have any of you lost friends? - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 23 Old 08-10-2011, 10:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm finding that losing our son is a difficult process in itself, but now I'm quickly realizing who are true friends are.  So, not only do we lose our son, we seem to be losing some of (what we thought) were our dearest friends.  

 

Has this happened to anyone else?  How do you deal with it?  Ignore it and move on?  



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#2 of 23 Old 08-10-2011, 10:00 PM
 
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Unfortunately this is very common. That doesn't make it any less traumatic. I found with all of my losses I have lost people close to me. It is so sad because that is when you need them the most.

Shortly after my loss of Emeric I lost a very very close friend and it was absolutely devisating. I was so hurt not only by the loss but by her unavailability to me after his death. She had been so present for me in previous miscarriages that it was extra hurtful that she just couldn't/wasn't there for me.

I had no option but to deal with it as she ended the relationship via e-mail and i could barely function much less try to salvage a relationship like that. I wouldn't say I ignored it though. I have dealt with the grief of that loss just like the grief of my pregnancy losses. Through personal spiritual work, counceling, etc. It isn't easy but somethimes we just don't have a choice.

There are other people that I have just chosen to not reconnect with. I isloated after my loss and they let me and now that I am coming out of it I don't really want to reach out and say hey i'm back where the heck have you been so it is just easier to ignore it and move on.

I am very slowly building new friendships but am so terrified of being hurt that I just can't get that close.

Loss changes who we are and when we change we might not necessarily still be a good fit with the current people in our lives.

I wish you the best on this grief journey, it is a hell of a ride. You are not alone and will come out of this ok, it just doesn't feel like that right now.


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#3 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 06:25 AM
 
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I lost a friend and had others that I just had to cut contact with for a while. It's amazing how people can just up and disappear after you loose a baby (or three :-P). Some people I stopped talking to for a while just because they were too hurtful. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))


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#4 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 07:29 AM
 
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Our friend map changed drastically after our loss. Some can't cope. Others insist if you mention the baby even 6 weeks later, you must be "depressed". Still others tried to put that "god's will" bs on us... knowing that we are non-religious. So yeah, it stinks and you do find out who you can rely on. Hugs, dear.
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#5 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 07:56 AM
 
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We lost friends/family after losing our daughter. It was shocking to us how many had a "get over it already" attitude when it didn't get much easier for us after only a few months! I found people to be really emotionally cold, and some downright cruel... I know dead babies isn't exactly a pleasant topic to hear about, but to be so unsupportive because it's uncomfortable to hear about? I couldn't keep people like that in my life. I felt really bitter having to be there for others when they couldn't return it, so it was best for me to do a major cleaning when it came to "friends" and deciding who is a friend and who should be kept at arms length... or further...


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#6 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 08:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, this is so sad to hear.  I'm just trying to decide if it's worth fighting for the friendships or not.  Maybe I just let them go.  I barely have energy for myself and my family, let alone trying to fight a relationship that just not might be worth it.  

 



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#7 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 09:21 AM
 
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Yes, I have lost a friend due to the miscarriage.  I am DONE with her.  Not worth fighting for, the trust could never be built up again.  I've also stayed away from negative people, just in case they would blurt out something hurtful.  

 

But on a positive note, I am blessed with many kind and loving friends and family members.  The woman who was the midwife when I was born sent me a beautiful card and money for going out to dinner.  A couple friends have sent flowers. Many friends call every couple days to ask how I am doing and what they can do to help. People have understood that we are grieving the loss of a life.

 

 My friends who have had miscarriages have told me that they all experienced a spiritual growth after healing from the loss.  I know part of this growth for me, is being more positive in life.  I need to be around positive people.  I am done with the bitch fest.  

 

I am sorry that all of you have also experienced the hurt and betrayal from a "friend" ignoring your or saying painful words during this difficult time.  I hope that you have loving people in your life.  It doesn't take much to show someone you love them, just a quick phone call or a quiet, non judgemental listening ear will do.    And if all you get is bitch fest then come to mothering and we will support you!  -Violet


 

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#8 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 11:12 AM
 
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I don't know if I've lost friends exactly, but there are definitely some whom I've not felt comfortable talking to, and others, like one of you said above, that I've chosen not to reconnect with.  There are some I'm still in touch with who seem to act as if nothing happened, and either explicitly knew I was pregnant, or I thought they would have known because of the circle of friends they're in...  I'm not sure.  I suppose to some extent, a lot of it is my own doing, since I could be more upfront about my personal life, but it's a conflict between wanting people to know where I'm coming from and valuing privacy...  Even with the friends who were there for me when it happened, emotionally if not physically, and whom I'm still in touch with, I feel a certain need to avoid the topic, just because it seems like it's been hashed over enough times...  Particularly the ones who've gotten pregnant since then. Several of my friends actually have reached out to talk to me while they were pregnant, but at the same time, I feel awkward initiating anything, since I feel a bit like a jinx.  One of them, though, I've definitely distanced myself from.  We were never particularly close to begin with, but she said a few things that I just found insensitive, even if she didn't mean them that way... but I was the one putting distance between us, not her...


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#9 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 01:42 PM
 
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I think that a lot of people in the US are uncomfortable with grief/loss. I think it becomes very apparent when we have a loss and we see how others react. 

 

Many of my friends reached out in the first few days but since then I have not heard from too many folks. People say they want to do something but they don't seem to actually follow through. Even my parents seemed at a loss for words when I spoke to them.

 

I hope you do not actually lose friends - my thoughts are with you.

 


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#10 of 23 Old 08-11-2011, 04:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by music.mama.pdx View Post

I think that a lot of people in the US are uncomfortable with grief/loss. I think it becomes very apparent when we have a loss and we see how others react. 


 

It definitely spreads a lot wider than just the US.  Many cultures are uncomfortable with grief, although I'm told that the Japanese are quite excellent with it.  Google "Mizuko Kuyo", if you care to - I found it really interesting that they have a respected tradition specifically for baby loss situations, and they considering grieving to be totally appropriate.

 

Anyhow, yes, I have lost some friends, and my relationship with my other friends have all changed drastically.  Some we are closer with than ever before, and some we could care less if we ever see again.  I don't think that people are purposely heartless.  I know that my previously innocent self would not have know how to handle such circumstances if it had happened to a friend.

I honestly think that most people cannot even begin to grasp the pain of baby loss, unless they have lived it. 

 

My only advice to you would be to be honest.  If friends ask how you are, tell them.  If they say something that breaks your heart, tell them.  If you'd like them to call/email more often, or not bring their children when they visit you, or not whinge about their achy pregnant back to you... Just tell them.

I know that I kept my mouth shut about most things after my first loss, and then would get terribly angry at people for hurting me.  It wasn't until later down the track that I felt a bit better about telling it like it is, and I regret that. 
 

 


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#11 of 23 Old 08-12-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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Oh my goodness hun I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby boy (((hugs)))

 

I am so sorry, and if you want somebody to talk to feel free to pm me xx

 

Sadly, yes I can also relate to losing friends following the loss of our daughter, I understand that sometimes people just don't know what to say, but even something as simple as 'you are in my thoughts' is all we want to hear, to know that people care.... So sorry again xxx


Wife and mother to a wonderful son, a dear daughter now in God's arms after a brave 5 months of nicu, a precious rainbow toddler and tiny Angels due to mc. Living with a grieved but very grateful heart. Loving my family.
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#12 of 23 Old 08-13-2011, 03:53 PM
 
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Yeah, my relationship with most of in laws is pretty much over due to their hurtful words. When my MIL asked my husband why I needed therapy (after a miscarriage, then my dad dying, then another miscarriage all inside of six months) that was pretty much the last straw.

 

*hugs*

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#13 of 23 Old 08-13-2011, 07:01 PM
 
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Rose, we lost my in-laws as well. Some people really are heartless. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Milk8shake, I've noticed the same thing. I was quiet with my first two and now I'm just out there with my feelings. It helps and I've found that most people really don't want to hurt me and they really are just totally ignorant. I'm so sorry that you too are mother that has experienced enough baby loss to get "better' at it :*(


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#14 of 23 Old 08-14-2011, 01:36 PM
 
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I lost the few friends i had.  My one best friend forever, never calls or comes over because I have my sons picture hanging up and she feels it is weird and uncomfortable.  The next time she came over i took it down but then the urns made her sick.  yes she used the word sick.  At this point i have lost respect for her.  Yeah my son is dead in the pic, but as my 2 year old says he is a sleeping baby.  One of the hospital pics they do after you loss.  I feel as though I would rather be alone then have to hide my son to the world.  He was my baby, i grew him for 9 months why hide him?

 

Other friends I lost when I had my daughter, cant stay out all night, dont like to drink ect.  I think a lot of my friends and family are just very uncomfortable with the whole thing.  My parents never mention him and actually stayed 2 minutes at his funeral.  they feel he died inside me just get over it.  oh well no one understands what we are going thru unless they go thru it themselves.


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#15 of 23 Old 08-14-2011, 07:14 PM
 
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Mikl8Shake- Thank you for the advice. I'm trying to put this into practice with a situation that I recently encountered:

I miscarried 5 weeks ago & only told several close friends. One of those friends just revealed that she is pregnant to a group of friends while out to eat last week. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach because A) why hadn't she told me first? and B) why did it have to be in a group, where I had to struggle against the urge to sob for the rest rest of dinner? I knew she could tell I was upset, and she texted me later to say how sorry she was, that she hadn't meant to tell yet, but someone had guessed it. I told her how hurt I was & gave her my feelings without holding back, but I added that I knew she hadn't intentionally hurt me. It felt somewhat freeing to let her know how it has affected me, even if it wasn't purposeful on her part.

So where do I go from here? I know she cares, but I'm still hurt from the way I found out, and I'm angry that I'm not pregnant while she is. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I don't exactly want to see her for a while. That sounds awful, doesn't it?

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#16 of 23 Old 08-14-2011, 07:36 PM
 
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Doesn't sound awful to me but when it comes to dealing with women who've NOT lost babies I don't have much compassion anymore. :-/

Vulnerable, that is horrible. :-( You shouldn't have to hide your baby for anyone. I have pictures of mine up in my house too. <3


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#17 of 23 Old 08-14-2011, 11:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by smbcoffee View Post

Mikl8Shake- Thank you for the advice. I'm trying to put this into practice with a situation that I recently encountered:

So where do I go from here? I know she cares, but I'm still hurt from the way I found out, and I'm angry that I'm not pregnant while she is. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I don't exactly want to see her for a while. That sounds awful, doesn't it?

I think that it's reasonable to feel hurt and angry - although it might kind of feel like it, you're probably not actually angry at her, but more at the situation.  It's totally reasonable to not feel like seeing her much either.  Could you send her an email?  Just let her know that you're having a tough time, and although you love her and wish her the best, you have to put self preservation first for the time being, and that means that you might just keep to yourself for a while. 

 

Meanwhile, I've been taking a bit of my own advice.  I went out for (my birthday!) dinner over the weekend, and one couple who are barely hanging onto my friendship as is, proceeded to tell me about their SIL and how much she wants to have another baby (she has a 6ish mo) and how she can't wait to be pregnant again, etc, etc.  She might want another baby now, but that certainly wasn't the case about 2 years ago when she had an abortion!  Anyway, I just straight up said "I don't want to hear about it", and changed the subject. 
 


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#18 of 23 Old 08-16-2011, 04:10 PM
 
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Krista- After I lost my first baby, I so didn't want to become "that" bitter infertile woman who pissed on the preggo's parade. Now I am totally that woman. I am that woman who briefly entertains thoughts of running down pregnant women in the parking lot. I love my family and I hope that all of their babies are safe and healthy and I want to be happy for them. They deserve to be happy. Their babies deserve to be celebrated. I'm happy that they DON'T know this kind of pain and that they are so innocent that they just feel joy and happiness and are so excited.

 

I just need them to do it at a distant. Say, beyond the range of a shotgun.

 

I see people putting down women who "just" want to have babies, how could anyone throw themselves into having a baby so completely, blah blah blah- who have NO IDEA what this kind of PAIN looks like, feels like, and just write us off as crazy or unmotivated or selfish or whatever. THOSE are the people that I really want to just die in a fire.

 

~Rose

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#19 of 23 Old 08-17-2011, 07:07 PM
 
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Most of my local friends reached out to me immediately, but two of my sisters who live far away just sort of never said much.  They are now both pregnant.  They talk about it all the time, of course.  I'm not eager to get pregnant again right now, so maybe I'm not in the same place.  Knowing they are pregnant doesn't hurt me, but their excitement and naivete does.  Asking if I can come up when the baby comes, or whining about cravings and picking out baby blankets.  I don't say much usually, because I know they don't understand and they'll think I'm trying to steal the attention from them (that's probably what I would have thought).  BUT, the other day, when my sister was saying how she probably wouldn't bother with all the extra ultrasounds they offer because what's the point in paying extra just for pictures - I said, "I would take all the ultrasounds I could get."  And she stopped, and I could tell she was thinking about how what she said might affect me for the first time.  Then she just said, "yeah."

 

I wish she had said more, you know, but at the same time I know she just didn't think about it.  Her world doesn't center around my grief.  And at least now she will think about it next time.  I hope anyway.


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#20 of 23 Old 08-18-2011, 08:09 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone, me again.  Sorry to start a thread and bail, just taking some time to process..... everything. 

 

Ya, this all sucks.  People can't deal with death and they put their issues on us, and it blows.  Vulnerable - I've got a friend who got freaked out by the mention of urn, so we'll see how things go next time she comes over now that the one we ordered came in.  I refuse to take it down though.  

 

Here's the odd thing, the friends we thought who'd have our back seemed to disappear.  The ones we thought would bolt have been at our side.  The family that was upset with us for having another cried at our sons memorial service and said, "please don't let this deter you from trying again.  please", and kept referring to him by name, and not just "the baby".  

 

 

I just hate the fact that I've lost my son, and now I have to lose friends too.  I'm trying to be honest with my feelings.  When they ask, "how ya doing?" I'm honest.  I'll tell them, "thinking of finding a shotgun, to be honest".  Maybe I'm pushing them away with my brutal honesty?  



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#21 of 23 Old 08-18-2011, 11:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Krista- After I lost my first baby, I so didn't want to become "that" bitter infertile woman who pissed on the preggo's parade. Now I am totally that woman. I am that woman who briefly entertains thoughts of running down pregnant women in the parking lot. I love my family and I hope that all of their babies are safe and healthy and I want to be happy for them. They deserve to be happy. Their babies deserve to be celebrated. I'm happy that they DON'T know this kind of pain and that they are so innocent that they just feel joy and happiness and are so excited.

 

I just need them to do it at a distant. Say, beyond the range of a shotgun.

 

I see people putting down women who "just" want to have babies, how could anyone throw themselves into having a baby so completely, blah blah blah- who have NO IDEA what this kind of PAIN looks like, feels like, and just write us off as crazy or unmotivated or selfish or whatever. THOSE are the people that I really want to just die in a fire.

 

~Rose



Rose, just wanted to say I'm at this stage right now too.  Though I'm finding it includes alot more people than just the pregnant ones.  I'm seriously considering going to yard sales to buy some stuff to smash the hell out of. 



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#22 of 23 Old 08-24-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseRedHoofbeats View Post

Krista- After I lost my first baby, I so didn't want to become "that" bitter infertile woman who pissed on the preggo's parade. Now I am totally that woman. I am that woman who briefly entertains thoughts of running down pregnant women in the parking lot. I love my family and I hope that all of their babies are safe and healthy and I want to be happy for them. They deserve to be happy. Their babies deserve to be celebrated. I'm happy that they DON'T know this kind of pain and that they are so innocent that they just feel joy and happiness and are so excited.

 

I just need them to do it at a distant. Say, beyond the range of a shotgun.

 

I see people putting down women who "just" want to have babies, how could anyone throw themselves into having a baby so completely, blah blah blah- who have NO IDEA what this kind of PAIN looks like, feels like, and just write us off as crazy or unmotivated or selfish or whatever. THOSE are the people that I really want to just die in a fire.

 

~Rose




Rose, I remember you from the August DDC.  We lost our babes within a few days of each other.  I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel.  After my first loss I felt this way.  And my second too.  But when I was finally able to carry my daughter to term (who is five now) I remember KNOWING in my head that there were women out there looking at me this way.  I wanted to wear a sign that said "I know pain". 

 

So to all of you who feel like running down pregnant ladies in parking lots, I try to remember that I do not know their journey.  I try not to assume things about them because I don't want anyone assuming things about me. 

 

Of course then there are all the naive first time moms out there who post every pregnancy craving on facebook and such the day they POAS.  I go back and forth from wanting to be jealous of their naivety and wanting to rain on their parade by replying "you better be careful about what you put out there, you're baby might die."  Isn't that awful?

 

 


K, Momma to angel3.gifA(born still 8/22/00), DD A(1/31/06) and DS A(3/13/08), and Baby A (2/2/12)

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#23 of 23 Old 08-24-2011, 12:59 PM
 
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I'm jealous AND I want to tell them that their baby might die; I don't think it's awful, just honest. 

Thank you for the "other side" reminder about the pregnant women. I will try to keep that in mind and statistically speaking most of them probably have had losses. 


Krista; blessed mother to four earthly beings and three non-physical. Basking in my beautiful rainbow. 
 
 

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