Worst things said to you during or after your loss - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 170 Old 05-07-2013, 12:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by japonica View Post

 

Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.

 

I heard it all: 

 

There's a reason for it.

It wasn't meant to be.

God wanted her.

Jesus wanted her.

God had some higher purpose for her.

It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.

Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).

 

Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?

 

Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.

Exactly, it's actually quite rude for people to assume that you hold the same religious beliefs at them when trying to comfort them after a loss. In my opinion, they are saying it for their own comfort, because nobody can make sense of why babies die. People need meaning for it.  I don't need meaning, it's nature, it doesn't have to make sense.  It's unfair, but it doesn't need to actually mean anything. I carry the memory of my sons in my heart, they live on in our lives as a family in our day to day chats. We always include them in our family count. I really think the best things that any of my friends have said to me was nothing at all. It was the ones who cried with me, who just sat their feeling my pain with me for that one moment. The ones who brought food around, or just texted to say hi and that they were thinking of me.  Thankfully there were way more of those than the others. 

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#152 of 170 Old 05-07-2013, 12:30 PM
 
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naturelle, sounds like you handled everything very well. 

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#153 of 170 Old 05-11-2013, 11:43 AM
 
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I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.

Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:

From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."

From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).

From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".

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#154 of 170 Old 05-11-2013, 01:29 PM
 
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I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.

Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:

From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."

From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).

From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".

Omg! I am so sorry! Family sucks.
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#155 of 170 Old 05-11-2013, 01:31 PM
 
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Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.
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#156 of 170 Old 05-11-2013, 05:42 PM
 
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i feel so so sorry for the moms on hear that have lost there babies and there family where total unsensitive at least i can say that my dad and my husband that i have now get just as upset as i did when i would loss a baby my last husband cry when we lost are first born dd but did not want to talk about after her funeral but i think it was cause he was hurting but it hurt me cause no one would talk about her


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#157 of 170 Old 05-11-2013, 09:13 PM
 
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Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.


OMFG! I would have gotten violent.

 

I will never forget how my mom told me I killed my baby because I went to hospital. After 2 days of broken water and a a massive uterine infection at 18 weeks. I had to be in the hsopital for 5 days and my temp was 104. Then the second time she told me "You suffer the consequenses of you choices"

 

If I could adopt you ladies I would.

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#158 of 170 Old 05-12-2013, 08:54 PM
 
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Mothers day.
My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
And its mother's day.

What is wrong with people?
Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..

8 might be enough
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#159 of 170 Old 05-12-2013, 10:44 PM
 
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Mothers day.
My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
And its mother's day.

What is wrong with people?
Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..


That is terrible. I pray she never has to deal with a miscarriage and know what it is like. I am so sorry. I don;t even know what I would do if my child acted that way. I am so sorry.

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#160 of 170 Old 05-13-2013, 03:29 AM
 
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I think people who lack empathy simply don't care. My mom asked me if after I gave birth I'd be relieved not to be fat anymore - as I'm fat now - because no one shows at 17 weeks. She went on to tell me she was chubby and pleasantly plump when she was younger - and a size f'ing six. A size 6 is fat to her. I'm 60 pounds heavier than her fattest and a only a size 12, which she can't figure out why dp actually finds me still attractive. Family holidays just another reminder how dysfunctional people can be and how they can't shut their mouths even on special days. I'm eloping now.

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#161 of 170 Old 05-13-2013, 08:58 PM
 
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Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!

Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different
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#162 of 170 Old 05-13-2013, 09:45 PM
 
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Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!

Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different


Me too!! Hopefully we can treat our daughter inlaws well too. Im hoping its just a generational thing and not an "I turned 49 so now I hate my children" thing.

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#163 of 170 Old 06-07-2013, 09:30 PM
 
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Worse thing from the nurse practitioner: "Are you sure you were pregnant?"

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#164 of 170 Old 06-07-2013, 11:04 PM
 
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From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."

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#165 of 170 Old 06-08-2013, 10:40 AM
 
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From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."
Holy hell! jaw.gif Omfg, that truly had me on the verge of puke.gif . Great day in the morning, ugh!

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#166 of 170 Old 06-08-2013, 10:53 AM
 
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Jennyanydots - holy crap!!!!! That is one of the worst ones I've ever heard.

Me (32), married to DH (35)

3 years of TTC #1, M/C @ 6wks in May 2013 angel1.gif
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#167 of 170 Old 06-23-2013, 07:43 PM
 
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Lost a baby over a year ago and dh family was completely dimissive. His bro in law said, "we dont give a shit about your dead baby" which completely baffled me at the time because they just gave birth to week old infant at the time. Dh mom and twin sisters informed me that I needed to get over my feelings. So needless to say I was completely crushed. Hope was not lost as I did get preggo again but when mil asked about hospital arrangements like I was extending an invitation I remained mum about my whereabouts. The only people there will be dh and I.
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#168 of 170 Old 06-23-2013, 07:50 PM
 
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To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.
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#169 of 170 Old 06-23-2013, 07:50 PM
 
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To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.
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#170 of 170 Old 03-15-2014, 05:35 PM
 
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1.  "I hope you're not too upset".

 

2.  "Maybe it was for the best, this way you'll have more time to prepare for a baby"

 

3.  The nurse doing the pre Op for my D&C - "I'll need a urine sample" - Me "Why" - Nurse "So we can do a pregnancy test"......WTF....(I refused - she bullied me saying then they would need to take blood from me which would delay the procedure for an hour - I told her I didn't consent to that either.  No one bothered me about blood or urine after that).

 

4.  "I'm sorry about your miscarriage.  (Followed perkily by) So - are you going to try again (punching her fist in the air mimicking the "good old college try" gesture)."


40 y/o married Mama, 3 y/o DS, Angel Baby lost in Sep 2013, Angel Baby lost March 2014.
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