Worst things said to you during or after your loss - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 170 Old 10-11-2012, 02:25 PM
 
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No offense to pet owners out there but that makes me crazy! Comparing your pet to my baby! Really?!!!!!!hopmad.gif


SERIOUSLY!

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#92 of 170 Old 10-11-2012, 08:10 PM
 
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animals=humans? NO!!!!!

 I had another person ask if I was pregnant over and over today. and this same person also said to a woman expecting a grandchild that is worried and doesn't want to get too excited due to complications,"why shouldnt u get excited?" right in front of me. i should have said, BECAUSE THEY CAN DIE!(and u arenlt listening to what she is saying).

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#93 of 170 Old 11-02-2012, 02:59 AM
 
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#94 of 170 Old 11-02-2012, 10:18 PM
 
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TBH, I do treat my dog like a baby and she loves it. However, I think that has to do with the loss of my sons. I needed someone to take extra special care of after I lost them. I got her a couple of months before we conceived the twins. That being said, I would never feel the same way about losing her as I do about losing my sons.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#95 of 170 Old 12-04-2012, 04:12 PM
 
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Our son was 6 months old when he passed, and I went to a grief group at a local church. At our 2nd time going the whole topic of discussion was the inappropriate things people say to parents who have lost children. This one lady, whose 23 yr old son had very recently committed suicide, went on about the insensitive people at her work etc. Then after the meeting came up dh and I and said, "Thank you for sharing your story here. Often when I am thinking about my son, I remember you two and am thankful that I at least knew him for 23 yrs, not just six months"

 

REALLY???? Needless to say we never went back there.

 

The other one was the pediatrician on call the day Alex died. We took Alex in to the ER in the morning and were sent home after bring his temp down and stabilizing breathing. We were back a few hrs later and Alex passed away that evening. So the ped calls the following day and says "I am so happy I didn't come into the hospital in the morning b/c I would have it on my conscience for the rest of my live."  Oh, glad to help ease your conscience ...

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#96 of 170 Old 12-04-2012, 07:42 PM
 
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Gah! *twitch* I really need to stop reading this thread, ugh!

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#97 of 170 Old 12-07-2012, 01:30 PM
 
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I'm in the process of miscarrying and was talking to a friend about it this morning. I just hit 5 weeks preg like today. She tried to comfort me because she "knew how much I would have like to have been pregnant." And suggest I should wait longer to tell dh in the future so I don't "get his hopes up again." But it could be worse...I could be having a "real miscarriage" instead of just a late period that I "mistook for pregnancy". 


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#98 of 170 Old 12-11-2012, 12:22 PM
 
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I went to hospital during a miscarriage, with what one of the nurses called 'the products of conception' in a tub.  I passed the tub to a nurse, while I was doubled over in pain in a wheelchair and he said, 'Eew!  I'm not touching that.  That's disgusting'.

 

It has been 12 years and it doesn't get any easier to think about his callousness during such an awful time.

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#99 of 170 Old 02-09-2013, 06:41 PM
 
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I was told,

"well, when I am pg I do everything possible to make sure I'm going to have my baby."

That was right after I had just had 2 miscarriages back to back.

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#100 of 170 Old 02-11-2013, 05:55 PM
 
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From my doc, who declined to check progesterone even given my history of progesterone supplementation and early m/c, after I miscarried at about eight weeks with a level of 5: "Well, you're 40, so it's not very surprising."

 

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#101 of 170 Old 02-12-2013, 11:24 AM
 
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Ugh. I'm sorry to both of you for such insensitive jerks. I just had a missed miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks- 3rd child lost in less than a year. So far, I haven't heard anything idiotic, but I hadn't shared with many people that I was PG this time. I actually had a very positive experience yesterday. Someone asked me if I wanted to be on their prayer list rather than just assuming it was okay That was just wonderful.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#102 of 170 Old 02-12-2013, 06:05 PM
 
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1st ER doctor (Day 1) after first making me feel ridiculous for coming in to get checked out because it was just a little bleeding, barely anything to worry about, but then she did a blood test anyway: "Hmm... your pregnancy levels look a little low for 11 weeks (hcg=3000). It's probably not a viable pregnancy. I could give you something tonight to end it, or I could send you for an ultrasound tomorrow. What do you think."

 

Me: "I want an ultrasound." (it was the only reason I had waited 8 hours in the ER--it was my only shot at getting an ultrasound)

 

Doctor shrugs and leaves the room to schedule the u/s for the next day. I break down crying with the realization the pregnancy is over. She comes back in and says, "Oh. Did I say something to upset you?"

 

<the u/s reveals that the fetus stopped growing at 7 weeks, no heartbeat. I schedule a d&c for the following day, but start to miscarry that night and return to ER, bleeding heavily.>

 

(Day 2) 2nd ER doctor comes in, checks the chart and says, "You know the baby's dead, right?"

Yes, and thank you for your sensitivity at this difficult time.

 

Overall, I do not get upset with people who say the things they say when I know they are trying to be comforting. It really is hard to know what to say. What some people find upsetting, others might find comforting. I do think that some people--including medical professionals, in particular--need to be more sensitive or acknowledging of the pain people are going through.

 

My own family has been very supportive and acknowledging of my loss, despite the fact that the conversations tend to go like this: "I was so sad to hear that you lost the baby. I was just sitting here, thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. Did the doctors figure out yet what you did to cause the loss?"


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#103 of 170 Old 02-12-2013, 06:08 PM
 
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Deborah, I'm very sorry that you have had another loss.


Now mom to a boy born January 2010. 
Cautiously expecting Dec 2014!

 12/08 (6 weeks),  1/13 (11 weeks), &  12/13 (9.5 weeks)
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#104 of 170 Old 02-13-2013, 11:13 AM
 
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Thanks NSmomtobe. I'm so sorry for all those awful experiences. Most of my bad experiences were also with medical professionals. What is up with that?


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#105 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 09:22 AM
 
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On my daughter's birthday (our first loss) it was a beautiful day with my little family. So my bff calls me that night at 11 and wants to talk about my losses. Which is odd because she was there for my daughters birth and has really never said anything else. She's was feeling all nostalgic and told me she had an abortion and always felt sad because that baby could have solved world hunger.

The goes on to tell me later in the conversation that she believes in karma and that my babies died for a reason and that they could have been murderers.... This really offends me especially since the idea of karma is if.you do bad thing bad things will happen to you. I tried to explain to her that my losses could have been prevented with medical intervention and that without it Iwould never have a baby survive. That its not fate. Then she tells me they were probably messed up genetically and that my body is doing what it should to ensure I have a genetically healthy baby. This is not the case as I had Logan tested and he was perfect. So then when I explain that (which I have told her before it hurts my feelings that she remembers Nothing about my losses especially since she was on of the few who I really opened up to about it)

She then gets irritated and tells me that's what she believes and I can believe what ever I want.... So she thinks the baby she terminated was the next Einstein and my losses were mutated murders. I was sooooooo offended.

It sucks that even years after the fact people still can hurt you so much.
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#106 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 09:58 AM
 
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LLQ- I've heard some doozies, but those take the cake. I have heard variations on the genetic anomaly thing and had to explain that mine are problems with my genes affecting my ability to carry term. That my boys were perfect, just tiny.


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#107 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 11:20 AM
 
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LLQ, what you friend said is so horrible! I have heard some insensitive mumbo jumbo, but, as Deborah said, that takes the cake! Hugs to you.  (Dang, I'm fuming for you.)


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#108 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 06:37 PM
 
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Omg and where was she going with all tgat? Trying to make u feel good? She needs her ass kicked
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#109 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 07:27 PM
 
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and i agree with all the other moms


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#110 of 170 Old 02-14-2013, 09:54 PM
 
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She told me later that she was trying to make light of an uncomfortable conversation. She called me on my daughters birthday wanting to talk about loss and was uncomfortable.. I barely said anything through her rambling. We have not talked since. She was one of four people to ever see or hold my daughter.
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#111 of 170 Old 02-15-2013, 07:29 AM
 
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Damn! Every time I read this thread my jaw ends up further on the floor! I'm so sorry ladies! WTF is wrong with people?!

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." ~ Emo Philips tea6.gif

Me, DH, DS1, DS2, November 2012 brokenheart.gif, July 2013 brokenheart.gif, March 2014 brokenheart.gif

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#112 of 170 Old 02-15-2013, 08:20 AM
 
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Then she tells me they were probably messed up genetically and that my body is doing what it should to ensure I have a genetically healthy baby. This is not the case as I had Logan tested and he was perfect.

It sucks that even years after the fact people still can hurt you so much.


I had a couple of folks try to "comfort" me with this thought, too. My hubby and I are huge readers and students. We have gone back to college a couple of times in our adult lives... so our extended friends and family think we are very smart. They implied that we wouldn't have the love/patience, etc for a child who wasn't as bright as we are. But no, just as your son was, our losses were also fine genetics wise.
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#113 of 170 Old 02-16-2013, 04:38 PM
 
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I had a couple of folks try to "comfort" me with this thought, too. My hubby and I are huge readers and students. We have gone back to college a couple of times in our adult lives... so our extended friends and family think we are very smart. They implied that we wouldn't have the love/patience, etc for a child who wasn't as bright as we are. But no, just as your son was, our losses were also fine genetics wise.

I hate this response. Anyone who.has done research know that genetic.abnormalities are way less common than previously thought. I also agree why would I find relief in losing a genetically different child. Like it makes it ok they died because they might have been messed up. Do these people.look at disabled people now and think "aw too bad she didn't have a miscarriage." It's a terrible thing to say.
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#114 of 170 Old 02-17-2013, 08:29 AM
 
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LLQ, your friend should be ashamed of herself and should not be considered your friend anymore.  Anyone that could say something so stupid to someone that's experienced loss (I know people say things wrong when they're trying to say something nice but this is just NOT what she did) should just be moved passed.  Hugs to you mama.
 


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#115 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 01:19 AM
 
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My friend told me babies who miscarry probably committed suicide in a previous life :/

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#116 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 06:54 AM
 
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My friend told me babies who miscarry probably committed suicide in a previous life :/

Omg! What is wrong with people.
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#117 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 11:03 AM
 
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OtherSoul- Talk about jaw dropping! WTF is wrong with people?


Mama to my twin butterfly boys, Alan and Bruce, who passed away at 22 weeks gestation (3/24/12): Forever in Our Hearts. Our rainbow baby girl, my little bud of Hope,  joined our butterfly boys and Grandma Jan 1/31/13 at 9 weeks gestation. Love you so much. Next step: triadadopt.jpg
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#118 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 07:52 PM
 
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Whaaaaaaaaaaat??
 

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#119 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 08:00 PM
 
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Erased wrong thread
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#120 of 170 Old 02-18-2013, 08:02 PM
 
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Wow totally wrong thread that posted to. I was in a cafe with crappy wifi that wasn't working. Sorry everyone
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