my garden where I have a statue of a mother and child and plant some spring bulbs to flower when s/he should have been born in March. On the other hand, now that I have the ashes, I'm not sure I want to let them go either. Sigh. Guess I'll sit on it and wait for the answer to come. Maybe I'll do a little of both. Peace and blessings to you all.

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