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-   -   My miscarriage and my marriage (x-posted from Grief and Loss board) (http://www.mothering.com/forum/22-pregnancy-birth-loss/1320031-my-miscarriage-my-marriage-x-posted-grief-loss-board.html)

babylonghorn 07-01-2011 03:42 PM

I miscarried last week at 5 weeks.  I'm devastated and heartbroken.  It sucks that I lost a baby and it sucks that I can't talk about it.  Women don't talk about miscarriage or loss.  I can't figure out why, but maybe that is because I NEED to talk about it to heal and others don't??  Anyway, there's no one to talk about it with, and everytime I start to feel a tiny bit better it hits me all over again.  I can't sleep.  With an active 16 month old, the only time I have to grieve is at night when she's gone to bed.  Unforunately, this is when DH is around too. 

 

I thought DH would be sad.  He lost a baby too, and since it was so early he's really the only other person who knew. I want to talk about it with him.  Instead, he says that he's sorry I'm so sad and when asked if he is sad he says, "I'm sad over the potential for life."  He keeps telling me to stop dwelling on it. This tears me apart.  It was a life!  It was a baby!  It deserves to be remembered and missed!  I feel like he just wants everything back to normal and doesn't understand why I can't be my old self.  I don't understand how he can be so callous, especially when he knows I am so miserable.  Tonight he went so far as to tell me that he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself.  I feel sad for the baby.  I feel sad for myself.  I feel sad for DH.  I feel sad for DD. I don't understand how he can't be more upset, and I don't understand as a father he can feel like this wasn't really a life.  I feel like I'll never be the same and my marriage will never be the same.   

 

I just wonder how much of all of this is normal.  Whether the relationship struggles will get better with time.  Whether I'm losing my mind.  Whether DH's reaction is some weird testosterone response that I'll never understand but can come to accept.  I have so many "I wonders" right now. 

 

Thanks for "listening".  I just need to get it out because I don't know what else to do. 


RoseRedHoofbeats 07-01-2011 04:50 PM

Oh sweetie, all of this is normal. Even your DH's reaction. *hugs* It will get better. A lot of other people try to minimize it because they're trying to hold back the pain, because of if they can deny it was a baby then there's nothing to be sad over. But that's not possible when it's YOUR baby inside YOUR body, that YOU lost. I'm so sorry he's acting that way- it must make you feel very alone.

 

We're here for you. We're here because we needed to talk about it too. You might also like the www.iamtheface.org campaign, for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. There is also www.facesofloss.com where you can read about others' stories with infertility and miscarriage.

 

I don't know if you like to read or if tha would help, but I've been buying books off Amazon like a fiend about miscarriage and healing afterwards. This was probably the best. The authors interviewed 100 women about miscarriage and put it into a book, and it just helped me to know I wasn't the only one and that other people go through this and feel the same way I did. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0471548340

 

I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

 

~Rose


lollie2357 07-02-2011 09:23 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I do think it is usually harder for the mother, and DH didn't get the chance to bond in the way you did.  But also, his feelings, like yours will probably fluctuate over the next few months.  It's a lot to take in and deal with.  Just be patient with each other and with yourself. 

 

Did you have a memorial service or plant a tree or something similar?  It can be really healing for you and also help others who are on the outside understand the loss a bit more.  It doesn't have to be a big deal, but something simple that gives you a place (or a candle, or tree) to go back to can be helpful in the coming months.


babylonghorn 07-02-2011 09:48 AM

Thank you Rose and Wilson.  I would like to do something special for the baby.  DH keeps telling me we can do anything I'd like, I just haven't found the right fit yet.  I think it annoys him that I can't just do SOMETHING and suddenly feel better. 

 

DH is active duty and we have to move this fall so it was so hard to plant the tissue in my rose garden knowing that I'd have to leave it soon.  It sounds silly I'm sure, but I just feel like it should be with us.  Any kind of memorial will have to be something I can take since I won't be able to come back and visit the baby.   We aren't religious either which is adding fuel to the fire.  I NEED to believe that I'll get to hold this baby one day, that this tiny life didn't just disappear.  I can almost hear DH rolling his eyes when I talk about that.  I just don't want to be angry and sad over my marriage while I'm so angry and sad over my baby. 

 

I appreciate the links, Rose.  I'll look at those this evening.  DD is giving me a run for my money this morning. 


RoseRedHoofbeats 07-02-2011 10:16 PM

Can you dig up the rosebush and bring it with you? That's what I'm planning to do with our roses, since we're not planning on living here forever. I also cut the first bloom of the year and dried the petals.

 

I have special candles for both of my babies. I also have a little memory box with my pregnancy tests, the one belly shot I took with my first miscarriage, the dried petals, and some song lyrics. I have some special custom made jewelry, and two Willow Tree statues for them. Those really help- they are something for me to hold.

 

What I believe is that souls comes to Earth to be tried and tested. All souls need a physical body at some point, to complete their journeys. Even if that body is only here for a moment- that is all the test they need. This journey for them is over.

 

Whether the next babies we conceive will be that same soul- no one can really say. Whatever brings you peace. *hugs*

 

~Rose


gozal 07-05-2011 08:13 AM

Babylonghorn, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too am frustrated about how "taboo" feeling this subject seems to be for people. I decided to tell a few of my closest friends and of course family members and I am so glad I did. I don't think I'd be able to function very well if everyone "out there" other than DH didn't even know how not-okay the world feels, you know? If you have any people who could support you through this (and all of my friends live far away from me, so I know how that can be!) and it feels right to you, I would reach out to them. I also understand your feeling about burying and then having to move away. I feel the same way. I think, like all of your feelings, it's completely valid and worthy of respect.

 

I also wanted to say that, even having lost a pregnancy (and it was a complicated situation, possible ectopic, tests every other day for a month, etc.), I personally feel something similar to your DH's reaction. I do not feel like we lost a baby, but a potential life. I completely respect your reaction and in no way mean to diminish it. But, I think each person, including each woman who has carried the pregnancy in her own body, can feel many different ways about it. I continue to grieve the loss. I have cried so much! It hits me at the strangest of times. I feel in some ways I haven't even begun to take it in and really feel it and process it. It has been one of the most difficult times of my life. I mourn my possible baby and sometimes I even wish that I could know anything more about this potential person from genetic testing. I do not feel like I lost a living being, though. Every test showed that only placental cells formed. In my religious tradition, life does not begin at conception, so perhaps that influences my feeling as well.

 

DH was so deeply happy about the pregnancy and was very much effected by the loss, but he still grieved in different ways from me. It sounds to me like your DH is processing this in his own way and trying to support you, though sometimes in ways that are not what you need and are not helpful to you. I know you are genuinely troubled by the implications of his reaction, and of course it is a completely legitimate concern considering the significance of a miscarriage. However, it sounds to me like you both still need time to process and heal. My DH and I sometimes differ significantly on philosophical issues and it is really challenging, for me in particular more than for him. It is maybe the most difficult aspect of marriage for me. But I have learned that the quality of a person's character (or soul, to put it another way) is more important than their abstract thoughts. Does your DH value children and family life? Would he do anything for your toddler? I bet he does and would. Hoping for you guys that you can work through this and find peace. All the best.


babylonghorn 07-05-2011 10:03 AM

Rose, I mentioned this idea to DH and he said he'd dig up one of the roses and move it for me so long as we don't end up overseas.  He suggested though that we plant a rose bush at every house instead.  To kind of carry that memory along.  I actually like his suggestion, and I'm pretty touched that he took the time to come up with a solution that would comfort me.  I've just ordered a necklace that I can wear to carry the baby's memory with me. 

 

Gozal, I appreciate your thoughtful response and I'm sorry for your loss.  I suppose I never considered that DH's response was a geniune one.  I guess I assumed it was him being a guy and not understanding, but knowing that you have responded similarly to you own loss helps me understand DH's reaction as a legitimate response to the loss.  He is a wonderful father and husband. 


hildare 07-11-2011 12:53 PM

hey.. my dh responded much the same way.  and i cried for a long time.  and things would trigger my re-living the grief. 

dh just wanted his "happy" wife back, and though he was sad about the baby, he is often more optimistic than i am. 

 

we absolutely are not religious people, but when i had dd after a loss, i truly felt that she was the same baby as i was carrying before. 

the same with this one-- i do believe that we get the children that are meant to be with us.  after 2 losses after dd was born, i would still keep trying, because i had felt that baby and it seemed like i knew him/her somehow.  it sounds extremely hokey when i type it out, but that's my take.  i thought i'd share since you said "I NEED to believe that I'll get to hold this baby one day, that this tiny life didn't just disappear.  I can almost hear DH rolling his eyes when I talk about that."

 

losses like that are hard on a marriage, especially when two people don't grieve the same way.  do you have a friend that could listen or give you a shoulder?  would a counselor help you process your loss? 

 

<3 love to you.

 

 



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