Worst things said to you during or after your loss - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 170 Old 03-08-2013, 07:42 AM
 
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I had someone tell me, basically, that my loss doesn't matter because I already have four living children.
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#122 of 170 Old 03-18-2013, 07:59 PM
 
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these are more bad reactions than things said but:

 

that it was my fault for testing early (this was said after getting results for pregnancy after loss, also said that I would lose this one too) - reported her for that but nothing happened

when telling my boss I was pregnant (had to early b/c military) and was asked if I wanted him to punch me in the stomach and take care of it, he tackled me a few days later and I did end up miscarrying but know that probably wouldn't cause it) 

that it wasn't important and obviously was my first since I still cared

that he (1SG who I called because I didn't want to tell him in front of my company) was too busy to hear it. he then made me tell him right after a formation with everyone there and refused to let me leave until I started crying.

 

It's been 5 years almost and it still hurts. Saw a picture of my old 1SG and felt nauseous 


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#123 of 170 Old 03-18-2013, 08:02 PM
 
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LLQ omg that was so horrible of her, I'm sorry for your loss and for having to deal with that so called friend


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#124 of 170 Old 03-18-2013, 08:09 PM
 
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Reading through this thread and I just can't believe that people can be such jerks, what the hell is wrong with them?

one more I remember is a friend's husband asking what the baby looked like and if they let me take it home and pretty much made dead baby jokes. they are not our friends anymore


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#125 of 170 Old 03-18-2013, 09:25 PM
 
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Some people really suck. I've even so bitter because I have felt like no one acknowledges our loss. ( hi, I'm new. Conceived identical twin girls, they suffered from TTTS in the womb. At birth at 29 weeks, a surprise turn. My sick twin hung on and my seemingly healthy twin die after a day in the NICU. My specialist who I saw every Tuesday and Friday down the hall for about 3 months ( I was hospitalized and on complete bedrest) NEVER asid a word about my angel Gabby. Even though I gave birth on Thursday night and he was there Friday morning ( still down the hall) where I'd have had my ultrasound that day. My regular OB never a word, zero! On gabby 's first anniversary of passing no one , not my mother, sister , on laws, no one said a word! No acknowledgment of our loss whatsoever! I did remember that after my is carriage (3 years prior) when I was bleeding my MIL just kept saying " oh it will be fine" I know she was trying to be positive but I felt invalidated. She didn't know if it was going to be fine or not! Obviously it wasn't. Lastly when I announced my twin pregnancy at work, one of my coworkers said " did the doctor day you could have twins? You are so tiny !" ( I'm 5'1")
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#126 of 170 Old 03-18-2013, 11:07 PM
 
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I don't know if I can post these here since they were associated with my losses, but with my sister's, but...

 

My sister found out at her 20 week ultrasound that her baby had multiple cysts in her kidneys and she wasn't making any amniotic fluid (Potter's Syndrome).  My sister found out her baby would die at birth.

 

Really, the entire experience for her was a train wreck, but the two comments that stood out to me the most were:

 

Our dad:  "Well, your daughter could have been healed by God, but you didn't have enough faith."

 

Our mom:  "You need to watch what you eat, you won't have a baby to nurse all your weight off."


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#127 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 01:53 AM
 
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Some people really suck. I've even so bitter because I have felt like no one acknowledges our loss. ( hi, I'm new. Conceived identical twin girls, they suffered from TTTS in the womb. At birth at 29 weeks, a surprise turn. My sick twin hung on and my seemingly healthy twin die after a day in the NICU. My specialist who I saw every Tuesday and Friday down the hall for about 3 months ( I was hospitalized and on complete bedrest) NEVER asid a word about my angel Gabby. Even though I gave birth on Thursday night and he was there Friday morning ( still down the hall) where I'd have had my ultrasound that day. My regular OB never a word, zero! On gabby 's first anniversary of passing no one , not my mother, sister , on laws, no one said a word! No acknowledgment of our loss whatsoever! I did remember that after my is carriage (3 years prior) when I was bleeding my MIL just kept saying " oh it will be fine" I know she was trying to be positive but I felt invalidated. She didn't know if it was going to be fine or not! Obviously it wasn't. Lastly when I announced my twin pregnancy at work, one of my coworkers said " did the doctor day you could have twins? You are so tiny !" ( I'm 5'1")

The thing that makes my heart hurt the worst is that no one remembers. I'm sorry for your loss mama greensad.gif
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#128 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:24 AM
 
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I've had the, "Oh, now you can drink!" comment, too. And my husband wondered why I did not want the speaker of this particular comment to be our DS's godfather.

The worst comment from all of my three losses was from my MIL after my second loss, the only one she knew about. In talking with my husband, she said:
Maybe its for the best. You're both young, and you don't know where you'll be in five years. You two might not even be together anymore...

Gee, is that wishful thinking, MIL? Are you, you wretched old bat, still angry that I "stole" Sonny Boy, and after so long out of your bony clutches, he's started to realize what a horrid mother you are, how selfish you are, and how what you did to him legally qualifies as abuse?? Even if I go away, these truths will remain. Just so you know. You cow.

I can't even be in the same room as this woman today. When she came over last week to meet my 2-week-old DS, I laid him on the couch when she pulled up and walked away and let DH conduct that meeting.
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#129 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 10:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rebecca_n View Post

when telling my boss I was pregnant (had to early b/c military) and was asked if I wanted him to punch me in the stomach and take care of it, he tackled me a few days later and I did end up miscarrying but know that probably wouldn't cause it) 

 

WTH? I guess you don't work for him anymore, but the latter seems like grounds for taking legal action. The comment just has me scratching my head. I'm guessing it was an attempted joke?

 

 

Despite what I said about not being too hard on people who make comments in sympathy, I question whether many of the people who made the comments on the last couple of pages were actually trying to cheer anybody up. I seriously wonder what some of these people were thinking and what their motivations were.

 

LLQ, your friend's comment was another one that was wildly inappropriate. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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#130 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 12:21 PM
 
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Our dad:  "Well, your daughter could have been healed by God, but you didn't have enough faith."

 

Our mom:  "You need to watch what you eat, you won't have a baby to nurse all your weight off."

that is so horrible especially coming from your parents. I have a friend whose baby died after birth from the same thing and it was so

devastating. I'm sorry. 

 

@Nsmom you seem to sign your rights away when you join the military and the unit I was in was not family friendly. I had already been in 4 years and through a deployment but people seem to see getting pregnant as a way to get out of doing your job. I ended up getting out because my husband and I needed one of us available for our kids (when I got pregnant and when I had our stepdaughter). The whole situation surrounding my miscarriage was just screwed up. 


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#131 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:02 PM
 
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Well where to start.....

 

Most of the people in my life were amazing through my loss which happened on 2/27/13. I am okay but still grieving too. It hurts. It sucks. I miss my baby. What keeps ringing through my mind is the painful stuff that people said and did.

 

"You have three beautiful boys already, focus on them." they just don't get it.

 

"That happens so much more easily when you are 41.", meaning the miscarriage.

 

"Now, you won't have to start over."

 

"You must be so relieved."

 

And the kicker is that my mother, who was my biggest support while I was pregnant, disowned me the moment I called her from the hospital to tell her I lost the baby. She was the second person I called. She disowned me because the father of the baby, came to be by my side through it all at the hospital. He was a mess that I was pregnant and at first wanted me to abort. He respected my decision not too. After a month, he was starting to come around and we loved each other through it all. My mother did not want me to discuss him with her so was unaware that we were still talking and seeing each other so all she thought is that he is monster for suggesting abortion. When she was 17, she conceived me, everyone suggested abortion to her but here I am. BOTH of my Catholic grandmothers believe it was in her best interest at the time to abort me. They were the most beautiful and amazing women in my life and I miss them greatly :) She believes I was lying to her about being in the hospital that day and that I let him talk me into an abortion. I am prolife and vote prolife. I give money to prolife lobbying organizations. I believe life begins at conception and no child is created outside of Gods will. I judge no one who has ever had or will have an abortion. Yet, I am 41 years old, own my home, pay my bills and raise my three teenage sons but  to her I am a liar and a murderer!!!!

 

She called the next day and screamed at me again. I still can't believe my own mother screamed at me when I just found out I lost my baby. I cannot talk to her. I do forgive her, sort of but what she did is so horrible and left a deep and wide scar inside of me. I may write her a letter telling her how I feel. I will be able to tell her how much she hurt me without her being able to interrupt and she would have to listen to me, wouldn't she?

 

I guarantee that she is going to blame him for my not talking to her. She is going to believe what she wants no matter what I say. He wants me to talk to her. I just can't.


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#132 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:16 PM
 
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Prolife over here with my mouth and my money. When I told people I lost the baby, a friend said oh you just decided to quietly solve the situation....um wtf no.

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#133 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:17 PM
 
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My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.
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#134 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:24 PM
 
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Prolife over here with my mouth and my money. When I told people I lost the baby, a friend said oh you just decided to quietly solve the situation....um wtf no.

OMG!!! Some people are complete idiots!


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#135 of 170 Old 03-19-2013, 08:26 PM
 
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My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.

So sorry for your loss and sorry your mom couldn't deal with it well either. It sucks when our moms can't be there for us when we need them to just love us quietly and stand by us.


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#136 of 170 Old 03-20-2013, 09:51 AM
 
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My mom was wack too after my 37 week loss. At 1.5 weeks post loss she said I need to get out of bed and get to work. Hello I did just have a child and full pregnancy! Just bc he died doesn't mean I'm not going thru it all. I went to work 2 days later as I didnt want to deal with her shit.

OMG! Some of the worst stuff said to me came from my mom. That's terrible it is still 6 weeks of recovery. I am so sorry.

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#137 of 170 Old 03-20-2013, 12:14 PM
 
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Just 2 days ago, an IRL friend told me that I need to keep my chin up, that I shouldn't mourn a baby I never knew, and I shouldn't mourn because I have 4 kids already and so many people would love to be in my shoes because they don't get to have kids at all.

Right now, I don't care about other people. My loss is my own and doesn't affect anyone else. And the kids I have and know don't replace or make up for the ones I will never know (I lost a baby a few years ago and had 3 chemical pregnancies in the last 8 months as well as this 9 week miscarriage).

People suck. She wanted me to come to her baby shower. I do not think I can ever attend another baby shower ever again. Seeing a pregnant woman kills me. I had to hide a lot of people on my FB feed because all they do is post photos of their babies and pregnant bellies. That crack, though, sealed the deal for me.
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#138 of 170 Old 03-20-2013, 06:14 PM
 
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I too blocked pregos from my fb feed, especially ones expecting boys
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#139 of 170 Old 05-01-2013, 08:42 AM
 
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I seriously cannot believe some of the things I am reading here!  The insensitivity from medical professionals and friends and even close family members is truly shocking!!  I am so sorry you had to go through these traumatic experiences as well as have complete idiots making you feel worse and offending you.  It's just disgusting.

 

I came on this thread because I am looking for some advice.  My friend just lost her first baby.  Everything was perfect throughout the whole pregnancy and she had a c section after going 10 days overdue, but the baby died just 2 days later.  From what I gather, the little angel had some distress in the days before birth and had meconium in her lungs and she just couldn't make it.  I'm in disbelief and absolutely devastated for my friend.  She should be getting to know her baby, breast feeding, changing nappies and spending hours just watching her little blessing.  Instead she is probably in bed crying her heart out.  I can't bear that thought.  And there is probably nothing that I can say to make her feel any better...  All I have said for now is that I am completely shocked and upset and thinking about her and I'm here for her (although we have great physical distance between us).  I know this thread is about the worst things that people have said to you after loss, but what about some of the best/nicest/comforting things that people have said?

 

Another thing is that I'm expecting my first child in a few weeks.  Our babies were supposed to be playmates but now she has to bury hers, I just cannot believe it...  This wasn't supposed to happen.  Obviously my friend is going to be so upset every time she sees my baby.  Should I back off for a little while?  I want to be there for her but maybe I am the wrong person.


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#140 of 170 Old 05-01-2013, 08:49 AM
 
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I have just found a thread started by LLQ about the best things said to you after a loss.  Would still be grateful for any replies on how to handle this in the most gentle and sensitive way.


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#141 of 170 Old 05-01-2013, 11:03 AM
 
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No don't back off. I would cal her and let her talk it out. Dont talk about your pregnancy and so on. But still reach out. If she wants space she just wont answer. Send her flowers. The biggest deal is to remember. Its so common that everyone forgets or moves on and on the mother and father are left to be the only ones who remember.

 

My whole life growing up my mother set Lilies to her friend who lost her son at birth on his birthday. I always thought how wonderful ti was she did that. (too bad she doesn't remember or aknowledge my daughter and sons birthdays but oh well)

 

I find myself just wishing someone else would remember. So though you might not be able to do much for her right now the opportunity to help her and her family in this terrible situation never ends. My friend does a march of dimes walk every year and we always donate. He friends and family walk with her every year (its been 5) just wait for her cues. She will hint and so on. Remember the babies name and so on. I HATE when my sister or someone asks me what I named them for the 100th time.

 

I am so sorry for you friend. It is the hardest pain and grief to lose a child. It can be so lonely at times when the whole world doesn't know what to say.

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#142 of 170 Old 05-01-2013, 03:29 PM
 
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I second the don't talk about your pregnancy but call her. With us it seemed like no one would just call us or just stop by. We were supposed to reach out to others-he'll no we were too depressed to do that. An edible arrangement was really nice of an attorney I worked with. U could order her one. I'm sure she doesn't want to eat now but coming from u it would get her eating I bet. And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.
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#143 of 170 Old 05-01-2013, 04:55 PM
 
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Thank you both for your advice.  I know I will not forget the baby's name but I have made a note of the date so that I can give her support when the 1 year anniversary comes around.

 

She is not taking any calls at the moment but said she would return my call when she's ready.  She needs time and space.  I definitely wouldn't say anything about my pregnancy.  I just want to give her a big hug and cry with her.  She lives in Brazil so I will have to look up where to get an edible arrangement sent from, that's a lovely idea, and fruits would be an easy thing for her to stomach.

 

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And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.

I can't help thinking that if her c section had been scheduled a few days earlier, this could have all been avoided... Obviously that is not a good thing to say to a grieving mother, but it's what I am thinking.

 

Thanks again for the responses and I'm sorry for your own losses, so heart-breaking.


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#144 of 170 Old 05-02-2013, 01:23 PM
 
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Naturelle, I agree with sending flowers and just reaching out. My dear friend made a full meal and brought it to my house and offered to watch my son during my second loss last year. It was so wonderful. She never tried to justify my loss somehow the way others have during all my losses. She just tried to help me. And that meant the world to me. She asked what I needed. Also, I had a friend who was pregnant with me too, and I have not seen her baby in person since she lives several hours away, and I know when I do it will be hard. But I also have been able to move past it enough that I would be happy and excited to see her baby. She basically stayed quiet and didn't talk to us early on. And that was ok, because I couldn't take any talk of pregnancy, but at the same time, some acknowledgement of our loss wouldve been nice. I think it's great you are there for your friend, and congrats on your baby.
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#145 of 170 Old 05-02-2013, 03:12 PM
 
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I have just found a thread started by LLQ about the best things said to you after a loss.  Would still be grateful for any replies on how to handle this in the most gentle and sensitive way.
Just say I'm sorry. Let her cry. Dont be afraid to talk about HER baby. Bring over meals. Ask if she is OK with seeing you....I had a pregnant friend stop by unexpectedly, and I held it together while she was over but cried all day after she left. I'm sure she will want to stop by again sometime with the baby; I hope she asks first.
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#146 of 170 Old 05-02-2013, 07:30 PM
 
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From someone who had a couple of miscarriages and the loss of aa newborn in the NICU, please don't tell her cliche things like " all will be fine", "everything happens for a reason, "god knows what he is found" etc etc just be there. Treat her normal.
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#147 of 170 Old 05-02-2013, 08:28 PM
 
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And that bs line, God needed another angel, that really irritated me. And I'm religious.
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#148 of 170 Old 05-04-2013, 07:43 AM
 
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I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!
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#149 of 170 Old 05-05-2013, 11:21 AM
 
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When I reached out she said (via her husband) that she was grateful, she's just not ready to talk yet.  I told her I would understand if she wanted me to give her space for a little while.

 

I wish I lived closer so I could go and take her some food, but she moved to another country just as she fell pregnant, and so she naturally has a weaker support network over there too.

 

Sorry for your loss aoifesmiles, and that you've had unwelcome comments made.  I think LLQ summed it up pretty well when she said that it can be lonely when the whole world doesn't know what to say to you.  I guess it's best to just keep it simple and be there.  People feel the need to say something that they think will make you feel better but really nothing makes you feel better in that situation apart from time, and even that won't do it completely.


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#150 of 170 Old 05-07-2013, 02:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by aoifesmiles View Post

I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!

 

Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.

 

I heard it all: 

 

There's a reason for it.

It wasn't meant to be.

God wanted her.

Jesus wanted her.

God had some higher purpose for her.

It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.

Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).

 

Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?

 

Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.


Mother to DD#1  s/b @40w 2003 for unknown reasons; DD#2   nearly 10 years old; DS  6.5 years old 
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