Worst things said to you during or after your loss - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 170 Old 06-14-2012, 06:49 AM
 
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The worst thing anyone said to me

"you look great since you lost all that weight"

And yes they knew about the loss.


8 might be enough
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#62 of 170 Old 06-14-2012, 07:07 AM
 
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"now you have a chance to get in shape/healthy before you try again."  jaw.gif


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#63 of 170 Old 06-14-2012, 07:38 AM
 
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I had several losses when I was TTC and my twins have health problems. 

I was told "You had so many miscarriages and your children have health issues because you conceived against God's ways."  (I conceived via IVF.)

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#64 of 170 Old 07-31-2012, 08:15 PM
 
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So I go back to work only 2 weeks after delivering still birth full term son.
My friend, who is an attorney and my boss' son, pulls me into his office to tell me
That he and his wife r naming their son JACKSON!! My dead son's name !! AND they were due only a week later than me! He had the Gaul to ask, does this upset you? Is it ok? I said does it matter what I feel?! Then the day their son was born the stuPid secretary announced over the loudspeaker that Jackson was born. I heard my sons name and for a second started looking around my desk for my baby. I actually thought he was alive. Work sucks to say the least these days. To make it worse, our firstborn children look alike, so there eill always be a baby with the same name, same looks and same age just down the road from me.
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#65 of 170 Old 08-02-2012, 04:35 PM
 
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My mother in law, when I told her I was losing the baby: well it's better this way, you wouldn't want a child that is abnormal.

 

I just m/c this past weekend, so I'm sure I will get to hear many, many more.


Jackie, Catholic mama to Elijah (6/07) & Gabriel (2/10) and our angel baby, m/c 7/29/12. Expecting someone new in October 2014!
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#66 of 170 Old 08-02-2012, 05:20 PM
 
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I lost my 3rd (and first with my SO) last september. Missed miscarriage at 12 weeks that finished 8 days before my 30th bday. My 2 best friends both said this (at different times) "hey, you can drink on your bday weekend now!" I know they were trying to cheer me up in their own way, and since they don't have kids they can't possibly understand, but it really hit me hard. All I wanted for my 30th was my baby.

 

Loki, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs.


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#67 of 170 Old 08-02-2012, 05:44 PM
 
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"That sucks." From a co worker. To his credit he apologized the next day.
And my mother telling me that it was time to take the ultrasound photos off of our fridge a month after the lost because it wouldn't help me get over it.

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#68 of 170 Old 08-15-2012, 06:10 PM
 
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i know how you all feel i have lost 4 baby 's in the last 2 years the last one last night and you know what i got told maybe it was a bless that we found out this early and you did not die you know what people can say some of the most hurtful things i really want this baby me and my dh have been try for two years to have one and we really want a baby


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#69 of 170 Old 08-17-2012, 07:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by M Anna View Post

1. "God could have healed or saved Innocent...but he didn't."

 

2. "When I'm up at 4 AM nursing my newborn I'll think of you." (This after a post in which I said I hated nights because I would wake up at 4 AM and cry for my babies.)

 

3. "Why did you get pregnant anyway? Were you lonely and just wanted something to cuddle?"

 

These are the ones that stick in my mind anyway.

 

What the hell kind of a person says #2!!!!! Part of my grieving process caused me to have some pretty rage-filled moments when I would have seriously flown off the handle at anyone that even said anything slightly rude. Lucky for my Mother in Law she kept her mouth shut! 


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#70 of 170 Old 08-17-2012, 07:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JelloPanda View Post

"It's probably for the best - you're too young."  - Said to me by my OBGYN.

"God always has a reason! This just wasn't meant to be."

 

"Miscarriages happen because there was something wrong with the baby - you wouldn't want a handicapped baby, anyways."   - Attending ER doc, during threatened m/c with my first pregnancy. 

 

EVERY nurse and hospital attendant I encountered while preparing for my D&C said that first part about "Ah, you're young - you have time" WTF


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#71 of 170 Old 08-17-2012, 09:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sarahl918 View Post

EVERY nurse and hospital attendant I encountered while preparing for my D&C said that first part about "Ah, you're young - you have time" WTF


How wretched. I'm so sorry you had to hear that.
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#72 of 170 Old 09-06-2012, 02:47 PM
 
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Hi, all. I just wanted to say that I found this thread to be so helpful.  I found it when I first started miscarrying last month, and seeing this menagerie of stupid & inappropriate things people say made me feel a lot more...empowered, I guess I'd say, when I heard them.  Like, I could say to myself (in my head), "Ohhhh, you're saying a Common Stupid Thing.  Good for you!" and then I could pay it no mind, which I'm not sure I would have been able to otherwise. So thank you to everyone.  

 

<3, Ami
 

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#73 of 170 Old 09-09-2012, 09:36 AM
 
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Oh man, my poor sister- she had a loss back in January. Her mother in law then informs her "well its better this way. This way E (her sister in law's baby) can have special time with me and grandpa" angry.gif confused.gif 

 


 
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#74 of 170 Old 09-09-2012, 11:03 AM
 
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I have had 4 (going on 5 losses bc this pregnancy is not going well and I'm bleeding pretty heavily after seeing the hb on Thursday). After my 2nd loss, my grandmother and mother's partner both said it was "karma" because I had refused to fly with my 2 children alone 1600 miles away with a threatened miscarriage. I've heard many gems from various people, including doctors who told me I was over reacting when I went to the e.r. for pain.and bleeding Thursday. I just hate insensitive people!

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#75 of 170 Old 09-09-2012, 12:29 PM
 
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After Charlie passed away, my dad was putting DD to sleep for me (maybe three or four days after the funeral). I asked how she was doing and he replied, "Oh, she's dead".   As in, "dead to the world" or "dead asleep". My heart dropped in to my stomach. He had no idea what it sounded like to me.

 

One of the social workers that was helping us through the terrible worst day ever said to me, "You know the lord is nigh? Right? You know that this is his plan?" Dh almost had her head for that.

 

A lot of people asked me, after telling them that he died of SIDS, "What happened?" Like, as in, they wanted to know exactly what the circumstances surrounding his death were....

 

And finally, the thing that brings me to this thread, someone walked into my retail store (closed, and has been since he passed away) and asked me if I was open. No. I supposed the shuttered windows and the big closed sign on the door, along with all the crap everywhere from IKEA confused you......Then she asked why we had closed and I told her that I was expecting twins and we were doing some renovations and that we had a death in our family this spring. She asked me who it was, and I told her it was my 2 month old son- to which she responded, "Well, at least he was just a baby." Thanks, thanks, that was just what I was thinking. At least he was "just a baby". WTF. She went on to ask me how much longer I thought we'd be closed, and if she could buy a vintage picnic basket, and I refused to sell it to her and all but told her to get out. It took her over 15 minutes to leave after that.


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#76 of 170 Old 09-10-2012, 11:09 AM
 
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Adaline'smama i am so sorry to her that lady told you that i dont know what i would have done if someone told me that i think i would have hit them or worse


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#77 of 170 Old 09-10-2012, 04:55 PM
 
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"Your body needs more time to be balanced before being pregnant." (Said by a midwife - whom I hope to never, ever deal with again after some horrible experiences).

 

Awesome. Way to blame it on my body vs. a natural 'fluke' of some sort or whatever else it may be.

 

Plus, I worked my ass off to prepare to try and conceive this child. It was hell coming off of Lexapro after 5 years, but I did it for the sake of my yet to be child. I went off of my daily Prevacid, which wasn't comfortable, either. I started exercising and eating very clean. I gave up coffee. I mean, nothing earth shattering - but I WORKED to clean and heal my body for months and months before even TRYING to conceive.

 

Why did she pick THAT to tell me, of all things? greensad.gif


Wife to the sweetest man in the world and Mama to 2 precious boys (7 and 9), and one little miracle girl (born June '13)

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#78 of 170 Old 09-14-2012, 07:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

After Charlie passed away, my dad was putting DD to sleep for me (maybe three or four days after the funeral). I asked how she was doing and he replied, "Oh, she's dead".   As in, "dead to the world" or "dead asleep". My heart dropped in to my stomach. He had no idea what it sounded like to me.

 

One of the social workers that was helping us through the terrible worst day ever said to me, "You know the lord is nigh? Right? You know that this is his plan?" Dh almost had her head for that.

 

A lot of people asked me, after telling them that he died of SIDS, "What happened?" Like, as in, they wanted to know exactly what the circumstances surrounding his death were....

 

And finally, the thing that brings me to this thread, someone walked into my retail store (closed, and has been since he passed away) and asked me if I was open. No. I supposed the shuttered windows and the big closed sign on the door, along with all the crap everywhere from IKEA confused you......Then she asked why we had closed and I told her that I was expecting twins and we were doing some renovations and that we had a death in our family this spring. She asked me who it was, and I told her it was my 2 month old son- to which she responded, "Well, at least he was just a baby." Thanks, thanks, that was just what I was thinking. At least he was "just a baby". WTF. She went on to ask me how much longer I thought we'd be closed, and if she could buy a vintage picnic basket, and I refused to sell it to her and all but told her to get out. It took her over 15 minutes to leave after that.

WHAT.THE.F----! Is wrong with people! And I'm sorry about what your dad said. One of our guy friends asked me why DD keeps saying, "I wanna die." when she was trying to say that she wanted to drive. I get why he was confused but I was thinking, please do not ever ask me that EVER.

 

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So I go back to work only 2 weeks after delivering still birth full term son.
My friend, who is an attorney and my boss' son, pulls me into his office to tell me
That he and his wife r naming their son JACKSON!! My dead son's name !! AND they were due only a week later than me! He had the Gaul to ask, does this upset you? Is it ok? I said does it matter what I feel?! Then the day their son was born the stuPid secretary announced over the loudspeaker that Jackson was born. I heard my sons name and for a second started looking around my desk for my baby. I actually thought he was alive. Work sucks to say the least these days. To make it worse, our firstborn children look alike, so there eill always be a baby with the same name, same looks and same age just down the road from me.

Again, WHAT.THE.F---- is wrong with people?! I named our newborn the same name as your stillborn, is that weird? YES!


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#79 of 170 Old 09-14-2012, 11:48 PM
 
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The worst was from a woman I worked with.  I had lost two babies at 18 weeks.

 

"Do you think you should really try to have another baby since they always die? Maybe you should adopt."
 

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#80 of 170 Old 09-15-2012, 03:28 AM
 
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well-meaning but pretty hurtful at the time:

"you`ll forget about this loss once you conceive again"- well, I didn`t want to forget..
 


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#81 of 170 Old 09-15-2012, 04:32 AM
 
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Try sitting at the Passover Seder with icky in-laws and having to read aloud "god smiting the firstborn of Egypt" a hundred times. That really sucked. Especially because I did lose my firstborn.

Yeah, I lost my sons in late March this year. I refused to do anything for Passover this year. Not going to put myself through that.


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#82 of 170 Old 09-15-2012, 04:51 AM
 
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"That sucks." From a co worker. To his credit he apologized the next day.
And my mother telling me that it was time to take the ultrasound photos off of our fridge a month after the lost because it wouldn't help me get over it.
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That's interesting because this exact phrasing is one of only two I ever found acceptable. The reality is that it does suck.

 

AFM- I got "G-D needed two baby angels in heaven"- um, Jews don't really believe in heaven the same way, and no, there's this thing called biology that may or may not have to do with why babies pass (mine is turning out to be a genetic issue). This was said to me by a close friend who was widowed at 35. I am sure (okay, not sure, but I can't imagine it would have felt good) she would not have liked it if someone said that G-D needed her husband.

 

Said to me by a nurse- btw someone mentioned military medical professionals- she had been one (now, as I understand it, fired): I was getting discharged and had to wait a while for the doctor. She said, "Sorry it's taking so long, there are lots of babies being born today." Then, when I finally got discharged and she was going over the paperwork she talked about pre-eclampsia and how you can still have it after pregnancy. I told her I had absolutely no indicators of pre-e and she said "Well, there's a reason your babies died and it's often pre-eclampsia." 

 

My doctor, who I love, and overall made it easier, did make a really stupid comment-that everyone else has mentioned. If it weren't for the wonderful stuff he did, he would no longer be my doctor. "You're still young, you can have another." Knowing full well that we had conceived via IVF. He was my referring doctor to the RE!

 

I have many more, but this is just a sample.


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#83 of 170 Old 09-16-2012, 11:51 AM
 
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"I'm just as upset about this as you are." - my mother.

This was in the same conversation in which she told me I probably lost the baby because I am too stressed out or because I have cats (even though I'd already told her I tested negative for toxo), and that she was really hurt that I hadn't told her sooner about this pregnancy.

Apparently, I'm a bad daughter because I haven't included her enough in my miscarriage. It's really interested to see what difficult times and tragedy reveals about people. I am so grateful for the kindness of complete strangers and deeply saddened by the selfishness of someone who I wish could be there for me.
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#84 of 170 Old 09-29-2012, 08:58 AM
 
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Every single time I went to the OBs office, for the post-miscarriage-is-my-hcg-going-down blood tests, the nurse would walk in and ask my due date. Every single time I would have to explain that I was pregnant, but wasn't anymore. Then she'd actually look at my chart and say, "Oh. You had a miss." I don't know why it bothered me so much that she couldn't even say the entire word - miscarriage - but it did. Then a few weeks after the last blood test, I get a voice mail from the same nurse, asking me if I'm going to show up for my 12 week appointment, since I'm 45 minutes late for it!

 

My 12 week appointment? Ohhhh, you mean the one I cancelled in tears, at your desk, which you so graciously put your personal call on hold (with a big sigh) & minimized your internet screen to take care of for me? That appointment? F*** you and f*** your appointment.

 

Never went back to that office again.


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#85 of 170 Old 09-29-2012, 10:32 AM
 
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Every single time I went to the OBs office, for the post-miscarriage-is-my-hcg-going-down blood tests, the nurse would walk in and ask my due date. Every single time I would have to explain that I was pregnant, but wasn't anymore. Then she'd actually look at my chart and say, "Oh. You had a miss." I don't know why it bothered me so much that she couldn't even say the entire word - miscarriage - but it did. Then a few weeks after the last blood test, I get a voice mail from the same nurse, asking me if I'm going to show up for my 12 week appointment, since I'm 45 minutes late for it!

 

My 12 week appointment? Ohhhh, you mean the one I cancelled in tears, at your desk, which you so graciously put your personal call on hold (with a big sigh) & minimized your internet screen to take care of for me? That appointment? F*** you and f*** your appointment.

 

Never went back to that office again.


Wow, that is so insensitive!! I swear, they need to train nurses about this stuff. I was handed a welcome to your pregnancy package by my nurse and then told to schedule my next appointment for 4 weeks later just after the doctor diagnosed miscarriage. You would think they would be more sensitive!!

 

My mom's comment when she found out I was having emergency surgery for an ectopic, just before I go under the knife, "sometimes your body just needs a dry run." I told her later how awful that was; luckily she was receptive.


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#86 of 170 Old 09-29-2012, 07:46 PM
 
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this was with my last loss well it was good you lost them cause we would not have know about your lever issues like i wanted to here that i mean what is wrong with people and that was by my doc


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#87 of 170 Old 09-29-2012, 10:40 PM
 
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The same MD went on to tell me that I should consider having my tubes tied because "35 is pretty old to conceive, and you'll probably have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities anyhow.  With all of these miscarriages, your chances are slim.  I'd cut my losses if I were you."  Well, I went on to have a perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy about 16 months later, so I guess 36 wasn't too old to have a baby without chromosomal issues .  The OB who gave me the results of the pathology report from my most recent loss wouldn't allow me to have a copy of the baby's ultrasound picture (taken prior to her demise) because, "we need a complete chart, and besides, why do you want something so morbid?  Are you sure you should be having more kids?  I think you might need to be seen over at Behavioral Health.  Here, I'll write you a referral, and how about some Zoloft?".  All this because I wanted to have a lasting reminder of the little girl I'll never get to take home greensad.gif.

  What jerks!!!!  You know, I'm typically a non-confrontational person but I think I would have made a point of taking my lovely "perfectly healthy 8 lb 2 oz baby boy" and finding that ER doc AND going to that OB's office (assuming you stopped going there?!) and SHOW them how wrong they were.  I would probably also have gone on to tell them how terribly insensitive and rude they were and given them a piece of my mind.  If people don't tell them then they'll just keep on doing it, they might anyway but at least I would have had my say! 

 

Did you ever get your ultrasound picture?

 

I am currently going through a miscarriage and have been for the past 2+ weeks.  I've been going all natural with Evening Primrose Oil and Red Raspberry Tea to help and am praying I don't have to have a D & C.  However, after reading so many different posts on MDC about things people have said, I'd almost dare someone to say the wrong thing to me at this point, lol.  The day after I had the ultrasound to confirm what I already knew in my heart, I went and returned the maternity clothes I'd bought from several different stores.  The lady at one customer service desk asked me something like "Why are you returning them"?  I paused and responded "because I was pregnant but I'm not pregnant anymore" (the receipt was from 1 or 2 weeks prior).  She responded "Well, that's a good reason" and then explained she was just asking to make sure there were no holes or anything. 

 

I'm SO happy you got your sweet baby boy 16 months later! :-) 


candle.gif  -  September 2012

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#88 of 170 Old 09-30-2012, 11:44 AM
 
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I forgot one- I was particularly upset that we were only 2 weeks away from viability when I lost my boys (i knew our smaller one was probably not going to make it even at that point), but I sasid, just 2 weeks and at least one of my boys could possibly have come home with me. Of course, thinking they're being helpful, they say, "Well, there's only a very small chance that a child born at that gestation won't have severe disabilities." Like I give a damn. I wanted my boys no matter what issues they may or may not have had. They did not have any chromosomal abnormalities and this was a placental breakdown issue (we didn't know that then, but guessed it).


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#89 of 170 Old 10-10-2012, 01:15 PM
 
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Today's gem: ""I know this may not be appropriate, but losing Yolanda, (my puppy) was just as hard as losing a human baby. There was just a special "something" about her that broke my heart. It didn't help that she died on my birthday, either... let's all remember our lost little ones, if we never forget them, they're never really lost." On Facebook when I posted for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#90 of 170 Old 10-10-2012, 01:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by deborahbgkelly View Post

Today's gem: ""I know this may not be appropriate, but losing Yolanda, (my puppy) was just as hard as losing a human baby. There was just a special "something" about her that broke my heart. It didn't help that she died on my birthday, either... let's all remember our lost little ones, if we never forget them, they're never really lost." On Facebook when I posted for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

No offense to pet owners out there but that makes me crazy! Comparing your pet to my baby! Really?!!!!!!hopmad.gif
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